


Arsonist's Lullabye

by SophieRosina



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: AU ZA, Alternate Universe, Because That Was A Stupid Ass Decision, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-It: s02e12 Better Angels, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feels, Gen, Healing, Inspired By Jon Bernthal's Ending, Mental Breakdown, Okay So The Smut Turned Out Not To Be That Eventual, Protective Shane Walsh, References to Canon, Rick doesn't kill Shane, Season 2-Season 3, Shane Walsh Lives, What-If, parallel to canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-09-19 13:51:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 105,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9444023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieRosina/pseuds/SophieRosina
Summary: AU from the end of Season 2, Episode 12 "Better Angels". Inspired by Hozier's song Arsonist's Lullabye.She saw something, then. The look of a man who’d seen and done too much, who had backed himself into such a dark corner of his mind that he'd forgotten the light switch was in his own hand. “I’ve done too much, hurt too many of-”“So, what?” She took a step forward. “You’re just gonna roll over and let the groaners get you and hope that sacrifice means something other than devastation for those people up there?”In which Rick never stabbed Shane, a new arrival manages to warn them of the herd before they reach the farm, and Shane learns the metaphorical lightbulb in your mind goes both ways, not just off.





	1. Few Choices

**Author's Note:**

> So, after a long debate with myself over whether I could handle The Walking Dead as a horror show, I've ended up not only binge watching the first 3 seasons in one weekend, but somehow getting overwhelmed by a herd of plot bunnies!
> 
> I love Shane as a character and think he was really misunderstood and too many people see him as a #TerriblePerson. So I thought I'd fix the end of season 2 and bring Shane along for the ride with a new character who gets him a bit more.
> 
> As always, feedback and comments are very welcome!
> 
> Enjoy xx

_When I was a child, I heard voices. Some would sing and some would scream._

_You soon find you have few choices. I learned the voices died with me._

They were coming for her.

She stumbled and staggered through the forest, knees weak and vision blurry.

They were coming.

Her hand flew up to cover her mouth as a sob tried to slip through.

Dozens, maybe hundreds of them… They’d caught her scent and now they were coming.

Her side was still bleeding from when she’d fallen, blood dripping behind her like a map where she was the X that marked the spot.

She was ahead of them, considerably so, but a group of them that size, a herd of groaners? They’d latched onto her trail, and she knew she wouldn’t make it. Knew it in her bones. She’d get tired, she’d mess up, she’d fall again, she’d pass out, she’d… either become their first meal in weeks or somehow survive long enough to join them.

She’d seen what happens when you died. Groaner attack or not, once your heart stopped, you turned, unless your brain died first. Joseph taught her that when he rose from his makeshift grave halfway through his own burial. The rumours were wrong – a groaner’s bite might be fatal, it’ll kill you, but it wasn’t what made you become one of them.

He hadn’t been her first groaner kill, and he wouldn’t be her last, but he was the one that taught her nothing in this world was sacred, that this new world was cruel and harsh and nobody was safe from her wrath. The ones who thought they had escaped her may as well have already been dead, because _that’s_ what would get them. That tiny spark of relaxation and security would get them killed, whether by groaners or a god damn asthma attack that they should have seen coming when his inhaler had run out. She should have seen it coming, but they got sloppy, they allowed themselves one night of peace, just her and her brother like old times and now…

They were coming for her.

She slipped in some mud, but managed to right herself before she fell, pain shooting through her side at the jarring motion. There was a clearing up ahead, and she could’ve sworn she saw fencing, but maybe that knock to the head had got her all messed up. Besides, being out in the open like that? Suicide. They’d spot her a mile away, and then what? Where would she go?

She started to turn away, run to the right among the trees, but then she heard noises from up ahead.

“What happened, Rick? I thought you weren’t the good guy any more, ain’t that what you said?”

She whimpered, then, cursing the voices for being so loud. _They’ll hear you. They’ll hear you._ She knew, deep down, that being with others is the only thing that would save her, now.

She could run, hope the groaners got them and left her alone to what? Keep hobbling away, survive this herd only to get swamped by the next? No.

Her only chance at survival would also carry the weight of potentially condemning them all…

“You come back here, and you just destroy everything!”

Her knee buckled as her ankle twisted in a dip in the ground, but she kept moving despite her body screaming at her in pain.

_Stop shouting, please, stop shouting, they’re gonna hear you…_

She emerged from the trees, saw two figures standing several feet apart from each other. One with a gun, one with his hands up. She forced herself to keep moving, voice cracking as she tried to say something, to warn them, to make them see…

Maybe this is how she was always meant to die? Warning two strangers of what’s to come, drawing the groaners to herself as the nearest source of noise. She couldn’t hear the herd, couldn’t hear the groans and rasps, but she knew they were there, knew that those two had no idea what was coming.

That _they’re_ coming for them.

“Run!” she cried weakly. The man with his hands up took his weapon from his belt and she thought maybe they heard her, maybe they… He slowly started to put down his weapon, and she panicked.

“GROANERS!” she screamed, and the words felt like they’ve been ripped from her chest, from her soul… The men turned to face her, peering into the darkness, and she let the sob escape her this time. “RUN!”

And they ran, but not away from her… they ran towards her.

“NO!” The hand that wasn’t trying to staunch the bleeding in her side wildly gestured at them to turn back. “YOU HAVE TO RUN!”

They were coming _for_ her, but so were _they._

“GO BACK!” Her knees started to go again, ankle throbbing so painfully it was almost too much… “RUN! PLEASE!”

The brown-haired one reached her first, and she realized with horror that he hadn’t picked his gun back up. _No…_

“Go back,” she pleaded as she staggered into him, hands pushing against his shirt as the tears finally, finally fell. “They’re coming!”

“Is it them?” he replied, looking her over with concern they didn’t have time for. “Were you with those men? With Randall? Did they…”

The one who’d been pointing the gun caught her gaze, and it looked like he’d been crying but she didn’t care, couldn’t care, not when every wasted second there meant one less second when _they_ arrived.

“Please,” she cried, shaking her head as her breaths came out as heaving sighs. “You gotta go, please…”

He held her gaze, understanding even when the other one wouldn’t. “Rick.”

Her lungs were seizing, but she had to tell them, had to let them know… “They’re a couple minutes behind me, _please_ , there’s too many, a whole herd, they…”

The man she’d been pushing away, _Rick,_ finally, _finally_ realized why she was so scared, her pleading so urgent, and the horror that crossed his face as he stumbled back would have been almost laughable if the situation weren’t so dire.

“Rick, go,” the other man said too calmly, starting to load his weapon. Rick’s face contorted as understanding of another kind hit him.

“It wasn’t loaded?” His expression was one of hurt, loss, grief, shock, horror all at once, but they didn’t have time for this…

They were _coming_.

“Course not,” the other replied, too quietly. She’d missed something but fuck, they _didn’t have time for this…_ “You gotta go. Warn the others, take care of- of-… I’ll draw ‘em off long as I can.”

“Shane…”

She shook her head. _No time. No time._

“There’s too many,” she whimpered, and it was like the two of them forgot she was there, they were so startled to hear her voice. “Maybe over a hundred of them. You can’t hold ‘em off, you gotta run.”

It was then that her body chose to betray her, swaying on the spot like a damn leaf on a tree, and she was done, now. She knew this was it, her last moment to stick it to the groaners before she died. The men would make it though. Maybe. There were others, he’d said, and maybe they’d have time to make it but she didn’t. She wouldn’t be able to keep up with them, and she wouldn’t ask them to help her. She was so tired of running…

It was the one called Shane that caught her before she got a chance to fall, his arm slipping under hers to hold her up.

_It’s too late. Just go._

“Rick,” he said sternly. The two men locked eyes for a moment, just one, and then Rick turned and sprinted back the way they came as Shane grabbed her wrist and squatted down with one leg between hers.

“What are you _doing_?” she cried out, squirming as he lifted her so she was draped across his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. “You gotta run!”

“Shut up!” he hissed at her as he readjusted his grip on her in a way that told her it wasn’t his first time doing something like that. “You wanna draw ‘em in even faster?”

“I’ll slow you down,” she protested when he started to move. This wasn’t what she thought would happen. That warning was her last one good thing, she’d made peace with that, it was her time… All the fight she’d had wasn’t there now. That tiredness was now resignation, and yet…

“Think you’re gon’ get there faster yourself, sweetheart?” he grunted as he hauled ass up the slight incline, legs powerful beneath them where hers had been weak and shaking. She opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off with a terse, “You won’t.”

They got halfway across the field before the first sign of exhaustion revealed itself, just a stumble of his feet and a brief slip in his grip on her wrist, but it was enough to make her heart fall through to her stomach. They weren’t going to make it.

“Enough,” he snapped. “You’re gonna make it.”

“I’m injured,” she told him. “I’m not strong enough to-”

“You get bit?” He gripped her wrist so tightly it was almost painful, breath huffing out of him as he kept going.

“No, I-”

“Then you’re makin’ it outta here.” The way he said it was like a promise, an oath sworn not to her, but maybe to God, or maybe himself. “You warned us. You didn’t have to, ya coulda kept on runnin’.”

She didn’t have a response to that, didn’t have the breath in her lungs or the movement in her lips to tell him he was wrong, that her first instinct had been to leave them to the groaners, that selfishness made her change her mind before guilt made her realize she should have stayed behind to slow the groaners down instead.

The adrenaline that seemed to have been keeping him going started to wane, she knew it, he knew it, but they got their second of rest when she spotted Rick’s discarded gun on the ground right as they passed it.

“Stop!” she cried, wriggling in his hold. He let her go, more out of fear of dropping her than surrender, and she staggered to pick up the gun, praying that one, at least, was loaded.

Shane gave her an incredulous look which she shrugged off, turning back to check if the groaners had caught up to them yet. By some miracle, there was no sign of them, no noise other than the rustle of the trees and she thought that maybe, just maybe, they might outrun them…

“Turn around,” she told him. “If they start comin’, one of us is gonna have to start shooting. I’ll have your back this way.”

He shook his head slightly, but turned none the less, and once she’d climbed onto his back with her thighs squeezed round him, he didn’t hesitate to start moving again. It was a little slower that way, and the constant bounce of his hurried footfall caused her chin to crash against his shoulder more than once, but it was safer than the alternative and they both knew it.

There was movement up ahead, hushed but urgent voices carrying across the grass as a group rushed out of a farmhouse to various vehicles. They were _living_ there, she realized, and that pang of guilt stabbed her in the chest again because what if she’d done this? What if she’d drawn the groaners right to their doorstep when she’d made that choice?

“Put me down,” she said softly, loosening her hold on him with her thighs. He slowed only slightly, but it was enough to tell her he was considering her request. “Shane.”

He let her slip down from her back again, panting breathlessly as he bent over with his hands on his knees.

“You need to go,” she told him. “I can pick ‘em off as much as I can when they breach, give you a fighting chance at escaping with your group.”

He swore lowly under his breath. Shook his head.

“Rick knows we’re comin’.” He straightened up, gestured towards the farm house. “You go now, start making your way up there. They won’t leave you, Rick’s too much of a bleedin’ heart.”

“You don’t wanna make it back,” she realized in that moment. “You wanna die. You wanna be bait for ‘em. You…”

He didn’t reply, but the sudden rigidness in his spine when he rubbed a hand over the back of his head was confirmation enough.

She laughed. Oh, she laughed so damn hard because this was _perfect_.

“Shoulda just stayed back by the trees.” She took a few steps away before turning back to look at him. “Coulda distracted them further away from your people.”

“They’re not…” Shane began. “They’re not mine.”

“No?” She raised an eyebrow. “So you were just arguing with some random guy loud enough to raise the dead, huh? I saw the looks between you two, you _know_ each other, that ain’t just some friendship forged since the world went to shit.”

“It don’t matter.”

“Doesn’t matter?” She threw her hands up in the air. “Shit, man, that’s _everything!_ ”

“I ain’t going back there,” he swore. “You should just go on ahead, give yourself a fightin’ chance.”

“If you knew you weren’t gonna go back to them, why did you carry me?” she demanded to know. “Why even try?”

“Because if I didn’t do it, Rick would!” he snapped at her, and the rage in his eyes, the madness, made her take a step back on instinct. “I held a gun to his head and he wouldn’t even shoot me because he doesn’t understand that this world ain’t what it used to be and I’m already past savin’! He’d rather try help a stranger than run back to his wife and kid to get them the hell outta here, because he doesn’t… He always, _always,_ chooses to try and be the hero and he wouldn’t make the decision to leave you. So I couldn’t leave you.”

She saw something, then. The look of a man who’d seen and done too much, who had backed himself into such a dark corner of his mind that he’d forgotten the light switch was in his own hand.

“That group is better off,” he continued, and she wondered if he truly believed that or was telling himself he did. “ _They_ are better off. I’ve done too much, hurt too many of-”

“So, what?” She took a step forward. “You’re just gonna roll over and let the groaners get you and hope that sacrifice means something other than devastation for those people up there?”

“They won’t care that I-”

“Won’t care?” She spat the words at him, and fuck the herd, fuck the groaners, fuck this world and all the shit that came with it. “You don’t argue like that with someone you don’t care about. He didn’t shoot you, because maybe, just maybe, he sees some good left in you, something worth saving! I don’t give a flying fuck what history there is between you, but you pulled a god damn gun on him, and he surrendered his weapon. People don’t do that unless they care, and _you_ wouldn’t have tried to drive him into it with a gun that wasn’t even loaded unless you cared too!”

Shane huffed out a laugh and there was that damn head rub again. His mouth twisted into a bitter expression, eyes darting across the field but not because he was seeking out groaners. He needed an escape, was desperate for one. So she tugged on that string, unraveled him, and it was funny how suddenly her priorities had shifted.

“I’d chop off my arms, right here, right now, to have someone, _anyone,_ left in this screwed up world that gave a shit about me, who cared enough to do that shit.” She stepped into his space, hand shoving roughly against his chest because if only one of them was getting back up to that house, it was gonna be him. “I ain’t got anyone left, now, they’re all fuckin’ dead, but you? You have that, and you’re just gonna throw that away for some suicide mission?"

How fucking stupid, to argue over who got to die instead of who got to live. But this was more than that, somehow, so she couldn’t stop, wouldn’t stop, time running out or not.

“Why? You think that’s gonna redeem you for all the wrongs you’ve done? What did you do? Did you fuck his wife?” His pained expression told her she hit the jackpot, but she kept going, kept pushing, because if she was going to die tonight it was gonna be making sure one less person was forced to give up by this world. “And why stop there, huh? Did you kill people too? Did you make the decision to sacrifice one life to save someone you care about? Or did you do it because you just liked the power kick, huh? Make you feel important, killing a man? Maybe you thought it would impress her, showing her who the big bad alpha is, the one who can protect her, the one who-”

“Shut up,” he growled. Finally, finally, he pushed back, and she wanted to applaud herself for a job well done. “You don’t know shit!”

“I know you’re about to throw yourself on a sword you only think is there,” she told him lowly. She glanced over his shoulder, realized their time was up. _They’d_ reached the tree line. “So you got a choice to make. We both die, and you steal any hope of closure away from them, or you turn around and you fight for them, fight _with_ them.”

Shane’s gaze flitted between the onslaught of groaners maybe a mile or so out, and the flurry of movement as his group finished packing up and prepared to move.

A sense of peace settled in her, like somehow this was God telling her she was finished now. She’d made her choice. She had nobody she cared about left to fight for, not even herself, but she’d fought for this group of strangers and would continue to fight for them before the herd overwhelmed her, even if it only bought them a few seconds. She could rest, then. Join Joseph, and their father.

Shane turned his gaze on her, dark brown locked on defiant blue, and the fire there almost made her smile. She'd done good.

“What’s it gonna be?” she asked, even though she already knew the answer. Nobody would miss her, because the only people who would have were already missed. But they would have missed him, and now they wouldn’t have to. She’d done good.

 “I’m sorry,” he said to her, and before she could even blink the butt of his gun crashed against her temple.

She’d done good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, kids! It's gonna be a bumpy ride xx


	2. Tame Your Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in 24 hours has never happened for me before ever, but while the muse is strong I'm going to churn these out as much as I can for you because there's not enough Shane Walsh love in this world!
> 
> Hope you enjoy xx

_When I was a child, I’d sit for hours staring into open flame._

_Something in it had a power, could barely tear my eyes away._

Her head was throbbing.

That was the first thing she became aware of.

She was moving.

That was the second.

The third was that she was supposed to be dead.

She jerked upright, the movement clumsy and dizzying, and frantically started feeling her skin for any signs, any indication, vision too blurred to make anything out clearly. _No, no, no, no, no, no, no…_

“You’re not a walker.”

She inhaled sharply, eyes struggling to focus as her heart felt like it was trying to beat its way out of her chest.

“Easy.”

A hand reached backwards to hers, warm but rough, but her fingers were shaking too much for her to respond. Her breaths came out as wheezes, and everything seemed to be spinning. She heard the voice utter a low curse and then everything around her came skidding to an abrupt halt.

“Fuck it,” the voice muttered, and then there was a series of noises before something, some _one_ was next to her, grabbing her flailing wrists to stop her from moving as she recoiled and tried to push herself away. “Calm down.”

“No, no, no, no…”

“HEY!” Weight pushed itself half over her and one of those hands tried to restrain her kicking legs while the other moved to grip the side of her face, forcing her to look up. “Calm the fuck down or you’re gonna draw the walkers in.”

Fear shut her up, then. _Walkers?_

“That’s it,” came the voice again. “Just breathe, darlin’, just breathe.”

After what felt like an age, her vision stopped swimming and she could focus enough to make out more than just a fuzzy shape in front of her. Brown eyes, shaved head, nose that looked like it had been broken on more than one occasion…

“Shane?”

He nodded, and the two stared at each other a moment until the adrenaline wore off and she was suddenly very aware that she was pressed up against the window in the backseat of a car and he was almost completely on top of her.

“You good?” he asked, eyes seeking something in hers that she couldn’t quite place. It was her turn to nod this time, and once she had, he slowly moved away from her, hands up and off her like a negotiator trying to placate an armed assailant.

He settled in the seat next to her and rubbed his hand over his head, looking straight in front instead of at her. She didn’t move from her cramped position against the door, but her legs relaxed just enough for her toes to nudge at his thigh. The hand not against his scalp fell to land softly on her ankles, like an afterthought, but neither of them moved for several moments.

“Walkers, huh?” she finally murmured, huffing out a laugh. He looked at her inquiringly. “That’s what you call ‘em?”

“Yeah.”

She swallowed hard, noting how dehydrated she was when her throat burned in protest. “Guess you ain’t seem ‘em run yet.”

He laughed almost bitterly in a way that told her he most definitely had. “Think Groaners is much better?”

She shrugged. He had a point.

Pushing herself more upright, she left her feet where they were, the warmth of his palm against her skin a grounding force as she tried to fit everything together. Her aching head, the memory of his gun being brought down to her temple, the fact they were both in a vehicle together now…

“You didn’t leave me,” she stated.

“Wanted to,” he replied truthfully.

“That why you knocked me out?”

“Maybe.” He shifted in his seat, hand tightening on her ankles on reflex. “Or maybe I just wanted you to shut the hell up.” He looked over at her, an almost smile making his lips twitch. “Pain in my ass.”

She laughed heartily, head tilting back to rest against the glass window. “Ain’t like you’re all sunshine and rainbows, either.”

He doesn’t disagree.

“Look, what I said-” she began, but he cut her off before she could get the words out.

“It worked,” he told her sharply. “That’s all that matters.”

Just like that, that particular line of conversation was over. She nodded, more to herself than to him, and looked down at her hands, which were still bloodied from when she’d tried to-

He answered her silent question with a gesture to her side and a muttered, “Patched you up best I could. Gonna need supplies though, if you don’t wanna catch an infection.”

She stretched slightly, grimacing at the slight burn across her ribs with the moment. “Thanks.”

“Must’ve run pretty far,” he noted, “you’d clearly been bleeding for a while. Thought maybe you’d lost too much by the time I was able to stop and sort it.”

She was quiet for a moment, flashes of panic and terror and resignation, that overwhelming sense of doom that had washed over her with every mile she’d run hitting her hard. She didn’t realize her hands were shaking, but Shane did, and a pang of regret made him curse his own callousness.

“Hey, sorry, that was an asshole mo-”

“I spotted them maybe late early evening?” She brought a trembling hand up to her temple, but chose not to comment on the fact he’d cleaned the blood from her face at some point. “Never seen so many. Not like that.”

Shane sat quietly and had the decency not to stare at her as she spoke.

“I was washing my clothes by this creek…” She closed her eyes briefly, then opened them again when the memories were all she saw. “Heard this noise, you know? You can’t mistake it for anything else, can you? That groan…” She shuddered. “So I look up, and they haven’t spotted me yet, there’s… there’s only a few of ‘em at that point, and the wind must’ve been blowing towards me, not them, ‘cause I can smell ‘em but they can’t smell me, otherwise they’d be on me by now. So I freeze, ‘cause if one of ‘em spots me, they all do, you know? You seen ‘em when that happens? When they all turn at once?”

Shane didn’t reply, but she didn’t need him to.

“It’s like they’re this hive mind. Once one of ‘em does something, spots something, that’s all they focus on. All of ‘em. And I didn’t know how many there were, just that there was this energy… like more of ‘em were comin’, so I left my stuff and I tried to sneak away… got maybe a mile before I fell. Stumbled over a damn tree root like an amateur…” She laughed at herself, hand covering her side reflexively. “Must’ve almost impaled myself. Nearly managed to fall down this cliff looking thing into some river. Screamed like a little girl. Think that’s what drew them to me. That sound must’ve carried, because next thing I know, I hear them in the distance so I…”

“Hey.” Shane’s hand squeezed her ankles again. “You made it. That’s what counts.”

“Feels like I… Like I drew ‘em right to you…” She gasped in horror, recoiling from him. They were alone, nobody else was nearby, which meant- “Your friends! Where- Are they- Did they-”

“They’re alive,” he assured her with a forced neutrality. “Last I saw, anyway, before they drove off.”

She frowned. “They didn’t wait for you?”

“Nah.” He laughed under his breath. “Didn’t expect ‘em too either, but they, uh… They left us this thing, so I guess… maybe…”

She nodded in understanding. They may not have waited for him, but they didn’t leave him up shit creek without some sort of paddle either. “Told you they cared.”

“Whatever,” he muttered, shifting uncomfortably under her gaze.

The two sat in awkward silence, and she took the time to take stock of their situation. They had a car, though she didn’t know how much gas they had, and as for supplies? Hers were by that creek, and she doubted Rick’s group had taken the time to pack up the car for a man they left behind. They’d need to find some, and soon. She couldn’t remember when she’d last had any food or water, and her body ached with their absence.

“There’s a bunch’a cars on the highway, back where we came from,” she remembered. “Jo-… I drove by there once, but didn’t stop longer than it took to siphon some gas. Maybe there’s some things there?”

His reply was sharp and immediate. “No.”

“Shane.” She frowned.

“We’re miles in the opposite direction. I’m tired, been drivin’ all night, and I ain’t-” he tried to protest, but she cut him off with a short huff of breath before opening her car door and swinging her legs out.

“Fine. I’ll drive.” She climbed out the car and forced herself not to stumble as she made her way round to the driver’s side, only to be blocked by Shane’s hand slamming down on the driver’s door before she could open it. “Oh, for fuck’s-”

“We ain’t goin’ there.” His eyes were full of that fire again, like the one she’d stoked within them last night only this one was somehow colder, almost fearful in its intensity.

“Why?” She shook her head in disbelief, trying fruitlessly to open the door. “Why would you just ignore a potential gold mi-”

“I said no!” he snapped at her, then immediately tried to soften his tone when he saw her take a step back in fear. “Rick’ll be there, alright? We, uh… We lost someone there, camped on that highway while we looked for Soph-… for her. That’s where he’ll go if they ever got split up, if they ever needed to re-group.”

“And you drove in the _opposite_ direction?!” She laughed incredulously, then stepped forward again, trying to barge him out the way with her shoulder as her hands fought his for the handle. The two tussled for several moments, but her determination and ire was no match for his bulk and strength and he quickly overpowered her.

She shoved herself away from him, cursing as her head pounded and her side burned. “You’re fucking crazy.”

“Ain’t that the truth,” he muttered.

She ignored his comment and paced with her hands on her hips, trying to cool her anger to a simmer instead of a steaming rage. Two hot heads would get them nowhere, and something told her his boiling point was a lot lower than hers. “Why am I here?”

She felt his eyes on her even though he didn’t respond, and somehow that made her laugh.

“If you’re gonna just ignore something that could keep us both breathing because of some male ego thing, why did you even bring me along for the ride?”

He held out a hand, tone indignant. “Hey! No! Let me tell you summin’, lady, you don’t get to just-”

She swatted his hand away like she would an annoying fly, refusing to let him talk over her when they both knew her point was valid.

“You and I both know I was happy to die back there. I made my peace. And then you, what? Got lonely, had a change of heart?” She stopped in front of him, and he looked down at the ground, unable to hold her gaze. “Why am I here, Shane?”

He grimaced at something, a thought maybe, and scrubbed his hand over his head so hard it must have hurt. “I don’t know.”

“Perfect.” She turned and rested beside him against the car, arms barely brushing. “Think that’s the first honest thing you’ve said to me this whole time. Oversensitive jackass.”

“You done, Princess?” he gritted out after a moment. When she didn’t respond, he gestured to the trees on the other side of the road where a lone walker could just about be seen ambling towards them. “Or you wanna bring in some more walkers? Maybe that whole herd from before?”

“You’re an asshole,” she muttered, pushing off the car and making her way round to the front passenger side this time.

“Preachin’ to the choir, darlin’,” he called after her, then opened the driver’s side door and slid in. “Preachin’ to the god damned choir.”

He found himself turning the car around and driving in the direction of that damned highway before she could say another word about it. She’d rattled his cage, shook him with such ferocity, such fire, that the voices in his head were too stunned to make another peep. And oh, how they’d been screaming at him, lately. Tearing him apart. Pull, tug, push, shove. Not a moment of damned peace, not a single one, between Lori twisting the knife in his heart and Rick shredding his faith with every stupid decision, every time his lack of regard for his own family’s safety put everyone in danger…

He wanted to think it started after Otis, but part of him wondered if maybe it’d been there the whole time. He’d always been a hot head, but he’d always had Rick to keep him in line, keep him in check, and when he was dead, when Shane _thought_ he was dead… That leash disintegrated, the one that tied him to reality, to rationality, and he did not know what to do. So he got them out. Lori. Carl.

He’d have fucked _that_ up anyway, he reminded himself. The whole thing with her was fucked from the start, but it had been what kept him going. He’d clung on to that, to _her_ , tightly, with both hands, and he couldn’t let it go because it was the one good thing… the _only_ thing, that made this new world bearable. He’d made a mistake when he slept with her, more than one if he was honest, but clinging to something that wasn’t real? That was the worst one of all.

He’d known that, deep down. Known that the only reason they’d taken that leap together was because both of them needed to feel a connection to Rick, no matter how feeble. And then instead of letting it -letting _her_ \- go when Rick came back, it was like having that leash snatched away again, his one tether to humanity gone. So he’d held on even tighter, but that had warped it, maimed it...

 _How can you treat me like this?_ He’d asked her, once. Before he’d almost… He’d never have hurt her, not deliberately, but she’d been so scared of him in that moment. He knew that, because he’d scared himself, too. But God, he was so sick of everybody taking that high ground he’d been pushed so violently from.

Trying to do the right thing, stick with their morals, help everyone else all the time… Rick more than anyone clung to the idea of that past society. Of the old world. He hadn’t been there when that same old world had gone to shit. He hadn’t seen it morph into the grotesque mockery it was now. Rick hadn’t made those tough calls, hadn’t seen those bombs get dropped on Atlanta and damn them all to Hell. Shane was the only one who saw it, because he’d tried so hard to shield everyone else.

It all came to a head when Carl was lying there, dying there. And Rick needed to be there for Carl, so Shane had to be the one to do what needed to be done. So he did what needed to be done. When it came down to it, it wasn’t Shane or Otis. It was Carl or Otis. So pulling that trigger had been easy. Walking away, hearing Otis scream? That had been the hard part. The first voice to lodge itself in his brain.

_What you know ‘bout what I can live with? You got no idea what I can live with. What I live with._

Each new day brought more of them… Sophia, Dale, Randall… The reality of this new world was staring them right in the face and he’d had enough of them ignoring it. They refused to see, refused to hear him when he screamed the truth, just shrugged him off like he was crazy and that made him _feel_ crazy. He couldn’t leave them to die, but he couldn’t stand to stay and have everybody think he was the bad guy either. He couldn’t live with it anymore. Not when all he wanted, all he ever wanted… _I was just trying to keep everyone safe._

“You know, I think I’m gonna have to take back what I said before.”

Shane blinked, hands tightening on the steering wheel as her voice forced him to focus on the here and now.

“What?”

“Your friends?” She was tapping her fingers against the window absently. “I don’t think they liked you very much.”

Shane gritted his teeth. _Don’t say that. You can’t say that to me. Not you. Don’t take that away from me._

All the _He didn’t shoot you, because maybe, just maybe, he sees some good left in you, something worth saving_ started to fade away, disintegrate right in front of him…

“Why else would they leave you with this shitty Hyundai?” she continued, and the threads of his new tether froze and held, just barely, like they were holding their breath and waiting for her to speak. To destroy or save. “Who picked this out, anyway? I mean, why _green_? No other shitty colours to pick? Fuck, man, this is such a Mom car.”

Shane couldn’t stop the shock of laughter escaping his lips.

“What?” She turned to look at him. “Somethin’ good about this car I don’t know about?”

“No, but I still picked it.” he confessed, then admitted, “Not my finest moment.”

She laughed with him then, shaking her head in dismay. “Oh, Shane.”

“Got alright fuel economy though,” he offered. “Decent trunk size.”

“That right?” she teased. “That why you picked it? Good miles to the gallon?”

“Somethin’ like that.” He didn’t tell her the only reason he picked it was because it was closest, would give him the fastest escape route out of there. He didn’t need to. “You talkin’ to me now?”

“You gonna stop being a dick?” she countered.

Shane shrugged. “Why? M'I hurtin’ your feelings, Princess?”

She rolled her eyes, and there was that twang of regret again. She looked out the window, at the trees flying by. They couldn’t be that far out, now, but he didn’t want the rest of the ride to be in total silence, even if it was a semi-comfortable one.

“Ava Jane.”

He hadn’t expected her to speak again so soon, and almost missed it. “What?”

“My name,” she clarified. “Prefer Ava though. Definitely not a princess neither.”

“Well, _Ava_ , I ain’t making no promises, but I’ll try and reign it in.”

“Good, ‘cause I ain’t afraid to dump your ass in the middle of a herd if you’re gonna keep takin’ whatever shit you got going on upstairs out on me,” she told him firmly. “Don’t need a partner who’s gonna lose his mind when I need him to have my back.”

“That what we are now, darlin’?” he teased, though he knew the comment about his mental state wasn’t unjustified. “Partners?”

“You see anyone else in this piece of shit car with you?” she tossed back. “Unless you wanna cut me loose after all? Take me back to that farm?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“That’s ’cause you know loners don’t make it out here.” She sighed. “Can’t do this on our own.”

She wasn’t just referring to surviving, there. He knew she got it, too. Nobody could make it on their own in this new world. Hell, he hadn’t even needed to be alone to feel alone, and look where that had got him. Halfway to crazy town with a one way ticket.

Somewhere between him carrying her across that field and knocking her out, he’d made a pact. He wouldn’t leave her to wander alone. And somehow, someway, she’d done the same when she’d screamed at him for wanting to opt out.

_I ain’t got anyone left, now, they’re all fuckin’ dead, but you? You have that, and you’re just gonna throw that away for some suicide mission?_

“Ava Jane and Shane, huh?” he teased, trying to lighten the moment before the voices came back. “The Dream team.”

She reached over and shoved his shoulder, cursing him under her breath. “Piece’a shit.”

“No contest there, sweetheart.”

She smirked and turned back to look out the window again, but Shane found himself wanting her to talk again. To offer up something to listen to other than his own demons, because they were quiet when she was speaking. She was too much of a thunderstorm for them to even have a chance of being heard, barging her way in like that.

“What’d you do before all this anyways?” he asked, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. It was a feeble attempt at conversation, but one that seemed to have worked, for she sighed softly before looking back over to him.

“Does that matter now?” she wondered. “Who we were before?”

“No,” he admitted, “but what else is there to talk about? This shitstorm?”

“Fair.” She shifted in her seat, fingers running through her hair and tangling in the knots. “I was studying at Georgia Gwinnett College, just the other side of Atlanta.”

“Go Grizzlies,” he muttered, if only just to make her smile.

“Damn right.” She laughed to herself, only to sober slightly with her next words. “Heard about some freaky shit going on and… well… you can guess the rest.”

 _Roads blocked. Chaos. The Bombs._ He nodded. “So, Georgia Gwinnett, huh? Surprised you-”

“What? Think I’m too old to be a student?” she interjected. She’d heard that shit so many times… “I’m twenty-five, you Jackass.”

“I was gonna say I was surprised you made it this far past the city.”

Ava cringed internally, but he seemed to give her a free pass.

“What did you study?”

“What do you think I studied?” she countered, genuinely interested to know.

“You seem smart,” he thought out loud. “Got a fire ‘boutcha… Damn good in an argument… Law or Politics, maybe? You’re good at reading people too, though… got me thinking psychology?”

“Close,” she gave him. “Criminology.”

He smirked and shook his head. _What were the chances?_

“What? Something funny?”

“Nah, just…” He turned to look at her, unable to stop a smile turning his lips up. “What ‘bout me? What you think I did?”

“Apart from be a pain in the ass?” She raised an eyebrow. “Somethin’ with your hands, maybe? I dunno. Fireman? You seem to have that carry thing down.”

“Close.” When she didn’t make any more guesses, he put her out of her misery. “I was a Police Officer.”

The look of shock on her face was almost laughable. “No shit.”

“Officer Shane Walsh of the King County Sheriff’s Department at your service.”

“God damn,” she muttered with a disbelieving shake of her head. “That where you met Rick?”

“Nah.” He swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. “We grew up together. He’s my-… he was like my brother.”

“Huh.” She nodded to herself, like it made perfect sense. “I had a brother once. Joseph. World separated us, too.”

Without thinking it through, Shane reached over and touched her hand, but instead of recoiling like he expected she let her fingers curl round his and just… stayed.

The rest of the ride was quiet after that. So was Shane’s head.


	3. Open Flame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three days in a row is some kind of record for me, I swear to God! Hope you like the new chapter - I didn't lie when I said it was going to be a bumpy ride!
> 
> PS: TheBlueBicycle and thebeastinsideusall, I live for your comments right now, so you can thank yourselves for encouraging me to get this new addition out so fast!

_All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach._

SOPHIA STAY HERE

WE WILL COME EVERY DAY

The words were faded. Sad white lines leaking down the windshield of an old Ford Mustang. Their meaning, however, still remained clear.

Shane had refused to come this far over, muttering something about keeping watch, but this told Ava all she needed to know. The person they’d lost, the one whose name he hadn’t been able to get out… she was why the small food supply below the words remained untouched. Another light snuffed out by this world.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, reaching out as if to touch them before catching herself and letting her hand fall to rest on the hood of the car. She turned to look in Shane’s direction, but he still had his back to her, body tense as he searched through another car.

The others had been here, he’d told her as soon as they arrived. One of the vehicles they’d been using was abandoned on the side of the road with blood smeared on the outside, and there were tyre tracks belonging to a motorcycle freshly imprinted into the ground. Neither of them had stated the obvious, but Ava knew that had to have hurt. They’d come back, only to leave him behind once again.

With a heavy sigh, Ava picked up the neatly folded blanket from the Mustang and spread it out on the hood, quickly placing the meager supplies on top of it and scooping them up like a makeshift bag. Her side twinged with the movement, reminding her of the other task at hand.

She’d finally bled through the hastily formed bandage Shane had wrapped her wound in shortly before they arrived on the highway, but she hadn’t told Shane that. It seemed to be leaking sluggishly now instead of in pulses like the night before, and telling him as much would achieve nothing except him banning her from leaving the car and trying to search on his own. She couldn’t risk that, not when something told her being alone was the last thing he needed right then.

Although the abandoned convoy of cars was probably once rife with supplies, it was clear people had scavenged a lot from it already, leaving very little remaining to be found. Ava had thought that was probably the case when she and Joseph had come by the last time, but they hadn’t had time to check before walkers came and they’d had to leave the area. Part of her wondered if maybe Shane’s group had been the ones to do it - it would explain how they’d been able to afford to leave their missing member those rations. But even if that wasn’t the case, the fact they hadn’t then picked that particular load of supplies up on their second visit here spoke volumes.

Ignoring the gnawing guilt in her gut, Ava lifted the blanket of supplies off the hood and swung them over her shoulder before moving on to the next group of cars. There were no antibiotics to be found anywhere, which didn’t surprise her one bit, but she was able to scavenge the remnants of a first aid kit and a half empty bottle of vodka along with a few empty jerry cans that they’d be able to siphon fuel into so it was better than nothing.

With a grimace, she shoved her haul into the open trunk of the Hyundai and grabbed the jerry cans before heading over the empty-looking water truck she’d last seen Shane near. She held her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun as she scouted the area for any sign of movement before turning back to the truck. Three full containers sat on the top row, untouched, but it looked like he’d managed to somehow miss them.

“Shane?” she called out. When he didn’t respond, she huffed in frustration, tapping her foot on the ground impatiently before rolling her eyes and placing the jerry cans on the ground by her feet.

“Fuck it.” She climbed up onto the truck in front of the almost empty container rack, hissing as her side pulled painfully in response.

Using one hand to steady herself, Ava grasped the mouth of the nearest bottle, pulling it towards her. The thing was damned heavy, barely even budging despite her best attempts.

“Shane? A little help, please?”

Hearing shuffled footsteps from nearby was a welcome relief, but she tried pushing the mouth of the bottle up in an attempt to free it anyway, only to realize she then had no way to pull it towards her without falling on her back. Defeat finally admitted, she twisted back round, mouth open and ready to chastise Shane for taking so long when he eventually showed… but then she remembered that Shane’s footsteps didn’t shuffle.

Panic seared through her chest and her heart lodged itself in her throat as she tried to work out where exactly the walker was coming from, but what difference would that make when she had no weapon to defend herself with?

She cursed under her breath, eyes desperately seeking a place to hide. The walkers weren’t exactly smart, but they’d be able to smell her blood once they got close enough, and she wouldn’t easily be able to run if she hid inside or under the truck… She’d have to climb on top of it.

“You gotta be kidding me,” she mumbled to herself as she reached up to grab the top of the truck with both hands.

She brought one of her feet up to push against the rack of water containers and pulled with her arms, ribcage pressing hard against the edge of the truck as she heaved herself up as best she could. Legs flailing in the air, she just about managed to swing one of them up onto the roof and thanked her lucky stars for the limited dance lessons she’d taken over spring break in preparation for summer. She used the additional leverage to haul herself up onto the roof, just in time for the walker to emerge from round the other side of the truck and stumble its way to where she’d just been standing.

She rolled quietly onto her back, gritting her teeth against the pain as her hand pressed hard against her side, blood seeping between her fingers even as she tried to stem its flow. The walker’s shuffled footsteps slowed, like it somehow sensed that life had been present in that very spot just moments before, and Ava closed her eyes as she forced herself not to make a sound.

It was maybe only a minute or two, but it felt like hours passed before the walker resumed its miserable ambling once more, drifting aimlessly along until the sound faded to silence again. Ava let out a long but shaky breath, waiting several more moments before rolling onto her front and shifting so her legs dangled off the side of the truck, not quite able to reach the foothold she’d been standing on before.

Her hands fisted against the roof as she began to lower herself down, gritting her teeth against the pain. Before her foot had a chance to brush against metal, though, fingers brushed against her waist and she let out a sharp cry as she lost her grip on the roof and started to fall…

Something caught her in time to stop her hitting the ground and quickly twisted her round before a warm body pushed her against the side of the truck. A hand covered her mouth, urgent brown eyes burning into her blue ones. “Easy.”

Tears welled in her eyes even as she nodded in understanding, and relief flooded through her as Shane leaned back slightly to check her outburst hadn’t attracted the walker’s attention. As his hand slipped from her mouth, Ava let her head drop forward to rest against his shoulder while her shaking fingers gripped onto his shirt, right above his belt.

“We’re clear,” he murmured. Ava’s fingers curled against his waist as she allowed herself one moment to regroup, but he barely had time to register the sensation before she was lifting her head and letting her hands fall away.

Embarrassed, Ava blinked back the tears she hadn’t let fall and ran her hand through her hair, not caring about the blood she’d undoubtedly smeared there as she moved from the safety net of Shane’s body to pick up the jerry cans she’d left on the ground.

“I found these,” she told him as she lifted one into his eyeline. “Not sure where we’re gonna get a hose from, but I’m sure I’ll find something that’ll work for the time being.”

Shane’s eyes caught the stain on her shirt and he looked down at his fingers, which glistened with the same shade of red that haunted his nightmares on the regular, now.

“You’re bleeding…”

“I’m good,” she assured him with a weak smile, trying to downplay it. “Couldn’t get those bottles of water down, though.” She gestured to the truck. “We’ll need them while we look for a place to rest for the night.”

He took a step forwards, brows furrowed with concern. “Ava-”

“Shane, I’m alright,” she stressed. “Let’s just finish up and get out here, okay? We can deal with this later.”

Not giving him a chance to respond, Ava turned and headed back in the direction she’d come from, refusing to let the terror from minutes before or the throbbing in her body overwhelm her. They didn’t have the luxury of basking in those emotions, couldn’t afford to think about the horrifying truth of their reality, because that would cripple them. _Keep moving. Rejoice for the dead. Weep for the living._

It didn’t take her long to find a semi-suitable hose to siphon what little gas remained in the surrounding vehicles, and soon she had two of the three jerry cans as full as she could get them. She packed the empty one in the trunk for future use and quickly set about gathering what little else she could, straying over to Shane’s designated area once she deemed hers spent.

“Found anything decent?” she asked as she approached.

“Not much. An old tent, few blankets, some aspirin… couple cans of food in one of them cars back there, too.” He eyed her side warily. “How ‘bout you? Found anythin’ for that wound o’yours yet?”

“There was a tiny sewing kit in that red pick-up and parts of a first aid kit I managed to find,” she replied with a shrug. “Got some food and gas, too.”

Shane nodded. “Surprised you managed to find that much.”

“Your guys cleared it out pretty good,” she conceded, “but there were some cars that weren’t touched.”

“We, uh…” Shane shook his head like he was shaking off a bad dream before turning his attention back to the hunt for something useful in the trunk of his latest target. “Ran into a bit of trouble, didn’t have much time to…”

Ava brushed her hand over the small of his back in a gesture of comfort, not needing him to continue for her to understand.

“No need to look this particular gift horse in the mouth,” she said softly. “We’d be screwed without it.”

She moved to her own vehicle, opening one of the passenger doors so she could get a foothold to reach one of the red storage boxes tied to the roof. She prized open the lid and reached inside, smiling widely when her fingers brushed against soft clothing and the unmistakable hilt of a knife.

“Jackpot!” She grabbed the knife from the box and cut through the bindings holding it to the roof, tucking it into her waistband before turning to Shane. “Mind helping me with this?”

Together they managed to retrieve both the red box and its neighbor, lowering both to the ground before inspecting them more thoroughly. The men’s clothing inside the first one was too small for Shane to even consider but, even though it would be a little loose on her, the women’s clothing was viable so Ava added that to their pile before moving on to the next case. Inside that one was more men’s clothing, though this time some of the items would fit Shane nicely. Tucked underneath was a handgun and some ammunition, which she offered to him without hesitation.

“You’re the firearms expert here, not me,” Ava pointed out when he didn’t move to take them. “There’s another hunting knife in here to go with this one so I’m not exactly unarmed.”

“I already got a weapon,” he reminded her. “I don’t need-”

Ava held up a hand to silence him and smiled. “Maybe not, but I’d feel better if the cop who don’t got the same twitchy trigger finger I do was in charge of the dinner bell instead of me. I don’t wanna risk drawin’ every walker in a half mile radius right to us if I get spooked again, okay?”

“Spooked?” Shane frowned until he realized what she was referring to. “This ‘bout the walker and the water truck?” When Ava didn’t respond, he knew he’d hit the nail on the head. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. Ain’t no point in that.”

Ava scoffed in disbelief. “I squealed like a stuck pig when you grabbed me. Almost brought him right back to us.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t,” he reminded her. When she still didn’t look convinced, he smirked and forced his tone to lighten. “Scared the shit outta ya, didn’t I?”

Ava shoved his shoulder hard enough to plant him on his ass and she laughed, shaking her head. “You’re an asshole.”

“Careful, darlin’,” he warned, that half smile twitching his lips. “Might start givin’ a guy a complex, talkin’ like that.”

“You already got a complex,” she teased right back as she pushed herself to her feet. “Ain’t nuthin’ to do with me.”

He smiled as he watched her scoop up their new wardrobe, surprised she was able to keep toe to toe with him like that. It kept things less heavy, stopped him from drifting into other places, gave him someone to focus on apart from himself. Something he used to have with Rick…

That feeling faded the moment she walked away. The voices hissed through the quiet, even as he grabbed their last few items and started after her. _Don’t start caring. You’ll break her, too._

“Shut up.”

_It’s only a matter of time before you leave her for walker-bait like you did Otis._

“That wasn’t-”

_Nah, that’s right… you’ll fuck her first, and then when something better comes, she’ll leave you too…_

He hit the side of his head with his palm, like he could rattle his brain hard enough to make it stop.

_Maybe if you knock her up like Lor-_

The sound of the Hyundai’s trunk slamming was enough to startle him, his body tensing as Ava walked round the side of the vehicle towards him.

“You okay?” she wondered. Shane swallowed hard and avoided her gaze. “Hey…”

The touch of her hand on his made him flinch, eyes snapping shut as his skin was set aflame.

“Whoa, easy there,” he heard her murmur, unperturbed by his reaction as she unpeeled his fingers from the blade of the knife he’d forgotten he was holding. “Jesus, Shane…”

Her free hand touched the side of his face and forced him to look at her. He couldn’t stand to hold her gaze, but couldn’t stand to turn away again either.

“You good?”

He stared at her a few moments longer before nodding and moving away, flexing his fingers and relishing in the pain from where the blade had pierced his skin. It grounded him. Kept him in the moment. Something real. Something not her.

Ava hesitated where she stood, thrown by the look of wild and raw terror and helplessness she’d seen in his eyes. It was like the previous night, when he’d been so close to losing it completely… She wanted to just shrug it off – he wasn’t her responsibility, after all. She barely even knew the guy, regardless of whether or not he’d saved her life. But in that moment, he’d looked so like her father when he came back from the Middle East… haunted by something only he could see.

_You think you understand this thing, Ava, but you weren’t there, you didn’t see it, you didn’t… you have no idea what I have done, baby, the people I hurt…_

_They are better off. I’ve done too much, hurt too many of-_

Ava cleared her throat and glanced down at the knife that was now in her hands, the edges covered in a red sheen from Shane’s white knuckled grip just moments before. She wiped the blade on her pant leg and hurried back to the car, where Shane was opening the driver’s side door.

Not wanting to startle him, she kept her footsteps heavy enough to be heard and forced herself to keep her hands at her side as she offered to drive instead.

“Just give me a minute to eat something, have a quick drink, and we can head somewhere new,” she asked softly.

Shane bowed his head for a moment before nodding, barely even looking at her as she opened the rear door and grabbed the supplies she’d left on the back seat. She turned to lean against the side of the car beside him and held out a packet of beef jerky for him to take before unscrewing the bottle of Gatorade she’d grabbed and taking a long drink from the it.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself, savoring the relief the fluid brought to her parched throat and mouth before offering it to Shane. “Want some?”

It took him a moment to respond, but he took the bottle from her and took a couple of gulps before passing it back. The two stood there for several minutes, silently passing the bottle of Gatorade and packet of jerky between themselves in silence as they kept an eye out for any walkers approaching.

When the drink was gone and the jerky almost finished, Ava went to open the driver’s side door, but Shane placed his hand on her wrist to stop her.

“Forgetting something?” he said roughly. Ava frowned, confused until he shot a glance down to her side and clarified, “We need to sort that first.”

“Shane, if a walker comes by-”

“We’ll do it on the back seat.” His tone left no room for argument. “I’ll lock us in if I have to, but this ain’t a negotiation, Princess. The last thing I need is for you to pass out at the wheel and kill us both.”

“I told you not to call me that,” she chided.

“Why you acting like one, then?” Shane tightened his grip on her wrist and guided her back to the rear passenger door, opening it expectantly.

Ava huffed and climbed into the back, knowing she wouldn’t win this particular argument. Shane moved to the rear of the car and popped the trunk, rummaging for what he needed before getting in after her. It was a tight squeeze, especially when he shut the door behind them, but Ava knew this was the safest course of action so didn’t complain any further, even when he gestured for her to unbutton her shirt.

To his credit, he averted his gaze as she stripped down to her bra, and his hands were gentle when he unwrapped the sopping bandage from her wound. Didn’t stop it from hurting like a bitch, though, and it took all the energy she had not to cry out when he peeled the gauze padding off and it pulled painfully at the edges of the wound.

“Think you aggravated it with your little Spiderman stunt back there,” he observed quietly, assessing the best course of action. “You’ll need stitches.”

“Good thing I got that sewing kit then, huh?” she managed to grind out as she reached down for something on the floor of the car by her feet. “And this bottle of vodka.”

“That’s gonna burn like a bitch,” he warned, taking it from her.

“Just don’t use it all to clean it, okay?” She leaned away to give him better access as he pressed a blanket against her skin beneath the wound ready to soak up the vodka. “I’m gonna need it if I’m gonna stay conscious this time.”

“You’ve done this before?” he asked softly, trying his best to distract her as he unscrewed the vodka bottle and offered her it. She nodded, then grabbed the bottle and took a large gulp, grimacing at the gross burn before passing it back.

Shane looked to her for permission, reassurance… anything. _I can’t do this unless you let me._

She nodded once and turned her head away, shoving the balled up fabric of her shirt in her mouth just in case.

“On three… One…”

“MOTHER OF-” Ava’s eyes streamed and her body froze up in shock as he poured the vodka over her side, but she forced herself to keep quiet, to not shove Shane away, to bite down on that fabric because their lives depended on it.

“Sorry,” Shane murmured, sounding genuinely so as he watched her hands clenched into tight fists. He used the blanket to dab over her searing flesh, cleaning it the best he could, as gently as he could.

“Gotta be done,” Ava forced herself to say, even as her legs shook and her head spun more with each second. She was aware of him prepping the needle, but the thought of what was to come made her wish she wasn’t.

“Hey…” Shane’s hand rested against hers, and she forced herself to relax. “Tell me about the last time you did this? Got a feelin’ there’s a decent story there.”

Ava huffed out a laugh. “Camping trip when I was eight.”

“Yeah?” His fingers pressed against the wound, drawing the sides together. “Who’d ya go with?”

“My dad.” Ava winced, breath hissing out through her teeth. “Joseph, my brother? He, uh…” Needle in. “He- _fuck_ \- he thought it’d be funny to-” Needle through. “To play a prank on me.” Knot tied. “He ran ahead of me, sayin’ there was this deer?” Repeat. “I was… I was eight, and he was so- _shit-_ he was so earnest, you know?” Shane nodded, but she barely registered it. “Son of a bitch hid behind a tree and let this branch fling right into my face.”

“Damn.”

“Uh-huh,” Ava pushed out. “Three stitches across the side of my neck. Daddy was so mad… and Joseph- Joseph felt so bad, he started cryin’ and then Daddy started stitching me up…” Ava whimpered at a particularly sensitive spot, but continued anyway. “Next thing, I swear to God I’m riding on the back of this deer right through the forest… But when I open my eyes and start tellin’ Daddy ‘bout it, they start laughin’ at me so hard…”

“You dream it?” Shane laughed.

“’Course! I was half out my damn skull!” Ava’s answering smile was more of a grimace. “Daddy gave me these pain killers, but they were a bit too strong for an eight year old. Trippin’ balls, I was!”

“How about now?” Shane murmured. “See any rideable deer?”

Ava looked over at him, surprised to see him cutting the thread of the final suture. “Nah. Just you.”

“Sorry to disappoint’cha.” A shadow passed across his face but was gone quicker than she could understand it. His fingers trembled as he laid a fresh piece of gauze over his handiwork and started to wrap a length of fabric round her torso to keep it in place. “Ain’t got much luck with deers round these parts lately.”

Ava shrugged, then gingerly straightened up before smiling gratefully as he offered her a fresh shirt. “Prefer ‘em as food, anyway.”

Shane laughed despite himself and gestured for her to turn away from him so he could help her get the shirt on without her twisting too much. Ava swept her hair over one shoulder as she did up the buttons, flashing him a glimpse of a scar on her neck he could only assume was caused by the incident in question.

“You need help with that hand?” she offered, unaware where his gaze had been drawn to.

“Nah.” He shook his head. “M’alright.”

“Y’sure?” She turned to face him and reached out to touch his hand, turning it over with more care than he thought he’d earned. “It’s not too deep, but it’d be best if-”

“I got it,” he snapped, much more harshly than he intended. Hurt flashed across her face, and he closed his eyes, wishing he hadn’t been the one to cause it. “Sorry.”

“Hey…” To his surprise, Ava gently cupped his face with both her hands, coaxing his eyes to open again. “Look, I know it’s none of my business, but-”

“Please don’t.” He gritted his teeth, finally averting his gaze. “Just leave it.”

Ava nodded to herself and let her hands drop. “Alright.”

Shane’s leg bounced relentlessly as he stubbornly grabbed another strip of fabric like the one he’d torn to form her bandage and wrapped it roughly across his palm, ignoring the heat of her eyes on him with every rough movement.

With a heavy sigh, Ava got out the car and started to walk back round to the driver’s side without another word. Shane’s hands clenched into fists, but the pain kept him grounded again, kept the white noise from turning into those condemning thoughts this time. He allowed himself a moment to get it together, then followed her movements, exiting the back to join her in the front of the car.

“Where to?” she asked, voice timid in a way that made him want to scream.

“Anywhere.” He shifted uneasily in his seat, unsure how to fix this. “Away.”

Ava’s fingers drummed on the steering wheel.

“My brother and I stayed at this house a few miles away,” she eventually said. “I- I had to move on, but… Might be clear? It’s away from the herd, anyway.”

“Alright,” Shane agreed.

She started the engine.

“Ava-”

She looked over and forced a smile. “Don’t worry about it. I overstepped. Won’t happen again.”

Shane opened his mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. In their absence, his mind started screaming again.

_She’ll leave you too. She’ll leave you too._


	4. The Place You Need To Reach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opening lyrics are from No Light, No Light from Florence and the Machine (awesome song and relevant right now), and my love goes to my favourite members of the Shane fanclub for their comments because they're the best!
> 
> Enjoy xx

_Would you leave me if I told you what I’ve done?_

_And would you need me if I told you what I’ve become?_

_‘Cause it’s so easy to say it to a crowd._

_But it’s so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud._

The drive to the house wasn’t far, but every half mile closer made Ava wish that wasn’t the case. She’d known what she was doing when she suggested the place, but that hadn’t prepared her for the reality of driving down that dirt road and parking up nearby. Her hands shook as she killed the engine, praying that if Shane noticed he’d have the decency not to comment. He didn’t.

“There might be a few walkers outside,” she warned, fingers flexing against the steering wheel. “We’ll be better off on foot ‘til we clear it, or they’ll swarm right to us with the noise. We can bring the car once we’re secure.”

“You know this place,” Shane accepted. “Your lead, darlin’.”

Ava nodded, then allowed herself a moment to breathe. _Keep moving. Rejoice for the dead. Weep for the living._

“Ava?”

She waited until her next words were the truth. “I’m good. Let’s go.”

True to his word, Shane followed her without protest as they carefully approached the house, using the trees to cover them as long as possible. The immediate area seemed clear, but Shane knew better than to trust appearances alone.

“What’s our play here?”

“The backyard’s to our left,” she told him. “It’s less exposed than the front. Should be more secure too ‘cause of the fence, but I think I left the gate open so might be some walkers there. House should be clear, though. I made sure it was pretty secure before...” She swallowed hard. “Before I left. Just, um… Just watch your step in the yard, alright?”

Without giving him a chance to respond, Ava dashed from the trees and pressed her back against the wall of the house, knife in hand. Not her first rodeo, he realized. He quickly moved to join her, staying behind her as promised even as she started to creep along the wall. She slowed as she approached the corner where the wall ended and placed her hand back behind her to tell him to stop.

He watched her peep round the corner into the backyard, her movements well practiced and easy. Without taking her eyes off the yard, she made a couple of quick hand gestures which he immediately recognized and understood to be military – _three enemy. You freeze –_ before pulling her second knife from her waistband and passing it back to him.

He took the knife without hesitating, understanding her silent message – _no guns._ He was pleasantly surprised by the confidence she expressed in her movements, but part of him still felt the urge to follow when she went around the corner alone. He managed to restrain himself to merely taking up her previous position, left to do nothing more but watch as she moved to crouch behind an old folding chair, out of sight of the three walkers shuffling along the grass.

He saw her wait patiently for the furthest two to turn their back to her, then found himself stepping forward as if to follow her when she dashed for the third. Her knife penetrated the base of its skull without hesitation and the barest of sounds, but before the rotten corpse could collapse, she was gripping it by its arm and lowering it to the ground silently. Shane let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding as the other walkers kept up their wandering, unaware.

Crouching low, Ava held up her fist, reminding him to freeze, like she’d sensed his reflexive step in her direction. Her other hand tucked her knife into her belt as she almost crawled part way across the yard, parallel to the walkers and reaching for something he couldn’t quite see. Then she was on the move again, rusted shovel in her hands as she ran right for the closest remaining walker, and Shane’s heart was pounding, whole body tense and ready…

The shovel made a sickening sound as it crashed through the walker’s head, but before its knees had hit the ground Ava was moving onto the final one, knocking it to the grass and almost diving on top of it with her knife drawn. The blade speared straight through its eye, old rotten blood spraying across her clothes. Despite taking a shovel to the temple, her previous target started to move again, and Shane opened his mouth to warn her only to stop dead.

With an efficiency he hadn’t seen in anyone apart from Daryl, Ava rolled over and thrust the knife through the skull of the walker, whose stuttered movements ceased immediately.

“Clear,” she called, pushing herself to her feet.

Shane stood dumbstruck for a moment, then laughed and shook his head in disbelief as he emerged from his hiding spot. “Damn, girl.”

“Probably not the neatest, but…” Ava bent over and pulled her knife from the walker’s brain with a nasty squelch, face slightly red from exertion. “Got the job done.”

“No shit,” Shane muttered, quietly impressed. His eyes swept the yard, only to fall on a patch of recently disturbed earth barely half a meter from where she’d grabbed the shovel. Part of him wondered if that was a stroke of luck or if she’d already known it was there, but before he got a chance to ask, she was speaking again.

“Think that’s all for out here,” she told him, sweeping some of her hair away from her face with the back of her hand. “If there were any out front they’d have come to investigate by now.”

“Want me to get the car?” he offered.

She hesitated a moment, eyes flitting from walker to walker in silent assessment. “No, I’ll get it.” She grabbed the shovel from the ground and looked over to him, expression unreadable. “You mind moving them for me?”

“Sure.” He met her halfway across the yard and took the shovel from her. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she lied with half a smile. She looked antsy, ready to run. Like standing in the yard was torture. “Don’t wanna aggravate my side liftin’ ‘em, is all.”

“Alright,” he acquiesced, then made to head towards the patch of earth that he’d noticed earlier. Ava reached out and grabbed his arm before he could take a full step, expression pained but guarded.

“Not there,” she pleaded quietly. “There’s a pyre round the front. You can burn them there.”

She quickly moved past him, footsteps not so careful or quiet now as she disappeared around the corner before his mouth could form any words. He felt a little redundant, being put on clean-up duty when he could have been helping her, but the request made a lot more sense as soon as he dragged one of the walker corpses past that patch of earth on his way out the yard.

_My brother and I stayed at this house a few miles away. I- I had to move on. Watch your step._

It was a grave, and she’d been the one to put it there.

 “Christ,” he muttered. He understood how that must have felt, burying her brother. He’d felt the same when he’d left Rick in that hospital bed. Like he was ripping himself in two and leaving half to rot.

_No wonder she couldn’t wait to get away._

He’d just managed to get all three walkers added to the charcoaled stack she’d mentioned by the time she returned with the car. She parked it to the side instead of by the door like he’d expected, but he trusted she knew what she was doing. She hopped out the front seat and shut the door behind her, then popped the trunk to grab one of the jerry cans he’d seen her fill up by the highway.

She jogged over to where he was shifting the final body into place, then handed him a box of matches he hadn’t seen her pick up before unscrewing the lid of the can and pouring the gasoline over the walker at the top of the stack.

“Think that’s enough?” she asked. “Don’t think we can spare much more fuel.”

“Should be fine,” he assured her. “Step back.”

He waited for her to move, then lit one of the matches and dropped it on top of the gasoline, setting the walkers aflame instantly. There were a couple of distinguishable skeletons already at the bottom of the pile, charred almost to ash, but he didn’t ask about them. Didn’t think he had the right. Ava stared into the flames for a moment, then turned and silently headed back to the car.

Suddenly unsure of himself, Shane rubbed his hand over his head before following her, stealing a glance towards the backyard as he did so. _Watch your step._ Without a word, he accepted the blanket full of supplies she handed him as he reached the car before lifting one of the large water bottles he’d grabbed from the truck with his other hand.

“There’s a hatch on the second floor,” Ava told him as she grabbed a few more things from the trunk of the Hyundai before slamming it closed. “Leads to an attic. There’s no ladder, but we can get up there if we give each other a boost. No walker will be able to follow so we’ll be safe for the night at least.”

“How’d you find this place?” Shane wondered, noting the way she knew exactly where the windows were at the front of the house, the way she knew which one would open when she slipped her hand through the broken part of the pane to unlatch it.

“My Daddy,” she said eventually. She pushed the window open and climbed through without dropping the items bundled in her arms, quickly scouting for any signs of movement before placing the items down on a table and coming back to take some from him so he could come through too.

Once Shane’s feet were on solid wood, Ava moved to latch the window behind him, giving him a chance to look round unhindered. Blood was spattered in patches on the floor and walls, but the lack of bodies proved his theory about the pyre was correct. She’d cleared the house herself, probably with her brother’s help.

Not that it seemed to have needed much clearing, not with how well boarded up and secure it had been. Every entrance was barricaded from the inside except for the window they’d come through, and as they moved through the house it became clear someone had been living there at one point, if the sleeping bags and empty cans of food were anything to go by.

“He used to stay here with his huntin’ buddies. Y’know, before…” Ava trailed off as she led him upstairs. “Afterwards, Joseph and I came by, found a few of his buddies inside. They’d turned by then, though.”

“And your dad?” Shane found himself asking, the words escaping him before he could stop them.

Ava came to a halt beneath a closed hatch, handing him what was in her arms before reaching for a long pole with an angled end that was resting against the wall.

“He chose to leave us before things got real bad,” she said softly as she busied herself with opening the attic hatch, pushing it up and to one side to give them room to climb up. “He prob’ly woulda done it anyway, even if the dead hadn’t risen. Wasn’t quite the same after the war.”

She took everything back from him except the water bottle and set it to one side before turning to squat against the wall, thighs parallel to the floor.

“C’mon, get that water bottle up and I’ll give you a boost.” She gestured for him to come closer. “Ain’t no point in me goin’ up top, no way will I be able to lift ya.”

“You sure?” Shane hesitated, foot hovering above her thigh.

“Yep.” She grabbed his ankle impatiently. “Unless you want to trust my upper body strength over yours?”

“I ain’t exactly light,” he warned, not comfortable with the thought of hurting her. “I’ll prob’ly break ya.”

“Only ‘cause you’re all muscle.” She smiled at him. “But that’s why I know you won’t let me fall.”

“Alright…” he accepted. “Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.”

Shane braced himself with a boot on her thigh, then pushed himself up and gripped the edge of the hatch with one hand, surprised how easily she supported his weight as he all but threw the water bottle through the hatch. As soon as he started to wobble, she grabbed his knee to steady him, giving him a moment to recover before moving her hands under his foot and pushing it up while he pulled with his arms.

Once he was up, he turned to lie on his front, arms hanging through the hatch to accept their meager supplies as she handed them to him. The stretch must have hurt her, but she didn’t complain, didn’t hesitate to reach up with both hands to grab his forearms so he could haul her up while she used the wall to push with her feet.

“I was wrong about’cha,” he admitted as he rolled over onto his back, chest heaving from exertion while she clambered to her feet like it was nothing.

“Yeah?” She smirked, brushing herself off from the dust she’d picked up from the floor. “How’s that?”

“You ain’t a princess at all,” he told her as he sat up to track her movements with his eyes. “Damn warrior queen.”

She moved through the semi-darkness until she reached a fabric-covered window, ripping it off to let in more light. He saw more than heard her laugh, felt something warm inside him at the thought of cheering her up even slightly.

“You flirtin’ with me, Shane?” she teased, looking at him coyly over her shoulder.

“Why?” He leaned back on his hands, eyebrow raised. “Y’want me to?”

“Hmmm…” She meandered towards him, eyes alight with something he knew his were bright with too. “I usually get a guy to buy me a drink first.”

Shane reached for the bottle of vodka he’d seen her stash amongst their stuff and waggled it in her direction. She snatched it from him with a shake of her head and grabbed their blankets, preparing to make a sleeping area for them.

“You always this smooth with the ladies?” she wondered, tone light. She couldn’t keep a smile off her face, a slight heat in her cheeks even though she knew he wasn’t serious.

“What can I say?” He bit his bottom lip, unashamed. Gaze purposely lewd as it followed the curves of her body. “I got a certain charm about me.”

“Yeah, I’m startin’ to see that,” she joked, hand running through her hair. “Bet’cha get all the ladies, talkin’ that way.”

“Not gonna lie, I get some o’them.” Shane pushed himself to his feet and moved to stand a foot in front of her. “None o’them have been quite like you, though, Miss Ava.”

Ava laughed and closed the distance between them, putting her hands on his chest while her head tipped back slightly so she could meet his gaze. “That right?”

“Mhmm.” Shane nodded, holding back his own laughter. This felt good, this teasing, pushing each other’s limits. Toe to toe yet again, keeping that volley going.

Ava pushed herself up on her tiptoes, lips just millimeters from his, but they both knew she wouldn’t kiss him. Shane let his gaze fall to her mouth, tongue wetting his bottom lip before his teeth bit down on it. Ava swayed ever so slightly towards him, like she was following the movement with her own body, then laughed and retreated back to the safe zone, shaking her head.

“Damn, Shane,” she chuckled. “No wonder Rick’s wi-”

She froze, eyes wide, and Shane’s gut twisted painfully, knowing what she’d been about to say. He cleared his throat and moved away to pick up the water bottle with shaking hands, cursing himself for forgetting who he was, what he’d done, even if it was only for a few seconds.

“I am _so sorry._ That wasn’t what I…” Ava watched as Shane picked up where she’d left off, shaking out the blankets and laying them a firm six feet apart. “ _Fuck.”_

“S’alright,” he muttered, settling himself down before getting to work on opening the water bottle. “Deserved it.”

“No,” she insisted. “That was cruel’a me. I’m-”

He held up a hand, expression dark. “Like I said… deserved it.”

 _Fuckin’ idiot._ He wanted to kick himself for being so stupid, for thinking he could still have this. _She’ll leave you too. She’ll leave you too._

“Shane…” Ava tried, but she could almost see the barricades forming around him, knew that she’d gone way too far even if she hadn’t meant to. Her hand came to cover her mouth and she closed her eyes, like she could somehow take the words back. She wished she could.

“It’s gettin’ late,” Shane grunted. It was barely starting to get dark, but he felt exhausted all of a sudden, right down to his bones.

“I’ll go put out that fire,” Ava said softly. Her body was vibrating, she was so anxious, the magnitude of what she’d done like shockwaves through her core. She needed to get out, get away before she said anything else to hurt him.

Shane scrubbed his hand over his head and sighed. “Don’t be stu-”

“No,” she said, more firmly this time. “Will only take me a second. You get comfy. I’ll be right back.”

Unable to stand the tension, Ava quickly walked over to the hatch and sat down, scooting to the edge before gingerly lowering herself as far as she could and dropping to the floor below.

“Oh, my God,” she breathed. “I am the actual worst.”

Taking barbed wire and ripping his heart out with it probably would have been kinder than what she’d just done. She was the asshole, now, throwing something he clearly was having a hard time with back in his face like that. And for what? A bit of light flirting?

“Fuck,” she hissed, furious with herself. She doubted anyone could ever call a man like Shane fragile - he was too sure of himself, too strong in mind and body – but in that moment he had been, and yet she’d taken that speck of vulnerability and crushed him with clumsy fingers and poorly chosen words anyway.

She was barely aware of herself as she left the house and shoveled dirt onto the pyre to smother the still-smoldering embers. Staying there, in that house… it was like sitting in a graveyard, filled with memories of her father and her brother. But when Shane had turned that charm on, when he’d smiled and teased and toyed with her like that… She’d almost forgot about it all, that spark she’d buried deep down stoked and coaxed into a fire that lit her up from the inside. Then she’d gone and snuffed it out, both for herself and for him. She wasn’t sure which was worse.

“I am the actual worst,” she whispered. She almost wanted to cry, which was fitting. Rejoice for the dead, weep for the living right? But what use was that? It wouldn’t fix what she’d just broken, as tentative and delicate a bond it had been.

Ava Jane – 1.

Chances of a real human connection – 0.

It was getting dark kind of quickly now, so she couldn’t delay going back much longer. That didn’t stop her footsteps from slowing, though, didn’t prevent her from doing an unnecessary sweep of the house to check all the entrances were still barricaded tight.

She trudged up the stairs, not even sure if Shane would want to help her into the attic, but there he was, arms ready and waiting for her. She reached up, savoring the burn as her stitches pulled this time, and if he was rougher with her than the first time he hauled her up, she knew it wasn’t deliberate. Shane didn’t strike her as the kind of person to inflict pain on others in such a passive aggressive way – he would be bold and loud about it like he was the rest of the time.

 _Inflicting it on himself, though?_ Ava watched his face scrunch up as his brow furrowed with the effort of pulling her up. _That was quiet and all-consuming._

The moment Ava’s ass hit the floorboards, Shane pushed himself to his feet and moved over to his designated area like he couldn’t get away fast enough. She didn’t blame him, though she wished he hadn’t done it.

“Downstairs is secure,” she told him, more for something to say than thinking he wanted to know. “Worst case scenario, we can smash that window up there and climb onto the roof. It flattens out near where I parked the car, so we could lower ourselves straight onto it if needed.”

Shane grunted in acknowledgement before sitting down on his blankets, hand running over his scalp in that way that made her want to flinch, it was so harsh.

She was hesitant to approach, lost for words. Nothing she could say would make up for what she’d said, but she wanted to try. “Shane…”

“I knocked her up,” he said quietly. He looked up at her as she took a step forward, eyes filled with such shame and self-loathing that it made her heart ache. Nobody deserved to feel that way. “Rick’s wife? Lori? I got her pregnant.”

Ava lowered herself onto her own blanket, afraid to open her mouth for fear of what would come out.

“I thought he was dead. I really did.” He looked down at his boot covered feet, fingers drumming against his thighs along to a beat only he could hear. “I looked after her. Their boy, too. Like they were my own. Dunno when it turned into something more. If it ever did. For her, at least.”

“Then he came back,” Ava murmured before she could stop herself.

Shane nodded with a half smile, breath huffing out in a bitter laugh. “I felt so guilty, ‘cause I’d left him there, lying in a coma all alone in that hospital. Guilty ‘cause I’d fallen in love with his woman. ‘Cause I’d tried to move on. But I was so glad he was back, y’know? He’s my brother, has been since we were kids. And then I was angry at ‘im too, crazy as that is. Angry ‘cause he took ‘em back. Took ‘em away from me. But he wasn’t the one that did that. That was all her.”

“She cut you out,” Ava realized, and damn if that wasn’t the cruelest thing she’d ever heard. How could anyone do that to another person?

“Yeah.” Shane sighed, world-weary and sad. “They were never mine. Shoulda known that.”

“You loved ‘em,” Ava said softly. “Like they were your own. You said that yourself.”

“Yeah, but, see… I couldn’t let ‘em go. Let _her_ go.” He gritted his teeth. “We used to be a good team, Rick an’ I, but things changed. I changed. He’s not meant for this world, darlin’. Too much light in ‘im. Cares too much. He couldn’t see… couldn’t…”

His words made more sense now. _I thought you weren’t the good guy any more, ain’t that what you said?_ _You come back here, and you just destroy everything!_

“He couldn’t let go of how things used to be,” she supplied. “Too busy clinging to hope that things could go back to the way they were, never realizing that ain’t gonna happen.”

Shane nodded.

“My brother was like that,” she continued. “Always thinking the best. Not like my Daddy - he only saw the worst. Because he’d lived the worst.”

 _Just like you_ went unspoken.

“I’ve done some terrible shit,” Shane muttered. “I know that. But I ain’t a monster. Not like… not like…”

“She made you feel,” Ava finished for him.

Pain flashed across his face, and she could’ve sworn his eyes glistened as he looked up to the ceiling.

“I just wanted to keep ‘em safe.” It was barely a whisper, resigned and haunted.

“You did,” Ava said softly. She ached to reached out for him, but it wasn’t her place. She was a stranger to him and had no right to pretend otherwise. “You kept them alive.”

“Did I?” Shane looked at her then, eyes seeking some kind of absolution she didn’t have the power to give. “Or did I just cause problems for ‘em?”

“I can’t answer that.” _I wish I could._ “But whatever you’ve done? Whoever you killed?” He flinched. “You did it to protect them. Because you thought it was the only way. I know that much.”

“I ain’t so sure of that anymore,” he mumbled, more to himself than her.

“I was part of a group, once,” Ava told him. “This was before I realized gro- _walkers_ ain’t turned from a scratch. Two of the men in our camp got injured takin’ out a herd, and I knew they’d got scratched not bit. But I took ‘em to the woods and I shot ‘em. Because I didn’t want anyone else to get infected.”

Shane looked up at her, but his face held no judgement. Only understanding.

“They had wives. Children. But I couldn’t risk it. Not for anything.” Ava laid down on top of her blankets and pulled one over herself in a pathetic attempt at self-comfort. “Didn’t find out ‘til Joseph crawled outta that grave that we’re all walkers waiting to hatch.”

“What you mean?”

“Didn’t you know?” Ava sighed sadly. “We all turn when we die. Bite or not. Unless we got brain damage first, that is. Joseph… he died from an asthma attack. Of all things. Didn’t think to- to take care of the brain part until it was too late.”

Shane thought back to the crack of Randall’s neck as it snapped, wondered if he’d reanimated too. _Another walker, created by his own hands._

“My Daddy prob’ly had the right idea when he checked out,” Ava breathed into the silence. “Told me _‘rejoice for the dead, weep for the living’._ I didn’t get that at first.”

Shane knew without her even having to say it that she understood it now. Same way he did. The dead were gone; they were put to rest. Otis, Amy, Sophia, Jim, hell even Ed Peletier was at peace now. It was the ones still struggling to make it, still surviving day to day that should be pitied. People like her. Like him. It was why he’d wanted to remove himself from the equation, to push Rick into putting him out of his misery and teach him one final lesson in the process. Things had to change if that family – Shane’s family - was going to survive, and Rick couldn’t let anything, not even his best friend, get in the way of that.

Maybe leaving Shane behind had been Rick’s way of telling him he’d got the message, that that lesson had finally been learned.

“Goodnight, Shane.”

Shane laid on his back with one arm over his head and stared up at the wooden beams that framed the attic. Listened to Ava shuffle in an attempt to get comfortable before she finally settled.

He waited until her breathing evened out, until the vice crushing his chest eased and the voices had nothing more to fill the void with.

“Goodnight.”


	5. Perfect Ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time jump with that one, but it's how we're gonna get to the good stuff so hold on tight ;-) xx

_When I was sixteen my senses fooled me. Thought gasoline was on my clothes._

_I knew that something would always rule me._

_I knew that scent was mine alone._

“Joseph… No… Joseph, please… Y’gotta breathe for me…”

Shane wanted to press his hands over his ears, knowing what came next. It was always the same.

“No… Oh, no…”

Hearing her whimper like that haunted him worse than any nightmare ever had, even those flashes of Otis, of Sophia… nothing could compare to the desperate, heartbroken moans that had been escaping her lips each night they’d stayed in that attic. They’d grabbed more food and water than they’d first appreciated and had found some more in one of the lower rooms so they’d decided to stay put for longer than anticipated. The extra weeks had given her enough of a reprieve to recover, but time was turning into more of a curse than a blessing with every night that passed.

She was staring to thrash now, and he knew it was coming, knew the exact moment when the brother in her nightmare would take his last breath, but her cry of anguish still made him close his eyes and curl his hands into fists.

“Joseph, no!”

Shane threw the blankets off his body and crossed over to where Ava was tossing and turning, face screwed up in agony as the worst moment of her life replayed over and over again… He couldn’t do it, not again. Couldn’t lie there and do nothing. Boundaries be damned.

“Ava,” he pleaded, hands hovering over her but too frightened to touch.

She let out another cry, almost a scream, back arching so violently he’d be worried she’d tear her stitches again if the wound hadn’t already scarred over.

“Ava… Darlin’, you gotta wake up now…”

“No… _please…_ ”

_Fuck it._

“AVA!”

She shot bolt upright, arms flailing, but Shane was ready for her, not hesitating to catch her wrists and bring her to his chest, words spilling from his lips as he tried to calm her down.

“Shh, shh, shh… You’re okay. It’s okay… I got’cha… You’re alright, girl... You’re alright.”

“ _Oh…”_ She sounded so small, so frightened… He wrapped his arms around her and let one hand thread through her hair as he rocked her from side to side, little motions that he didn’t even notice he was making in his desperation to soothe her.

“I got’cha… You’re okay… I’m here. I got’cha, darlin’… I got’cha.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered brokenly, fingers curling into his shirt at his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, hey…” He pushed her hair back from her face and leaned back just far enough to make eye contact with her. “Look at me.”

She did so, and what he saw made his chest tighten painfully.

“You got nothin’ to be sorry for,” he promised. “It wasn’t your fault. I was already awake.”

_It was my fault. I should’ve known better._

“Fuck,” she whimpered. Shane absently pressed a kiss to her hair, held her closer.

Ava shuddered against him, face turning in towards his chest as she allowed herself to breathe him in, find solace in something real and present in the moment, not warped by memory.

“I can’t stay here anymore,” she confessed after a beat. “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

“I know,” he murmured. “We were only meant’a be stayin’ a night or two at most anyways. We’ll head out at first light.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll go on my own,” she forced herself to say, but the way she gripped his shirt even tighter told him what she really needed. “You can stay here – it’s safe. I just… I can take the tent or something if you don’t mind. Car’s not mine anyway so-”

“I ain’t stayin’ if you’re leavin’,” he told her. “I already told ya – we’re partners, now. Ain’t slippin’ me that easy.”

Ava nodded and closed her eyes, leaning against him with a bit more weight and trusting him to hold her up.

They’d formed a special kind of partnership in the weeks – _Christ, had it only been weeks? –_ that they’d been cooped up together, spending their days talking about everything and nothing, like two friends at a slumber party instead of two strangers hiding from the apocalypse. She’d kept her distance though, physically and mentally, so he had as well, even when he ached to sweep errant strands of hair from her face, to touch her arm when she made him laugh harder than anyone had in a long time. Their lines had silently been drawn, but that didn’t mean he wanted to stay within them.

She was beautiful, all running-toned legs and gorgeous curves under those ill-fitting clothes, revealing themselves in the oddest of moments. They’d returned to the creek she’d mentioned before several times to wash up and clean day old sweat and grime from their skin the best they could. He wasn’t blind. Wasn’t a saint either. He’d watched her bathe in the cold water, strip down to her underwear like she didn’t mind he was right there with her. Maybe she didn’t care. But he did.

His body throbbed, hungry in a way he couldn’t explain, and sometimes when she’d look at him he couldn’t help but wonder if hers did too, if she felt the same magnetic pull he did when he’d taken out her stitches and his fingertips had lingered on her hips for the barest of moments because he couldn’t stand the thought of no longer touching her skin. Sometimes her eyes told him _yes please, more_ , but other times it was like she’d shut it down before it could take hold, invisible barriers slamming down like a protective cage that screamed _fragile, handle with care_.

It wasn’t like it was with Lori, or even Andrea. There was _something_ between them, a deeper understanding of each other like they were cut from the same cloth and saw the world through the same lens, but they left it unspoken, a silent prayer that hung in the air with every light-hearted conversation and every foiled touch. They didn’t need to talk to communicate, but they spoke to each other for hours anyway. Her gentle voice was the only one he heard anymore.

He’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t be the one to cross that line, wouldn’t let himself break yet another good thing because his dick – _his heart_ – was too insistent to be ignored. He needed her there even if he’d never tell her so, because she held him steady, tipped the scales back to neutral and stopped him from falling down the rabbit hole labelled ‘ _Don’t Enter: Fucked Inside_ ’. He could think clearly for the first time in what felt like forever, and even though he wished it was a simple case of distance from the things – the _people_ – that had driven him into oblivion in the first place, he knew deep down that it was having _someone_ that saved him from the clutches of whatever insanity had been dragging him down before.

Someone who listened. Someone who was on his side. Who challenged him, not with the aim of dominating but to open a discussion. Who wasn’t afraid to call him out on things, or to let him do the same right back. Someone who understood this new world and didn’t hide from its darkness, but chose to forge their own path instead. Chose to be their own light, and had the kindness to shine it in his direction no matter how little he’d done to earn it.

She didn’t speak much more about her past, about her father or her brother, but her love for them was present in every sad expression, every distant stare, every time that light dimmed only to spark back up again when he joked about eating cereal for lunch or how Christmas shopping would be stress free this year. It was there when they hunted together, in the way she moved like it was second nature to be catching squirrels or rabbits for them to cook by the pyre and share like old friends breaking bread together.

But she didn’t let it cripple her, not like he had. So he learned from her and followed her lead, taught himself how to navigate the feelings he couldn’t shake off and use them to his advantage instead of succumbing to them. They’d always be inside of him. That devastating fear of loneliness and the raging fire against the world would never leave. It was in his bones, always would be, but he could carry the weight a little easier now. Could see shadows of the Shane from _before_ cast themselves in her light, filling the cracks that had formed in his psyche with the guy who‘d once joked about lightbulbs with his best friend in the front of a police cruiser, only to run headfirst into a woman who proved him wrong, who knew lightswitches went both ways but chose to leave hers on anyway.

“Scoot over,” he said quietly.

Ava raised her head from his chest and blinked up at him owlishly, then did as he’d asked, hands lingering near him like she was scared her only life-raft would float away.

Without giving himself time to regret or overthink it, Shane slid between the blankets into the space she’d left behind and laid on his back, arms open and ready for her to fall into. She let out a shaky breath that was almost a sob and pushed herself against him as close as she could, almost as if she’d been waiting for permission. Her warm body pressed against his from calf to shoulder while her head rested on his chest, one leg sliding over his and scorching him through the layers of fabric that separated them. Her hair tickled his chin, but he didn’t mind, just let his arms curl round her and his hands wander over her back, her arm, her hair, soaking up what he could while he still had the chance.

“Thank you.”

“You’re alright,” he whispered. “Just go back to sleep. I got’cha.”

So she did. And he held her just as tightly as she was holding him even in her sleep. Couldn’t and wouldn’t let her go for anything, because he knew this was the peak of the hill, the most he could allow himself… the only way was down from here, right? He’d let himself cross his own carefully drawn line, shoved himself over it, and he had no idea how to come back to safety. So now he was stranded, because he knew her line wouldn’t budge. It wouldn’t give like his had.

Until it did.

It was so subtle at first that he’d both thought too much and too little about it. A stray hand here, a lingering glance there. A secret smile and a flush on her cheeks she couldn’t quite hide. Sometimes he’d reciprocate, sweep her hair from her face or place his hand on the small of her back. Other times he’d have to exercise a restraint he hadn’t even known he possessed to stop himself. They orbited each other like the earth did the sun, only to come together fleetingly when he least expected it, like they were testing to see if they’d eclipse each other or burn even brighter. He wasn’t sure which result he wanted most, but wished more than anything to find out.

Now was one of those times, hiding from a herd of walkers in a house so bare he was hard pressed to even call it a shack. They were shoulder to shoulder, flush against the rear wall of the house next to the door, one of his hands on the doorknob while she clutched the other tightly in hers, fingers threading through his and squeezing tightly.

They’d been bouncing from refuge to refuge, door to door, stocking up when they could to get them through the days and nights they couldn’t move or even breathe for fear of drawing in walkers from outside. Nowhere had been as secure as that first safe-house, but neither of them dared to suggest they returned, not with how awful it had been for her. Even though they’d never spoken of that last night again, he knew it played on her mind, just like it played on his.

He'd rather get eaten alive by walkers than force her to relive that.

“Shane…” His name was barely a whisper, but it hit him like a scream. She was frightened, which was rare these days. He’d quickly learned she was tough as nails, but had a vulnerable core she let only him see, so he knew her fear wouldn’t stop her from taking whatever actions they’d need to take to get out of there alive. Terror didn’t shut her down – it woke her up. But in that moment, with her fingers gripping his, that fear still punched its way to the surface.

“You run to the car,” he breathed. “Do not stop. Just like we practiced.”

Ava pressed her lips to his shoulder just once, and he let his eyes fall shut, soaking it in. He’d get her out of there, no matter what the price.

“Ready,” she whispered.

He squeezed her hand one last time, then opened the door.

He’d once told Andrea that adrenaline didn’t slow things down, that it sped them up, would cripple a person if they let it. But for once in his life, he wished that wasn’t the case, that it would buy him a few more precious seconds because the walkers were everywhere, swarming the grounds of the house in a volume that he hadn’t seen in a long time. Ava was quick on her feet, dashing through the herd before him and heading straight for the Hyundai she’d once hated and accused of being a Mom car. That green piece of shit had seen them through a lot, got them out of many a tricky situation, and he prayed it wouldn’t let them down now.

The sound of Ava revving the engine drew some of the walkers’ attention, but the ones closest to the house turned in Shane’s direction, drawn to the living breathing flesh mere meters from them. Shane’s gun was drawn and ready without him having to consciously go for it, firing round after round into the heads of the worst threats and creating a barrier of fallen corpses in a circle around him. One got a little too close for comfort, rotten flesh oozing where it tried to grab him, but he didn’t hesitate to fire through its skull as well, covering himself in its dead brain matter without a care.

Loud thuds caught his attention, and Shane couldn’t help but grin as Ava plowed through the group of walkers surrounding the car, scattering their remains like chunky confetti on her warpath right towards him. She spun the car violently, skidding to a crunchy stop with the passenger door open and ready for him to jump right in.

He was in the passenger seat before he realized it, the door slamming shut behind him as Ava accelerated hard, tyres spinning in the mud as they sped away from the house without looking back.

They got several miles away, narrowly avoiding the other half of that same herd before pulling over at the side of the road. The moment the car stopped, Ava unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to face Shane, hands reaching for him with an urgency he hadn’t seen coming.

“Are you okay?” She checked every inch of skin she could see for any sign of injury, hands trembling but firm as they pushed up the hem of his shirt to expose his abs.

“Ava…” He reached for her hands, but she batted him away, resorting to unbuttoning his shirt to get better access to his skin. “AVA!”

“What?!” she snapped, eyes furious as they met his.

“I’m okay,” he assured her. He took hold of her fingers and allowed himself to lift them to his lips, kissing her bruised knuckles. “Ain’t got a scratch on me.”

“You’re sure?” She bit her bottom lip, worried brow easing slightly.

“I wouldn’t lie to you. Not about that,” he swore.

Ava’s breath escaped her in a rush as she collapsed back into her seat, her hands coming up to run through her hair.

“Fuck.”

She climbed out of the car and walked to stand in front of the hood, too caged within the vehicle’s confines, too rattled to think straight. She braced herself on the hot metal, and Shane saw her shoulders shaking as her head bowed, hair falling in a wave of auburn to cover her face. _Was she crying?_

He didn’t hesitate to climb out the car after her, gaze scanning the surrounding area as always before settling on her. “Ava?”

She shook her head, the trembling in her shoulders getting worse, and it took Shane a moment to realize what was going on. She was _laughing_.

“That was fucking close.” She turned to look at him, only to laugh even harder at his stunned expression.

“Girl, what’chu on?” He couldn’t stop his lips from curving into a half smile, eyebrow raised. “Y’must be crazier than I am.”

“Not possible.” Ava’s eyes sparkled with mirth as she almost danced towards him, hands sweeping up his chest to land on his shoulders. “But that? That was almost… fun?” She looked shocked to be saying it. “I mean, not that we should make a habit of that, not even slightly, but… I feel like I could do anything I wanted right now.”

“That’s the adrenaline,” he found himself saying, his mind flashing to a time long ago, when he and Andrea had had a similar near death experience. He sobered up immediately, bringing his own hands up to grasp her hips and hold her there, stop her coming any closer. “It’ll pass. Don’t let it fool ya.”

Ava’s eyes stole a glance at his mouth, tongue teasing her own bottom lip. Shane felt that stirring of fire in his stomach, mirroring the movement without even knowing. And then she blinked, her gaze finally locked back on his.

“Don’t worry,” she whispered, hands slowly making their way back down his chest to fall to her sides. “I know where the line is.”

Shane felt his expression soften, found himself wishing she’d say screw the line, that she’d jump right across it to where he was ready and waiting. But she didn’t. So he didn’t.

“Where shall we go now?” she said instead. She took a few steps back and leaned against the hood again. “We’re starting to run out of options, and I don’t know if I can stand spending a winter’s night in that tent again.”

She tilted her head back, hair falling in waves down her back. It had grown long, almost sweeping her waist when her head was angled like that… Shane cleared his throat, trigger finger fluttering. “We could always try going back to that cabin? Near the old prison?”

Ava’s brows shot up as she turned to face him. “The same cabin we both saw get over-run by that herd? I thought we already ruled that out a month ago?”

“I know,” he conceded. Ran his hand over his head. “But we’ve got enough gas to at least give it a try, right? The herd might’ve moved on by now.”

Ava turned away, gaze cast over the road and trees. Always aware, just like he was. It was a risky idea, to attempt going back there again. The night they’d tried to get there the first time had been the closest she’d ever come to losing him. The walkers had seemed to come from nowhere, surrounding them before they even knew what was happening, and as they’d run for their lives Shane had twisted his ankle, aggravating an old sprain.

They’d barely got to the Hyundai in time.

“You know I’d never knowin’ly do something to risk your safety, right?”

Ava closed her eyes, cursed and thanked the heavens as Shane moved in front of her and took her face in his hands. His thumbs stroked across her cheeks, urging her to look at him as he bent over slightly so their faces were level. She reached out to grasp his waist and opened her eyes, skin ablaze at every point of contact between them.

“If I thought, for one second, that goin’ to that house was gonna put you in danger…” His eyes were so earnest, so kind… She nodded, surrendering control to him for once. He never forced his hand, always let himself be open to her suggestions even when she knew he disagreed, and she owed it to him to at least try.

“Alright, then. It’s settled.” Shane smiled at her, and Ava couldn’t stop the flash of memories cycling through her brain.

_“Get to the car. Get safe!”_

“I got one condition,” she told him. Her ass warmed against the hot metal of the hood as she pressed back against it, legs parting as she gently pulled at his waist. “You can’t do that to me again.”

_“Ava, you gotta turn and run, okay? I can distract ‘em, you-”_

_“Shane, I’m not leaving you to fend for yourself!”_

_“For Christ’s sake, Princess, just go!”_

_“No, Shane! I’m not gonna just…”_

“Ava…” He let himself be guided into the space between her legs, hands falling to her hips like he was going to make some kind of effort to resist. They both knew he wouldn’t.

“I mean it.” They were almost flush against each other now, the two-inch height difference between them made up for with the way she angled her head up, how he leaned forward towards her.

Their foreheads pressed together, and Ava tilted her head, noses brushing together. “Promise me.”

Shane’s eyes closed and a grimace flickered its way across his face. His name ghosted across his lips, barely audible as it left her mouth. He opened his eyes but couldn’t meet her gaze, settling on her mouth instead.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” she murmured.

“I ain’t gon’ lie to you.” Shane’s lips grazed her cheek on their way to her ear. “Please don’t ask me to.”

Ava’s hands clenched against his waist as he started to pull away, not wanting to let him go just yet. He broke her hold with ease, and she felt the loss of warmth immediately.

His hands settled onto her shoulders, mouth set in a firm line. “You comin’ or not?”

“ _I ain’t stayin’ if you’re leavin’_ ,” she echoed his own worlds back to him. “You know that.”

He nodded. Squeezed her shoulders once. “I’ll drive.”

And then he was gone, the slam of the door signalling he was back in the car.

Ava took a moment to collect herself before moving round to the passenger side and climbing in, fastening her seatbelt since she knew he wouldn’t so much as put the car in drive until he knew she was buckled in.

“Hey,” Shane said softly. His hand reached for hers, and she forced her stiff fingers to curl around it even as nausea rose up in her throat. “It’s gonna be okay.”

_Was it, though?_

Ava pulled her hand away and wrapped her arms around herself, head falling to rest against the window as Shane started the engine.

_Or was this how she'd lose him for good?_


	6. On A Leash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's for my bestie, because she inspires me to keep going even when neither of us has slept and are in serious need of a caffeine IV! Love you, girl! xx

_This is as good a place to fall as any._

_We’ll build our altar here._

_Make me your Maria._

_I’m already on my knees._

“How’d you wanna do this?”

Ava chewed on her bottom lip, flipping her knife over and over in her hands.

“How many rounds we got?”

“Maybe a couple dozen.”

Ava nodded. Caught the knife by the hilt without taking her eyes off the scene in front of them, working everything over in her head. The herd had indeed moved on from the cabin, but there were over a dozen walkers still staggering around the immediate area that they’d need to neutralize before they could even breech the front door. It was clear that the metal fencing marking the perimeter of the property had once kept the cabin secure, but several panels were down along the front line, and that’s what had allowed the walkers to get through. The only reason this particular group hadn’t moved on with the rest was that they were too stupid by their very nature to exit through the same fallen section that had let them in in the first place.

Shane was confident he’d be able to restore the fencing if given the chance, unperturbed by the volume of walkers that stood between him and that goal. Ava understood his desire to make it to that front door. The cabin was isolated enough that they’d be hidden from prying eyes, both walker and human, and its roof was intact, offering them the shelter they’d need to survive the rest of the winter. It was sheer luck they’d found it to begin with – they’d originally wanted to investigate an old prison Ava had remembered from one of her college assignments, but had quickly realized it was completely over-run so went looking for somewhere else instead and stumbled across this place.

Now that most of the herd had moved on, Shane seemed to be taking their discovery as a sign from a God he no longer believed in that this was where they were meant to settle for a while, their one piece of good karma after months of struggling to make it day to day. Ava couldn’t deny him that, but that didn’t mean she had to turn a blind eye to how horribly this could go wrong.

It wouldn’t be easy, but was anything in this world ever simple anymore? They could bring the car to the property line, use the length of it to block the fallen panels and restrict the flow of walkers if they tried to escape. The chain-link fence that remained standing had big enough gaps for her knife to stab through, but drawing too many in at once ran the risk of their weight taking down those very same panels and crushing her beneath them. They’d have to take them down one by one, hand to hand.

“We block the exit first,” she said softly. “Right side of the car facing them, so we don’t risk getting blocked from the driver’s seat if things go south.”

Shane smirked, elbow resting on the door of the car and knuckles pressed against his cheek as he listened to her go over their plan of attack. She was as smart as she was beautiful, ideas lining up with his own just like he knew they would. It was what made them such a great team, always bouncing off each other and reading from the same strategy book even when they were on different pages.

“If I can get out before they reach the door I should be able to take a few down, maybe stop them formin’ a total swarm?”

Shane’s brow furrowed, head shaking in protest. “You wan’ me to stay in the car while you get swallowed up by walkers? No. No way.”

“I’m better with a knife than you are,” she pointed out. “I’ve done it before – you watched me tackle that group by the creek last week. I can handle it.”

“Ava, I’m not comfortable jus’ lettin’ you go out alone like that.”

“I won’t _be_ alone for long.” She smiled at him. “You’ll have my back, won’cha?”

Shane pulled back the slide of his Glock to let a round click into the chamber. “Always.”

Considering how many things could have gone wrong before they’d even reached the property line, Ava was surprised they managed to skid to a stop in front of the fencing before any of the walkers realized what was going on. The ones closest to the fence started to stagger towards the car, drawn in by the sound like she’d expected, but those few extra seconds where the other walkers remained unaware were ones she was grateful for, as they gave her a chance to get out the car and get ahead of the rush before the numbers got too overwhelming.

She took down the closest two with relative ease, knife spearing them right under their chins, but the third and fourth came at her in quick succession and she barely managed to dodge their advances before taking them down too. She dashed to her left, aware Shane had climbed over the hood of the car to join the fray, taking down five and six with deadly efficiency, but didn’t have time to react before more walkers started stalking towards them both.

Chest heaving and lungs working overtime, Ava went on the offensive, losing track of how many walkers she’d neutralized but aware more were constantly coming. Their fluids were splattered across her skin, but she hardly noticed, too busy focusing on the _slash-spear-thrusts_ that were making her arms burn and the presence of another walker coming at her from the right.

She cried out in shock as the newcomer collided with the body of her latest victim, the unexpected weight toppling her onto her back. Pain shot through her ribs, her breath knocked out her lungs on impact. The walker’s decomposing jaws snapped inches from her face, obstructed only by the body crushed between them. Her right arm was pinned, the knife she’d been holding still lodged in her previous target’s skull, and her left hand could barely stretch far enough to push the walker’s face away.

It wouldn’t take much for it to overpower her, not with the way it was writhing on top of her, all flailing limbs and desperate groans. She couldn’t think, couldn’t shout, couldn’t do anything except push its head away and try to wriggle out from under the corpses that pinned her.

Blood and decaying flesh sprayed in front of her face and neck before her brain even registered the sound of Shane’s handgun firing. The weight of the suddenly dispatched walker fell to the side moments later and finally, _finally,_ she could breathe again.

“Ava?”

Her head turned in the direction of Shane’s voice just in time to see him finish off the last remaining walker with a knife through the eye. Before its body had even hit the ground, he was running towards her with a wild look in his eyes and hauling her out from under the weight that still pinned her.

She was in his arms as soon as she was on her feet, not caring about the state of their clothes or the squelch where their bodies met. She was shaking hard, her body’s reaction to the adrenaline the polar opposite of its earlier one. Shane was trembling too, and he knew his grip on her waist and hair must have been painful but couldn’t bring himself to care.

A groan sounded from behind Ava, but Shane’s gun was drawn, fired, and a body was hitting the ground just seconds later.

“Did that walker…?”

It took Ava several seconds to respond. “No. No, I’m okay.”

“Christ, Ava… I thought…”

“Yeah.” Ava pulled away from his embrace and took a step back, tearful eyes fixed to the ground. “Me too.”

She bent down and yanked her knife from the walker’s brain with trembling fingers, then surveyed the utter carnage of the previous few minutes, using the chaos as a chance to regroup.

“We did it.” It came out like a question, disbelief lacing every word.

Shane shifted behind her, went to run a filthy hand through his hair before catching himself and grimacing as he wiped it on his shirt instead. “Still gotta check inside first, but… Yeah.”

“I know we still prob’ly wouldn’t make it through that prison yard in one piece, but damn…” Ava let out a low whistle, followed Shane’s lead as he approached the front of the cabin. “That was somethin’.”

“Told ya we’d make it.” He kicked open the front door, gun raised and ready. “And there you were, doubtin’ me.”

Ava went in ahead of him, listening for any signs of life before heading up the stairs. Shane’s footsteps carried down the hallway below her as he checked the rooms on the ground floor. It was a routine they’d perfected pretty quickly, and it worked every time.

Happy the first bedroom was empty save for the furniture, she moved further down the hall, quickly clearing the bathroom and second bedroom too. Nobody had been here for a while, if the dust was anything to go by, but there were some clothes left in the closets and toiletries in the bathroom along with a bunch of toilet paper and Ava started to wonder if maybe finding the place had been an act of God after all.

“It was a stupid ass risk,” she called as she headed back down the stairs. She could hear Shane moving in one of the back rooms and closed the front door on her way towards him.

“Paid off though, didn’t it?”

She followed his voice through the archway that led into what was clearly a kitchen, surprised to find it hadn’t already been raided for the cans stacked in the cupboards Shane had opened on his way through.

“Talk about hitting the jackpot,” she commented.

“Just wait ‘til you see this.”

Ava headed for the back door and walked round to where Shane was standing with his hands on his hips and a smirk on his face. Her eyes widened as her hand reached out to grip his forearm in silent question.

“That’s a propane system,” Shane confirmed what she’d been hoping. “Think there’s a water tank too.”

“No way they’ve still got juice.” Ava’s fingers dug into his skin as she used him to ground herself. “There’s no way.”

“Only one way to find out.” Shane looked at her, then, lips shifting into a small smile. “I ain’t no expert, but starin’ at it ain’t gon’ do nothing.”

Ava nodded. “I’ll start moving the bodies. Try’n clear us a path.”

It took her a lot longer than she expected, but she eventually managed to pile the walkers up into a makeshift barrier across the gap in the fence. She’d decided to park the Hyundai inside the perimeter for now, using it to hold up the fallen panels as a temporary measure until they figured out a way to re-secure them to the others.

_Sixteen walkers._ She couldn’t believe they’d managed it, but somehow… by some miracle or dumb luck or whatever they wanted to call it… _Sixteen walkers_ and now the cabin was theirs _._

“Ava! Get your ass inside, girl – I need you to test the electrics for me.”

Ava didn’t need to be told twice.

She all but ran through the front door and into the kitchen, fumbling for the light switch. It took a moment, but the single bulb flickered to life and Ava let out a sound she didn’t even know she was capable of making. Shane closed the back door behind him and came to stand beside her, smiling proudly. Ava flicked off the switch again before turning to face him, not wanting to waste whatever power they had.

_Never met a woman who knew how to turn off a light._

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Shane muttered. Ava beamed up at him, brighter than that bulb could ever be, then gasped, hands covering her mouth as a thought popped into her head.

“Oh, my God…”

She turned on her heel and dashed down the hallway. Shane rushed to follow her, footsteps thundering up the stairs seconds later.

“Ava?”

“Oh, please… Oh, please…”

He found her in the second room along the hall, fumbling with something on the bathroom wall. Just seconds later, water sputtered out from the showerhead until the beautiful sound of flowing water was filling the room.

Ava didn’t hesitate. She immediately toed off her boots and fumbled with the zipper of her jeans, shoving them to her feet before stepping out of them and pulling her gore-covered shirt over her head, still buttoned. She climbed into the bathtub and stepped beneath the spray, letting out the most joyous sound Shane had ever heard.

Water ran in rivulets over her skin, leaving grey and red streaks as it washed away the horrors of the day. Shane froze, mouth suddenly dry as his eyes roamed every exposed curve of her body.

_God damn._ Wasn’t she just the most beautiful thing he ever saw?

“Shane, what’re you waitin’ for?” She sounded like an excited kid on Christmas morning. “Get in here!”

When he didn’t move, Ava rolled her eyes and reluctantly climbed back out the tub, reaching for the buttons on his shirt and undoing them one by one.

“Come _on_!”

Shane’s fingers were slow to join hers in their quest to strip him down, but eventually fumbled to undo his belt while she pushed his shirt down over his shoulders. Between the two of them, he was left bare in no time, and Ava didn’t hesitate to reach behind her back in order to undo her bra. She let it fall to the floor, joined quickly by her underwear.

She held his hand as she climbed back into the bathtub, marveling at the temperature and pulling him in behind her. She knew they couldn’t really afford to waste any more time, so made quick work of pouring some shower gel into her palms and lathering herself up. The feel of the bubbles sloughing away the gore and grime was heavenly, but when Shane reached past her for the bottle of shampoo and started to massage it into her scalp, _Heaven_ reached a whole new level.

His slippery fingers guided her to turn towards him, and she let him tilt her head back so he could wash away the suds from her hair. She let her hands grasp his hips for stability and tried not to let the feel of his skin distract her, but it just heightened everything instead. Something inside her coiled tight as warmth seeping through every part of her. She bit back a moan, trying to focus on the bliss of the water instead.

When he was satisfied no trace of the shampoo remained, Shane reached for the bottle of conditioner, only to have her fingers wrap around his wrist before he could grasp it.

“I got it,” she murmured, not sure if she’d be able to bear it if he did that, too. “Your turn now.”

His body’s reaction to the brush of her chest against his as they switched places was immediate and intense, and he had to turn his back on her in order to hide it. He busied himself with cleaning the grime off his skin, trying to block out the little sounds of pleasure coming from Ava’s lips as she worked conditioner through her hair for the first time in months.

He poured a little shampoo into his palms and scrubbed it in his hair. It still hadn’t fully grown out from when he’d buzzed it off, but it felt good to run his fingers through it anyway. The feel of her hands on his back made his head drop forward, his mouth falling open in a soft groan as her fingertips started to work the shower gel into the places his clumsy ones hadn’t been able to.

Once he was clean, Ava pressed herself against his back, arms sliding around his bare waist as her lips came to rest between his shoulder blades, right over his spine. He used his right hand to brace himself against the tiled wall, but let his left settle on top of hers while the water rained down from above.

Shane counted to three. Then to ten. Twenty.

They silently traded places again so she could rinse out the conditioner from her hair, then reluctantly climbed out of the tub and turned off the water. If she noticed his body’s reaction to her when she turned to hand him a towel, she had the kindness not to comment. And if his eyes wandered just one more time before her body was hidden from him once again… well, that was between him and the big guy upstairs.

Ava hadn’t had the foresight to bring their sets of spare clothes upstairs during her unpacking spree, but Shane was able to find a suitable pair of pants and a plain t-shirt in one of the closets that would suffice for now. He dried his hair roughly with the towel and hung it over the back of a chair to air, then headed back out into the hallway. He slowed to a stop by the door to the other bedroom, unsure if he should wait for her or not.

He knocked twice, then slowly pushed the door open.

She was sat on the bed in a yellow sundress, staring at the dim light above her. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but her expression wasn’t one of sadness or pain. And he got it. Fuck, did he get it.

“Ava?”

“All this time,” she whispered. “It’s like we were stumblin’ in the dark, with no way out. Just… survivin’.”

Shane took a careful step towards her. Then another.

“I never thought…”

He sat on the bed beside her. Took her hand in his.

When she turned to face him, it felt like she was able to see clearly for the first time.

He’d come so far. She’d watched him flourish before her while he gathered up the broken shards of himself and pieced them back together in a way she’d wished her father had been able to. The pieces may not have been in the same order they were before, but they worked, and that was all that mattered.

She hadn’t expected those same pieces to slot so perfectly into hers, hadn’t allowed herself to dare to think more than a day ahead, to imagine how good things could be because they couldn’t afford to let themselves try… but she could see it now. Plain as day. No more denying it.

They had a real chance of _living_ here, with all that came with it.

“Coming here… it’s like watchin’ the sun rise, just when I thought it’d set for good.”

She kissed him, then. The gentlest touch of lips. Over before it’d really begun.

“Thank you.”

“You ain’t gotta thank me,” he whispered. His voice sounded wrecked to his own ears. “Not for anything.”

“I know.” She squeezed his hand tightly once before getting to her feet. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and picked up her towel, used it to squeeze a few more droplets from the ends of her hair.  “That’s why I wanted to.”

She smiled at him almost shyly and turned off the light as she left.

Shane closed his eyes. His fingertips pressed against his lips in a feeble attempt to replicate the feel of her mouth on his, though he knew it wouldn’t match it. Nothing could.

He let out a heavy sigh and ran his hand through his damp hair, then pushed himself to his feet and headed back downstairs. She was standing in the kitchen, braiding her hair in front of one of the cupboards as she took stock of what they’d been blessed with.

“We can make this last for weeks, if we’re careful.”

His mouth didn’t want to work right and he couldn’t bring himself to cross the threshold, unsure if he’d be able to keep toeing that line without obliterating it entirely as soon as she was close to him again.

“I was thinking we could maybe dig a trench on the other side of the fence?” She turned to him, fingers still playing. His own ached to take their place. Her hair looked so soft… “It won’t keep out a herd, but it might buy us enough time to get out. In an emergency, we could just crash through with the Hyundai, if we leave a section trench-free.”

Shane leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, watched the fabric of her stolen sundress sway as she moved from cupboard to cupboard. It wouldn’t be practical for her to wear it come nightfall, but it clung to her frame in all the right ways, flowing out from her waist to stop just above her knees. He never wanted her to take it off. Or maybe he did. He knew she was naked under it.

“I think maybe we could flip our sleeping patterns again, try napping during the day so we can stay awake during the night like we did before? I know it fucked us over a bit, but if we alternated sleeping times or had a little overlap…” She stopped herself and turned to look at him, aware she was rambling. “I know I’m getting ahead of myself - we haven’t even fixed the fence yet, but I- what?”

She’d pressed against that delicate wall between them. It was only fair he pushed back.

“What’chu said? ‘Bout the sun?” His hand wrapped over the back of his neck and he shuffled from foot to foot.

Ava smiled, expression soft. “Yeah.”

He nodded at her. Returned the small smile.

“C’mon.” She secured her braid with a hair tie and stepped towards the back door, reaching her hand out behind her. He threaded his fingers through hers, let her lead him along like always. “We got a lotta work to do if we wanna secure this place before nightfall.”


	7. Bedroom Hymns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one beast of a chapter, but you'll soon see why!
> 
> Let me know what you think xx

_I could not ask you where you came from._  
_I could not ask and neither could you._  
_Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips._  
_We should just kiss like real people do._

Twenty-four hours was all it took for them to secure their cabin.

Shane had patched up the fence while Ava turned the corpses of the fallen walkers into burnt out husks. They’d dug the trenches in tandem, then taken an inventory of what supplies they already had and gone on a quick run to stock up on enough ammo, toiletries and fuel to last them several weeks.

The Hyundai was parked right beside the back door for easy access, loaded with emergency rations that would see them through for a few days in case they had to jump ship before they were able to pack up what was inside.

When everything was finalized, they’d barricaded the windows and reinforced the doors from the inside. It was time to hunker down and ride out the calm before the next storm hit.

For now, though, they were celebrating their win with a cup of bourbon-spiked black coffee and a bar of chocolate. They couldn’t afford to get drunk, but Shane wouldn’t have wanted to even if that wasn’t the case. He’d learned his lesson from his last catastrophic encounter with alcohol the hard way.

“Never thought I’d see the day that instant coffee would feel like such a luxury item.” Ava almost groaned as she inhaled the steam. “I only drank the freshly ground stuff before, but I bet you’re pretty used to shitty coffee, bein’a cop ‘n all.”

“Former cop,” he corrected. “It weren’t so bad, but I ain’t gonna deny this is the best cup of coffee I ever had.”

Ava smiled from her position diagonally opposite him on the bed and leaned back against the headboard, legs stretching out so her toes could tuck themselves under his thighs for warmth. She was wearing that sundress again, a welcome reprieve from living in jeans or pants for months even if it was a little too cold for her liking.

During the day, they had taken it in turns to keep watch while the other slept in two or three hour stints, but tonight they were staying in the bedroom together, making the occasional sweep to ensure they were still secure but always gravitating back to the bed as soon as they returned. With the curtains partially drawn, they could afford to light a candle or two, and the brightness of the full moon shining through the gaps in the fabric meant they could see each other pretty clearly despite the late hour.

Shane broke off a piece of chocolate and popped it in his mouth as he passed the bar over to Ava. He never had much of a sweet tooth, but as the chocolate melted on his tongue he could appreciate why Ava had insisted they bring it up with them.

“Daddy was never too great with ‘girl stuff’,” she said lightly, ignoring the example Shane had set and biting a chunk right out of the bar. “He’d never grab me tampons when he went grocery shopping and had no idea how to handle my moodswings, but uh… He never forgot to get me chocolate.”

Shane chuckled. “That right?”

“Yep.” Ava smiled fondly. “Think you’re the first guy I ever met that grabbed me a box without me havin’ta beg first, y’know.”

“Well, see, I _did_ have to pick it up with a pair of gloves, hide it under a coupl’a skin mags so nobody doubted my masculinity or somethin’…” Shane smirked. “God forbid a guy get his girl something she needs without bein’ a pussy ‘bout it.”

Ava ducked her head to hide her blush at his choice of words.

“You’re all good though, right?” He rubbed his hand over his hair, unsure if his next question crossed some kind of invisible boundary. “I noticed you, uh… we got a bit of stock left and…”

“Oh, God, yeah, um…” She would be surprised if that wasn’t such a _Shane_ thing to notice. “Stress and shitty sleep and not eating quite right fucked that whole cycle thing out of whack a while ago.”

Shane nodded in understanding, half expecting that to be the case. “So glad the worst I had to deal with was the sudden appearance of mornin’ wood when I hit puberty.”

“Guys have it so much better than us,” Ava lamented. “Plus, you get to walk round all shirtless and ab-y when it gets hot, but anyone so much as catches a hint of nipple through my t-shirt? Suddenly I’m a menace to society.”

Shane laughed heartily. “Least you don’t have to worry about poppin’ a boner every time your dick likes the look of somethin’, even if your brain don’t.”

“That is true,” Ava conceded, taking a gulp of hot coffee. “Can’t imagine it’s easy, hidin’ that thing.”

Shane raised an eyebrow, lips quirking into a half smile.

“Oh, come on!” Ava rolled her eyes. “Like I wouldn’t notice.”

“Notice what?” Shane teased.

“Your… package,” she replied unashamedly as she gestured to his lap. A smile flirted with her lips, even though she tried to keep a poker face. “Ain’t exactly hard to miss, with you struttin’ around the way ya do sometimes.”

He scoffed. “I do _not_ strut!”

“Yeah, you do!” Ava laughed. “You get this look in your eyes and then you just… march around in them boots like a damn peacock puttin’ on a display.”

Shane huffed, shaking his head. “Yer talkin’ shit.”

“Nuh-uh. I’m right, and you know it!”

“Whatever, Princess… _struttin’,_ my ass. _”_

“Fine, don’t believe me. But don’t forget I was there after the whole shower thing yesterday…” He knew she was baiting him, wanting to see how he’d react, but it still hit a bit of a nerve for Shane. He never really blushed, but if he was ever going to, he would have then. “Impossible not to notice it then.”

He swallowed hard, suddenly unable to look her in the eye. “I’m sorry…”

“Why’re ya sorry? I’d have been offended if you _hadn’t_ reacted,” she told him truthfully. “Ain’t no shame in it. Not like I didn’t know what I was doing or didn’t want you to-”

She cut herself off and looked down into her coffee cup, but Shane wouldn’t let her back down now, not when she’d been the one to start whatever this was. Not when they were on the precipice of something.

“Didn’t want me to what?” His heart skipped, tongue wetting his lips as he waited for her to respond. _Balls in your court now, sweetheart._

She was quiet for several seconds, and when she spoke again her tone was soft, no trace of her earlier teasing to be found.

“Come on, Shane… Are you really gonna make me say it?” She sat upright, away from the headboard. Placed her coffee cup on the table beside her. “We both know what this is, even if we’re both too chickenshit to say it out loud.”

“Ava…”

“I get it. Sayin’ it makes it more real, and that’s scary. But it ain’t like this… thing between us is gonna go away just ‘cause we’re actin’ like it don’t exist.” She sighed softly, then decided that it was finally time for them to make up their minds. No more dancing around each other. In for a penny… in for a pound. “So I guess I’m just askin’ myself why we even bother tryin’ to… why you chose not to say anything when all you had to do was turn around. Why you hid it from me.”

“Y’think hidin’ from this was the easy option for me?” Shane asked incredulously. “Y’think it ain’t been killin’ me, bein’ so close this whole time but not actin’ on it ‘cause I was too worried I’d fuck it up? Fuck _you_ up?”

Ava felt a lump rise in her throat upon hearing him voice the fear she’d known he’d had all along. She hadn’t expected him to come right out and say it like that. “Shane…”

His voice was low. Whisper-quiet and husky. “Y’think it was easy, tryna keep my hands off you?”

He twisted his body towards her, hands slowly running up her legs from ankle to knee. Ava shivered.

“Y’think it wasn’t torture, havin’ you there but not being able to touch you?”

Ava’s legs parted when he shifted on the bed, body slotting into the open space left for him as his fingertips grazed the outside of her thighs under that damned yellow fabric.

“To not be able to hold ya the way I wanted?”

He reached her hips. Pulled her towards him and braced himself above her with one hand. Ava went willingly, back arching into his touch when the fingertips of his free hand traced the scar along her side from that first night.

“Nah…” He slipped his hand back out from under her dress and pressed it to the mattress beside her head, framing her with his arms. “Nah, you knew exactly how I felt. Prob’ly even before I did.”

Ava bit her bottom lip, body aflame with desire as he lowered himself to his forearms, not quite touching but close enough that they may as well have been. His eyes followed the movement, and they both knew he wished it was own lips instead.

His nose brushed over her cheek, inhaling her skin as he worked his way over to her ear.

“I want you.” Ava’s eyes fluttered closed, his words flowing over her like salve to a burn. “There. I said it.”

The feel of his lips on hers made her gasp, and when she opened her eyes again his were gazing back at them.

“You want me, too.” It wasn’t a question; he knew it was a fact. “Sunrise… right?”

Ava nodded. Her body hummed, that magnetic pull stronger than ever before.

“Still think I’m hidin’?”

“No,” she whispered.

He smiled that half smile. “What you waitin’ for, then?”

Ava moaned, then surged upwards to meet him in a passionate kiss, one hand sliding into his hair while the other clutched at his shirt, pulling him down to meet her. The weight of his body on top of hers was amazing, all firm lines and strong muscle against her toned yet soft curves, but it wasn’t enough. Her tongue swept over his bottom lip and he groaned, reaching down to grab her thigh and hitch it around his waist.

There was no battle for dominance… no war of mouths. They came together the same way they always did - giving and taking with equal measure, like a dance. She tugged on his hair to tilt his head. He curled his tongue around hers. His fingers pushed the hem of her dress up. Hers slipped under his shirt to stroke along his back.

“Clothes,” she breathed into his mouth, using her abs to pull herself into a half-seated position. He moved with her, their lips not parting for more than a few seconds before finding each other again, then reached behind her to unzip her dress. She pulled her arms free of the straps, fabric falling to her waist, then moaned as his hands splayed over her naked back to hold her steady so she could unbutton his shirt.

His lips trailed down her neck, causing her fingers to fumble as they started to place open-mouthed kisses to her skin.

“Shane,” she pleaded.

He smiled against her neck, then eased up on the distraction so he could focus enough to shrug his shirt off his shouders. Ava pushed him away slightly so she could admire the view freely, then traced his tattoo with her finger and smiled fondly, remembering the story behind it.

Shane’s forehead dropped to rest against hers, and she couldn’t stop herself from kissing him again. Once. Twice. She traced nonsense shapes down his chest with her fingertips, running over every muscle until she reached the V of his hips. Shane growled, the sound rumbling out of him, and he nipped at her bottom lip as she teased her way along his belt line.

Her hands were steadier than they had the right to be as they unbuckled his belt, pulling the leather free of his beltloops before reaching for the front of his tactical pants. Her fingers brushed over where he was hard and aching, and she moaned into his mouth as she palmed him through the fabric.

Shane rolled his body into hers, pinning her flat against the mattress again as his fingers threaded into her hair and pulled. Ava gasped, head arching back into the sensation as he littered more kisses along her neck. Her hands were trapped between their bodies, but she managed to find just enough leeway to undo his pants before he reached down with his free one to pin her wrist to the mattress beside her head.

“My turn,” he murmured against her neck, sending a shiver across her skin. The fingers that were pinning her wrist slid up to tangle with hers and squeezed tightly in a silent demand to stay put as he kissed his way down to her chest, thanking whoever designed that sundress for making it impossible to wear a bra under.

He cupped her breast in his free hand, thumb sweeping over her puckered nipple as his mouth settled over the other one. His teeth gently teased her, followed by a flick of his tongue to soothe the slight echo of pain. Ava was aware she was almost panting now, chest rising and falling under him in quick repetitions, and the fingers that weren’t desperately squeezing his moved to card through his hair.

She liked it better longer, though she couldn’t deny he pulled off the shaved hair look just as well. It made him look softer, when it was like this, and right now it was giving her something to ground herself with as well. Shane let go of her hand and tugged the sundress past her waist, allowing her to kick it off in an inelegant tangle of limbs before diving back in.

His tongue teased the soft skin of her stomach - much like her fingers had done to his - exploring her lazily, in no rush to reach his final destination. She tasted slightly salty from sweat, but clean and womanly, and he took his time kissing and sucking the peaks of her hipbones as she gasped and whimpered above him.

Ava propped herself up on one elbow to watch, her other hand barely managing to not push his head exactly where she was burning for it. To be patient. He smirked up at her, then lifted one of her legs over his shoulder as he bypassed her core and bit his way along the supple flesh of her inner thigh.

“Shane…”

He hummed against her skin at the sound of his name, then licked a long stripe along her inner thigh with the tip of his tongue, teasing her one final time just to watch her eyes glaze over.

“Fuckin’ beautiful,” Shane muttered. He slid his free arm under and around the thigh that rested on his shoulder and wrapped it across her hips, holding her in place. Ava let out a high pitched whine as his breath ghosted over her sex, curling her fingers against his scalp.

She was shaved bare apart from a neat triangle of curls on her mons pubis, and Shane groaned, feeling his cock throb in response. He didn’t care if a girl waxed, shaved or left things natural, but realizing she’d wanted this… that she’d planned this down to that tiny detail…

“You’re tryna kill me,” he mumbled.

Ava let out a breathy sigh - the sexiest fucking sound he’d ever heard – and smiled coyly. “I had high hopes.”

Shane lowered his head and growled against her core, the vibrations making her throw her head back and moan loudly. He pulled his hand out from under hers, ignoring her protests, and brought it down to spread her open so his tongue could flick against her clit while his other arm restrained her.

“ _Shane!_ ”

Fuck what he’d said before. _That_ was the sexiest sound in the world.

He’d always loved going down on women, but the way Ava writhed and moaned so beautifully as his mouth worked her over made him want to never leave the little piece of heaven between her thighs. He circled his tongue round her clit, noted how it made her squirm, then licked nice and firm over it and smiled against her when her back arched and her fingers tugged on his hair, urging him to do it again. She liked a firm touch, then.

He was more than happy to oblige.

“Oh, my… _Shane!”_

He moaned as she tried to rock her hips up and enjoyed the sharp sensation of her nails scraping over his scalp when she pushed his head down instead. Her other hand came down to grip his bicep, and her back arched as he nuzzled against her slick flesh, unable to get enough of the taste of her. He could probably do this every day and twice on Sundays for the rest of time and still not be satisfied.

He ground his hips against the mattress in a futile attempt at finding some friction, watching her chest heave as he flickered his tongue over her in rapid but firm strokes. She let go of his hair, only to grab her own, head rocking from side to side as her body came alive with sensations. He slowly loosened the pressure over her hips, silently telling her to behave, then lapped at her entrance while his other hand pushed against the thigh that wasn’t on his shoulder.

Ava felt his fingers leave damp streaks across her thigh even though they hadn’t even been inside of her yet, and let her leg fall to the side to open herself up to him more. He grunted something against her that sounded like a curse, but then the fingers of his free hand were sliding into her and his mouth was kissing her clit and all coherent thought flew from her mind once more.

He twisted his fingers and crooked them against the front wall of her core, seeking the spot that would make her cry out. And then he found it… oh, did he find it…

“Yes, Shane...” Ava could barely breathe, her whole body a livewire that was about to short circuit. It felt so good… He made her feel so _good_.

“That’s it,” he groaned, feeling her walls start flutter around his fingers, but then her hand was back in his hair again and her hips thrust up in a silent demand for him to stay right there, to not stop…

“Oh… Oh…”

Her thighs tensed against him, her entire being strung tight…

She came with a sharp cry, tightening round his fingers as he stroked her through her orgasm. He couldn’t hold back a moan of his own, couldn’t resist the urge to let his tongue keep circling her slick flesh, avoiding the place she’d be most sensitive while she came back down again. Ava’s hips twitched even as her thighs trembled, silently encouraging him to keep going. Her body knew what it was capable of, and right then it was ready to go again – he just had to be gentle until the sensitivity passed.

“Shane…” she whimpered, barely managing to push herself up enough to be able to pull on his shoulder.

He kissed her clit, sending a shudder through her body, then reluctantly let her guide him back up until she could press her sweat-dampened forehead to his. She panted against his lips, mouth too slack to kiss him yet, but kept her gaze fixed on his while his fingers took over from his mouth between her legs, gently teasing her.

“I…” She let out a soft whine, hips rocking against his palm as it flattened over her.

“Like that?” he breathed.

Ava nodded, words lodged in her throat as pleasure stripped her of the ability to vocalize how she was feeling.

“You look so beautiful like this,” he told her, then kissed her softly, letting her taste her own arousal on his tongue. “You gonna do it again for me, Darlin’?”

Ava had never been one for dirty talk, but hearing his quiet pleas… it heightened everything she was feeling, pushed it to the next level to know he was just as turned on as she was. She could only moan and grasp at him with weak fingers, barely even able to kiss him back.

He slipped his fingers inside her again, thumb keeping a constant pressure on her clit. “Hottest thing I ever saw, watchin’ you come like that… Wanna see that every day… Every night…”

Ava whimpered his name, unable to look anywhere except into his eyes even as hers tried to roll upwards in pleasure. His pupils were blown with lust, hungry for her… because of her _._

“That’s right,” he cooed. He felt that tell-tale tightening around his fingers again, kept his movements consistent and steady. “Nearly there…”

“ _Oh…”_

Shane smiled. Slipped the fingers of his free hand into her hair. “Come on, Ava… Please…”

All it took was a gentle tug on her hair before he was smothering her moans with his mouth, reveling in every aborted sound… the way her back arched and her shaking thighs clamped together to hold him there… The look of pure bliss that he’d been the one to put on her face.

“Fuckin’ perfect,” he whispered. “You’re fuckin’ perfect.”

“Shane…” Ava pressed her forehead to his and tried to remember how to breathe. “Shane…”

“I got’cha,” he murmured, carefully withdrawing his hand. She whined when he accidentally grazed over her clit, over-sensitive to the extreme, and he squeezed her hip in a silent apology. “Easy…”

He kissed her gently as he guided her through the come-down, barely more than a brush of lips at first, but then she gradually started to respond again, her tongue teasing his.

“Fuck,” she breathed.

He smiled widely and gently reached down to pull her leg up to his hip, bringing them almost completely flush against each other again. Ava hummed happily and slipped her arm around his waist, pushing her hips forward into his and feeling how much he was affected by it.

“How are you still wearing pants right now?”

Shane chuckled. “Wasn’t exactly my top priority, Darlin’.”

“Shoulda been,” Ava muttered, then rolled him onto his back with surprising force considering how much like jello her body had become. “Guess I’ll have be the one to fix that…”

She straddled his waist and began to lick and suck her way down his torso, getting her revenge for his earlier teasing before tucking her fingers under the waistband of his pants and boxer briefs.

She carefully eased them over his erection, then shifted down the bed, kissing her way down the strong muscles of his thighs as she pulled his pants down and off his legs. She crawled back up towards him with a smirk, maintaining eye contact with him as she mouthed at the delicate skin of his balls.

He groaned lowly in his throat, eyes falling shut as she licked a wet line up the underside of his cock before mouthing at the head. Unable to take the teasing, he reached down to grab her by the arms and hauled her up until they were chest to chest again, her legs on either side of his thighs.

“Come’re,” he muttered, kissing her fiercely. Ava moaned against his lips as his hands threaded into her hair and ground her pelvis against his, the thick line of his cock sliding perfectly along her slick folds.

Shane hissed in a sharp breath at the sudden heat, tugging on her hair to tilt her face up so he could devour her neck.

“So wet…” he mumbled against her skin, sucking a tiny splotch of purple on one side before moving to mirror it on the other. “So fuckin’ perfect…”

Ava braced her hands on his chest and slowly started to rock her hips forwards and back, sliding along the length of him until the head nudged her clit before reversing the motion. Shane reached down and gripped her hips with both hands, guiding her into a rhythm that had them both gasping as their mouths met in a hungry kiss, tongues mimicking the way they both wanted him to be moving inside of her.

Unable to help himself, Shane gave a little thrust upwards with his hips as he pulled her down against him… then again… then again… Ava moaned as the movement put the perfect amount of pressure on her clit, but this wasn’t about her… This was about him.

She grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head, hair falling round their faces like a curtain as she kissed him deeply and started rocking her pelvis a little faster, setting a rhythm that soon had him groaning and struggling to pull his arms out from her hold in an attempt to touch her.

“Feels so good,” she told him. “Knew it would.”

She longed take him inside of her, knew all it would take is a tiny adjustment in her angle and he’d be sliding home… It was what they both wanted. But neither of them had thought to pick up any condoms on their supply runs.

“I want…” Shane panted, hips struggling to push up against her. “Fuck, I want…”

“I know,” Ava moaned. “I know.”

“Just…”

He thrust up, the tip of his cock slipping along her folds and lining up against her entrance just as she started to angle her hips down. He slid inside of her with ease.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Shane grunted, unable to resist the urge to push further inside, desperately seeking more of the slick heat. Ava let her hips rock down, feeling his girth stretch her deliciously as he hit all the good places inside of her.

“Shit,” she panted, rolling her pelvis in a slow circle while Shane groaned beneath her. “Shane, that feels…”

He broke free of her hold with a growl and reached for her hips, lifting her almost completely off his cock before bringing her back down again. She was so wet for him, so soft, so slick… Her walls gripped him tightly, fluttering around his length as he repeated the motion again, and then again…

“Shane…” Ava clamped her eyes shut and tried not to lose herself in the moment. She knew they couldn’t risk this – Lori carrying his child was proof of that.

“Ava, you have no idea…” Shane arched up to kiss her, and for a moment she wanted to just throw caution to the wind and keep going. “So fuckin’ perfect…”

“I know,” she whispered. “I know _exactly_. But we can’t…”

Shane groaned, hips stilling immediately as he nodded in reluctant understanding. “I know.”

Ava eased herself off him and pressed her lips hard onto his before turning around so she could wrap her lips around the head of his cock, not letting the moment break. He was big, and he tasted like her, and Ava couldn’t help but moan around him as she used her hand to stroke what couldn’t fit in her mouth.

Shane reached down to thread his fingers through her hair again, not guiding her - just playing - then slid his other hand over the curve of her ass. Ava hummed in satisfaction, sweeping her tongue over his tip before taking him as deep as she could. Shane’s hand fisted in her hair at that, but he still managed to restrain himself, not wanting to hurt her.

She pressed open mouthed kisses along the length of his cock, then arched her head back against his hand. “Please.”

Shane felt a jolt of desire go right through him at that.

“Fuck,” he hissed, eyes struggling to focus as he pushed her head down until the head of his cock nudged the back of her throat. She swallowed around him, and his hips jerked up in shock at the sudden tightness, pushing her that little bit further down. Ava didn’t mind the intrusion, too busy trying to give him even half the pleasure he’d given her to worry about gagging.

Her head bobbed along his length over and over, taking him further down her throat before coming back up to flick her tongue over the sensitive spot just below the tip. His hand wasn’t harsh or demanding - it made her feel wanted when his hips jerked beneath her and his fingers tightened in her hair, silently pleading for more.

She was so focused on him that the feel of the fingers of his free hand sliding inside her made her moan loudly in surprise. Shane groaned, feeling how wet she still was for him and wishing that he could still be inside her, feel those walls constricting around his cock instead. He slid his fingers in and out of her in the same rhythm she was moving, and it didn’t take much longer before he felt that tell-tale tightening in his groin.

“Ava, I’m gonna…”

She rolled her palm over his balls in silent encouragement, then let the head of his cock nudge the back of her throat one final time, and that was it. She felt his body tense and swallowed around him, moaning at the way his muscles ripped and his eyes fell shut in pleasure when he came.

“Ava… Ava…”

He pulled her back up his body and kissed her passionately, hands roaming over her body with such tenderness it made her legs shake.

“Fuck,” he breathed.

She smiled against his lips, loving the sudden role reversal. “And to think we could have been doing this months ago.”

“Don’t remind me,” he groaned. “We were fuckin’ idiots.”

“Uh-huh,” she murmured, kissing her way down to his neck. His hand came up to stroke her hair, playing with the strands as she sucked a purple mark of her own onto his skin, claiming him the same way he had her.

“I wasn’t too rough was I?”

“Nope,” Ava assured him. “Could’ve been rougher if you wanted to. I can take it.”

Shane growled, lips seizing hers in an almost brutal kiss. “Don’t tell me that.”

“Or what? You gonna spank me?” she teased.

Shane shook his head and chuckled darkly. “You’re playin’ with fire, Princess.”

“I know,” she admitted. “Next time, maybe.”

“Yeah,” he said, tone suddenly soft. “Next time.”

“Better stock up on condoms,” she murmured. “Maybe there’s some tucked away somewhere.”

Shane nodded and ran his hands up and down her back, his expression pensive.

“Thank you. For…”

“I wanted it,” Ava said softly. “But I know how much the thought of them being out there kills you, even though you don’t talk about it. I couldn’t put you in that position again.”

Shane gazed into her eyes for several long moments before kissing her slowly, deeply, and she felt it all the way down to her toes. It wasn’t just a kiss – it was filled with everything he couldn’t say.

“As much as I wanna stay naked in bed with you, I think we’re due another check.” Ava started to pull away, but Shane held her steadfast with gentle hands.

“One more,” he whispered.

Ava smiled, then leaned down to kiss him again, letting their lips linger like they had all the time in the world.

“I’ll be right back,” she promised.

She climbed off the bed and pulled his discarded shirt on, buttoning it up halfway. It barely covered her ass, but it looked so much better on her instead of him so he didn’t have the heart to call her out for it. She crawled halfway back across the bed to kiss him, then smiled happily before grabbing their cold coffee cups and heading downstairs to do a quick sweep of the house.

Shane watched her go with a content sigh, then grabbed his pants and pulled them on, not bothering to do up his belt before walking over to the window and peering outside. Nothing but peaceful quiet.

When Ava returned a few minutes later, it was with two refills of coffee and a beaming smile. She sat with her back against the headboard and smirked when he walked over to accept coffee she held out to him.

“Peacock,” she teased as he bent down to kiss her, eyes alight with mirth.

The moment he took up his familiar position opposite her on the bed, her toes wiggled their way over and nudged at the side of his thighs expectantly.

Shane rolled his eyes, but shifted his weight so she could slip them beneath his thighs again anyway.

“Princess.”


	8. From Eden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make my day - leave a comment :)
> 
> Enjoy xx

_Her eyes look, sharp and steady, into the empty parts of me._

_Still, my heart is heavy with the hate of another man’s belief._

_“Shane…”_

Shane smirked as he quietly opened the bedroom door, not wanting to wake Ava up too early and ruin her surprise. He unlaced his boots and placed them next to hers against the wall, then slowly moved towards the bed, shedding his clothes as he went.

“ _Shane… Oh…”_

_Someone was having good dreams._

They’d adjusted their new sleeping schedule months ago, choosing to break their day up into smaller chunks and napping together instead of apart like before, but now Ava usually couldn’t settle down on her own. The comfort of knowing they had a modicum of safety in the cabin used to be enough, but now he knew it was being in his arms that allowed her to rest easier than anything else. She must’ve been more tired than he’d realized, to fall asleep while he was out on a supply run.

A small group of walkers had passed through the area during the night, and although their fortified defenses had held strong like they always did, the physical exertion it took to not only kill the creatures but then haul them over to their ever-growing pyre for burning had taken its toll on both of them.

They probably should have been used to it by now. They’d still go out on supply runs and went hunting together, taking down walkers side by side like two halves of one machine, always stopping the threat before it had a chance to get close. Spring may have finally arrived, but their routine still remained the same.

If the water ran out, they got some more from the creek. When the rarely used propane tank eventually ran dry, it was replaced with another. After they washed their clothes, they hung them to dry on the line of wire they’d run from the back door to the fence they had reinforced with wooden spikes mid-winter. They spoke of their pasts, of the people they’d left behind, and it hurt, but it was a bearable pain. A healthy one.

They never stopped orbiting each other, but instead of holding himself back, he’d kiss her before they fell asleep and then again when they woke up, would let his hands and eyes roam freely over her body every chance he got, flirt and tease and…

He carefully lifted up the edge of the sheet covering Ava’s body then paused while she shifted against the mattress. She rolled onto her back and her legs moved apart, like her body somehow sensed his and was making room for it, but didn’t wake up. Shane smiled.

So far, he’d kept his promise to himself that he would put that blissful expression on her face as often as possible, and when an opportunity like this came along…

He pressed one knee onto the mattress, testing how much noise it made, then lowered himself between her legs and coaxed her thighs over his shoulders. She moaned softly in her sleep and her hips rolled in a tiny movement, teasing him. How could he say no to that?

_Ava was in Heaven. His hands were covering her skin, mouth on her neck, hips rolling into hers over and over… They were on the beach - she could feel the sand beneath her - but it wasn’t gritty, just smooth… Shane was smiling at her, and she was falling… falling… Waves lapped between her thighs, but how? They weren’t in the ocea-_

Ava cried out as she was slammed back into awareness, barely able to comprehend that what she was feeling was real and not a dream. “Shane!”

Her body was already on the edge – she could tell how soaked she was, feel how easy it was for him to slide two fingers inside of her. She pushed herself up onto her elbows and looked down, catching his gaze as he swept his tongue over her folds. When he’d first told her how much he loved doing this, she almost didn’t believe him, but the sounds he made as he pleasured her with his mouth and fingers… the look in his eyes…

“Oh, shit,” she whimpered. She felt more than saw him grin against her, and wasn’t afraid to let out another moan as his fingers increased their tempo – she’d quickly realized how much he got off on hearing her vocalize how she felt. “Shane…”

It wasn’t long before her head fell back and her back arched as she felt that unmistakable build up that would catapult her straight into an orgasm, but instead of helping her get there, Shane withdrew his fingers and lifted his head.

Ava whined in frustration and reached down to try to drag him back into position, but he pulled himself away and flipped her onto her front instead.

“Don’t stop!” Ava begged. She hated it when he teased her like this, when he brought her to the edge and then kept her there because he knew it would make it more intense for her the longer he drew it out. But then she heard him fumble for something and his hands were pulling her up onto her knees and suddenly he was sliding inside of her and…

“Shane!”

He ran his hands along her spine as he filled her slowly, relishing in every new inch of heat that wrapped around him until their hips were flush. He draped himself over her back and kissed the bare skin of her shoulder.

Ava turned her head in silent question, moaned in understanding when he answered her with a kiss, then let her head fall forwards so she could look at where they were joined, watch as he started to move within her.

No matter what the pharmaceutical companies said, the latex barrier between them felt nowhere near as good as him sliding inside of her bare had that first night, but they’d decided they could live with that since it meant they could do this every day without the constant worry in the back of his mind. It had been torture at first, knowing how amazing having him inside of her felt but having to deny themselves.

It had taken almost two weeks to find some the first time, so when they’d eventually run out of them several days ago, Ava had expected it to take a lot longer to find more – the stockpiles they’d already discovered were long gone by now.

“Amazin’,” Shane grunted. “Always so fuckin’ tight...”

He wrapped an arm round her waist, fingers sliding to where they were joined to tease her clit. He groaned when she squeezed around him and whimpered in response.

“Been thinkin ‘bout this all week…” He kissed her shoulder, then the back of her neck, his words whispered into her skin. “‘Bout how good you feel… the things I’ve wanted do to you…”

Ava started to rock back to meet him, back arching as he hit her g-spot with every few thrusts.

“Yeah?” she panted. She wanted him to lose that tiny piece of restraint, to take what he wanted from her unapologetically. He didn’t need to be gentle, not with her. He should’ve known that by now. “What did… you think… about?”

“Everythin’.” His thrusts became just that little bit harder, a little faster. His teeth grazed over her shoulder, sunk in just far enough to tease at what they could do. “Been drivin’ me crazy…”

“Show me.” The authority in her voice surprised even Ava, but she didn’t want to take it back, not when it made his rhythm falter ever so slightly. Rattled the chains of his control. “Come on. I know you want to.”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Shane teased, but his tone betrayed how affected he was by her command.

He wrapped her hair over his wrist and pulled firmly, forcing her almost completely upright as his hips thrust up in a punishing rhythm that had her moaning in seconds.

“Like this, huh?”

Ava nodded, hands scrabbling to hold his forearms for stability. It was too much, yet not enough… his fingers in her hair, on her clit… his lips and teeth marking the back of her neck, silently telling her he wanted her to be his…

But then he pushed her down flat on the bed and flipped her over once more, barely giving her time to breathe before lifting one of her legs over his shoulder and sliding home again.

“Wanna watch,” he muttered. His brown eyes had turned almost black, hungry and desire-fueled as they were. Ava wondered what he saw in hers. If the brilliant blue had darkened to navy, or if they’d brightened into turquoise. If everything she was feeling and thinking was on display for him, like his was for her.

Maybe that’s why he loved to look at her so much. Maybe-

Shane leaned forward to kiss her, using her flexibility to his advantage. “Stop thinkin’ so loud.”

Ava moaned. Clung onto him with both hands.

“I know,” he murmured against her lips. His thrusts were slower, but somehow deeper and more intense, getting them both right to that edge. “Darlin’, I know.”

Ava fell first. Forehead pressed against his, mouth open in a silent cry. Her eyes stayed open and pulled him along with her.

He almost collapsed on top of her, letting her leg slip from his shoulder to wrap around his waist and hold him close. She was shaking, but her expression was happy and satisfied as she pressed gentle kisses to his mouth.

“Found ‘em, by the way,” Shane joked.

“Hope you brought the whole box this time,” Ava replied. Shane smirked.

“Better than that. I grabbed eight of ‘em.”

“Someone’s clearly confident,” she teased. Shane hummed contentedly.

“Ain’t that why ya call me a peacock?” He kissed her hard, just once, then reluctantly withdrew from between her legs so he could tie the condom before it was too late. “Thought I might as well live up to yer expectations.”

“You always do,” Ava told him, stretching languidly as Shane rolled off her and walked over to the trashcan. She got out of bed slowly and bent over to grab her underwear from the floor, then smirked when she heard Shane groan from behind her.

She pulled her panties and jeans up her legs at a lazy pace, giving him a little bit of a show, then threaded her arms through the straps of her bra and adjusted it into place before peering over her shoulder. “Do me up?

Shane shook his head at her and muttered something under his breath but headed in her direction anyway. He pulled on his discarded tactical pants and shoved his hand into one of the pockets, but Ava didn’t notice - too busy stealing a glance over at the rumpled bedsheets and smiling to herself.

His fingers expertly did up her bra on the tightest hook, then swept her hair over one shoulder. He planted a kiss at the top of her spine, and then cool metal draped itself round her neck. Ava startled slightly, hand coming up to touch the delicate chain while he did up the clasp at the back.

“Shane, what…”

He gripped her waist and guided her to stand in front of the mirror that was hung on the wall. Ava gasped.

A beautiful silver pendant laid against her breastbone, shining slightly in the sunlight. A peacock feather.

Ava twisted in his arms and cupped his cheeks in her hands, eyes glistening with emotion.

“Shane…”

“Sunrise. I know,” he whispered, echoing back to that conversation from months ago. They never said the three words everyone else used to express their feelings for their loved ones. They didn’t need to. They both knew what they had was deeper than anything anyone could ever describe with things as empty as words.

Ava smiled, then brought their lips together. One. Two. Three.

Shane tucked her hair behind her ear, took in the dark circles that were starting to form under her eyes. “You need another nap, or you good for a hunt?”

“I’m good,” she replied. “Just give me a sec to get ready and I’ll join you downstairs?”

Shane nodded, then pressed his lips to her forehead before grabbing his shirt and boot from the floor and heading downstairs to gather what they needed for their excursion.

Ava picked up the shirt she’d been wearing earlier that day and slipped it on, then turned to face the mirror. She buttoned it from the bottom upwards, but hesitated at the top two as she stared at the pendant that now adorned her neck. It was so beautiful, she couldn’t bear to cover it.

She left the top buttons undone and walked over to the bedroom door to grab her boots. They were a lot like Shane’s – bulky, tough and well-trodden – but hers were brown where his were black, and that made them look softer somehow. She tucked her jeans into them and tied them tightly in a double knot, then pushed the extra length of the laces back into the boot so she couldn’t trip over them.

By the time she got downstairs, Shane had lined up her hunting knife and switchblade on the kitchen counter for her and was just finishing loading his shotgun. They didn’t plan on using it, but he was always prepared for the worst. He had to be.

Ava tucked her switchblade into her boot and picked up the hunting knife before turning to him expectantly.

“Forgetting something?”

Shane tilted his head to the table in front of him, where his Glock 17 rested. Ava picked it up and ejected the magazine, checking it was loaded before clicking it back into place with practiced ease. Shane smiled - he’d taught her well.

“Check the safety’s on.”

“Glocks don’t have a safety,” Ava chimed back. “Still ain’t gonna fall for that one.”

“I know,” he conceded. “Just checkin’.”

Ava rolled her eyes, then tucked the handgun into her waistband. “We headin’ out or what?”

Shane gathered what he needed before kissing her softly, the way he always did before they went on a hunt. Just in case.

They left the Hyundai behind as they were only heading a few miles out and didn’t need the noise scaring away their prey. They took down a few stray walkers on the way, but otherwise tried to stay as silent as possible as they tracked their usual route, checking the snares they’d set along the way.

Eventually, they reached the rusted train tracks that ran along the edge of the murky body of water near the old prison they’d once sought out and prepared to turn back, satisfied with the two rabbits they’d manage to catch on their trek. But then something caught Ava’s eye.

“Someone’s cleared the prison,” she mumbled. She grabbed the binoculars Shane was holding and focused them on the yard. Walkers still roamed the perimeter from outside the fence, but there were definitely bodies strewn across the grass inside it that had been up and moving the last time they came by. “Look.”

Shane took the binoculars back from her, scanning the area. He frowned after a moment, adjusting the dial to focus clearer on something in particular.

“What is it?” Ava wondered.

“I…” Shane lowered the binoculars. Something passed over his face. Confusion? Disbelief?

Relief?

He handed her back the binoculars and took a step away, gaze unfocused as he turned his back on her and his hands came up to cover his head.

Ava squinted through the lenses, trying to figure out what had rattled him so much. Then she saw the figures – the _people_ – moving around closer to the prison block itself. A young boy wore a Sheriff’s hat on his head. One of the women’s stomachs was unmistakably round.

“It’s them.” She turned to look at Shane and sighed sadly at the sight of his rigid spine and heaving chest. He nodded once.

“Do you want to…” Ava hesitated, gesturing to the prison even though he couldn’t see her. “Shall we…?”

It took him several seconds to respond.

“No,” he eventually croaked. “We’ll leave ‘em be.”

Ava moved closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Watched him shudder.

“Shane…”

“I’m fine,” he muttered. Then grimaced. “That’s a lie.”

“I…” _have no idea what to say._

He reached up to take hold of her fingers and tug them from his shoulder, silently pulling her in front of him instead. He kept his back to the prison. On the people within it. His eyes fell shut as he pressed his forehead to hers. Ava’s free hand found his waist. His cupped her face.

“Did… Was Carl…”

“Yeah,” Ava whispered. “I think so.”

He exhaled shakily. Pulled her closer. “L- an’ the b-…”

“Due soon,” Ava confirmed.

Shane let out a quiet whine of loss.

“I know.”

“They’re right there.”

She kissed him slowly. “ _I know._ ”

“I don’t need them,” he mumbled. “But I want… I miss…”

She couldn’t imagine how eviscerated he must have felt in that moment. But not by darkness. They’d gone over and over all those parts, laid them to rest, brought them back to life, re-examined them… The isolation he’d felt. How maddening it was to have nobody listen to him and get themselves hurt because of it. The guilt and the hurt about what he had done, even though he believed it was the right way to go forward. The only way. He’d healed from that.

But he’d also told her how much he adored Carl. How they’d formed an even closer bond in Rick’s absence, like best buddies and family wrapped into one. About how having he and Lori by his side in those dizzying first days of thinking he’d lost his best friend was what had got him through. That it killed him to pull away, but that he somehow ended up drawn back in anyway by the boy’s bright smile and wonder-filled eyes.

One night, several spiked coffees in, he’d whispered his confession against her skin, told her how terrifying it was to know his unborn child was out there somewhere he couldn’t reach them. That although the circumstances were awful, the moment he’d heard Lori was pregnant he’d been shocked and horrified but excited all at once. Had wanted and loved that baby instantly.

It was that light - that love – that crippled him now.

“They’re your family,” she whispered. “Of course you do.”

“I can’t go back. I can’t. I-” _I want you more._

“Shhh,” Ava soothed. “It’s okay. I understand.”

And he knew she genuinely did.

Shane groaned softly, then kissed her. Again. Again. His hand slid into her hair, holding her close as they gravitated back towards the trees. Away from a life he could have had, but would never have been satisfied with. Not now he had something so perfect with her. That much, he was sure of.

Ava gasped into his mouth when her back hit solid bark. They moved in unison, pushing fabric out their way in their urgency instead of completely off. Her jeans got tangled on her boots. His tactical pants stayed up round his hips, unzipped and belt unbuckled. He didn’t care.

He lifted her up, pressed her back against the tree, and slid home. Their lips met over and over again in time with his thrusts, breaths mere pants into the space between them as they moved together. He didn’t need anything else but this. But her.

Ava wrapped her arms around his neck, and he caught a glimpse of the pendant bouncing on her breastbone. He grunted, and she moaned, knowing what he was looking at.

“All I need,” he panted. “You’re all I need.”

She whimpered his name, walls tightening around him as he came inside her with his face buried in her neck.

They held each other for several long moments, breathing hard and limbs shaking until Shane eventually withdrew from her and lowered her legs to the ground. He readjusted their clothing back to normal, doing up her jeans with such tenderness it made Ava’s heart ache.

He kissed her gently, then took her hand in his. Walked away from the prison.

“Let’s go home.”


	9. Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing makes my day more than comments on this, so I was inspired to crank out this chapter as soon as possible.
> 
> This is one of the scenes that made me want to write this fic to begin with, and I hope you like it!

_When I was a man, I thought it ended_

_When I knew love’s perfect ache._

_But my peace has always depended_

_On all the ashes in my wake._

They didn’t speak about the prison again after that. They didn’t go that far out to the tracks when they next hunted, but if Shane took a long walk every other day… well, Ava didn’t think it was her place to comment.

He was on one of them now, but Ava knew he’d be back soon. He’d headed in the opposite direction to normal, trying to set up a few more snares in the new area, and Ava had wanted to offer to go at first but quickly thought better of it. He needed to clear his head, and she wasn’t going to deny him that.

Instead, she busied herself with sorting out the modest laundry load she’d scrubbed clean of gore that morning and hung out to dry. The day had been mild and breezy, so the clothes smelt fresh and were no longer damp. She missed having an electric dryer – nothing could quite beat the feel of warm, soft sheets on a bed before going to sleep. But that was another life, and at least she had the memory to be fond of.

She was almost finished when she heard Shane’s soft footsteps from nearby. She smiled to herself as he undid the wire that fastened across the gap in the fence they liked to treat as a door before letting himself in.

“Hey,” she called softly, unhooking one of his shirts from the line so she could see him.

The sight of his shotgun pumped and ready to fire made something cold run down her spine.

“Quarter mile back,” he said quickly. “Nine of ‘em. Couldn’t shake the tail.”

Ava swallowed hard and quickly headed over to the propane system to cut the supply. They’d planned for something like this, but that didn’t stop a jolt of fear from kick-starting her heart up a gear.

“They seem hostile?” she asked.

“Couldn’t tell. They were definitely trackin’ me, though.”

Shane guided her inside and glanced over his shoulder once before pulling the back door partially shut behind them. She didn’t hesitate to grab the Glock from the kitchen counter and unsheathe the knife she always carried before sweeping any evidence of their supply stock into their ‘get the fuck out and run’ bag they kept in the corner. They only had a minute or so before their new arrivals breached the perimeter.

Shane helped her haul the bag over her shoulder and walked with her down the hallway, his hand on her lower back. He was trying not to panic her, but she knew that look. He was worried.

“I’ll cut ‘em off outside the fence,” he muttered. “Try’n talk to ‘em, persuade ‘em to move on.”

She half-smiled. “I know the drill.”

Shane pressed his lips to hers, the urgency unmistakable. “Stay outta sight.”

And then he was gone, fingers scrubbing over his scalp as he went.

Ava hurried upstairs and shoved the bag into their bedroom, then closed the door before moving over to the opposite end of the hallway and opening the door to the other bedroom. She crouched down and moved below the open window that faced the yard, gun at the ready in case she needed to cover Shane.

“Hey! You bit?”

Shane’s laugh floated up to the window, and she could picture the forced smile that was probably on his face. “I look like a walker to you?”

“Fuck me. It’s a live one!”

“Excuse my brother, there. Ain’t seen no-one who ain’t dead or dyin’ in a while.”

“No, man, I get it,” Shane replied. “Not many of us left, now.”

“You got a sweet little hiding spot over here, ain’t ya?”

Shane said nothing.

“You alone?” The new voice made her skin crawl with how falsely cheery it was.

“My buddies are out huntin’ at the moment, but they’ll be back soon.”

_That’s it, Shane… Move ‘em along._

“Mind if my brothers and I kept you company while you wait for them to get back?”

“I don’t want no trouble,” Shane warned.

“Come on, man. We’ve been travelling for miles, now. I just wanna sit down for a bit, you know?”

Ava closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the wall. If Shane said no, they’d sense something was up. But if he said yes and invited them into the house? Ava had only heard three voices, and had no idea where the other half of the group was. There was no way they’d have split up and left the area.

No. They’d have split up so they didn’t seem so threatening.

“Sure,” Shane reluctantly agreed. “Come in through the kitchen – this place‘s got a coupl’a couches you can sit on.”

He knew that phrasing was for her, subtly telling her where they’d be.

“We ain’t got much – wish I could offer you somethin’, but…”

“Nah, you’re cool.”

Footsteps echoed up the stairs as Shane led them into the kitchen.

“These lights work? I saw the propane system outside.”

“Nah, man,” Shane lied. “We tried, but…”

Ava heard the light switch get flicked. The lights stayed off. The exact reason she’d cut the gas supply.

“I could take a look at it for ya?”

“Yer alright,” Shane deflected. “One of my buddies was an electrician – said the whole thing’s fried.”

“Shame.”

“Tell me about it. Coulda used some heat over winter.”

Ava listened to their voices fade slightly as they headed into the other room and shut the door behind them. She didn’t move from her spot, not wanting to alert them to her presence, but straightened up just enough to be able to peek out through the bottom of the window pane.

The others hadn’t gone far. She could see four of them waiting at the edge of the trees. Which meant five of them were in the house, not three.

Shane wasn’t stupid – he’d have known something was going on when only half the group showed up - but Ava felt helpless, stuck upstairs while he tried to keep the peace below her. He was outnumbered. Even if he got the jump on one or two of them, the others would take him down with ease.

They had to be diplomatic about this. Maybe they weren’t a threat after all – maybe they were genuine.

Ava knew better than to hope. They both did.

“I gotta take a leak. Mind if I use the bathroom?”

“Toilet don’t flush, so…”

“No problem – I can piss outside. Ain’t like I’m not used to it by now.”

The door closed and footsteps started down the hallway towards the kitchen, out to the backyard. Although the sounds were muffled, she heard the other men engage Shane in a loud conversation about baseball to distract him. They didn’t distract her, though. She counted the seconds he was outside. Four. Long enough to signal the others to join them. And now the footsteps were heading towards the stairs.

She tucked the Glock in her waistband and moved towards the door, hidden from view with a line of sight down to the other bedroom. A figure emerged at the top of the stairs moments later and glanced up and down the hallway before creeping over to the bathroom door and pushing down on the handle. He stuck his head inside, and Ava wished she hadn’t had a shower an hour earlier. Wished she hadn’t used shower gel so its scent hadn't permeated the air. Wished there was any other choice left to make.

The man had an ugly smirk on his face when he left the bathroom, which only grew as he crept down the hallway towards their bedroom. She knew that soon as he saw the rumpled sheets, the bag of supplies… her bra and panties…

Ava snuck up behind him and slit his throat before he even got through the opened door.

He was heavy, but Ava was prepared for it. She let his bleeding form collapse backwards onto her and lowered him gently to the floor as quietly as she could. She felt neither guilt nor remorse when she thrust her blade under his chin and speared his brain for good measure. She patted his corpse in search of a weapon and grimaced at the serrated blade she found tucked up his jacket sleeve. That wasn’t a weapon to defend. That was one of torture.

Her instincts were correct about the kind of group they were dealing with.

And that meant she had to act fast.

She shoved whatever clothes she could into the bag she’d left by the door and swung it over her shoulder before she stealthily headed down the stairs, more grateful than ever that Shane had made her memorize the pattern of creaks and how to avoid them. It might just save their lives.

She started towards the kitchen, shut the back door, then turned and made her footsteps deliberately heavy as she walked back down the hall, trusting Shane would recognize the sound of her gait as well as she could his. She took the gun from her waistband and weighed up her options. Sound would alert the others, make them come faster. Her knife wouldn’t. She could miss her target and shoot Shane in the scuffle. She could get to the other men too late and lose him anyway.

She slipped the knife up her sleeve and counted to three.

The door cracked off the wall as she kicked it open. Shane was parallel to her on the left hand side of the door and her targets were dead in front. She fired once. Shane snapped the second man’s neck before he even realized his comrade had fallen and-

Ava turned on her heel and threw the bag from her shoulder at the new arrival trying to sneak up behind her, using the momentary distraction to buy her enough time to fire two slugs into his chest. A third into the next one’s brain. She heard Shane struggling with his own assailants, turned to aim at them and then-

Arms grabbed at her. She flung her head back, breaking the guys nose with a gruesome crunch before she threw all her weight backwards into his chest, toppling them onto the floor. She was all elbows and knees, struggling in his hold as he sent the gun scattering across the room. He was brutal. So was she.

Her hand scrambled at her left, desperately reaching for something, _anything_ because her knife was too far up her sleeve for her to access, cutting into her as he struggled to restrain her. His other fist was connecting with every part of her body it could, his teeth sinking into her shoulder, her back. Arm across her throat. She had to get out of this. Had to help Shane.

Her fingers closed over one of the cans that had scattered from the bag when she threw it and pounded it back against the side of her attacker’s head. His arms loosened for just a second, but that was all she needed. She rolled to the side onto her knees, ignoring the sharp pain of his nails gouging into her arms while she smashed the can down onto his skull over and over again until his blood was spattered all over her and the metal was too slippery to keep hold of.

Shane was down to one-on-one now, but it was messy and fierce, taking all he had, and Ava crawled towards her Glock, slipping in the pools of blood. Hers and her enemies. She had to help him.

A foot slammed into the middle of Ava’s spine, knocking the wind out of her.

_Too late._

The sound of a safety clicking off was impossibly loud.

“You don’t want to do that,” said an icy voice.

Ava could only watch as Shane instantly froze. He had his combatant stuck in a headlock, was about to break his neck… He looked at Ava with horrified eyes.

“Knew there’d be a bitch involved somehow,” the voice continued. Ava tasted blood as he kicked her in the ribs hard, then her kidneys, then her ribs again before moving his foot to the back of her neck. “Didn’t know she’d be such a wildcat, though.”

“Let her go.” Shane’s voice was calm, but she heard the desperation in every word.

“Is she like that in bed? Bet she’s got claws on her,” the ninth man taunted. “Shall we find out?”

“Don’t you touch her!”

Ava whimpered in pain when the foot pressed down hard enough to start cutting off her air supply.

“You killed seven of my brothers. Think the least you could do is let me fuck your little whore.”

“Shane,” Ava choked out. He looked at her then, really looked at her, and she turned her wrist just enough for him to see the glint of the blade that was poking out from under her sleeve.

“Aww, ain’t that sweet _._ She wants you to help her.” The man mocked her. Mocked them. Ava let him. Slowly worked the knife along her sleeve. “Well, _Shane…_ Looks like you got a choice to make. Let my brother go, and maybe I’ll let you watch as I fuck her tight little ass-”

Shane’s gaze met hers.

She blinked twice through bleary eyes. _Do it._

Shane snapped the man he was holding’s neck as Ava swung her arm up in a wide arc, blindly slashing her blade at whatever she could reach of the man above her. Blood sprayed over her face and the man let out a cry of agony. His gun discharged as he fell backwards, bullet piercing the ceiling above them.

Then there was a flurry of movement. A mess of flailing limbs and blood and weight as all three of them fought to survive. Nails, teeth, fists… A foot collided with Ava’s face, sending her sprawling sideways. Towards her fallen weapon. She scrambled towards it, kicked at the hand that wrapped around her ankle as she grappled for their salvation.

Shane grunted in pain as he was finally overpowered, but then Ava felt cold slippery metal beneath her fingertips and flipped onto her back. Took aim. Fired.

The body toppled off Shane, it’s skull obliterated.

Ava let her head fall back against the floor and panted for breath, sliding the gun back into her waistband as exhaustion and shock and pain kicked in all at once.

“Ava?” Shane rasped.

“Yeah,” she croaked. She forced her body into motion and rolled onto her hands and knees with a groan. “I’m good.”

“G-Good… That’s… good…”

Ava crawled towards Shane and shoved at the corpse that pinned his legs.

“Ava…”

“I got it,” she panted, grunting with the exertion of shifting dead weight with a broken body.

Shane’s hand wrapped around her wrist. “Ava.”

She looked up at him, ready to chastise his stubbornness, only to have all the air rush out her lungs at once.

Shane swallowed thickly. Bloodily. “Darlin’…”

“No.”

Ava’s hands shook as they reached out… hovered over his chest.

“No…”

A knife.

“No!”

Inside his chest.

Ava pulled her shirt over her head and pushed it hard around the wound.

Red. Red. Everything was red.

“Can’t pull it out. You’ll bleed out. I gotta… You’re bleeding out, you’re… I gotta… I gotta…”

“Ava.” Blood slick fingers touched her face. “It’s okay. You’re safe. S’what… S’what matters.”

_No. It’s not._

“I gotta go get-”

“Ava.”

A wail ripped itself from her chest and her cheeks were soaked. In blood? In water? Did it even matter?

“Shane, what do I do?” Her hands trembled so violently, it was hard to keep pressure on the wound. “Shane… What do I _do_?”

“You need to go,” he croaked. Spat out blood. “Before they turn.”

“Yes. Yes, we should… I should…” She started to push herself to her feet, but her legs wouldn’t work right. “I can- I can- I can pull you out… get to the car… we can… we…”

“ _Ava._ ” He tugged weakly on her wrists, and she all but fell back to his side.

Ava let out a sob as she crushed her lips to his, tasting copper and salt and despair and _oh, my God, she was losing him._

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “You’re gonna be okay.”

“Sunset.”

“No.” Ava shook her head violently and pressed down around the wound again. “No, don’t you say that.”

“Had to happen… sometime… right?”

“No.” Ava dragged herself over to the bag by the door and grabbed the blankets she’d had the foresight to throw in there, then forced them down around the knife tightly like a compression bandage and a stabilizing mechanism in one. Tried not to flinch when red blossomed over the fabric. “Fuck you, Shane. You’re not doing this. You don’t get to do this to me.”

“Ava…

“I said no,” she snapped. “This is not how this happens. We are getting out of here and you are not giving up on me. Say it.”

“I…”

Ava swept his damp hair from his forehead and stared him down. “You cannot do this to me. Not now. Not like this. You have to try.”

“Princess-”

“ _Promise_ me, Shane, or I swear to Christ…” She pressed her forehead to his. “Swear you’re gonna try and stay alive, or I’ll kill us both right now.”

Shane nodded weakly. “Pr-Promise.”

Ava keened and kissed him hard.

_He’s bleeding out he’s gonna die he has to live Ava he’s gotta make it I can’t do this I can’t do this on my own I don’t know what to do help me please someone please I don’t know how to do this I don’t want to be in this world if he’s not in it I don’t want to do this please don’t make me do this on my own please please please…_

Ava sat upright. Wiped her tears away with the back of her wrist. Looked away from her patient’s face.

Pressure on the wound. Control the bleeding. Keep them awake. Don’t let them go into shock. Keep them warm. Stabilize the knife. Don’t let air get into the chest or it’ll collapse the lung. Get somewhere safe. Get help.

She grabbed the final blanket and rolled it up. Looped it over his chest and under his armpits. Stood beside his head. Grabbed the ends of the blanket and hauled him partially off the floor so she could drag him along.

Her arms shook. Her ribs hurt. Her legs ached. Her head spun.

_Get somewhere safe. Keep him awake. Get to the fucking car._

“Shane, talk to me.”

“Mm…”

She snarled. “Shane!”

“M’here.”

A groan sounded as Ava dragged Shane over the body she’d shot in the chest. Her gun was drawn and its brains were splattered against the floor before she’d even consciously thought to shoot.

“You’re gonna be fine.”

Down the hallway.

_Don’t stop. Keep going. You can do this. You can save him. He’s going to be okay._

She stumbled and Shane grunted.

She was tired. God, she was so tired.

Kitchen.

_You’re not gonna make it you’re killing him he won’t survive this you’re gonna fail him you can’t fix this he is going to die and you can’t stop this one you couldn’t stop Joseph or Daddy why would you ever think-_

“Come on. You son of a bitch. You are not leaving me, too.”

Back door. Down the step. Over the grass.

“Almost there. We’re almost there. Shane?”

Silence. A sob. Panic.

 _No. Control it_.

“Shane!”

“S’alright. M’here.”

She opened the rear door of the Hyundai and propped him upright against the frame.

“We’re here. I got you.”

She ran around to the other side of the car and crawled over the back seat. Grabbed the edges of the blanket.

“M’gonna need you to push with your legs for me,” she panted. “On three. One… Two…”

Shane cried out and so did she.

“Come on! Please! Come on!”

She hauled him backwards onto the seat, blanket slipping between her fingers because there was so much blood, and she turned him on his side best she could before sprinting back around to the other side of the car and pushing his legs in.

She skidded on the grass in her haste to get into the driver’s seat, rolling her ankle in the process.

_Come on. You can do this. Almost there. Almost there._

Her fingers fumbled for the ignition. She slammed her hand against the steering wheel in frustration when it wouldn’t turn.

_Calm down. Focus._

On her third try, the engine started.

The tires screamed. The car plowed through the metal fence between the gap in the wooden spikes.

“Stay with me, Shane.”

A groan.

“Stay with me.”

There was only one place she knew of that might still have a doctor.

She just hoped they’d let them through the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have faith xx


	10. Take Me To Church

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, shit got real last chapter, but have no fear!
> 
> This is where canon and Ava's story start to line up, but it won't follow exactly (because that would be boring)!
> 
> Hope you like! xx

_Idealism sits in prison. Chivalry fell on its sword._

_Innocence died screaming, honey. Ask me – I should know._

_I slithered here from Eden just to sit outside your door._

“Come on. Come on.”

Ava glanced in the rear-view mirror to Shane, who was pale and unconscious.

_Or dead._

“Where the fuck is it…”

She took a left turn down a dirt road, sending rocks and grit flying in her wake.

“Almost there, Shane. We’re almost there.”

And then she saw the fences.

_Yes. Yes. Come on. So close._

The security gates were in sight, now, and Ava could barely keep the car in the road. Fear, pain, anxiety, grief… whatever it was, it blurred her vision and made her head swim, but she kept going.

She saw people – living, breathing people. One in the guard tower. Two by the gate.

The car skidded to a stop at the boundary and Ava almost fell out of it in her haste to open the door. Her ankle buckled beneath her again, sending her sprawling against the side of the Hyundai.

“RICK!” she screamed. “RICK!”

She stumbled to the gate and rattled the fencing desperately.

“OPEN THE GATE!”

The figures just stood there, eyeing her wrecked appearance.

“PLEASE!”

She was sobbing, screaming, shaking, weeping…

She didn’t care about the walkers nearby, drawn to the ruckus. She didn’t care that being vulnerable out there could get her killed. That they might shoot her on sight. If they didn’t let them in in the next minute, it’d be too late anyway.

She didn’t care. She didn’t care.

“OPEN THE FUCKING GATE!”

“HEY! Hush up!”

Finally. Finally.

A man with a crossbow emerged.

“Please! Please, you gotta help me! Please!” She scrambled to remember the things Shane had told her about them all. _Crossbow… Crossbow…_ “Daryl! Daryl, right?

“Who the Hell’re-”

“You’re part of Rick’s group, right? You’re with Rick?” Ava couldn’t breathe. “Is Hershel, is-is- is he in there? Please, I need him. Please!”

She sagged against the fence, fingers clinging through the chain just to keep upright.

“I-”

“He’s gonna die,” she keened. “He’s gonna die, he’s gonna die, please just… _PLEASE_!”

A smaller figure stepped forward. Cowboy hat.

“CARL?!” Ava wailed. “CARL, PLEASE!”

“Carl, step back-”

“CARL, OPEN THE GATE!” she begged. “PLEASE! IT’S SHANE! YOU GOTTA HELP ME! IT’S SHANE!”

“What did you jus’say?” Daryl snapped.

Ava pulled herself along the fence towards where the boy stood, wide-eyed in shock.

“Carl, please…” She was starting to babble in her desperation, barely able to get the words out fast enough. “Please! It’s Shane and he-he’s gonna die and I can’t stop it. You gotta let me in. Please, you gotta let us in!”

Carl stared at her for a moment, then turned away.

“NO!” Ava screeched. “NO! CARL, PLEASE! I’M BEGGING YOU! CARL!”

Daryl stepped in front of her, blocking the boy from view.

Ava crumpled in a heap at the other side of the fence to Daryl’s feet. She’d failed. She’d almost done it, was so close to saving him, but now…

“Kill me,” she said flatly, resignation taking over. “Just kill me. Please. I can’t do this again. I can’t lose another person I love. Not like this. So please…”

She looked up at Daryl. Saw him recoil at whatever he could see on her face.

“If you’re gonna kill him… Kill me, too.”

The gate rattled. Slid open. Ava lurched to her feet.

She half-ran, half-staggered back to the car and hauled herself in, then drove through the opened gate before Carl could change his mind. The boy ran to unlock the next gate and yelled for someone named Maggie to open the one after it. Ava slammed on the gas and sped across the yard, up the incline in seconds. Both Daryl and Carl were running behind the car, shouting orders Ava couldn’t hear over the pounding in her ears.

As soon as the car was stopped, Ava spilled out of it and staggered around to wrench the rear door open and start pulling at the blanket edges again. They were soaked through, dripping all over the seat, and she had to half wrap them around her wrists just to get a firm enough grip.

“We’re here, you’re okay, you’re okay, come on, hold on, please…” she rambled, but despite the slick that had leaked under him, he was too heavy and her arms were too weak to get him to budge.

“I got it.” Someone, maybe Daryl – she couldn’t tell – eased her out the way and pulled Shane halfway out the car. “Glenn, grab his feet.”

“Oh, my God,” Ava mumbled as they hauled his limp form out the car. He looked half dead. Fragile. Not like Shane at all. “Oh, my God.”

She stumbled after the other men as they carried him into the prison, barely even registering the sensation of Carl helping her along. She knew she was sobbing uncontrollably, but wasn’t able to stop.

“Maggie, get that table! Hershel?! Carol?! We need you!”

Shane was lifted onto a metal table Maggie wheeled over, and Ava tumbled out of Carl’s grip towards his lifeless body and grabbed his bloodied hand.

“Stay with me,” she pleaded. She felt for a pulse but her fingers were too jittery to find one. “Please.”

She was aware of people moving around her. Of someone ripping open Shane’s shirt and inhaling sharply.

“Shane… Open your eyes… Shane…” She was mumbling now, almost incoherent. “Come on, love… Please…”

“Did she just say-”

“Is that-”

“Yeah. It’s him.”

“Holy shit.”

Ava could barely stand, half bent over as she lifted Shane’s hand to her lips.

“You’re gonna be okay, Shane… It’s gonna be okay… Just hold on a little longer…”

Sopping wet blankets were thrown on the floor as blood dripped down off the table.

“Someone should tell Rick.”

“Not yet. He’s… Leave him be.”

Ava drowned their voices out, tried to focus on nothing else except the man lying on that table. She pushed his hair off his face, thumb stroking over his forehead to wipe away the blood she’d smeared there only to make it worse instead.

“Excuse me? Young lady?”

She blinked a few times, then looked up to see an older man with a grim face standing opposite her. His right knee was resting on some sort of bench for balance, and it took her a moment to realize that was because half his leg was missing. His hands were red with blood. Shane’s blood. Like hers.

“I need to know what happened.”

She swallowed thickly. “We were attacked. They-they- I didn’t stop it in time.”

“Does he have any other injuries? Any wounds on his back?”

“I don’t…” Ava swayed on the spot and tried to force her mouth to form words. “No, he… I left the knife in. I thought… I left the knife in ‘cause… ‘Cause he was bleedin’ and…” She shook her head. “No, I don’t think he… I don’t know. I couldn’t check… I…”

“Maggie, do we still have that transfusion kit?”

“I didn’t have time,” Ava mumbled. “I should’ve… but it was so quick, I…”

“I don’t know – maybe?”

“Carol, hand me that gauze.”

“Is it slowing down?”

“How the Hell did they even know where we were?”

“Do you know his blood type?”

It took her several seconds to realize he – _Hershel -_ was talking to her again.

“His blood type?” Ava frowned. “No. I should know that. Why don’t I know that?”

“He’ll bleed out within minutes if we take out that knife. Go into hypovolemic shock.”

“We can’t leave that in there, can we?”

“It’s kept him alive so far, so what if-”

“Maybe Rick’ll know. I can try’n find-”

“O Negative,” Ava blurted. “M-M-My blood’s O Negative. That makes me a universal donor, right? Isn’t that what they say?”

“You’re very weak. I don’t think-”

Ava pushed herself upright and fumbled for a sleeve that wasn’t there. She’d taken her shirt off to staunch the bleeding. _How could she forget that?_

“We ain’t got no other option, Hershel. She’s the only one…”

“I’m not sure this is a good idea.”

“Just do it,” Ava ordered. “Please.”

She lost track of time, after that. Didn’t notice someone guide her into a chair next to the table. Didn’t feel the needle pierce her skin or the blanket that somebody wrapped around her. Didn’t hear Hershel bark orders or the whispered wonderings of _how, why, when, where had he been this whole time?_ She just kept squeezing Shane’s hand.

Gentle fingers pressed something against her elbow.

“Hold this,” she was told.

Ava blinked away the fog and glanced down at her arm, where her fingertips were being held against a gauze pad.

“What- why are you stopping?” She looked at Shane. “He’s too pale.”

“So are you.”

“He needs more,” Ava argued weakly. “Don’t stop. Just… take it all. Whatever he needs.”

“C’mon, be sensible now.”

“No, I- I… I wanna do this for Sh… With Shane.”

“We need to give them space. Let them work.”

“But-”

Her face was tilted upwards. Away from Shane. Kind eyes met hers.

“You need to eat and drink something. Get your strength up a bit. Just in case they need more.”

“I don’t… I…” Ava nodded. “Yeah, okay, let me- let me get some things from the-”

“You’re not going anywhere,” the lady said softly. “You’re in shock, you need to-”

“I don’t want your food, I don’t…”

“Come, now,” the lady coaxed. She peeled Ava’s fingers from Shane’s and tried to help her stand. “That’s it.”

_He needs me he needs me I can’t leave him he has to be okay what do I do he needs me…_

Ava let herself be guided to a metal visitation table a few feet away and sat down, eyes straying over to the scene on the table. She watched Hershel and Maggie work, processing it all slow as molasses in January.

_So much blood he’s bleeding so bad is he breathing he looks so pale he can’t die please be careful please don’t let him die he can’t leave me like this I won’t let him just save him you gotta save him he’s so hurt he must be in so much pain I hope he’s not in pain…_

She swayed slightly, exhaustion and adrenaline finally catching up with her. Her brain was starting to buzz, but her body was sluggish. Responses dulled. Senses haywire.

“Those look painful.”

Ava nodded slowly, cataloguing the bruises, cuts, scratches and swelling across the rest of Shane’s body. They were. They’d drained him, but still he kept going. Kept trying for her, fighting for her life as well as his. “He fought so hard…”

“Not his,” the lady murmured. “Yours.”

Ava looked down at herself. There were deep scratches over her arms, chest and abdomen. Bite marks. Bruises, huge ones on her ribs that made it hard to breathe. Her neck was swollen - she could feel as much when she swallowed. And then there was the blood. A lot of blood. Hers. Shane’s. The men’s.

“You must’ve put up one hell of a fight.”

“Wasn’t enough,” Ava mumbled. “They still- I should’ve stopped it…” Her breathing hitched, but she had no more tears left to shed. “There were too many. I forgot about- about the ninth.”

“There were nine of them? Against two of you?”

“They didn’t see me coming,” Ava rasped. “I should’ve been faster.”

“You brought him here. You gave him his best chance.”

She blinked up at the woman in realization. “You’re Carol.”

The woman’s eyes widened. _Thought so._

“He said-” Ava smiled weakly. “He said you were kind.”

“He told you about us?”

Ava looked up at Carl and nodded, surprised to find him right next to her. “Yeah. All of you. He, uh… he talked about you most of all, though. He missed you. A lot.”

“Where… What-”

“Glenn, not now.”

Ava pushed herself up on shaky legs, which tried to buckle under her weight. She had to start moving again. _Do not stop._ “I should get dressed. He’ll need something clean when he… if he…”

“Easy, now…”

Ava swayed violently, but caught herself on the table’s edge before she had a chance to fall over and sat back down again. _Fuck._

“Tell me what you need – I’ll get it,” Carl offered.

Ava thought about the backseat drenched in blood. Thought about Shane slipping away while she was outside, all because she wanted some new clothes. About how much her body hurt. What choice did she have?

“In the trunk. There’s, um, there’s a black cargo bag. Left. Next to the food.”

Carl nodded, then headed up the stairs. Ava glanced over to Shane’s limp form. The flurry of movement around him had mostly stopped, now. _How much time had passed?_

Hershel was almost done suturing Shane’s wound, his movements sure and practiced. The knife rested on the table in the pool of Shane’s blood. Ava felt nauseous at the sight of it.

“Is he…” The question would barely come out, but she had to know. “Is he gonna…”

“He’s only breathing because you left that blade in,” Hershel told her. “It stopped the worst of the bleeding.”

“He’s too pale, still.” _Far too pale_. “He needs more blood.”

“The knife wasn’t serrated, so the damage wasn’t catastrophic. But, yes, he will need more blood, and soon,” Hershel agreed as he started to wrap the wound with gauze.

“Just say the word,” Ava promised. “I’m ready.”

“I have to warn you, young lady… even if he does make it through there’s still a chance of infection,” Hershel warned. “You should prepare yourself for that. He’s not in the clear yet.”

Ava let her head fall into her hands and tried to remember to breathe. She could handle an infection. They had penicillin in the trunk of the Hyundai as part of their emergency supply stash. They had a shot.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, yet.” He tied the gauze tightly, then reached for the crutches Ava hadn’t noticed before. “There’s no guarantee he’ll make it through the night.”

Ava wiped her hands on her ruined jeans and let out a shaky breath. “He wouldn’t have made it another ten minutes if it wasn’t for you.” She pushed herself to her feet again, a little steadier this time. The fog was starting to clear. “I, uh… I wasn’t even sure we’d make it past the gate. So, thank you, for givin’ us – givin’ _him_ \- a chance.”

She was so fucking tired. Every part of her hurt. But Shane was still breathing, and that was everything.

She just had to keep him that way.

“I know-I know I’ve already asked more of you than is fair, but...” She ran her hand through her hair. “Can we stay here a few hours? Just until he wakes up? I don’t want to move him until I have to.”

Glenn and Daryl looked at each other, then to Maggie and Carol.

“Rick’s not here,” Hershel told her. “We can’t make that decision until he comes back.”

Ava nodded. She’d expected as much. It wasn’t ideal, but she could make it work. “Okay. Okay. That’s fair. I can- I can wait in the car with-”

“You can wait in here,” Carl said from the door. He walked down the stairs and handed her the cargo bag full of clothes and one of the packets of jerky they’d stored in the trunk. “Thought you might need something to eat, so you can donate again.”

Ava’s eyes welled with tears as she took the items and she had to stop herself from hugging him, turning to put the bag on the table behind her instead. “Thank you.”

She rummaged around until she found one of Shane’s brown t-shirts, then pulled it on over her head. It instantly made her feel better, even though the movement aggravated her injuries.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Daryl shift uneasily. “Carl.”

“Dad’s not here right now,” Carl replied. “We let them stay.”

Nobody said anything. Ava left the bag on the table and moved closer to Shane instinctually.

“C’mon, it’s _Shane,_ ” Carl continued. “Not some stranger. He’s one of us.”

“He used to be,” Glenn pointed out. “It’s been what, eight months? A lot’s changed since then.”

A charged pause. There was something Ava was missing. Something important. It put her on edge.

“Y’know what?” She walked back over to the table and heaved the cargo bag over her aching shoulder. “I’ve intruded enough already. I’ll just get outta your hair.”

“No,” Carl insisted, grabbing her arm. Ava couldn’t help but grimace as his fingers dug into the long scratches down it. “You can’t leave.”

Ava knew she couldn’t, knew that moving Shane was the worst thing she could do right then. But she also knew that the tension in the room was there for a reason. Something had happened. Maybe Rick had told them what Shane had done out in that field, or maybe they all knew about Otis and Randall, or maybe it was something else. But there was _something_ going on, and Ava couldn’t risk putting Shane in the middle of it.

“Carl, it’s okay,” Ava lied, forcing a smile as she wriggled out of his grip to stand by Shane’s side again. “I’ll keep him safe.”

“How’d y’know someone would be here?” Daryl cut in. “No way you just stumbled in here accidentally. You knew it was us. Asked for Rick by name.”

Ava sighed. Closed her eyes.

“We found out a few days ago,” she murmured, reaching out to touch Shane’s forearm. Her thumb gently traced a set of finger-shaped bruises. “I knew about the prison already, but when we scouted it out over winter we saw it was over-run. We were finishing a hunt, up by those train tracks? And I, um- I noticed it was clear so we checked and… he realized it was you.”

She swallowed thickly. Everyone’s gaze was on her, and it made her want to squirm.

“A few days ago?” Carl asked, frowning. “He didn’t want to see us?”

“No, that’s not...” Ava looked up and met Daryl’s gaze. Glenn’s. Settled on Shane’s face. “He just didn’t want to impose. Under the circumstances.”

She didn’t offer any more detail about what, exactly, those circumstances were. She didn’t know who knew what about which things, and wasn’t going to risk revealing something that could endanger their already precarious footing.

She had to try. For Shane.

“We aren’t a threat,” she promised quietly. “I wouldn’t have put you in this position if I had any other choice. You have to know that.”

Silence.

Ava kept focusing on Shane, letting the others do whatever they needed to.

“You should eat that jerky,” Hershel said softly after several long moments. “I’ll take more blood from you, then.”

Ava nodded in understanding and gratitude, opening the packet of jerky so she could make a start on it. The sooner Shane received his next donation, the better – they’d be able to move out after that if it all went badly. Which it probably would.

Hershel, Carol and Maggie headed to the right side of the room, through to what Ava could only assume was a cell block, and locked the door behind them. Glenn and Daryl exchanged a look.

“I’ll keep watch,” Carl offered, solving their silent dilemma.

“Carl…”

“I’m staying,” he said more firmly, coming to stand at Shane’s other side.

The man stared at the boy for a long moment, then nodded. As Glenn left to resume his post in the guard tower, Daryl stepped forward to hand Carl a knife and gave him a pointed look.

Ava ran her fingers through Shane’s hair and listened to Daryl’s footsteps as he followed after Glenn and locked the door behind him.

When it was finally just her and Carl, the tightness in Ava’s chest eased ever so slightly.

“Thanks, Kid.”

They were staying.

For now.


	11. Unsteady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me? I hope so!
> 
> Let me know your thoughts in the comments xx

_I was burnin’ up a fever._

_I didn’t care much how long I lived._

_But I swear I thought I dreamed her._

_She never asked me once about the wrong I did._

Time moved very slowly after that, measured only by the expansions and contractions of Shane’s chest as he somehow kept breathing. Together, Ava and Carl managed to change his torn, bloodied shirt out for a cleaner one, careful not to jolt him too badly and risk aggravating his injury. It took longer than it should have done, as Ava’s body quickly started to succumb to its exhaustion and the pain of the previous few hours, but they made it work.

He looked more human, after. More alive. More like Shane.

Ava could barely stomach the thought of the jerky Carl had got for her, but managed to force herself to eat half the packet before the nausea overwhelmed her and she had to stop for fear of vomiting it all back up again. She gave the rest to Carl, figuring he could probably do with some form of food. The boy slowly ate a few pieces before sighing and placing it onto the table besides Shane’s head.

“He needs it more,” was all he said in explanation.

Ava smiled weakly.

With a heaving sigh, she slumped in the chair next to the table and took Shane’s hand in both of hers again, fingers resting over the pulse point at his wrist for reassurance. Carl mirrored her on Shane’s other side, and stared at his once father-figure with an almost dazed look on his face, like he couldn’t believe he was real. Ava could understand that. Shane’s face had been the same when he’d seen the boy for the first time after all those months.

Carl still loved him – she could see it in his eyes. And that gave Ava hope.

“He loves you, too, you know,” Ava told him quietly. “He misses you every day.”

“Then why didn’t he come back?” Carl countered. “If he knew I was here.”

Ava had no idea how to handle that question. “It’s complicated. But I know he would have been with you if he could.”

She knew that like she knew her own name. Shane would have moved Heaven and Earth for that boy, would have given up – _did_ give up – everything to give him a fighting chance at surviving this world and not regret it for a single second. His love for Carl was the reason he’d stayed as long as he had, even after Lori had told him their baby would never truly be his. Shane would do anything for his family, even if it meant sacrificing himself or breaking his own heart, and Carl? Carl was his surrogate son.

“It was my Mom.” Carl mumbled. “Wasn’t it?”

Ava hesitated. It wasn’t her place to be discussing this. She knew Shane’s side of the story, but that was all. She couldn’t speak for anyone else’s motivations, even if she thought she could understand them.

“She told him to stay away.”

“I can’t answer that. It’s not my place.” She couldn’t look at him. “All I can say for sure is that he never wanted to leave you.”

“I know what happened. With him and my Mom,” Carl confessed. “I heard her arguing with Dad about it. It was her fault Dad and Shane… It was her fault we left him behind.”

“I think… I think things were very difficult. For all of you.” Ava shifted uncomfortably. She had no right to try to explain anything that had happened, but didn’t want Carl to think Shane hated him. It was one of the things she knew Shane held the most guilt about, pushing him away at Lori’s behest. “I can’t speak for your Mom, but I think maybe she just wants what she thinks is best for you.”

_Or herself._ But Ava wasn’t going to voice that opinion. It wouldn’t be fair.

Carl looked down and said nothing, expression filled with such a mix of emotion Ava couldn’t even begin to decipher it. She watched him for a few seconds, unsure what to do. She was too tired to be this far out her comfort zone. She could barely keep her eyes open, let alone try to help Carl understand things she was severely underqualified to even begin explaining.

So, she left him be. Counted each rise and fall of Shane’s chest again. Waited for something – anything – to happen. A sign one way or the other. He was still more pale than she would have liked, even though some color had returned to his cheeks. She pressed the back of her hand to his forehead and frowned.

“What’s wrong?” Carl asked.

“He’s a little cold,” Ava mumbled, moving the backs of her fingers to Shane’s cheek. He was slightly clammy, too.

“That’s bad, right?”

“Yeah,” she replied truthfully. She heaved herself to her feet and stumbled to the other end of the table to grab a blanket from the cargo bag, struck once again by how grateful she was that they’d been so paranoid and well prepared for anything even if this situation was never one they’d wanted to be in. “This should help.”

She laid the blanket over his body and tucked it around his legs and torso, leaving the side of his chest wound and one arm loose just in case they needed access quickly. He still needed that blood transfusion, after all, or he could still go into hypovolemic shock - if he wasn’t already. No matter how tired and weak she felt, she could handle it. Her body would just have to get over the stress.

“Should I get Hershel?”

“Please,” Ava replied. “It’s been enough time. He needs that blood.”

Carl nodded and rushed over to the cell block gate to summon Hershel.

Ava carded her fingers through Shane’s hair and bent down to press her lips to his cool forehead. Emotion welled up inside her, threatening to make her break down again. She closed her eyes briefly.

“We’re gonna get through this,” she whispered. “We have to.”

“Young lady?”

Ava straightened up and brushed away a tear from her cheek before clearing her throat and turning to face Hershel and Carol.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Ava confirmed with a quick nod. “Yeah, he needs this.”

Hershel sighed in resignation. “I’d be much happier about this if you’d lie down afterwards.”

“Where?” Ava wondered. _The other side of the room? The floor?_ “I’m not leaving his side.”

Carol gestured to one of the storage cages that lined one side of the room. “We could put one of the single bunk cots in there. It’d be a tight fit, but both of you could maybe squeeze onto it?”

“That would be perfect,” Ava agreed. “But only if it won’t hurt him or put pressure on something or...”

“It would hurt him more if he didn’t have this blood,” Hershel pointed out. “We don’t have the luxury of choice.”

“Alright,” Ava acquiesced. “Let me help you move the c-”

“No,” Carol said firmly. “We’ll do that.”

Ava huffed out a quiet, bitter laugh. They really didn’t want her going in that cell block. She held up her hands in surrender. “Okay.”

Maggie and Carol carried one of the metal framed cots through to the cage, huffing with the exertion of doing it alone while Carl helped Ava wheel the table Shane laid on across the room. Once the cot was pushed up against the wall on one side, the women moved out of the way so Ava could bring the table to a stop right beside it. Nobody made a move to shift Shane across.

Ava felt that uneasiness return, but it only drove her to want to finish things more.

“He’s unconscious, not dead,” Ava reminded them as she shuffled round to the head of the table. “He ain’t exactly a threat.”

With a shake of her head, Ava slipped her arms underneath Shane’s upper body, unsure how she’d manage to get him down onto the cot without further hurting herself or him. After a moment, Maggie let out a soft sigh and moved to grab his feet while Carol helped steady his hips. Ava bit back a sarcastic remark – her frustration was with the situation, not them. Even if they did it hesitantly, they were still helping her, and she wouldn’t dare complain about that.

“Carl, you mind helpin’ push this table out the way for us when we move him?” Ava asked. The boy nodded and moved into position. “On three. One… Two… Three!”

Ava almost fell into the cage wall as they heaved Shane off the table, black spots flooding her vision at the pain and exertion, but she managed to hold it together long enough to settle him in place on the far side of the cot and tuck the blanket round him again. As soon as she was relieved of his weight, she braced her hands on her knees and tried to focus on keeping her breathing steady so she wouldn’t pass out.

Her body was screaming at her, protesting the abuse that had been inflicted on it and the strain of continuing to keep going. She was probably slightly concussed, so the moment she truly stopped and allowed herself to rest would mean lights out for a while, and she had to make sure Shane was safe before she could even entertain the idea of giving in.

“Young lady…”

“I’m good,” Ava mumbled, pushing herself upright again.

“You should let me tend to those wounds before-”

“I’m fine as long as Shane is,” Ava replied, more firmly this time. “The rest can wait until I know he’s gonna be okay. Where do you want me?”

Hershel had her sit on the edge of the bed while he set up the transfusion again. This time, the sharp scratch of the needle being inserted made her hiss as her sensitive skin rebelled against the violation.

“M’alright.” She glanced up at Carl, who was looking at her worriedly. “It’s okay, Bud.”

“Here, drink some water,” Carol told her, pressing a half-empty bottle into her free hand. Ava smiled gratefully and gulped down a few mouthfuls, only to feel that nausea from before return with a vengeance.

Hershel frowned as she swayed on the spot, but she forced herself to drink more water until the bottle was almost empty, not wanting to give him a reason to stop the process before it was time to. He didn’t.

It didn’t take long for the transfusion to complete, but Ava felt the toll of it almost immediately. Her heart was racing and her limbs were weak. She was lightheaded and exhausted. Every movement aggravated some wound or another. But it was worth it to see more color start to return to Shane’s cheeks.

She blinked slowly, then reached out to touch his forehead again. Slightly warmer.

“How long will he be out?” she wondered.

“I can’t say. It all depends on him,” Hershel replied truthfully. “His body’s been through a lot.”

_Hand-to-hand, scrapping, punching, being punched, kicked, wrestling with the ninth man, taking down three others on his own, bleeding out, holding on…_

“Yeah,” she agreed, voice barely audible. Her bottom lip trembled, but she tugged it between her teeth to stop herself.

Hershel placed a hand on top of hers where it was holding a gauze pad over the needle mark. “So has yours.”

_Chokehold, foot on her neck, heavy boots into her spine, kidneys, ribs… scratches, bites, thrown around like a ragdoll, kick to the face…_

Ava felt a tear roll down her cheek. She didn’t want to think about that. Couldn’t think about that.

“When Rick comes back?” she whispered, looking into Hershel’s eyes. “If he says no… I won’t fight it. We’ll leave. I promise. I know Shane’s done some things that’ve hurt you and I’m just a stranger who has no right to ask for anything, but I just… I need him to be okay first.”

Hershel gazed back at her, and she hoped he heard the truth in her statement.

“Please… Can I ask that you give me a fighting chance of making it through this?” she pleaded. “Just hold out until he wakes up and I can get him moving again, and I won’t resist. I’ll take him someplace else.”

Carl stepped forward with a frown on his face. “You can’t just leave.”

“Carl…” Ava looked over to him and smiled tearfully. “I’m not gonna fight with your dad about it if he says no. It’s his decision, not mine, and we’ll respect that. But if we have to leave, I promise we won’t go without saying bye to you first, okay? Shane wouldn’t do that to you. Not again.”

“Dad can’t say no,” the boy insisted. “He can’t just-”

Ava reached out a shaking hand to gently touch the boy’s arm. “Carl, he hasn’t said _anything_ yet. We don’t know if he’ll say yes _or_ no.”

“Then why are you planning to take Shane away?” Carl countered.

“I’m not,” Ava breathed. _Fuck._ She hadn’t thought about the impact their arrival would have on anyone else – she’d been running on adrenaline and the desperation to save Shane’s life. She couldn’t regret bringing him here, but this was exactly why they’d kept their distance - why Shane hadn’t wanted to return. “I’m just tryna do the right thing.”

Carl stared at her for several seconds, then turned his back on her and walked away with Carol hot on his heels.

Ava closed her eyes and tried not to cry. She cleared her throat awkwardly and glanced back over at Hershel. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause-”

“Get some rest, young lady,” Hershel replied, granting them the respite they so desperately needed. “You’ll need your strength.”

“Thank you,” she said softly, smiling gratefully.

Hershel nodded back at her, then he and Maggie headed back towards the cell block to leave her in peace.

Ava let out a shaky breath, then gingerly shifted on the cot until she could lie on her side, facing Shane. Her ribs hated her for it, but she didn’t care, just gently rested her head on his chest and let her fingers slip under the blanket to curl into his clean shirt instead.

Despite how exhausted she was both physically and mentally, she couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes. She didn’t want to, no matter how much she needed to. Instead, she just laid there, counting his breaths again because it was the only thing stopping her from spiraling into a full-on meltdown. She couldn’t think about anything other than the here and now, the rise and fall of his chest, the beating of his heart as it pushed his blood – _her blood_ – around his body. It was the only way she’d make it through the hours until he opened his eyes and told her he was going to be okay himself.

That stubbornness was how she was alerted to the stumbled footsteps of someone from outside before they unlocked the door and entered the room. How she could pull her Glock from her waistband and hide it under the blanket undetected. How she knew to close her eyes and listen intently.

The footsteps came down the concrete steps in a rush, only to stop without warning as a shuddered intake of breath replaced them.

“Is that him?” Rick.

“Yeah.” Daryl.

Ava forced herself to remain still, but slowly moved her finger to the trigger of her gun. She didn’t think she’d need to use it, but she wasn’t risking Shane’s safety. Not for anything.

 A choked sound. “Is he alive?”

“I…”

“Is he alive?!”

 Soft footfall and the click of Hershel’s crutches alerted her to the others’ presence.

“For now.” Hershel.

Someone – probably Rick – seemed to stagger towards the cage, rattling it slightly.

“She brought him in,” Maggie said softly. “I think they’ve been staying together somewhere nearby.”

“I know her,” Rick croaked. “She- She was the one. The herd. She warned us.”

A pregnant pause. Ava kept her eyes closed.

“Told you he’d make it.”

Ava bit her bottom lip hard.

“Carl…” Maggie tried to coax.

“No! We should’ve waited! I told you!”

Rick let out a shaky breath, but didn’t contradict his son.

“They were attacked,” Carol murmured. “Pretty bad. Him _and_ her.”

“Do they know?” Rick rasped. “About- about-”

“No,” Carol assured him. “Nobody’s said anything. We kept them away from the cells while we waited for you.”

“This is your decision, Rick,” Hershel added. “What do you want to do?”

“I-… I-…” Feet started to retreat. “I can’t do this right now. I can’t-”

“Rick!”

Multiple sets of footsteps started at once, and Ava struggled not to flinch, to not give away her awareness. She couldn’t make out what was happening, but after almost a minute of flurried movement and hushed, urgent conversation, Ava heard a lone set of footsteps enter the cage.

She tried to keep her breathing slow and deep, and somehow managed not to react when someone laid a blanket over her body, covering her and Shane.

“Are you awake?” Carl whispered.

Ava kept her eyes closed, but gave him just the smallest nod of her head.

“I’ll wait here,” Carl continued. “In case Dad comes back.”

Ava wanted to tell him not to worry, that Rick wouldn’t do anything, but she couldn’t be sure. Not when she had no idea what had happened over the past few months to make Rick react the way he did.

_Do they know? About…_

“Please don’t leave yet,” the boy murmured, sounding more emotional than he should have. _What was she missing?_ “I need him.”

Ava nodded again. Listened to the kid pull over a chair to stand guard at the entrance to the cage. It shouldn’t have made her feel any safer – there was no way he’d be able to stop Rick if he did decide to do anything – but somehow, it did.

She pressed her lips to Shane’s chest and let sleep take her.


	12. Wildest Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments - love you all! xx

_When my time comes around,_

_Lay me gently in the cold, dark earth._

_No grave can hold my body down._

_I’ll crawl home to her._

_Ava stood in the shower, face to the spray and hair flowing in a soapy waterfall down her back. She was humming something that he vaguely recognized as being on the radio a little while ago, soft and soothing as she washed her hair. Shane leaned on the doorframe, watching her for a minute before stepping forward and climbing into the shower behind her and-_

“Stay with me, Shane.”

_\- she was straddling him, hands on his chest and blue eyes gazing right into his. He ran his hands up and down her back under her t-shirt, no longer tickling her ribs since he had her right where he wanted her now. She rolled her eyes, but leaned down to kiss him anyway, lips soft as anyth-_

“OPEN THE FUCKING GATE!”

_– anything, he couldn’t think of anything else but her when he was inside of her like this, her arms and legs wrapped around him as he held her steady against the bedroom wall. Her fingers threaded through his hair, keeping their foreheads together as she moaned his name, eyes focused on that small sliver of space between their bodies to watch him mo-_

“Shane… Come on, love… Please…”

\- _ve just how he’d shown her, dodging his blows and ducking out the way, getting in a few jabs of her own before bringing the side of his fist against the top of his head like she would a knife in a real situation. He grinned, pleased she’d picked the sequence up so quickly. She wasn’t lacking skill before this – she could hold her own against anyone and anything – but it was good for the both of them to practice in a non-emergency scenario to plan-_

“We’re gonna get through this… We have to.”

_\- a surprise for her, wouldn’t it? He smashed through the display case with the butt of his shotgun and reached inside, careful not to cut himself on the shards of glass. It was perfect. He could imagine how beautiful it would look against her skin, silver glowing on an outdoor tan. A peacock feather. He wasn’t one for typical romance and never had been, but she deserved something nice, and the thought of her wearing something that represented_ them _? It was worth the risk of doubling back to-_

“I need him to be okay, first.”

_\- fall in love with her, but that’s what had happened somewhere along the line. He’d been so wrong to think that was what he’d had with Lori, that the mess they’d made had been healthy for either of them. You don’t destroy the person you love with a constant push-pull mind fuck and then blame them for it. You help them become the best version of themselves just by being there, and you help hold them up if they need it without taking away their agency in the process. That’s what Ava had done. She’d picked up those shattered parts of himself and thrust them back into his own hands, encouraged him to want to glue them back together again, and all without ever expecting anything from him. She didn’t use him or dangle her affection like a carrot to get him to do as she pleased. She was always there for him, without making his heart-_

Ache.

Simmering beneath that aching was pain, though he couldn’t quite process it yet.

He wanted to move, to stretch, to test, but he was hit by that overwhelming exhaustion that told him he’d had his ass handed to him, and handed to him _hard._

His chest hurt worst of all. He was aware he knew why that was, but it just wasn’t coming to him.

_Fuck._

He blearily tried to open his eyes and found one would only go halfway. He winced when he tried to force it wider, which made fiery pain shot across his face.

_Yep, handed to him hard._

He registered warmth pressed against his side, the feel of soft but matted hair under his chin _._ He slowly – so, so slowly – moved his heavy head so he could see out his good eye.

_Ava._

He blinked, struggling to focus. He couldn’t see her face, but he could see the arm she had resting against him, as well as the deep gouges and crusted blood they were littered with.

_He had to save her four men one outside more to come footsteps footsteps that’s Ava she’s coming she knows be ready gun fired snapped neck let’s go get moving save her save her save her gun aimed foot pinning her no this can’t happen it can’t end like this save her save her-_

Shane brought a weak hand up to touch the side of his chest she wasn’t laying on.

He’d been stabbed. He’d been bleeding out.

She’d saved him.

He moved that hand to her hair, stroking over the blood-matted strands with the gentlest touch he could manage, which was more of a clumsy pet than anything.

She was lifting her head in seconds, a shocked gasp escaping from between her lips as she looked up at him with those wide blue eyes he loved so much.

She’d had the shit kicked out of her, too. There was a cut on her forehead and a nasty bruise was swelling the side of her face. Her neck was almost completely purple and there was a sore-looking cut near the corner of her mouth. She had a black, bloodshot eye and a bloody nose that had spilled over her chin… She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Hey, Princess,” he managed to rasp.

Tears immediately started to fall from her eyes as she smiled the saddest yet most relieved smile, one that said ‘I thought you were dead and now you’re not - is this real or am I dreaming?’. The same one he’d never wanted to have to see on her face. She reached up with one hand, but didn’t touch him, almost as if she was scared she’d hurt him even though she never could.

“You’re such an asshole,” she croaked.

Shane gave her a half smile in return and tilted his cheek into her palm, soaking in the feel of her fingertips brushing his skin. “I know.”

She let out a teary laugh, and then she was pushing herself up to kiss him and… Her lips were so soft, despite their state. He’d missed them, though he didn’t understand how or why at first _._

And then he did.

He’d been so sure that was it for him, that he was going to die, that she’d be forced to do what it took to stop him from turning and he’d never wanted that for her. He’d never wanted to put her in that position.

_Swear you’re gonna try and stay alive, or I’ll kill us both right now._

Her lips had been so desperate, so pleading, and he’d soaked it all in, accepting that they would be the last good thing he’d ever feel before he left her.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so-”

“Shut up,” Ava mumbled, kissing him again. “You’re still here. That’s what counts.”

He nodded and tenderly pressed his throbbing forehead to hers. They _both_ were still here, and that was the most important thing. He wasn’t sure how she’d managed it, but she had. She’d gotten the jump on the men first, taken down even more of them than he had, and then she’d managed to get him somewhere safe and save his life. He should’ve known better than to underestimate her and let himself believe, for one second, that she wouldn’t have found a way. She always did.

“What happened?” he asked softly.

Ava bit down on her bottom lip, but barely even reacted to the pain he knew must have spiked from the cut. It was almost as if she wasn’t even aware it was there. He kissed it. Soothed it. Soothed her.

“Ava…” he coaxed. “Talk to me, Darlin’.”

“You were gonna die,” she mumbled. “You… you were gonna die, so I had to.”

“Had to what?”

“Bring you here,” she replied. “It was the only way.”

Shane frowned. “Where? Where are we?”

With a heavy sigh, Ava carefully rolled slightly away from him, allowing him to see their surroundings for the first time. The cage above them, the grey walls, the concrete floors… _Carl_ sleeping in a chair mere feet away.

His heart lurched with every single feeling he’d buried for months, had avoided by resisting the urge to come watch the prison from afar on his walks. All the emotions he’d tried so hard to not let cripple him rose up at once and overwhelmed him.

“ _Oh._ ” The word was punched out of him.

“I had to,” Ava whispered guiltily, even though she had nothing to be guilty for. This wasn’t on her. She hadn’t made this mess. “I didn’t have any other choice.”

Shane couldn’t speak, only nod his understanding.

_Fuck._

_Holy fuck._

“I’m so sorry,” Ava almost whimpered.

“No,” Shane finally managed to rasp. “No, don’t be sorry.”

Not only had she managed to save him - she’d also done the impossible and convinced his old group to let them through the gates. She should never feel sorry for that.

He wasn’t sure how to feel, how to react, what to say, what to do… This was something he’d never imagined happening. He’d been so set on ending it all that night out on the field, on forcing Rick’s hand and making him end his suffering and theirs, that it had been like closing that book for good. Even after Ava had barreled into his life, he had never once genuinely entertained the idea of going back to the old group, back to trying to make his square pieces fit into triangles that would never understand or want him there.

His way of thinking had no longer worked with theirs, if it ever did at all. He had been too frustrated, too headstrong, too independent to constantly be traipsing around after Rick, Lori and the others who weren’t ready to face up to the new reality and were determined to get themselves killed. The total opposite to him and Ava, who were a perfect match in every way no matter how ridiculous it sounded. The thought of _her_ being in the same stratosphere as _them_? It threw his already muddled brain into a tailspin.

“Has Rick… Does Rick…”

_Did he know he was there? Did he even_ want _him there?_

“He, uh…” Ava’s nervous fingers traced random patterns on his chest. “He knows. But I… I don’t know how to read him. Something’s… off.”

Shane nodded. “Right.”

That something was probably the fact Rick thought he was going to kill him last time they spoke. He idly wondered what Rick had told the others and if they’d ever wondered if he’d survived, or if they’d all just thought he was dead. They’d probably all hoped for the latter regardless of what Rick had said.

“Hershel’s agreed we can stay here until you’re able to move again,” Ava told him. “So, how are you feeling?”

He heard her silent question there. _Would you be able to move if it came to it?_

“Like I got stabbed a coupl’a hours ago,” he shrugged off.

Ava shot him an exasperated look. “Shane.”

“I ain’t sure how else to explain it,” Shane defended. “How are _you_ feeling?”

Ava paused, then conceded, “Like I went ten rounds with a herd of walkers and lost.”

“Look like it too,” he teased, just to get the distraught look off her face he’d inadvertently put there.

“Asshole,” Ava muttered, shifting just enough for Shane to catch a glimpse of the chain round her neck. His fingers reached for it, even though the movement pulled painfully at his side.

Ava’s eyes fell shut at the contact and she let out a quiet whine.

“Oh, Darlin’,” Shane breathed, guilt shooting through him. Ava smiled weakly and kissed him again, slow and sweet.

“It’s okay,” she murmured against his lips. “We’re okay.”

“Shane?”

His gut twisted, and emotion pricked at his eyes. He’d never thought he’d hear that voice again.

_Carl._

Without hesitation, Ava cautiously pushed herself up to a seated position, her movements jerky and awkward, then gave Carl a pained but friendly smile.

“Yeah. He’s awake,” she told the boy with a fondness in her eyes he hadn’t expected. _How long had he been out of it?_

Carl was out of his chair and at his side in seconds, and Ava took that as her cue to shift further over, despite how much Shane knew it hurt her. She laid a gentle hand on his leg in a silent promise to not go anywhere, but then Shane had his arms full of Carl and he could barely think or speak because _holy fucking shit_.

“Shane!”

The sudden attack winded him slightly and his ribcage felt like it was on fire, but he didn’t care, didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms tightly around the boy and hug him back like he never wanted to let go. _Never again. Never again._

“Hey, Bud.”

Carl sobbed. A gut-wrenching, agonized, heart-broken sound Shane hadn’t been prepared for.

“Whoa there,” Shane eased. “You’re okay, Carl. You’re okay.”

Carl shook his head and tried to curl up on the cot to get closer. There wasn’t enough room for him, not really, but somehow the three of them managed to squeeze in. Carl was sprawled halfway across his chest, body shaking violently as he cried, while Ava had one hand on Shane’s thigh and the other on Carl’s back, rubbing in soothing motions.

“What happened, Bud?” he murmured. When Carl didn’t respond, he shot Ava a helpless look, which she returned with a lost one of her own.

“Carl?” she consoled. “We’re not going anywhere. It’s okay.”

“M-M-Mom,” the boy whimpered.

“Your Mom?” Ava said softly. “You want me to get your mom?”

A low moan sounded nearby.

Ava’s head whipped round so fast Shane knew it must have really hurt her, and both of them stared at Rick, who was stood by the entrance to the cage looking half-wrecked and completely wild. Worse than he had when Carl had been shot.

Ava scrambled to her feet and positioned herself so that she was between him and Rick, hands out defensively. “Rick…”

“No!” Carl sobbed, clinging onto Shane so tightly it sent electric pain through his body. “No! Don’t make them leave!”

“Easy,” Shane shushed, resting a hand on the back of the boy’s head.

“Carl,” Rick croaked. “Carl.”

Shane looked at Rick, then. Really looked at him.

Their gazes met for just a moment, but it was enough.

Shane closed his eyes and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat.

Lori was dead.

He couldn’t think what else that may have meant. Couldn’t let himself even consider that the ba-… He stroked a shaking hand through Carl’s hair and clenched his jaw against it all.

“He just started crying,” Ava explained nervously. “I swear we never…”

“I know,” Rick rasped.

Shane opened his eyes to see Ava take a step forward, guilt written across her face. “I didn’t mean to cause any tr-”

Rick looked down at the ground. “I know.”

Shane watched Ava’s expression change as the cogs turned in her brain.

He knew the exact moment it dawned on her.

Ava’s hand flew up to cover her mouth as tears filled her eyes. “Oh, Rick…”

Rick closed his eyes and bowed his head as Ava stepped forward. The moment her palm made contact with his shoulder, Shane saw the pained, mournful expression that crossed his face.

“I’m so sorry,” she croaked, and Shane knew she meant it, knew her sorrow wasn’t faked. She’d never met Lori, but she’d lost everything once, too. Almost had again just hours before. She understood that helpless grief better than most.

Rick gave her a jerky nod and opened his eyes, but didn’t look at her.

“You can stay overnight,” he mumbled. “We’ll discuss what we’re going to do after that.”

“Thank you,” Ava gasped. “Thank you so much.”

Rick nodded again, then turned to leave only to stop before he could take a step and whisper something in Ava’s ear. Her eyes widened in shock, but then Rick was walking away with clumsy footsteps and Carl’s quiet whimper caught Shane’s attention again.

“I’m so sorry, Bud,” he murmured. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Ava fell into the chair Carl had abandoned and held her head in her hands, Rick’s words playing on repeat and getting louder and louder each time. She looked over to Shane and Carl, and felt the tears she’d tried not to shed spill down her cheeks before dripping into her lap as Shane tried to console the boy but failed miserably.

Nothing could soothe Carl’s pain, no matter how Ava wished that wasn’t the case. She’d lived that. Twice. Knew the incomprehensible agony of losing a parent would have shredded that kid’s heart into pieces.

And then Shane… Shane, who had been friends with Lori while she’d been married to Rick, then thought he’d fallen in love with her and been hurt so terribly by the things she’d done and said… He’d be hurting too, in his own way. He’d be feeling her loss, even if its depth wasn’t the same as before. And then when he found out about…

The weight of the burden Rick had placed on her shoulders was almost too much to handle, but she forced herself to stand somehow despite her shaking legs and walk away from the cage. Her movements were more akin to a walker’s than a human’s, staggered as they were, but she managed to make it outside towards the Hyundai without falling anyway.

She braced herself against the trunk and bowed her head, unable to process how she was feeling. There were no words that could describe it. She slammed her hands against the vehicle and cried out at the pain that shot up her arms.

Lori was dead. Lori had died. And she was the one who’d have to tell Shane how. She’d have to tell him about… about… and it would wreck him.

She let out a sob and sagged against the Hyundai.

They couldn’t leave, now. They just couldn’t. Not after this. Not when Carl was clinging onto Shane like he was the only thing holding him to the Earth.

Ava let her head hang for a long minute, then pulled herself to her feet again. She popped the trunk and grabbed two of the knives they’d packed, not caring that the prison was supposed to be safe. Better armed and over-the-top than underprepared and caught unawares. She had no appetite, but Shane needed to eat something to keep his strength up, so she grabbed one of the self-heating MRE’s too before heading back inside.

Carl had cried himself to sleep by the time she got back to the cage, and she was grateful for it. Shane had somehow shifted himself half-upright, and the boy was curled up by his legs with his head resting on Shane’s stomach, face troubled even in slumber.

Ava crept forward and quietly pulled the chair over to the side of the cot so she wouldn’t disturb Carl, then made a show of putting the knives under the cot mattress so Shane got the message before readying the MRE. No Meal Ready to Eat would ever have been classed as a luxury before the end of the world, but now they were probably the best things they’d get to eat in a long time. When they’d found the small supply, it had been like hitting the jackpot, but Ava was glad they’d put a few in the car. Shane needed warmth and nutrition, and this would give it to him.

“Ava…”

She handed him the warmed-up meal, unable to look him in the eye.

He didn’t take it. “Darlin’?”

“Eat the food,” Ava told him firmly. Shane took it from her, but she could still sense his gaze burning into her.

“What aren’t you tell-”

“Shane,” Ava stressed. “Just eat the damn food.”

She kept her eyes fixed on the floor while he slowly ate, grimacing each time a noise of pain escaped him, and tried to hold it together.

_Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck._

“Done,” Shane mumbled around a mouthful of food. Ava took the container from him and shoved it under the cot before reaching out for his hand.

She reluctantly met his gaze, and felt the tears return to her eyes as she tried to work out how to say it.

“What?” he urged. “Ava…”

She leaned forwards and kissed him gently, lingering for just a moment to gather her strength.

“Lori died during childbirth,” she eventually whispered, barely audible over the pounding of her heart.

_Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck._

“She said the baby was yours,” she continued, the words spilling out of her in a rush, “and she’d known it from the start.”

Shane was frozen, barely even breathing.

“She had a girl.”

Shane let out a sound she’d never heard before, choked and overwhelmed.

“Shane…” She swallowed hard, hating the lost look in his eyes. “Your daughter’s name is Judith, and she’s in the cell block behind me.”


	13. Nothing Sweeter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight break from the angst now! Hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it! xx

_My babe would never fret none_

_About what my hands and my body done._

_If the Lord don’t forgive me,_

_I’d still have my baby, and my babe would have me._

Ava couldn’t sleep. Her eyes could barely stay open, but even if she gave in and closed them, she knew she would still be just as awake as she was now. Guilt could do that to a person.

She was sat on the floor with her back resting against the cot Shane and Carl were fast asleep on, curled around each other for comfort. Shane’s hand was draped over her shoulder, keeping her close even in slumber, but the weight of it was almost too much for her to bear.

He’d barely uttered two words since she’d told him about the baby. About Judith. His daughter.

She understood why – it was a lot to process, and he was still bound to have been knocked for six after the injuries he’d sustained. Ava definitely was, and hers weren’t nearly as bad. Being back with his old group, finding out about Lori, about the baby, seeing Rick again… it had thrown Ava for a loop as well as him, and she had no idea what to do with herself.

Logically, they couldn’t really leave now, no matter what Rick wanted. Shane wouldn’t leave Judith behind, and Ava wouldn’t let him even if he tried. That little girl was already down a mother – she didn’t deserve to lose a father too. But that was a problem in and of itself. Biology or not, Rick was Judith’s dad as well, and how could they deny him that? How could they deny the baby the chance to have both her fathers there to protect her?

It made her already pounding head feel even worse.

And then there was Carl.

Carl, who had been so strong, so defiant in his defense of Shane, only to break down and sob with the heartache of a child who’d just lost their mother in the most horrific way. Ava had been close to his age when her own mom had died, though under different circumstances. She’d been the one to find her father’s body, to put down her brother in walker form, but what Carl had had to do… She couldn’t even imagine it.

She didn’t know him, not technically, but she felt like she did. She felt like she knew all of them, in a way, but Carl more so than anyone from the stories Shane had told her. He loved that boy so much, and so did she by extension. She felt terrible for barging through and not thinking of any consequence past Shane’s survival, but maybe it would be for the best. Maybe being reunited was what Shane and Carl had needed, and maybe, just maybe, the same held true for Rick and Shane too.

She had no way of knowing for sure.

She didn’t know _anything_ anymore.

Their home had been snatched from them, intruded on and violated by thugs whom she wished she could’ve killed more brutally, more violently, before they’d hurt Shane. She didn’t think she’d be able to go back there now, but regardless of the outcome of the upcoming discussion regarding their stay, she knew she’d have to, either to live there or get supplies to bring here.

Karma was a cruel mistress, and Ava couldn’t help but wonder if _this_ was her retribution for killing those men in her old camp, for choosing her and Joseph’s safety and survival over the needs of others. For ripping their wives’ worlds from them, just like those brutes had almost torn away hers.

In an ideal scenario, none of this would be happening. In an ideal world, they’d never have even stumbled across the prison, Shane would never have gone on that walk, and they’d have continued on as before with nothing to worry about apart from each other and the trials and tribulations that came with living in an uninhabitable world. An ideal world. What a fucking joke that was.

Disaster was bound to strike sometime. Nothing lasted for ever, not in this life.

They’d have to make this work. They had no choice. It was the only way to avoid destroying everything. But if things were the same as they were before Shane left, Ava knew deep down they wouldn’t be able to. If that were the case, things would end bloody, and everybody involved would be ruined by the fallout.

Ava was lost, unsure how she’d fit in the new jigsaw. Her and Shane’s pieces fit together – always had, always would – but as far as the bigger picture went? She had no idea if there was room for their combined pieces to slot into place. What if her presence was too much for Rick? Or Carl, in fact. What if her being around made him feel the loss of his mother even more, as Ava was the one by Shane’s side now? What if, by wanting to help Shane with the baby, they thought she was trying to steal the child from them or replace Lori? What if Shane-

She stopped that thought before it could fully form. That wouldn’t have been fair. Shane wouldn’t cut her out, not deliberately, but if the worst happened, she wouldn’t stand in the way of Shane and his daughter, or Carl. She couldn’t do that to him, even if it meant taking herself out the picture and not interfering. She understood with even more clarity now why Shane had ultimately wanted to take himself out the equation the first night they’d met, and that sequence of events in her head hadn’t even become reality yet.

She was going to drive herself mad if she kept this up.

With a heavy sigh, she slipped out from beneath Shane’s hand and kissed the top of his head, then Carl’s, just because. She padded out the cage and over to the visitation table on the far side of the room, where some of Hershel’s medical supplies laid. She knew she didn’t have any right to help herself to them, but she’d return to their previous house and replace them as soon as it was daylight.

She pulled her borrowed t-shirt over her head with a grimace, pain shooting up her ribs from the boot she’d taken to them. Agony had dulled to a horrendous, all-consuming ache that reached all the way down to her bones, and in some ways that was worse than when the wounds were fresh. The exhaustion she felt was beyond anything she’d felt before, but there’d be no chance of a reprieve, not really. She’d be on edge until things finally settled… assuming they settled at all.

The sound of the cell block door unlocking made her startle, hand reaching to the small of her back for the Glock she’d put back there after Carl had joined them in the cage. She let out a shaky breath when a young blonde girl emerged, looking almost as tired and rattled as she felt. Almost. The girl didn’t look up at her, too focused on hurrying over to one of the supply bags on the visitation table next to Ava’s.

Ava frowned, trying to remember her name. _B… Beatr… Bev… Beth?_

She watched the girl pull a tub of formula out, and felt her gut twist. _The baby._ Ava wanted to move closer, to help Beth – she was sure that was her name now – with feeding the newborn or offer to change a diaper or… She turned away and busied herself with finding the medical supplies she needed to patch herself up.

She couldn’t be the first one to see Shane’s daughter, let alone hold, feed or change her. That was his right. He deserved to be able to do all those things, and it wasn’t her place to act like a parent to his child before he got the chance to himself. That didn’t mean she found it easy to resist the urge, though.

The moment Ava laid eyes on the little girl, she knew she’d fall in love with her. She’d always adored children, but Shane’s baby? She already had a space of her own carved out in Ava’s heart just by existing, the same way Carl did. It was a horrible conflict, feeling attached to children that weren’t hers. She wanted to keep them both safe, to never let anyone or anything hurt them, and yet it wasn’t her job to do any of that. She was just a stranger. She had no right to intrude.

No wonder Shane had been driven half-crazy, being so close to the people he thought of as family but not being able to be with them the way he wanted.

She had even more respect for him than she had before, though she hadn’t thought that possible. It made her love him all the more, understanding that side of him better. He’d come so incredibly far and grown so much, and she could only hope her actions didn’t undo it all.

She listened to Beth unscrew a bottle and tried to focus on gathering what she needed. Suture kit, gauze, alcohol wipes and saline. What she really wanted was a hot shower and a good night’s sleep, but this would have to do for now.

She checked herself over in the dim light for any obvious injuries and cursed under her breath when she found a deep gash in her left arm she hadn’t been aware of before. It was towards the back of her bicep and awkward as hell to reach, but it needed sutures if she didn’t want a nasty scar when it healed and if she waited until Hershel woke up it’d be too late. Her ribs could probably do with strapping up, if the deep purple and red bruising across her sides were anything to go by, and she dreaded to think about how bad the area of her back over her kidneys would look.

She decided to start with the easiest wounds – the bites and scratches that littered her torso. She cleaned them best she could, taking care not to disturb the skin too much, then wrapped some gauze along the length of her left forearm, which had taken the brunt of the damage. Her knife had been hidden in that sleeve, and the gory evidence of it made her cringe.

She was vaguely aware of Beth moving behind her, but kept her mind focused on the task at hand. She splashed some saline solution on her hands to try to wash the blood off, then opened up the suture kit and twisted towards the window to maximize the minimal light coming from it. It’d hurt like a bitch, maybe take three or four of the bastards to sew it securely enough, but at least the sutures would be made using a medical grade curved needle instead of a domestic one. She undid her belt, then folded the leather between her teeth so she could bite down on it against the pain.

Her fingers fumbled with the needle, clumsier than Shane’s had been in the back of that Hyundai, and she had to pause to take a few deep breaths. This was such a stupid idea, and she knew it. Still didn’t change the fact that by the time someone else was awake to help her it’d be too late, though.

She pushed the needle through the right side of the wound, muffled a cry of pain, then pulled it out from under the left side, crossing the thread back over so she could awkwardly loop it round the start point to tie a knot. She spat out the belt and raised her arm towards her mouth just enough for her to grab one end of the thread with her teeth, then pulled the knot tight with her fingers before cutting the thread, thanking God this was on her non-dominant arm.

It was a painful and long process, but she was proud of her handiwork when she was finished. It had gotten the job done, anyway. Everything else still hurt, but not as much as her arm, and she used that pain to ground her and stop her mind wandering into dangerous territory.

At the sound of footsteps, she gingerly tugged Shane’s t-shirt back over her head, not wanting to change into her own clothes just yet, then mumbled a curse when the fabric brushed over the inflamed-feeling skin.

“That was pretty badass.”

Ava looked up to see Daryl gesturing to her arm. She’d have been surprised she hadn’t realized he was watching if she hadn’t known he was a hunter capable of tracking deer for miles.

“I’ll replace what I used,” she promised as she started to tidy up after herself. She felt like she’d been caught doing something bad, even though Daryl’s face hadn’t been unkind. “Once there’s more light, I’m gonna head out ‘n grab some of our stuff, so it won’t be missing long.”

“Ain’t mine,” Daryl pointed out with a nonchalant shrug. “Ain’t my problem ‘less I get in the shit.”

Ava shifted uncomfortably under Daryl’s gaze, not quite sure what to say or do. She couldn’t really get a read on him, not after his initial reluctance to let her through the gate had turned into him carrying Shane into the prison when her arms were too weak to. She knew he and Shane saw eye to eye on some things, but she also was aware that Daryl had started to become Rick’s right hand man when Shane had been pushed out. She had no idea where he stood on the whole ‘ _do we kick Shane out or let him stay?_ ’ front.

“You the one that saved us?” he said quietly after a few moments. “From th’herd?”

“I wouldn’t say saved,” Ava replied, “but I warned Rick, yeah.”

“An’ you been with ’im the whole time?” Daryl probed. He wasn’t intimidating, as such, he just seemed curious, like he couldn’t believe someone would have stuck with Shane that long. Or maybe that Shane would have stuck with someone that long.

“Every day,” Ava answered, then softened her tone so it was less defensive. “Look, I know you probably think he’s an asshole and he’s done a lot of shit nobody liked, but… he’s _my_ asshole, so…”

Daryl huffed out a laugh, corner of his mouth turning upwards as he brought his thumb up to his lips and chewed on the nail.

“Ain’t up to me,” he told her. She knew that was the truth. “But for what it’s worth? We prob’ly owe you our lives.”

“And I owe him mine,” Ava replied simply. “That should count for something.”

Daryl adjusted his crossbow in its position on his shoulder. “Yeah, maybe. Ain’t my place.”

“Yeah, I know,” Ava allowed. She forced herself to inhale a calming breath.  As much as she hated not being in control of the situation and their fates, taking it out on Daryl wasn’t exactly going to help things.

“Look, I gotta go relieve Maggie and Glenn, so…”

“Sure,” Ava mumbled, awkwardly gesturing to the door as he passed her. She watched him leave, even more confused now than before. Rick was definitely the leader, but if nobody else’s opinion counted for anything how did that even work? Maybe it usually did, and this situation was a special one?

She had no idea, and trying to figure out too many variables was making that headache start to reprise its earlier appearance. She huffed out a frustrated breath, then made her way back across the room on stumbling feet, eyes trying to droop closed again thanks to the adrenaline from her sutures wearing off.

Shane’s eyes were open when she reached the cage, sleepy but filled with concern.

“Y’alright?”

Ava nodded, scrubbing a hand over her face. Shane’s gaze followed the movement, and his brow furrowed as he saw the black thread sticking out from the bicep she should have wrapped with gauze.

“Needed sutures,” she explained quietly as she flopped down in her previous position against the cot.

“Y’shoulda waited for me,” Shane chided.

“Didn’t wanna wake you,” Ava muttered, then let out a soft groan as Shane’s fingers threaded through her hair to massage her scalp.

“Headache?” he wondered softly.

Ava nodded slightly before tilting her head back into his touch, tears welling in her eyes at the relief.

“You’re exhausted,” Shane whispered, careful not to wake the still sleeping boy curled up against him.

“Yeah,” Ava admitted. “I can wait a couple hours ‘til Carl wakes up. He needs the rest more than I do right now.”

“Ava …”

“I’ll be okay,” she promised. “Just need to sit down for a minute.”

She let her eyes fall shut and sighed softly, absorbing the feel of his fingertips working over her scalp.

A quiet calm settled over her. They needed to talk about things, she knew that, but neither one of them was ready to yet, and that was okay. They would do it once they weren’t both exhausted with fresh wounds and everything wasn’t so up in the air. For now, she’d just take comfort in knowing he wasn’t pulling away, that he was still there as always.

She didn’t remember falling asleep, but when she opened her eyes again it was brighter and Carl was shifting on the cot behind her head.

Shane’s sleepy voice reached her ears. “It’s okay, Bud, just go back to sleep.”

“No, I’m okay,” the boy replied. “Gotta go check on-”

He cut himself short, and Ava held still, not wanting to alert them to her new state of awareness.

“On your sister?” Shane finished for him, voice cracking slightly.

There was a brief silence, and Ava guessed the two were communicating with something other than words.

“Go on, then,” Shane encouraged croakily. “Go do your big brother thing.”

“Do you… Do you want to come with me?” Carl asked earnestly.

Shane let out a choking sound, and Ava felt her heart break for him, knowing how much he wanted that even though he wouldn’t let himself have it.

“I, uh… I don’t know if that’s…” Shane mumbled weakly.

“Don’t you wanna see her?”

“I do,” Shane replied quickly. “ _God_ , I do, but… It might not be a good idea right now, okay, Bud?”

“‘Cause of Dad?”

Another pause.

“It’s more complicated than that, but I ain’t goin’ in there without his say so, okay?”

“I can bring her out if you like?”

Shane exhaled shakily. Ava could imagine him turning that one over in his head. “Maybe. Yeah. Later.”

Right on cue, the sound of a baby crying echoed from the cell block, and both Ava and Shane tensed up at the sound. She was real. She was there. His daughter was crying.

“Gotta go,” Carl mumbled, then rushed out the cage to grab the tub of formula from the bag Beth had put it back into earlier. His footsteps were loud and urgent, echoing slightly as he ran into the cell block to feed the baby and called out to soothe her. “It’s okay, Judith, I’m coming!”

“Fuck,” Shane muttered. The cot creaked as he moved, rolling onto his back and scrubbing a hand over his face. Ava allowed him a moment, unsure if he’d want to be alone for now. “ _Fuck._ Ava, you awake? _”_

“Yeah,” she whispered, shifting round to face him without hesitation. “You okay?”

His eyes were proof enough he wasn’t, so he didn’t even try to pretend he was. His heart ached with the need to hold the baby, but he knew that would be crossing a line he’d never be able to come back from. As soon as he held her, he’d have no choice but to face reality and that terrified him. Until then, he could almost pretend having a daughter was just an abstract concept, even though it didn’t quite work.

“I dunno,” he admitted. Ava smiled sadly.

“You should try ‘n get some more rest,” Ava told him quietly. “I’m gonna head off soon, go back to the house. We can’t just write off everything we had there.”

“We won’t write it off,” Shane assured her, speaking about more than just their supplies. “But I don’t think it’s such a good idea for you to go alone right now.”

“Shane…”

“You’re dead on your feet, Darlin’,” he pointed out. “Ain’t no way I’m lettin’ you put yourself at risk like that when you’re runnin’ on empty.”

“Shane, I can’t sleep,” she confessed. “I _can’t_ …”

_Can’t leave you unguarded. Can’t risk the nightmares. Can’t afford to stop because I don’t know if I’ll be able to start again afterwards._

“Yeah, you can,” he sighed. “C’mere.”

Despite her reservations, Ava didn’t hesitate to climb onto the cot beside him, rolling onto her side and into his open arms. The mattress was thin, but it was better than cold concrete even if only just. She rested her head on his shoulder and let her hand settle over his heart, feeling it thud rapidly beneath her. She needed this. Needed to feel him close, to remind herself he was warm and safe and alive. She hadn’t even realized how much until now.

He lifted a hand to run his fingers through her hair again and pressed his lips to the top of her head, trying to focus on having her so close instead of the echoing cries of the baby.  She relaxed against him instantly, and he knew it wouldn’t be long until she fell asleep despite what she’d said. She’d told him, once, that her mother used to do it to help settle her when she was a child, and it still worked to this day. It was the only way he’d be able to get her to sleep now.

“Get some rest, Darlin’.”

The familiar sound of his voice was soothing to her ears, and she felt herself giving in. Would it really be so bad, to take a moment?

“Only for a sec,” she mumbled, nuzzling against him. Her eyes were already shut, her body softening and growing heavier by the second.

Shane chuckled quietly. “Yeah, yeah.”

Just as predicted, she drifted off after a minute or two, and Shane let out a sigh of relief. He’d been out of it most the time, but he knew the only times she had allowed herself even a second of rest hadn’t been anywhere near long enough to do much good. The dark circles under her eyes weren’t purely from bruises. The fact she’d sutured that cut on her arm without passing out proved how exhausted she was – her brain hadn’t been able to process the pain right. Same reason she’d been able to move about and sit curled up against the cot like that so long without her body violently protesting.

Ava was wrecked, probably worse than he was, physically and emotionally. He couldn’t imagine how it must’ve felt - how it must still feel - for her to have gone through the trauma of the day before and then end up in no man’s land with him because of his past fuck ups, unable to rest easy or recover. She was the strongest person he knew, but even she had her limits.

After a while he felt himself starting to fade, but resisted. Barely. He knew his body needed rest, that the stab wound he’d had inflicted on him was no joke and needed to be taken seriously, but just like she’d forced herself to stay awake to watch over him, he wanted to keep watch over her. He’d do whatever it took to keep her safe, even if it meant turning his back on his family for a second time. It would rip him apart, tear out his heart, fuck with his head… but he’d do it if he had to.

That didn’t mean he wanted to, though.

“Shane?”

He cursed himself for not having heard Carl’s footsteps approach. Some watchdog he was.

“Shane?”

He turned his head in the boy’s direction and froze.

“She usually naps after her bottle, so I thought…”

One step. Two steps. Three.

A tiny arm waved out from under the blanket.

Shane couldn’t breathe.

He found himself carefully slipping out from under Ava and sitting up against the head of the cot in seconds, numb to the shooting pain in his chest as he moved. His eyes were fixed on the bundle in Carl’s arms, and he was reaching out over Ava’s sleeping form without realizing, all thoughts of why he shouldn’t escaping his head.

As soon as Carl placed her in his arms, his breath came back to him in a rush.

She barely weighed anything, her tiny body squirming at the change in position before settling against his chest with a sigh.

Shane stared at her in awe.

She was beautiful.

Fuck, she was _so_ beautiful. So tiny, so fragile, so…

Her sleepy brown eyes blinked up at him. They matched his.

She was his. He was hers.

“Hey, sweetheart…” He stroked a fingertip down her nose, absently pleased it wasn’t like his mashed up one. Poor thing didn’t deserve that. “Hi, honey…”

Her flailing hand came up by her face and he found himself offering his pinkie finger for her to hold automatically. Her grip was tight, her hand so small it looked almost ridiculous next to his, and he felt his eyes prickle at the sight. She mewled softly, little mouth stretching in the cutest yawn he’d ever seen.

“There you go,” he murmured, bouncing her slightly in his arms just like he had when he’d held Carl the first time all those years ago. It felt natural. Instinctive. Right. “That better, sweetheart?”

Judith’s nose scrunched as her eyes slowly started to fall shut, and Shane knew he was smiling. He couldn’t help it.

“She never goes off that fast,” Carl told him softly. “Usually takes a while.”

“That’s ‘cause I’m here now, ain’t it, honey?” Shane cooed.

“I, uh… I think she likes you.”

“I like _her_ ,” he croaked, unable to tear his eyes off the baby to look at the boy. “Thank you, Carl. You have no idea…”

“You’re her family, too,” Carl said simply. _Fuck, if only it were that simple._ “She deserves to know you. Both of you.” Shane managed to glance down at Ava, who was barely starting to stir. “She’s nice. Good.”

“Yeah.” Shane’s smile turned tender as Ava began to wake up. “Yeah, she is.”

Ava stretched slightly, frowning as her body ached in protest. _Fuck, that hurt._ She slowly fluttered her eyes open and rolled to her left to face Shane, only to gasp in stunned awe and push herself half upright as soon as she saw what – or _who_ – was in his arms.

“Shane…”

He looked so fucking happy.

It wasn’t all wide grins and laughter and joyous shouts. It was quiet, thoughtful, genuine… but no less strong. And when she looked at the bundle of joy – _that saying had never made more sense_ – she understood exactly why.

“Oh, Shane, she’s gorgeous…” Ava reached out to touch the baby, then stopped herself before making contact. She wasn’t hers to touch.

“It’s okay,” Shane encouraged, tilting Judith up slightly to make it easier for Ava to see her. “You can touch her. Right, Carl?”

“Yeah,” the boy replied without hesitation.

Ava bit her bottom lip, then gently stroked over the baby’s hair, marveling in the softness that was unique to a newborn. Her eyes welled. “Wow.”

“Yeah,” Shane agreed. “She’s perfect.”

She was. She really, truly was. Ava felt a tear escape from her eye and leaned her head onto Shane’s shoulder. They couldn’t leave that baby. Not now. Not ever. She was as sure of that as she was of her love for Shane.

“We have to stay,” she breathed, fingertip brushing over the baby’s soft skin. “We have to find a way.”

“Yeah,” Shane croaked. He leaned his cheek against the top of Ava’s head and _stared._ “I know.”

A throat cleared.

Shane tensed.

“It’s time.”

He met Rick’s piercing gaze. He couldn’t read him, had no idea what Rick was thinking as he watched Shane hold his - _their?_ – daughter. He hadn’t heard him approach either, too focused on Judith and how much things had been turned so upside down in the space of twenty-four hours.

“Let’s talk.”


	14. Foreigner's God

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love last chapter!!! I have no words to describe how much it meant to me and how much of a boost it gave me - I've been sick with a stomach bug all weekend and it was the pick me up I desperately needed!
> 
> I hope you like this one just as much - I know a lot of you were dying to know how The Conversation (TM) turned out!

_We don’t miss a thing._

_You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole_

_And convinced yourself that it’s not the reason you don’t see the sun anymore._

“Right up here.”

Glenn followed her instruction, turning the blue pick-up in the direction she’d indicated. Daryl thumped on the roof for a third time, not impressed with Glenn’s less than delicate steering over the bumpy terrain. The two of them had offered to accompany her to the house, probably more to stop her arming herself to the teeth than anything else, but hadn’t spoken to her much during the drive. Daryl couldn’t, to be fair, since he was out on the bed of the truck with his crossbow, but Glenn? Ava very quickly got the impression he wasn’t a big fan of hers. Or Shane’s.

She absently wondered if he’d influenced the decision that had been made or if it that had all been Rick.

Her throat tightened as the house came into view, the metal perimeter panel she’d smashed through clinging to the rest of fence by a thread and swaying in the breeze. It looked peaceful, except for that. No walkers on the exterior spikes. None in the yard. No evidence of what had happened there the day before whatsoever.

“If you, uh…” She coughed to try to dislodge the lump over her vocal chords. “If you pull through here, you’ll avoid the trenches.”

Glenn’s eyebrows rose ever so slightly at the mention of the trenches, and it irked her. As did the way he eyed their spike defense mechanism with disbelief when he pulled up by the back door.

“What, did you think we survived here by dumb luck?” she asked, tone sarcastic and pissy as she shoved open the passenger door of the truck. She didn’t care if she sounded like a bitch. She was too tired for it. “You have no fucking clue how hard we worked for this.”

She dropped out the truck and grabbed her knife from her waistband, preparing for what was to come. Daryl hopped down beside her, crossbow at the ready. If he’d heard her snap at Glenn, he didn’t let it show.

“There’ll be maybe two walkers inside,” she told him. “I’ll call you when it’s clear.”

She headed inside and felt a strange numbness flow over her. She ignored the blood trail that dragged a path down the hall, rusted and widespread. She stepped over the two corpses blocking the front door and entered the other room, careful not to slip in the gore. As predicted, two walkers were feasting on the body of the one who-

She took them down before they even looked up from their meal, but her knife got wedged in the second one’s skull and she struggled to pull it back out. It hadn’t decayed much at only a day old. She stomped on the head and yanked the blade free with a soft slick sound, then wiped it clean on the thing’s clothes before patting them all down for weapons. The first one with a twisted neck had a pistol, and Ava was glad that’d been the one Shane had taken out before the others, who had no weapons.

Except the one who’d had the other gun under the couch and the knife that lay discarded on that table back in the prison.

Ava straightened up and spat on the corpse they’d been feeding on, then turned to find Daryl staring at her from the doorway. He surveyed the scene, then nodded once as she tucked her knife back into her waistband again. He understood.

“C’mon,” she muttered as she approached. “Mattress is upstairs.”

Daryl stepped back to let her pass and revealed Glenn’s stunned face. She ignored it in favor of heading up to the bedroom, not even bothering to question it. The men followed close behind.

She stepped into the bedroom and kicked the body by the door clear of the entrance with a squelching thud before walking over to their dresser and pulling open the top drawer.

“Bag,” she called, hand outstretched. Daryl threw her it and she started shoving the few remaining items of clothing inside before moving over to the bed and grabbing the half empty box of condoms from the bedside table. If the men had any doubts about the nature of her and Shane’s relationship before, they’d have been dispelled by that alone, not to mention the rumpled sheets or discarded bra and panties on the floor from the morning before… well, _before._

She gathered those up as well and chucked them in the bag before slinging it over her shoulder, then picked up their pillows and tucked them under her arm. She stared at the now bare mattress and tried to figure out their best plan of attack to get it down to the truck, refusing to get distracted.

“Here,” Daryl said quietly, offering her one end of a thick fabric bind he’d brought with him from the truck. “Can fold it.”

Ava smiled in thanks, but before she could even put the pillows down to start, Glenn was taking the bind from her.

“You can’t carry it,” he mumbled in explanation when she frowned at him. “Hershel said your ribs…”

Ava nodded in reluctant acceptance and took a step back to give them room. The two men heaved the mattress up from one side and she found herself looking round the bedroom – _their bedroom_ – once more. She felt that lump in her throat return, then quickly left the room and went into the bathroom to grab their toiletries and toothbrushes before heading back downstairs to load them into the front of the truck.

She braced her hands against the door and bowed her head, trying not to let it all get to her.

_“What, exactly, do you want from us?”_

_“Nothing, Rick. We want nothing from you.”_

_“Then why stay? Why not go back?”_

She pushed herself off the truck and returned to the house to hold open the back door while Glenn and Daryl carried the bound mattress to the truck. She heard them heave it onto the back and ran her hand through her hair as she steadied herself. This felt too permanent.

She’d left the spare mattress where it was just in case, but the rest of their clothes? Their medical gear? The crate of MREs they’d buried in the yard? They’d all be unveiled now. No more hiding. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

“H’much else ya got?” Daryl said from behind her.

Ava sighed, then moved over to the sink and opened the cupboard below it that held their medical supplies. “This stuff here, plus a couple cans in that other room but, uh… they’re…”

She shook her head and Daryl nodded in understanding.

“Mind taking them to the truck?” she asked. She suddenly felt all jittery, like her skin was too small for her body. “I gotta get something from outside.”

“Sure,” he muttered, chewing on his thumbnail. Ava nodded gratefully then grabbed the shovel from beside the back door and strode outside.

“You guys had electricity?”

Ava walked past Glenn and roughly cut the blade of the shovel through the barely settled earth near the propane tank to start digging. She considered his question for a moment, then decided not to be rude. “From the propane. Running water, too.”

“How long were you staying here?” Glenn wondered.

“Maybe six months?” Ava replied, feeling that sadness start to weigh on her. She shrugged it off. “Since beginning of Winter, anyway.”

“Was it always just you two?”

“Uh-huh.” Ava huffed out a breath, focusing on ignoring the burn in her ribs and ache in her limbs as she shoveled more dirt away. “Since the farm.”

“So those... people. In the house…”

Ava paused and leaned against the handle, closing her eyes. “What about ‘em?”

“They the first people who found you?”

“Yes.” She resumed her digging until she hit the jackpot, then crouched down to sweep away the little dirt still covering the plastic sheet.

“You really took them down by yourself?” Glenn asked. “You and Shane?”

Ava laughed and shook her head. “Ain’t nobody else gonna do it for us. And before you ask, the spikes and trenches? They’re ours. We made them. We also didn’t take this place from anybody, if that’s what you’re wondering next.”

She hauled the crate from the earth with a grunt, glad the plastic covered them tight. Glenn was staring at her. Analyzing.

Ava sighed.

“Every decision we made to survive? We made those ourselves, too,” she told him, but her tone wasn’t harsh. Just exhausted. “We didn’t hide behind some leader and rely on him to make ‘em for us.”

Glenn said nothing. Ava sighed again.

She clambered to her feet and wrenched the heavy crate off the ground before carrying it over to the truck. She shoved it in the back, keeping the contents covered, then walked over to the propane tanks and disconnected them entirely. She buried them in place of the crates and put the shovel back by the back door. Just in case.

Out the corner of her eye, she spotted the laundry she’d folded in the basket and left outside when… She found herself drawn to the basket and hesitated for just a moment.

_Quarter mile back. Nine of ‘em. Couldn’t shake the tail._

She swallowed hard, then bent down and picked it up, fingers brushing over the final shirt she’d folded at the top. Shane’s shirt.

Glenn was in the truck by the time she came back over and Daryl was sitting beside the mattress in the same position as before, medical supplies in a bag next to his feet. Ava hesitated a moment, then hauled herself into the back with Daryl and sat with her back resting against the folded mattress, the basket of clothes in her lap. She couldn’t stand the thought of being stuck in the cab with Glenn for the journey back to the prison. He probably wasn’t doing it deliberately, but he was trying her nerves and her patience, pushing them to their limits. She didn’t want the Spanish Inquisition again so soon after facing off against Rick.

Daryl stared at her for a moment but didn’t question her decision, just tapped on the roof of the truck to signal for Glenn to drive.

As they pulled away, Ava closed her eyes and let her head tilt back to the mattress. She didn’t want to watch the house fade into the distance. Didn’t want to see the home they’d built disappear. It was already hard enough as it was.

_“The place you were staying… Was it secure?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Would you have left if you hadn’t been attacked?”_

Ava opened her eyes and stared up at the sky, thinking over Rick’s question again. Her answer remained the same as it had been earlier when he’d asked it.

_“Maybe. Depends on the circumstance.”_

Maybe it would have been a herd. Another group of people. A fire from the propane tank. Getting caught out on a run and not being able to make it back. She knew that house couldn’t have been their home forever, but she still felt its loss. So did Shane, even if he hadn’t said it.

_“Would you have come here?” Rick asked. “If you had to leave for any other reason?”_

_Ava looked at Shane, then back to Rick. Their answer was the same as the other’s. “Only if we had no other choice.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Same reason I brought him here this time,” Ava replied. “Because you might help us.”_

_“No.” Rick shook his head and adjusted his weight from one foot to the other. “I meant why only come if you had no other options?”_

_Shane sighed. “Rick-”_

_He held up his hand. “I’m asking her.”_

_And that’s what this was about, wasn’t it? Her. The unknown quantity._

_She kept her head up and eyes locked with Rick’s. “You want honesty or mercy? You can’t have both.”_

_Rick shrugged. “No point basing this on a lie.”_

_Ava considered him for a moment, aware of Shane’s fingertips brushing the back of her knee from where he was sat on the cot behind her. Carl had taken Judith back, which had only succeeding in putting them all even more on edge since she’d started making tiny noises of complaint as soon as she was out of Shane’s arms._

_“Okay. Cards on the table?” Ava let out a steadying sigh._ Fuck it. _“Me? Personally? I wouldn’t’ve chosen to come here because I think the wrong man is in charge, and I don’t want to die needlessly as a result of that.”_

_Rick scoffed, but she kept going._

_“I don’t think any group should be led by one person, especially not one of this size,” she explained, unperturbed by his skepticism. “It doesn’t work and it always ends badly because one man does what thinks he knows is best and nobody steps up to challenge him even when they_ know _he’s wrong.”_

_“Ava,” Shane warned._

_“No,” she replied, sending him a look. “He wants honesty? He’s getting it.”_

Ava grimaced as the truck jolted over a bump in the road, hand reaching out to steady the medical supplies on instinct. Daryl thumped the truck again and muttered another curse under his breath. It made her lips twitch up into a half-smile. They weren’t far from the prison now, and it surprised her all over again how little distance there had been between them this whole time. How huge that space had once felt.

Somehow, that chasm felt even wider, now.

She ran her fingers over the breast pocket of Shane’s shirt, right where his heart would be if he was wearing it. It was still slightly stained, despite her best attempt at scrubbing it clean. She scratched at the mark with her thumbnail.

_“I think that your judgement has been clouded by your heart._ I think _that you want to cling to how the world used to be and the little humanity we have left so badly that it’s made you blind to our new reality. And you know what? I get that.” Ava stepped forward, but not menacingly. Her legs were too weak still for that. “Rick, I get why you don’t wanna give up on the world or the people in it. I was the same. But that hope? It got beat out of me in the first_ month _of this thing. A month that you weren’t here for.”_

_She ran a hand over her hair, a move so reminiscent of the man behind her it made Rick blink twice._

_“You didn’t see it, Rick. You didn’t see how bad it got, how quick everything… You don’t know the half of what those of us still alive went through in those first weeks. You missed that transition, and I envy that.”_

_“I was in a coma,” Rick protested._

_“Yeah,” Ava allowed. “You were. But you know who wasn’t? Who was there from the start and witnessed the world go to shit but still tried to rescue you, then saved your family when he realized you weren’t making it out that hospital?”_

_Rick opened his mouth to speak, but Ava got in there first._

_“Shane. He kept them safe for_ two months. _He helped keep this group safe too, and he never asked for a thank you. Never got one either. Then you showed up, took over, changed things…” She paused, tone softening. “I know about Lori. I know it must’ve killed you, realizing what had happened when you were gone. I won’t make any excuses for that, because it’s not my place and I know you don’t need them. You get that they both thought you were dead and that’s the only reason why they did what they did, otherwise you’d have kicked Shane out as soon as you found out, which I bet was pretty early on.”_

_Rick ducked his head, and she knew she was right._

_“Thing is, Rick… although he got pushed out and lost everything the moment he gained you back? He still kept doing what you should’ve been doing the entire time. He didn’t leave them to save that redneck. He kept them safe from that herd that attacked the quarry.” Her throat burned from overuse and the bruising and her chest was tightening as she forced herself to stay standing, but Ava couldn’t stop now._ Wouldn’t _stop now. “He killed Otis to save your son’s life, just like you would’ve. He also killed the prisoner, which is what_ you _should have done the moment he told you he knew Maggie. Hell, he broke open that barn to save all of you from a bunch of walkers that could easily have killed you all in your sleep when everyone else refused to. And_ you? You _were so wrapped up in doing what_ you _thought was right that you helped Hershel collect even more walkers to add to that captive herd even though you all agreed with Shane that they had to go!”_

_Rick looked stunned, and Ava laughed. It made her ribs twinge._

_“Yeah. I know_ all _of it,” she confirmed bitterly. “He told me everything. Including what I interrupted out on that field. His methods were brutal - and pretty questionable, when I think about it – but he got the job done. Every time. He made the hard calls no one else would and no one_ could _. And you all ridiculed him for it.”_

_Shane’s voice cracked. He hadn’t expected this, though he should have. “Darlin’…”_

_She held up a hand to silence him._

_“And if you wanna start goin’ down the moral route? How many walkers’ve you killed, Rick?” Ava challenged, cocking her head to one side. “Dozens? Maybe nearly a hundred by now? But how many_ people _have you killed? And that count’s gotta include your actions_ and _your inactions.”_

_Rick flinched._

_“’Cause I’ve killed ten,” she told him, unashamedly. “Some of those were necessary and some turned out not to be. Those were my actions. My choices. But let me tell you something, Rick… you wanna know how many people I got killed by failing to act because I was clinging onto humanity? How many deaths my inactions have caused?”_

_Rick couldn’t look at her._

_Her voice didn’t waver. “One.”_

_Shane reached out again but didn’t interrupt. She let it strengthen her._

_“My own brother. He died because I couldn’t bring myself to steal an asthma inhaler from another person after his ran out.” She stepped back into Shane’s touch, trying not to sway on the spot. “My refusal to let someone else die killed the only person I loved in this world. That’s on_ me _. I live with that every day. But you know where we differ, Rick? I_ never _let that happen again. That count stopped at one. Can you say the same?”_

Glenn sounded the horn of the truck once as they approached the prison, startling Ava out of her thoughts. Maggie unlocked the gate and slid it open to let them in, then re-secured it before moving onto the next one. Ava rolled her shoulders and cricked her neck to try and rid herself of the ache. It was never going to work, but at least she’d tried.

They pulled up the incline to the final set of gates, which were unlocked by Rick. Ava didn’t look at him as they passed but knew his eyes were on her. She shook it off and hopped out of the truck once it had slowed enough, then automatically extended a hand to help Daryl do the same. He hesitated, then took it anyway and let her help him out the truck.

Ava tucked her hair behind her ears and surveyed their haul. It would take a few trips, but she could do it herself. But then Daryl was reaching in for the crate of MRE’s and even Glenn was bringing the bag out the front of the truck and Ava didn’t know what to do.

_“I’m not saying all of this to kick you while you’re down, and I’m definitely not saying it because I’m in love with Shane. I’m saying it_ despite _that,” Ava said softly. “He stuck by you and followed you in the beginning because you’re like a brother to him, and if you told him to do_ anything _right now in order to stay here, he’d do it. Because he loves Carl and he loves his daughter, and he would never take them away from you, not like Lori did, even if it means he has to compromise on everything that matters to him. He’d never say any of what I just did after what happened in that field. This is me talking, not him.”_

_She stepped away from Shane, steady in herself now more than ever before._

_“I don’t think I can live under the dictatorship of a man like you. I could never be the type to just go along with things because it’s easier than the alternative. I would challenge you. I would criticize you. I would call you out on every shitty decision without hesitation or tact, and you would hate that. And that’s fine. I know you’re not ready to hear any of it.” She stood strong, unwavering, making Rick listen to her. Hear what she was saying. Her body would have to behave until she was done. “I won’t ask you to change, even though I think it’s past time you did. All I ask is that you accept that until you wise up, you will not have my respect or trust. You are not my leader, and I will not let you get me, Shane, Carl or Judith killed because you can’t see the world for what it really is. I do not care if you have to become my number eleven for that to happen. Our survival comes first. Your_ children’s _survival comes first.”_

_Rick stared at her for several long moments, the tension in the air more of a cage than the wire mesh around them could ever be. Ava felt herself start flagging, knees wavering slightly until she shifted her weight to her other side._

Ava ran her hand over her head as she watched Glenn swing the bag over his shoulder and grab the basket of laundry out the back of the truck. They were being nice, helping her sort things out, and she felt guilty for being so snappy with them. “I can-”

“No chance,” Daryl interjected. “Where’d’ya want all this?”

_“So, you want Shane to take control?”_

_Shane chuckled under his breath and shook his head._

_“Hell no,” Ava replied truthfully. “He’s impulsive, maybe even slightly reckless, especially when it comes to keeping the people he loves safe. He does the right thing, but sometimes in the wrong way. Besides, he wouldn’t actually want to be in control, anyway.”_

_Rick threw his hands up in exasperation. “Then what do you suggest?”_

“They’re staying in Cell Block D,” Rick answered for her. Daryl blinked, shooting a glance at Ava, who gave him a small smile.

“Our choice,” she confirmed in answer to his silent question. “It’s for the best.”

_“I’m the outsider here - I don’t exactly have the right to suggest anything,” she said simply. “But for what it’s worth? The two of you always made a good team when you actually listened to each other. For now, though, maybe we just try co-existing. We can move to another cell block if that’s what it’s gonna take, but your boy and that baby deserve to have both of you around. You know that. It’s why you didn’t kick us out the moment you saw him holding Judith. There’s no point sending us back only for us to return every day to see them.”_

_Rick didn’t try to deny it, just looked over to Shane, who was sitting silently behind her still._

_“Do we have an agreement?” Ava probed. She took a shaky step back towards Shane. “Because, not gonna lie, I think I’m gonna pass out if I try and stand up much longer and you don’t look much better yourself.”_

It didn’t take long to get all their belongings moved into Cell Block D. Glenn and Daryl pushed together two single cot frames and laid the mattress on top of them to make a double bed, almost taking up the entire cell with its width. Ava organized their clothes in the next bunk along but kept their MRE crate below their bed for safe keeping. It was overprotective and over-cautious, but she didn’t give a fuck. Better safe than sorry.

Once they were done, they headed back towards visitation room, but Rick stopped her with a gentle hand and held out a set of keys.

“This one is for your block,” he explained, showing the correct one. “This one’s for the gate to the visitation hall, then the outer door…”

Ava nodded in understanding, reaching out to take them. Rick hesitated, then selected out another key.

“This is for our block.”

She met his gaze.

“If we’re going to co-exist, we have to start somewhere, right?”

Ava took the ring of keys from him and gave him a small but genuine smile. “Yeah. Guess we do.”

Rick nodded once, then let her pass him to enter the visitation room.

Shane was standing, despite Hershel’s warning, but Ava couldn’t stop herself from beaming at the sight.

He was feeding Judith, gently swaying from side to side as he gazed down at her with such wonder it made Ava’s chest swell with affection.

“There you go, sweetheart,” he cooed. “There’s a good girl.”

“She’s got a healthy appetite on her,” Ava said softly as she approached.

“Daryl’s been callin’ her Lil Ass Kicker, apparently,” Shane replied, turning to face her. He looked so different, somehow, like a weight had been lifted. Ava knew the decision to stay had been the right one. “I can see why. She’s gonna grow up real strong.”

“Course she is,” Ava murmured, stroking over Judith’s soft hair. “You’re gonna show ‘em who’s boss, aren’t ya, Pumpkin?”

Shane smiled and gestured towards the baby with his head. “You wanna…?”

“Oh.” Ava blinked. “No, um… I don’t wanna disturb her.”

“I’m sure she won’t mind,” Shane assured her, but the moment he lifted her away from his chest she moaned in protest and he smiled sheepishly.

“Told ya,” Ava teased. “She knows what she wants.”

Judith made a happy sound around her bottle as Shane returned her to his chest and Ava couldn’t help but stroke a fingertip over the back of the baby’s hand.

“Ain’t that right, Pumpkin?” she cooed. “You like your Daddy, don’t ya?”

Shane looked at her, then, like what she’d said was completely alien to him. Perhaps it was.

She met his gaze and smiled, hoping he’d see how pleased she was for him, how much love she had in her heart for not only him but his family, too.

He leaned in and kissed her slowly, sweetly, telling her without words that he did.


	15. Rockabye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did someone ask for more fluff and smut?
> 
> *throws chapter into the air*
> 
> Happy Late Valentine's Day! xx

_When I was kissing on my baby_

_And she put her love down soft and sweet_

_In the low lamp light I was free_

_Heaven and Hell were words to me._

The cell block was quiet. Ava’s breathing echoed in the vast space, making her feel more alone than she’d thought possible even with Shane’s steady breaths behind her. He was lying on his good side with an arm slung over her waist, holding her tight in his sleep as his lips grazed her shoulder with every exhale.

She’d given him some stronger pain killers now that they had their medical supplies available, and it had sent him off to sleep easily despite his attempts at staying awake. He’d exhausted himself splitting his time between holding Judith as much as possible and touching Ava in one way or another. A hand on her lower back. A kiss to her temple. Fingers gently stroking her forearm over the gauze.

Everyone had stayed in Cell Block C, out of sight, but Ava had known they were keeping a watchful eye on the two of them, especially Shane. Carl hadn’t shied away, though, unafraid of either of them and desperate to be around his baby sister. It was clear he absolutely adored her, and Ava was glad – it could have gone the other way, considering the circumstances surrounding her birth. He’d even been the one to pick out her name, she’d discovered.

That was why the sound of footsteps that weren’t Carl’s confused her.

She heard a girl’s voice murmuring alongside Judith’s mewls of discomfort and quickly climbed out of bed, leaving Shane fast asleep behind her. She held the top of her sleep shirt – _Shane’s shirt_ – closed, having popped the buttons off during a particularly energetic romp a few weeks earlier, and padded over to the cell block door with the keys in her hand.

Beth emerged from the shadows with a desperate expression on her face that had Ava unlocking the door within seconds.

“I’m sorry,” the girl sputtered as Judith started to sniffle. “I can’t get her to settle, she won’t- I tried-”

Ava reached out and took the baby from Beth’s arms, cradling her against her chest and bouncing her gently. “It’s alright, Little One. It’s alright…”

Beth let out a tired sigh which told Ava she’d been in a state for a while and wordlessly offered her the bag of baby supplies Ava knew contained Judith’s bottle and diapers. Ava stared at her, shocked that not only had Beth come to them, but that she also wanted to leave Judith in their care.

“Can you…” Beth pleaded hesitantly. “Would you mind…”

“Of course,” Ava replied, taking the bag and slinging it over her shoulder. Judith moaned in protest as the movement jostled her. “You get some rest, I’ll see if I can get her to settle.”

Beth nodded, then stroked over Judith’s hair once before stumbling back towards Cell Block C like a mother finally being told she could get some sleep after weeks of being up all night with a newborn. Perhaps that’s how it felt to her. She’d definitely been up the night before with Judith too.

It made Ava wonder why Rick wasn’t the one looking after the baby, but she filed that thought away for another time and turned her focus to the little one in her arms who was threatening to cry.

“Hey, Pumpkin,” Ava murmured, rocking her from side to side. “You’re alright, honey, I got you.”

She locked the cell block door and made her way back into their ‘bedroom’, noting how deeply asleep Shane still was despite the ruckus. He hadn’t even stirred. Ava smiled fondly, then sat on the edge of the bed and kept mumbling to Judith as she opened the bag one-handed and grabbed the premade bottle.

“You hungry, baby?” Ava shook the bottle, then gently nudged Judith’s trembling lips with the teat, testing the waters. Judith latched on instantly, little hands reaching up to curl against the sides of the bottle as she guzzled down the formula hungrily.

“There you go,” Ava cooed. “It’s ‘cause this shirt smells like Daddy, isn’t it? Yeah? You feel better now?”

Judith didn’t answer – of course she didn’t – but her eyes started to droop and Ava found herself smiling tenderly down at her. She was so small and delicate, yet sturdy like newborns had to be. She was a survivor, a fighter, and it made a wave of pride pass over Ava. That baby was born ready to face the world.

“There’s a good girl,” she whispered, watching the amount of liquid slowly go down. “Need food, don’tcha? Gonna make you grow up strong like your Daddy. Like your big brother, too.”

After several minutes, Judith grumbled and slowed her feeding, and Ava instinctually reached for the muslin square in the bag Beth had given her. She carefully lifted Judith up against her chest, half over her shoulder as she firmly rubbed the baby’s back in circles to encourage her to burp. Judith hiccupped, face rubbing against the cloth as she turned her head towards Ava.

“That better, Pumpkin?” Ava murmured, switching to gentle pats now. “Y’gotta let it out - don’t wanna hurt your tummy.”

Judith burped softly and Ava grinned.

“Good girl!”

She shifted Judith back to her previous position and offered her the rest of the bottle, which she drank without fuss. Ava was mesmerized by her, chest swelling with such adoration it was almost too much to handle. Somehow, in all the death and chaos and desperation of this new world, life still found its way through the cracks. Judith was proof of that. Lil’ Asskicker indeed.

When the bottle was finished, Ava lifted Judith over her shoulder again and settled into a rhythm of gentle pats and firm rubs, but it didn’t work as well as before and Judith made her protests known.

“What’s up, Pumpkin?” Ava cooed. “That not working so well for ya now?”

Ava stood up and gently started to bounce on her feet, trying not to jostle Judith too much as she tried to figure out what would work best. She started to take slow steps, swaying slightly from side to side as she kept her motions on the baby’s back going, and Judith’s face eventually began to relax, no longer screwed up in discomfort.

“There we go,” Ava sighed. “That’s much better.”

Judith burped in agreement.

Ava laughed quietly and smiled, not stopping her gentle movements in the hopes of getting the baby to sleep. Judith yawned, brushing her face over the muslin cloth again, and Ava got an idea. She carefully shifted the infant towards the center of her chest, letting Judith rest half on the bare skin exposed by the unbuttoned fabric and half on Shane’s shirt, remembering how the baby she used to look after to help out a friend had preferred sleeping on bare skin over clothes.

Judith’s fist curled up around Ava’s peacock feather pendant as she sighed quietly, finally starting to settle now she was more comfortable.

“You like that?” Ava mumbled, looking down at the baby’s hand. “Your Daddy got me that.”

Judith yawned again but her eyes remained open, a perfect replica of the brown ones Ava had seen every day for months. Ava smiled, carrying the baby out into the cell block so she wouldn’t disturb Shane with her babbling. She kept her subtle motions going, but Judith still stayed awake even though she wasn’t crying or grumbling anymore.

“What’s it gonna take to get you to sleep, huh, Pumpkin?” Ava wondered. “I can’t wake Daddy up yet. He needs his sleep, Little One, and so do you.”

Ava rubbed a hand over Judith’s back, ignoring the ache in her ribs that was flaring up from carrying an eight-pound baby against them. She began humming quietly to herself, a tune she’d picked up from her mom years ago, and after a minute or so Judith’s eyes started to fall shut.

“Oh, I get it,” Ava soothed. “You want a lullaby? S’that what you need?”

Testing her theory, she stayed quiet for a few moments, only for Judith to start fussing, little brows furrowing in displeasure almost instantly. Ava smiled and nuzzled against the top of the baby’s hair as she started to sing, voice slow and soft.

“ _Ooh, love. No-one’s ever gonna hurt you, love. I’m gonna give you all of my love. Nobody matters like you._ ” Her voice cracked slightly at the memory of auburn waves that matched her own dancing around a beautiful smiling face. “ _Your life ain’t gon’ be nothin’ like my life. You’re gonna grow and have a good life. I’m gonna do what I got to do.”_

Judith’s eyes had drifted closed, tiny face relaxing in her sleep.

 _“So rockabye baby, rockabye. I’m gonna rock you,_ ” Ava sung, still swaying even though the newborn was no longer awake. “ _Rockabye baby, don’t you cry. Rockabye._ ”

She switched to humming quietly, inhaling that sweet baby smell of Judith’s hair as she slowly made her way back towards the cell, ribs too painful to ignore any longer. She pulled the door back across behind her and locked it, just in case, then turned to find Shane staring at her from his spot on the bed, expression soft and fond. He’d heard her.

Ava waved at him a little sheepishly, then slowly sat down on the bed beside him before propping a pillow behind her so she’d be able to lie half-upright on her back without disturbing Judith too much. Shane opened his mouth to speak, but the newborn snuffled, curling into Ava’s chest more, and Ava was quick bring one finger to her lips to silently shush him before rubbing a soothing hand over Judith’s back to settle her again.

After a minute or so, Ava carefully twisted round and laid down against the pillows, legs swinging up gracelessly onto the mattress so her feet could plant themselves flat and her knees could bend slightly to make sure Judith couldn’t slide down from her position. She pressed a kiss to Judith’s hair and the baby gave a little half-smile as she turned her face in Shane’s direction, eyes still screwed shut.

Shane sighed quietly, then let his fingers lace with Ava’s on the baby’s back as he carefully shifted closer. He shook his head slightly in a mixture of awe and disbelief as he watched the two of his girls together properly for the first time, taking in the soft adoration on Ava’s face and the peace on his daughter’s.

Ava tore her eyes away from Judith and reached up with her free hand to stroke the backs of her fingers down the side of Shane’s face, smiling tenderly at him. He turned his head slightly to kiss her knuckles, then gazed at his sleeping daughter again. He couldn’t get enough of her now they were finally together, that she was real and here and perfect.

“You want her?” Ava whispered, barely audible. Shane shook his head.

“Think she’s happy where she is,” he replied.

Ava smiled and kissed the top of Judith’s head again, sure she could become addicted to the scent of her. She was happy where she was, too.

Shane watched her for a moment, thinking a question over in his head. “That song…”

Ava closed her eyes and took another steadying breath of baby and new and safe and warm and…

“My mom sung that to Joseph every night until she died,” she murmured, stroking her thumb over the top of Judith’s back. “He was eight, but he couldn’t sleep without it. And then, uh… well, he never really slept right after that.”

“It’s beautiful,” Shane whispered. Ava was glad he didn’t apologize or try to comfort her other than that. It would only make her cry, and she didn’t want that.

“You shoulda heard my mom sing it,” she sighed wistfully. “She had the most amazing voice.”

Shane kissed the top of her shoulder tenderly and Ava leaned her head onto his, soaking in the touch. It had felt right, singing that song to Judith. She couldn’t bring herself to feel sad because of it.

“Think they’ll let us keep her ‘til morning?” she breathed. “I don’t wanna move her yet.”

“Who dropped her off?” Shane wondered.

“Beth,” Ava told him. “Think she’s the one who, um…”

“Who looks after her,” he finished for her.

“Yeah,” she sighed. “I mean, I think they all do, just… some more than others. Makes sense, kinda… they gotta keep watch and stuff and I guess Beth’s probably an obvious choice being so young. Takes a village, they say.”

“Yeah.”

Ava sighed softly, gazing down at the newborn on her chest. “It’s gonna be tough, separated like this.”

“We ain’t far,” Shane reminded her. “Plus, Rick’s her… Rick deserves to see her, too.”

Ava nodded, then nuzzled the top of Judith’s head. “Everyone wants a piece of you, don’t they, Pumpkin? Yeah, they do. You’re so scrummy.”

Shane smiled fondly.

“You’re good with her,” he murmured. “I like… I like it.”

Ava’s eyes fell shut and a lump rose in her throat. She liked it, too.

They didn’t speak much after that, both of them dozing in and out but never fully falling asleep, aware of the tiny baby through some parental instinct that seemed to kick in without them noticing. Ava wasn’t exactly comfortable half-propped up like she was, but the warmth and comforting weight of Judith on her chest and Shane at her side more than made up for it.

When the morning light slowly broke a few hours later, Judith started to stir again, probably hungry for another bottle. Ava carefully reached for the bag on the floor and cursed when she realized there wasn’t a second bottle packed in there – she’d have to go back to Cell Block C.

“Shane?” she whispered, gently rousing him from his half-sleep. He blinked awake and frowned at the sight of Judith fussing. “She needs another bottle.”

“Wan’me to take ‘er?” he mumbled. Ava shook her head.

“Nah, I got it,” she soothed. “Be right back.”

Shane leaned forward to give Judith a kiss, then Ava, and she smiled happily before carefully climbing out the bed. Judith grumbled, threatening a cry, and Ava quickly stood up, slinging the bag over her shoulder before rubbing the same soothing circles as before over the baby’s back.

“I know, Pumpkin, I know,” she murmured. “Let’s go get you some breakfast, yeah?”

She unlocked the cell door, then the main one for the block, gently shushing the baby as she started to cry. It’d turn into full-blown wailing if she wasn’t quick, so Ava hurried towards the visitation room, cupping the back of Judith’s head with her other hand to protect it.

To her surprise, Carol was waiting for her when she arrived and opened the door for her to let her in without hesitation.

“She needs another bottle,” Ava explained, “but we didn’t have the formula, so…”

“No, no, that’s okay,” Carol assured her. “I’ve got one made up here.”

Ava carefully handed the baby over and gently coaxed her peacock pendant free of Judith’s tight grip so she could straighten up again. Carol moved with the efficiency of a mother, quickly settling Judith in her arms before offering her the bottle in a practiced move. Probably from raising Sophia, Ava realized, and she suddenly felt a twinge of sadness as she remembered the writing on that car on the highway.

“Thank you,” she said softly.

“It’s no bother,” Carol replied, smiling down at the baby. “I was going to come and relieve you anyway.”

“I forget how often newborns need to feed,” Ava sighed as she watched Judith suckle hungrily on the bottle. “I should’ve brought her back earlier.”

“She’s alright, aren’t you, honey?” Carol gently bounced the baby in her arms, then looked up at Ava. “They usually need to feed every couple of hours, but sometimes they can go longer if they’re comfortable. You didn’t make the gap too big, don’t worry.”

Ava shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. We should get some more formula to, uh… to keep with us.”

“Probably,” Carol agreed.

Ava watched Judith for a minute or so, then sighed. “I’d better go back.”

“We usually do breakfast in an hour or so,” Carol told her, tone casual. “There’s room in here for two more.”

Ava smiled gratefully, then kissed the top of Judith’s head and reluctantly stepped away.

“Thanks, Carol.”

Carol just nodded, like what she’d suggested wasn’t as big a deal as it was. Between Beth coming to ask for help and Carol giving them permission to join the rest of the group for breakfast… It felt like a bridge across the gap between the cell blocks - tentative and thin, but there all the same.

“See you soon, Pumpkin,” Ava called, waving to the newborn before turning away and heading back to Cell Block D before she could change her mind and stay.

Shane was wide awake when she reached their cell, and Ava paused at the door. He’d been waiting for her. She knew what was going through his head as she stood there in panties and his half-undone shirt – she could see it in his eyes. _Oh…_

She swallowed hard, feeling something stir inside her. “Shane…”

“C’mere.”

He beckoned her forward and she couldn’t stop herself from closing the distance between them, crossing to the bed and crawling onto it to lie on her side facing him. He instantly wrapped an arm round her waist to pull her closer, and her hand found its way into his hair as he kissed her slowly, deeply, with a heat that spread through her whole body.

“Shane…” she tried again, but he just shook his head and reached down to bring her leg up around his hip, hand smoothing along her upper thigh to her ass and squeezing. She leaned in to him, fingertips rubbing over his scalp as his tongue curled round hers, playing, teasing… he pulled her bottom lip into his mouth and toyed with that too, then soothed the sting with a gentle kiss over the healing cut.

Ava moaned quietly against his lips, barely able to think straight enough to get her words out. “You’re hurt.”

“Uh-huh,” Shane mumbled, breaking their kiss to run his lips along her jaw and down to her neck. He scattered gentle kisses across the bruising there, like he could erase the purple marks if he tried hard enough.

“I’m hurt,” Ava continued weakly as his teeth teased over her jugular. She felt her body reacting to his touch, felt him press up against her through his boxers, and couldn’t stop herself from moving closer.

“Yeah,” Shane agreed huskily, but that didn’t stop him from kissing his way up to her ear. Didn’t stop the goosepimples from running across her skin.

Ava swallowed hard, tightening her grip on his hair even as she tried to protest again. “We shouldn’t…”

His lips brushed her earlobe and all the half-hearted fight drained out of her.

“Roll over.”

Ava whimpered as she let him guide her onto her back then onto her other side so carefully it barely aggravated her injuries. His chest was against her back seconds later, lips on the nape of her neck as one arm slipped underneath her head to bring them closer while the other came to rest over her hip.

“Tell me to stop,” Shane murmured as he gently tugged her underwear down. Ava moaned and lifted her hips just enough for him to pull the fabric over the curve of her ass to mid-thigh, then tilted her head to give him better access to her neck. He nuzzled against it, leaving an open-mouthed kiss right by her hairline as she arched back against him.

Her bottom arm reached out to hold his other hand that was resting on the mattress, and she let her teeth scrape over his bicep as he rid himself of his boxers, all heat and muscle pressed up against her. He groaned softly, pushing her shirt up as high as he could so he had access to as much skin as possible, then let his hand slide round to tease between her thighs, fingertips dragging along her wet folds to make her whimper.

“That hurt?” he breathed against her ear. She shook her head, reaching behind with her free hand to thread her fingers in his hair. He hummed thoughtfully, coaxing her thigh to lift back over his to give him better access. “And this?”

“N-No,” Ava replied quickly, then moaned when his fingers circled over her clit before slipping inside her just barely in a silent promise of what was to come.

“How about now?”

Ava’s fingers clenched against his hair and her hips jerked into his touch. “Shane, please…”

He smirked, pressing a firm kiss to her neck before withdrawing his fingers and pushing her thigh forward this time so she wouldn’t have to twist. He ran his hand along her soft skin, ghosting over the curve of her ass before taking himself in hand and running the head over her folds just to hear her mewl.

“Still think we shouldn’t?” he breathed. Ava pushed her hips back impatiently, taking in the first inch, then grimaced when the movement made her ribs twinge. “Careful, Darlin’…”

“Then stop teasing,” she pleaded. “Shane, please…”

He slid home.

Both of them groaned, the sounds almost echoing through the cell block as Ava clenched tightly around him, drawing him deeper. He held himself still for a long moment as they both absorbed the sensation of having no barriers between them again, more to let himself adjust than her. He could never get enough of that.

“You have no idea,” Shane whispered as he slowly started to move, free hand gripping her hip to hold her steady as he thrust in slow, deep pushes that made her back arch every time he hit home. “No fuckin’ idea…”

“Shane,” she moaned, teeth pressing against his bicep again as her hands simultaneously tried to tug him closer and push him away to stop the overstimulation. His voice, his hand, his hips… the sweet edge of pain from her injuries that somehow translated into even more pleasure.

“Watchin’ you with her…” Shane was talking into her neck now, hips setting a pace that wasn’t quite enough to get either of them there but was still enough to make her moan. He wanted to draw this out, get her there slowly, because it would be so much better when he did. “You can’t imagine how that felt…”

Ava tried to speak but couldn’t do anything but listen as he whispered in her ear.

“Fuckin’ needed that,” he told her. “Need this.”

She nodded, fingers squeezing his as she shut her eyes tight against the emotion that threatened to escape.

“Never again,” he promised. “Never gonna leave you on your own… Never gonna let anythin’ happen to you…”

“ _Oh…_ ” Ava whimpered as she felt herself tighten around him. _He knew. He knew._

Shane groaned softly, lifting her thigh back over his again to change the angle before reaching up to take her hand from his hair and guide it down between her legs. He spread their entwined fingers either side of where they were joined so she could feel the slick slide of his shaft as it moved inside her, his palm rubbing her clit at the same time in a way that had her gasping.

“Feel that?” he murmured. Ava nodded weakly, overwhelmed. “Fuckin’ everythin’.”

He slipped his hand out from beneath Ava’s, which started to rub over her clit in his place, then reached up to grasp her pendant and neck at the same time, forcing her head to tilt back into him. He pressed a hungry kiss to her cheek, hips moving faster now as she let out a gasping moan at the feel of his grip over her bruises. It didn’t hurt, not in the slightest – he wasn’t holding tight enough for that. Instead, it just heightened everything.

“Mine,” he purred. “Ain’t nothin’ gonna hurt’cha again.”

“Shane,” she croaked, and he knew she was close.

“C’mon,” he urged. “C’mon, Darlin’, lemme feel ya.”

He thrust up hard, and then she was squeezing so tightly around him it made him grunt in shock. Her hand snapped back to pull his hips tight against hers, holding him as deep as he could be, and it brought him right over the edge with her. He groaned from deep within his chest and pressed his forehead against her hair when she arched her back and her walls fluttered around him, tiny moans escaping her lips as she felt him release into her.

“Shit,” he hissed, breathless and trembling slightly from the aftershocks. He’d needed that. Hell, they both had. That reconnection. A reminder that they were both there. Safe.

“Mmm,” she agreed wordlessly, dropping a kiss to his bicep as she felt him start to soften inside her. She still kept him in place though, brain not firing on enough cylinders to remind her why they’d agreed not to do that. Why they’d gone on those runs, stocked up, brought that half-empty box along with them…

“I hurt you?” Shane whispered as he moved a hand to her waist, barely brushing over her aching ribs.

“I’m okay,” she told him truthfully. They hurt, obviously, but it was survivable. “Worth it.”

“Fuck, Ava,” he breathed out, nuzzling against her hair affectionately. “Darlin’, I…”

“I know,” Ava hummed happily as she leaned into him, bringing their joined hands from the mattress in front of her up to her lips for a kiss. “I know.”

Shane ran his hand up and down her side, careful not to hurt her, and let them both relax for a moment. Ava sighed and he saw her smile contently before opening her eyes and groaning under her breath.

“Guess now is probably good a time as any to mention the fact Carol invited us to breakfast?”

Shane laughed, more on reflex than anything, then kissed her cheek and gingerly withdrew from her before pulling her panties and his own underwear back up just in case they were interrupted. Ava whined softly at his absence, but he was quick to settle back against her and hold her just as tight as before.

He sobered slightly a moment later as the reality of what she’d said sunk in.

“She invite both of us?” he wondered.

“Yeah,” she clarified. “Said there was room for two more. Me and you. She wanted us there.”

“That’s… gonna take a while to get my head round,” he confessed quietly. “Them actually letting me…”

Ava squeezed his hand in understanding. “You’re a good person, Shane. It’s about time they saw that.”

He said nothing, unsure how to respond to that. He wouldn’t say he was a good person, not really, he just did what he did and that was it. He’d made more than his fair share of mistakes.

“Hey.” Ava carefully shifted in his arms until she was facing him, kind eyes finding his. She reached up and ran her fingers down his face in that soothing way she always did. “I love you.”

He smiled. He’d known that for a long time – they hadn’t needed to say it out loud. “Love you, too, Darlin’.”

Ava laughed, breaking the tension from the conversation before. She always made it okay. “Feels kinda strange, puttin’ it like that.”

“Yeah,” Shane agreed. “Not quite enough, right?”

She smiled shyly. Of course he’d get it.

“C’mon,” he murmured softly, leaning in to give her a lingering kiss on her forehead. “Breakfast.”

She dragged his lips back to hers to kiss him once, twice, then carefully rolled over and got out of bed, raising her hands over her head to stretch out her spine. She grimaced, realizing how stupid that was when her body burned in protest, then carefully bent over to grab fresh clothes from the laundry basket.

Shane smoothed his palm over her ass as he moved to sit behind her and she couldn’t help but laugh, smacking his hand away with a muttered curse. She grabbed a set of clothes for each of them and threw his behind her onto the bed before stepping away from him, not giving him a chance to distract her again. He huffed, but the telltale sound of fabric sliding over skin told her he was following her silent instructions anyway.

When she was dressed in a pair of dark blue jeans, her usual boots and a grey tank top, she swept her hair into a bun, not bothering to even try to hide the injuries on her neck or arms. Everyone already knew they were there and she wasn’t ashamed of them. That didn’t stop Shane from letting out a sad sigh at the sight of them, though.

She turned and smiled reassuringly, silently reminding him she was okay. They’d survived. He smiled back at her, but his heart wasn’t quite in it and they both knew it. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, careful not to squeeze too tight, then pressed a lingering kiss over his heart before heading out the cell with him in tow.

They grabbed a few breakfast MREs from their stash and walked hand in hand to the visitation room, both feeling a little apprehensive even though they’d never admit it to the other out loud.

As promised, Carol was in there when they arrived along with Judith, Daryl and two men neither Shane nor Ava had seen before. Carol smiled at them both as they approached and didn’t hesitate to carefully hand Judith to her father, mumbling something about having recently changed the baby’s diaper.

“Morning, sweetheart,” Shane murmured, smiling down at his daughter. “Long time, no see.”

Ava kissed the top of the baby’s hair, then nodded in greeting to Carol before crossing over to where Daryl was about to pour himself some stale-looking cereal. She frowned, glancing down at the MREs in her hands.

“How many of you are there?” she asked quietly.

“Eleven, includin’ them two ‘n Lil’ Asskicker,” Daryl replied, tilting his head in the direction of the unfamiliar men.

“Oh.” Ava frowned. _Only eleven?_ “I thought…”

“Lori. Two’a Hershel’s group.” Daryl brought his hand up and chewed on his thumbnail. “T-Dog. Andrea.”

“T-Dog and Andrea?” Ava mumbled. They’d been two of the people she knew had supported Shane throughout everything. “What happened?”

“T-Dog got bit. There was this guy, set walkers on us. S’how we all got sep’rated.” Daryl focused on the box of cereal. “Andrea left after the farm. Hated Rick for leavin’…”

“For leaving Shane,” Ava finished for him. Daryl nodded.

They stood in silence for a moment, then Ava sighed and rubbed her hand over the back of her neck as Daryl shook the box of cereal to mix it up a bit.

“Hey, um… Look, we got a couple of those military food ration things,” Ava said softly. “They’re not much, but it’d be enough to split between you guys if you wanted something other than shitty cereal?”

“Thought’chu were keepin’ sep’rate?” Daryl pointed out.

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we can’t share.”

Daryl shrugged. “Ain’t ‘xactly fair.”

“I don’t mind,” Ava replied. “M’sure you’d do the same if you could.”

She reached for the bowls Rick’s group were clearly using to eat out of and carried them over to one of the visitation tables. She started to unpack the kits, separating them into different piles so she could work out the best way to split it all. Each MRE had the same _‘dishes’_ as each other and were only designed for one person, but with the portion sizes their stomachs were now used to, there would definitely be enough to make them stretch to ten people if she cut them into four.

“Carol, is everyone coming for breakfast at the same time, or is someone staying out on watch?”

“Glenn and Maggie will be down in a second,” Carol replied. “Rick… He might join us, but we’re never too sure.”

Shane caught Ava’s eye. Rick’s disappearances were clearly frequent.

“These won’t take too long to heat, so, um…” She glanced up to see Beth and Hershel come in through the Cell Block C door, then back to Carol. “Does anyone have any preference for breakfast?”

Carol frowned, like being given a choice was completely alien.

“We got some maple sausage things, toaster pastries, crackers and fruit butter…” Ava read from the list of the MREs contents as Maggie and Glenn returned from their night watch. “Granola with blueberries… cinnamon scones… There’s even a vanilla cappuccino thing too.”

Everyone stared at her.

Ava sighed, suddenly feeling completely out of place. She looked at Shane, who was quietly standing with Judith in his arms, expression wary. He felt it too.

But then Carl emerged from behind Hershel with a grin on his face.

“Did you say cinnamon scones?”

“Yeah, Bud, she did,” Shane replied with a smile.

“Cool!” Carl all but ran to sit down opposite Ava at the table, and Shane stepped forward to ruffle the boy’s hair before taking a seat beside him. He adjusted Judith so she was more comfortable in his lap, the movement natural and instinctive.

“Gimme a sec to get it all ready, and you can have the first one, okay?” Ava promised. Carl nodded, eyes bright, and Ava was once again struck by how _good_ Carl was. How innocent. A beacon of light, just like his sister.

“You’re all welcome to have some,” Ava called softly to the rest of the group. “There’s enough to serve us all comfortably.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Carol replied. “Thank you.”

“Take a seat, I’ll, uh… I’ll dish it up and let you know when it’s ready?” Ava looked around the room at everyone. “Everyone just want a bit of everything?”

Daryl and Beth nodded their agreement, but nobody else so much as moved.

Ava rolled her eyes and pushed herself to her feet with a weary sigh. _Not today, Satan._ “Okay. So, I know who you all are, excluding you two in the prison jumpsuits - I’m sorry, I don’t know your names.”

“Axel.”

“Oscar.”

“Right.” Ava nodded. “And I’m Ava. As the rest of you probably already know, I’m the one who helped save you from the herd that attacked the farm.”

There were footsteps from outside, but she didn’t hear them.

“But you don’t actually _know_ me. So, I get it. You’re a family. You wanna protect each other.” Her voice wasn’t harsh, just tired. “But this is not a ploy to get you to like me or an attempt to poison you all. I just figured you’d want some actual food in your bellies that didn’t come from a stale old cereal box or a can.”

“We know that.”

Ava turned to see Rick walk towards her, his eyes on his people and an unreadable expression on his face.

“We’ll be gratefully accepting your offer of breakfast.” He placed a hand on her shoulder in a silent display of solidarity. “Thank you.”

Ava nodded and returned to her seat, then busied herself with preparing the meal without uttering another word. To say she was shocked by Rick’s move would have been an understatement.

With Rick’s permission granted, the rest of them spurred into action, taking their seats and striking up different conversations in small groups, like they’d been waiting for his approval the whole time.

Ava glanced up at Shane, whose gaze was fixed on her. She gave him a small half-smile which he returned, then watched as Carl turned and started chatting away to both Judith and Shane, drawing his attention away.

“You need any help with anything?” Carol offered quietly.

“Yeah, actually,” Ava replied, gratefully accepting the help. “Would you mind serving this up while I finish heating the maple sausage?”

“Of course.”

Between them, it didn’t take long for ten bowls of breakfast to be served up to Rick’s people, and Ava shifted to sit next to Shane so they could take it in turns sharing their portions straight from the packets like they usually did. She turned herself towards him with her legs on either side of his body to make it easier to offer him the spoon, and he let the hand not holding Judith rest on her thigh, thumb brushing over the fabric by her knee as he talked to Carl.

“Oh, this is good!” Oscar groaned.

“You tried that apple butter, yet?”

“Shit - oh, sorry, Judith, I meant _sugar -_ I’ve missed toaster pastries.”

Ava felt herself relax slightly, proud she’d managed to actually do something right in the eyes of the group by extending her own olive branch. Daryl and Carol were sat on the steps together, talking quietly, and Ava was glad the two of them, at least, tolerated her.

“Can I have some of that cappuccino thing?” Beth asked quietly.

Ava gestured to the sachet with a smile. Maybe three of them tolerated her. “If you want it hot, you’ll have to heat some water up, but they are drinkable cold?”

“Thanks.” Beth grabbed the sachet from the table along with one of the bottles of water, seemingly not bothered with heating it up.

“You got two of those?” Maggie asked. Ava blinked twice, then grabbed a sachet before throwing it to the other woman, who caught it easily.

“Anyone else want one?”

“I do!” Carl replied eagerly. Ava laughed and shook her head fondly at him.

“I don’t think you’re old enough for coffee, honey,” she told him. “Unless your dad thinks it’s okay?”

She glanced over to Rick, who nodded.

“Alright, then,” she acquiesced. “But I bet you the last bite of your cinnamon scone you don’t like it.”

“Deal,” Carl agreed.

Sure enough, once Ava prepared it for him, the boy took one mouthful and grimaced.

“Gross.”

“Told ya.” Ava smiled when he offered her his cinnamon scone, but shrugged, pushing it back towards him. “Nah, I’ll let ya off. Wasn’t fair odds.”

When the others laughed, Ava glanced around the room only to frown as she noticed Rick had slipped away at some point between agreeing to let Carl try the coffee and him actually drinking it.

Shane squeezed Ava’s knee and she reached out to cover his hand with her own.

Later. She could deal with that later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS: Yes, those lyrics were from Rockabye by Anne-Marie, though Ava's version would be slower. No, you definitely shouldn't imagine Sean Paul rapping in the background while Ava is singing. (Wouldn't that be a sight?)


	16. Come Find Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, guys! I didn't realise I'd been working on this for a week until I went to finally post it!
> 
> Sorry for the delay, but I hope this makes up for it - I've been so nervous about this one for some reason, so any comments are more than welcome!
> 
> Next update soon, I promise xx

_Don’t you ever tame your demons._

_But always keep them on a leash._

Over the next week or so, they fell into a routine of sorts. Breakfast with the group. Lunchtime nap together. Dinner in Cell Block D. Midnight feed for Judith. Co-existing in different parts of the prison, but not in complete isolation. Hershel had even come to check them both over a few times to see how they were both healing and taped up Ava’s ribs for her – she’d more than likely broken a couple, which didn’t surprise her. They hurt like a bitch. So did Shane’s.

It was tentative, the fragile bond they’d started to form with the group, but it was more than Ava had hoped for and she couldn’t deny it was nice to have company after it being just the two of them for so long. It was easier now they’d started to relax a little around Shane. That horrible tension in the air that had been there initially had dissipated just enough for it to not feel like everyone was waiting for him to snap. Ava knew it probably felt justified, given how Shane had been before the herd, but he wasn’t a threat to any of them. He was too busy adoring his daughter and reconnecting with Carl.

It had changed him, being around the children. He was softer, more relaxed, and it was a side of him Ava was used to only seeing on occasion instead of constantly. And he involved her in it, too, never once leaving her out in favor of spending time with Judith or Carl. It felt almost like family, somehow, and Ava hadn’t realized how much she’d been missing that until then.

Carl reminded her a lot of Joseph, always trying to cheer people up and looking on the brighter side, but there were glimpses of a darkness inside him that Ava only saw if she looked hard enough. Moments where Carl would stare without seeing, lost in something only he was aware of. More than once, she’d seen the wind get knocked out his sails without warning, as if suddenly reality had crept up on him and forced him to retreat back into himself.

Like when Rick disappeared, only to come back to _‘check on Carl_ ’ before heading off to wherever he spent his time again. She saw Carl’s face drop. Rick didn’t. He didn’t notice Judith either. Barely even looked at her. It was like the sight of her, especially with Shane, was too much for him to handle.

Grief.

It could do strange things to even the strongest of people.

Ava knew that first hand.

“Hey…” Warm hands gripped her hips from behind and soft lips grazed the nape of her neck. Ava closed her eyes and leaned into Shane’s chest, bare skin on bare skin. “Where’d you go?”

“Was thinkin’ ‘bout Rick,” she murmured, letting her hands come to cover his arms as they wrapped around her waist.

“That right?” Shane teased. “You imaginin’ his face between your thighs while I was-”

“Shut up,” she muttered with a roll of her eyes, then threaded her fingers through his and squeezed tightly. “Y’know I was picturin’ Daryl.”

Shane growled and nuzzled her neck, biting down lightly to make her squirm. She giggled and had to force herself not to wriggle away since her ribs were already sore from their love-making the night before. It was why he’d just spent half an hour with his head between her legs instead of giving them what they both wanted. Not that she was complaining, of course.

“Shane, stop!” she laughed as his lips hit a particularly sensitive patch of skin. “Shane!”

He pressed a slow, open-mouthed kiss to that same spot, then stopped his assault with a quiet chuckle. “Serves ya right, lyin’ like that.”

“As if I’d be thinkin’ ‘bout anyone else,” she pointed out. “Bit hard to think ‘bout anythin’ ‘cept you when you got me like that.”

“Mmmm,” Shane hummed, lips right by her ear. “You sure? I can always give another demonstration? Test that theory from a new angle, perhaps…”

His fingers trailed up her sides to cup her breasts, thumbs brushing over her nipples as she moaned half in pleasure and half in discomfort. They were way too tender for that, though she wasn’t sure why. “Shane…”

“I know, I know,” he murmured as he moved his hands back to her hips. “Too sensitive.”

She tipped her head back to rest on his shoulder and smiled when he kissed her neck, knowing he was staring at the pendant that laid over her breastbone as he did so. His eyes were drawn to it more than usual lately, but that was partly because she had been wearing clothes that always showed it. It wasn’t a conscious decision she’d made, to display the symbol of their connection so openly, but on some deeper, internal level she’d wanted to show the light that came from their relationship and not just the dark bruises and scratches she had no choice but to bear.

A reminder for not only Shane, but herself as well.

“Raincheck?” she whispered. She turned in his hold and wrapped her arms around his neck, only to wince as the tape pulled in response to remind her to be careful. Shane grimaced sympathetically and gently stroked his hands over her ribs, wishing it would soothe them.

"Definitely," he promised. She kissed him softly, then closed her eyes and pressed their foreheads together as she basked in that deep warmth inside of her that came from having the kind of intimacy they shared. Not just physical – emotional, too.

After a few moments, Shane pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and she opened her eyes to meet his fond gaze. "Y'wanna talk about what was on your mind?"

Ava shook her head. "Not right now.”

“Alright,” Shane said simply, then pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. Ava smiled. He always respected her need to keep some thoughts unspoken. And her errant wonderings about Rick were not something she wanted to voice just yet.

The two of them got dressed, passing their hastily discarded clothes to each other with gentle smiles and lingering hands. Their afternoon nap had quickly fallen to the wayside, but Shane had promised Carl he’d be there to help feed Judith her next bottle so there was no point trying to squeeze one in now – she’d be due her feed within half an hour. They weren’t quite as tired as they were even a few days ago, but Shane had noticed the faint dark circles under Ava’s eyes had yet to disappear.

“You can still sleep, y’know?” he suggested lightly as he finished buttoning his shirt. “I can come wake ya once Judith’s settled?”

“Nah,” she dismissed, then turned to wrap her arms around his waist and press her lips to his chest as she spoke. “Was thinkin’ I might go on that run with Maggie and Glenn – Pumpkin needs some more stuff and I thought it might be nice for us to have a crib here, too. Be easier than constantly moving the one from Block C back and forth every night.”

Shane clenched his jaw but nodded in understanding. He should have been the one going on that run, not her. He wanted to be able to get things for the baby, not just be stuck in a literal prison because his wound was still too vulnerable. Ava wasn’t in a fit state to be going, even if she refused to acknowledge it, but out of the two of them she was the least at risk and they both knew it. That didn’t mean he had to like it, though.

Shane wasn’t built to stand around idle like he was currently being forced to. He always wanted to keep moving, stay focused, remain on mission… it was how he’d been his whole life. But even he couldn’t deny there was a positive side to his currently limited mobility. Time. Time to recover, to reconnect with Carl, to meet and get to know his daughter. His _daughter_.

He still couldn’t quite wrap his head around that one. She was definitely his baby – his eyes, his curls, his chin… still no sign of his boxer’s nose, though. She also loved Ava, just like him. She was always so calm in his arms, but when she was in Ava’s there was a whole other level of peace and comfort that Shane saw on her tiny face, especially when Ava sang that lullaby to her.

Everything had changed since he’d last been part of the group. He had a family of his own now, not one he’d borrowed then lost then gone crazy with grief over. It was his. Him, Ava, Judith, and even Carl now that Lori was no longer dragging him away. Rick hadn’t objected to the bonds they’d forged or reinforced, but Shane was sure that was partly because he wasn’t quite able to process _anything_ properly now Lori was gone. He barely seemed aware of himself, let alone the people around him, and had withdrawn in the extreme.

But Shane understood why Rick had become so distant. He’d seen Rick grieve once before, when Carl got shot. He hadn’t coped well then and now, without Lori – without _anyone_ – there to balance him back out, his once-brother had fallen down the rabbit hole and got pushed in deeper every time he glanced at the baby. She was such a perfect blend of her parents it must have been like a knife to the heart for Rick. There was no denying who her biological father was, not when they were side by side like that. No denying who her mother was either, which must have been the hardest part.

But he’d ruined that friendship. They both did with the choices they’d made and the words they’d said. He didn’t think he had any right to help Rick grieve the loss of the woman he’d once thought he’d loved to the point of madness too, not after all that. It was still hard to watch him go through it alone, though. Didn’t stop him wanting to be able to help, even though he couldn’t.

Shane sighed and kissed Ava’s forehead as he smoothed his hand down her back to hold her closer.

“You takin’ the Hyundai?” he asked, bringing his attention back to the woman he adored more than anything else. She was here. She was real. Not a memory. “Or you sharin’ the truck?”

“Why? Worried I won’t bring your Mom-mobile back in one piece?” Ava teased as she looked up at him. “I won’t hurt her, I promise.”

Shane rolled his eyes and leaned in to kiss her, their lips moving slow and tenderly until Ava moaned softly and deepened it, her hands sliding up his back under his shirt. Shane held back a groan of his own when her tongue played with his, barely resisting the urge to take her back to bed and bury his face between her thighs again for another half an hour. Instead, he cupped her face in his hands and placed a sweet kiss against her lips before pressing his lips to her forehead with a quiet sigh.

“Sorry,” she mumbled as she forced herself to move her hands back to a neutral position on his waist. “Want you more than normal today.”

“And yesterday,” Shane reminded her. He had the scratches on his back to prove it. She’d been insatiable, but he hadn’t complained. They’d just had to get creative to work round their injuries.

Ava flushed and bit down on her bottom lip as she took a step back to distance herself, more to avoid temptation than anything else. Shane’s gaze flicked down, and he felt the urge to sink his own teeth into her lip instead, just like he had earlier… He shook the thought from his head and smiled.

“C’mon,” he sighed, rubbing his hand over the back of his head to stop himself pulling her close again. “Let’s go feed Pumpkin.”

Ava beamed at his use of her nickname for Judith and grabbed her jacket from its place hanging off one of the cell bars before heading towards Cell Block C ahead of him. He watched her hips sway naturally as she walked, but refused to let his mind wander again. That urge could wait – she wasn’t going to be gone long. What couldn’t wait? His little girl.

She was already grumbling as they walked through to the visitation area, and Ava was quick to take her from Beth’s arms with a soft murmur, holding her to her chest the way the baby seemed to love so much. Shane smiled as she rocked from side to side and kissed the top of Judith’s head, just as addicted to that newborn baby smell as he was.

His family.

Carl came to stand at his side, shoulder brushing Shane’s bicep. “How’d you know she was hungry?”

Shane looked down at the boy and grinned as he gestured to the pre-prepared bottle the boy was holding. “How did you?”

Carl shrugged, and Shane nudged him with his elbow before nodding towards Ava and Judith. “You wanna feed her this time?”

Carl’s eyes instantly lit up. Shane laughed, then placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder before guiding him towards Ava and the baby.

“C’mon, Bud.”

Ava turned to face them and smiled in understanding as Carl took the seat Shane indicated to. Her gaze met Shane’s, and he couldn’t resist the urge to kiss her as he took the baby from her arms. The transition was so smooth and effortless - Judith didn’t notice she’d been moved until Shane was carrying her over to her brother, but once he’d handed her over and Carl offered her the bottle she didn’t seem to mind much.

“There you go,” Shane murmured as he ran his hand over her soft hair. “That better, Sweetheart?”

“She’s getting heavier,” Carl observed quietly, enraptured by his baby sister as ever.

“She’s definitely growin’,” Ava agreed as she came to stand at Shane’s side with a small smile on her lips.

Shane let his hand rest on her lower back, neither pushing her away or drawing her closer, and stared at Judith as she suckled on the bottle. She was getting bigger every day, it felt, but she wouldn’t continue to if Ava didn’t go on that run and he knew it. He sighed softly and kissed Ava’s temple. This was why they did what they did, why they took the risks and chanced the danger. This was what it was all for.

Ava hummed in response and leaned slightly into him, her thoughts matching his. He knew she loved Judith like a mother would their child, maybe even more so under the circumstances. She’d never say that out loud, never impose by calling Judith hers, but Shane understood her well enough by now to know that was how she felt. It was written all over her face, and he adored it.

“When you headin’ out?” he asked softly. Ava shrugged and slipped her arms around his waist, then laughed as Maggie and Glenn emerged from Cell Block C.

“Now, I guess,” she sighed. Shane tore his eyes away from the baby to meet her gaze, hoping it would convey everything he wanted to say but wouldn’t. _Good luck. Be careful. Come home._

“We’ll be waiting,” he promised.

Ava pushed herself up on her toes to give him a lingering kiss. “See ya later, Peacock.”

“Stay safe, Princess,” he murmured.

She smiled at him, then kissed him a final time before shrugging on her jacket. “Always do.”

Shane watched her walk away and gave her a reluctant wave when she glanced back at him on her way through the door. He stared at the empty space she left behind for a long moment. A necessary risk, that’s all that was. She always found a way.

“Shane, she’s getting grumpy,” Carl fussed, drawing him back from the darkness.

“She probably just got a bit of wind, Bud,” Shane assured him, then carefully reached out to take Judith from the boy’s arms. He sat down beside him with the baby in his lap and cupped one hand under her chin to support her head while the other rubbed up and down her back in firm strokes.

“That doesn’t hurt her?”

“Nah, man,” Shane promised. “See, babies? They can’t do everythin’ by themselves yet, so you gotta help ‘em get rid of the air that’s trapped, else they’re gonna be in real trouble.”

He patted Judith’s back a few times, then smiled when she burped loudly and squirmed against him, tiny face relaxing slightly.

“See?” He switched back to rubbing, more to soothe the baby than continue to burp her. “Easy.”

“Can I try?” Carl wondered.

“Course.” Shane carefully shifted Judith back into her brother’s lap and guided his hands to the right place. “Now, don’t be scared to be firm, okay? You won’t hurt her.”

Carl did as instructed, starting out a little timid but getting more confident once it became clear Shane hadn’t been lying. It took almost a minute before Judith burped again, but once she did Carl smiled proudly and looked up at Shane for his approval.

“Nice one, Bud,” he praised. “Now, pass her back over an’ go see if you got any rope lyin’ about – I wanna see if you remember that Clove Hitch I taught ya.”

Shane nestled the baby in his arms as Carl ran off to get some rope, and smiled down at the newborn when her little fists came up to grip the finger he’d run down her cute nose. Her grip was tight, but her sleepy eyes blinked up at him and he knew she’d need a nap soon. He was getting used to her, now. All those little noises and movements. The nuances that spoke to him just as clearly as actual words would have, had she been capable of them.

“There you go, Sweetheart,” he murmured. Judith nuzzled against his chest and frowned slightly. “I know, I know. I ain’t got Ava’s boobs, do I?”

Judith sighed, but settled against him anyway. She was getting used to him, too.

“She’ll be back soon, Beautiful. I promise.”

Carl flopped down next to him after a couple of minutes, a length of rope at the ready. Shane smiled and gestured for the boy to start.

“C’mon, Bud, show me what’cha got.”

Over the next two hours, Shane talked Carl through a few more knots while Judith napped in his arms, and was struck by how much the boy had changed while they’d been separated. He was tougher, now. Harder. Though he tried to hide it, Shane knew he’d had to grow up quick over the winter and he was quietly impressed when he offered to show the boy how to clean and reload one of the group’s guns only to end up watching Carl do it all by himself without any instruction needed. _Yeah, things had definitely changed._

It was the first time the two of them had truly been alone since they’d reunited, and there was so much Shane wanted to say. _I’m sorry_ was the key one. But he had no idea how to start that particular clusterfuck of a conversation, especially when he wasn’t sure how much Carl knew about what had gone down between them all.

“Carl…”

Judith let out a soft whimper and started to cry as she woke from her nap, ending the discussion before it could even start.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Shane cooed to his daughter, bouncing her slightly in his arms. “It’s alright, Sweetheart.”

When the baby’s cries only increased, Shane sighed and got to his feet, shifting Judith upright against his chest to free up one hand so he could make up another bottle for her. He was getting used to that, too – doing things one handed. Turned out to be an important skill when caring for a newborn.

Once the bottle was ready, he sat back down beside Carl and adjusted Judith back into the crook of his arm before rubbing the teat over her bottom lip to encourage her to feed. She shook her head slightly and frowned as she let out a loud wail.

“Shhhh,” Shane breathed. “Come on, Darlin’, it’s okay.”

He tried twice more before she latched on, and both he and Carl gave matching sighs of relief as her cries stopped echoing through the prison. She was clearly hungry, suckling from the bottle so quickly Shane was worried she’d choke a little despite his attempts to slow her down.

“She keeps doing that.”

“It’s nothin’ to worry about – she just gets a bit overwhelmed is all,” Shane reassured him. “And y’think this is bad? Man, she’s nothin’ compared to how stubborn than you were when you were a baby.”

Carl grinned. “Really?”

“Oh, yeah,” Shane teased. “You gave your momma and dad a hard time with everythin’, not just feeding – used to take all sorts to getcha t’settle. Some nights, they had to drive to my place just so you’d fall asleep in the car.”

“No way.”

“Yeah, way.” Shane smiled down at Judith, who had finished her feed. He lifted her up to his shoulder and started rubbing her back again. “One time, they even had to put you in the car seat on top of the dryer, ‘cause their car was in the shop gettin’ repaired and you refused to go to sleep.”

“That true, Dad?”

Shane frowned and glanced up at Carl to find him staring over Shane’s shoulder. He slowly turned in his seat and saw Rick standing at the entrance to the visitation room.

“Dad?”

Rick blinked, then looked over at the three of them, as lost as ever. He let out an unsteady breath before nodding his head slightly and staring down at the ground. Carl slumped in his seat forlornly at his father’s despondence, and Shane found himself on his feet before his mind processed the movement.

“Rick,” he called softly. “Why don’t you come sit down for a minute?”

Rick finally met his gaze and Shane couldn’t handle what he saw there. He’d seen that desperation only once before – in the mirror, after Otis.

“C’mon, man,” he coaxed. “Take a beat.”

Rick nodded, a stuttered movement that seemed almost unnatural, but he did start to move closer, only to stop several feet away and swallow hard. Shane stepped forward and turned slightly to the side so Judith was facing Rick, and watched his ex-best friend’s face soften but break all at once.

“Here,” he murmured, carefully shifting the baby away from his chest in silent offering.

Rick slowly reached out and took Judith in his hands, holding her like she was about to shatter any second. He let out a long breath and lifted her to his chest as he stared down at her, eyes wide and tearful. It confirmed what Shane had realized a week ago – Rick hadn’t so much as touched Judith until then. Hadn’t been able to bring himself to accept she was real because Lori was gone.

“Hey…” Rick whispered, a half-smile playing on his lips. Judith grumbled, but quickly settled down, and Rick’s smile widened as he shook his head in disbelief. He glanced over at Carl. “She looks like you.”

Carl grinned, and Rick’s expression softened before he looked up to Shane. He felt like he was holding his breath, waiting for Rick to swipe everything out from under him. _Screw my wife, have my children –_ my _children – call you Daddy, is that what you want?_ He’d been such a fool to let something so toxic ruin it all. Nothing could kill a man faster than his own mind, and he’d almost…

“She’s got your eyes, though.” Shane felt a lump rise in his throat at Rick’s gentle tone. “But not your nose.”

He let out a pained laugh and ducked his head. “Thank God, right?”

Rick’s hand grasped his shoulder, and that breath rushed out of him at once. “Thank God.”

Shane closed his eyes. Felt that festering wound start to knit itself together again, slough away the necrosis and begin to heal. “Brother, I…”

“The past is the past.” Rick squeezed his shoulder, then sighed down at the baby in his arms. “We move forward. It’s the only way.”

Shane gripped Rick’s forearm and nodded. A truce. A bridge they could they build upon.

“You taken her outside yet?” Rick asked quietly.

“Nah, man,” Shane replied. “Ain’t trusted myself to move that far with her.”

Rick nodded and ran his fingertip down Judith’s cheek. “Then let’s go.”

They walked out into the light together with Carl right alongside them, breathing in fresh air for the first time in too long. Shane glanced over to Judith and smiled. Family. All he needed now was Ava to complete it.

The crunch of the Hyundai’s tires made him laugh under his breath at the timing, but when it wasn’t followed by the rumbling of the truck, both Rick and Shane stiffened.

“Carl, take Judith back inside,” Rick instructed as he carefully placed the baby in his son’s arms. “Stay with Hershel and Beth.”

“Dad?” Carl shot a look to Shane. “Shane?”

“It’s okay, Bud,” Shane tried to comfort, but he could barely keep his expression neutral. “Just a precaution.”

As soon as the boy turned away, Shane reached to the rear of his waistband and muttered a curse. Of course he didn’t have his weapon. He didn’t like having it around the baby. Rick had his though, and he flicked the safety of it off as the two men slowly made their way towards the gate.

Daryl unlocked the ones at the far end, too distant for them to make anything out clearly, but as the car came closer, Shane’s chest seized up. It skidded to a halt in front of them, and even through the gate, they could see the female driver’s eyes were filled with grim determination and worry.

She hopped out of the car and headed to the passenger side to ease out a bloodied Glenn. She half-dragged, half-carried the man towards them, then shot them a pointed look. Rick moved to unlock the gate without hesitation, then quickly helped steady Glenn before letting the woman head back to the car for a basket of formula and baby clothes.

Shane stood there for several moments, processing what was plain as day but too horrifying to accept.

“Where’s Ava?”

Glenn lifted his head, revealing a split lip and purple temple. “He took her. Maggie too.”

“What happened? Who took them?” Rick was asking, but Shane’s whole world seemed to kaleidoscope and twist in on itself and he could barely register the words coming out of their mouths until a name suddenly snapped him back into focus.

“Merle.” Glenn groaned in pain and wavered on his feet. “It was Merle.”


	17. In The Woods Somewhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning for sexual assault and torture, in line with canon.
> 
> This is a rough one, but I wanted to isolate the awful scenes into one chapter just in case any of you wouldn't be able to read them.
> 
> Bear with me, my lovelies - it'll be over soon xx

_Sharpen your knife._

_Offer me that deathless death._

_Good God, let me give you my life._

“We just hit the powder formula jackpot.”

Ava breathed out a sigh of relief as Glenn emerged from the store they had been raiding with a basket filled with tubs of the yellow-white powder. She’d already been lucky enough to come across the crib and baby clothes she was loading up in the trunk of the Hyundai, but Glenn finding the formula on top of that meant the trip out there was well worth it.

“Also got beans, batteries, cocktail weiners, many mustards…” Glenn came round the back of the Hyundai as Maggie kept watch. They’d worked well as a team, all things considered. “It’s a straight shot back to the prison from here – we’ll probably make it back in time for dinner.”

“Easily,” Ava agreed. “We got lucky. Maggie, you did good to find this place in that phonebook – I think we’ve got enough to last Judith a while.”

She smiled at Glenn as she took the basket of formula and loaded it in the trunk, then placed the neatly folded baby clothes and toy giraffe she'd found inside it so they wouldn’t get dirty. She bent down to lift the flat-packed crib into the trunk as well while Maggie headed over to the truck, lamenting about how much she preferred the quiet compared to the constant noise back home. Ava didn’t mind the sound of the walkers outside the prison – she’d rather have that than silence. Silence meant danger. What happened at the house had taught her that.

“And where is it y’all good people callin’ home?”

_Fuck._

Ava crouched down low and reached for her gun, completely hidden from view. Over the sound of her heart pounding, she heard Maggie and Glenn move toward the voice and swallowed hard, pulling back the slide of the Glock as she pressed her back against the Hyundai. _Not again. Not again._

“Merle?”

Ava frowned. She knew that name.

The newcomer laughed. “Wow!”

“Hey, back the Hell up!” Maggie shouted, and Ava peeked round the side of the Hyundai to see the other woman raise her gun a little higher as an older man in dirty clothes lifted his hands in surrender.

“Oh… Okay, okay, honey! Jesus!”

“You made it.” Glenn obviously recognized the man, but didn’t lower his weapon so neither did Ava.

“Can you tell me, is my brother alive? Huh?”

_Brother?_

“Yeah,” Glenn admitted.

The man smiled and sighed happily, genuinely… “Hey, you, uh, take me to ‘im and I’ll call it even on everythin’ that happened up there in Atlanta. No hard feelin’s.”

_Atlanta. Atlanta._

The sun reflected off the bayonet-style contraption attached to the man’s arm that she’d initially mistaken for a knife.

Ava clenched her jaw. She knew this. Shane had mentioned this.

“Oh, you like that?” The man joked, and it took Ava a moment to realize he wasn’t talking to her. He still had no idea she was there. “Yeah. Well, uh, I found myself a, uh, medical supply warehouse. Fixed it up myself. Pretty cool, huh?”

“We’ll tell Daryl you’re here, and he’ll come out to meet you.”

_Daryl?_ Ava’s eyes widened. Merle _Dixon._ They’d left him on a rooftop. A dead man, walking. _How the fuck…?_

“Oh, hold on!” Merle protested angrily. “Just hold up!”

“Whoa. Whoa!” Glenn tried to placate him, but Ava knew it wouldn’t work. Merle was too agitated.

She made her way along the side of the Hyundai then dashed across to crouch behind the truck, closer to the others. The element of surprise was the only thing she had, and she’d need to use it wisely.

“Hey, the fact we found each other is a miracle! Come on, now. You can trust me.”

Ava shook her head to herself. _No, they couldn’t._

“You trust _us_ ,” Glenn countered. “You stay here.”

Ava couldn’t see Merle’s face anymore, but the frustrated laugh he ground out told her exactly where the situation was heading. She pushed herself to her feet and fired, narrowly missing Merle’s head by an inch. The man lunged for Glenn, knocking him out with a crack to the side of the head before rolling out of Ava’s line of sight.

She was quick to step round the back of the truck to follow him, only to freeze at the sight of him pinning Maggie to the ground with his gun against her temple and his bayonet at her throat.

“Hold up, girlie, hold up!” Merle sneered. Maggie stared wide-eyed up at her as Merle nudged the barrel of his weapon harder against her head.

“Let go of her!” Ava trained her Glock on his head, but knew she wouldn’t get a clear shot. “Let go of her right now.”

“Put the gun on the ground!” Merle demanded. “Do it now, honey, or I’ll blow her brains out.”

Ava locked eyes with Maggie and saw the unadulterated terror there she was trying to hide. She calculated her odds. They weren’t good. Maggie’s were even worse. Merle would do it, and she knew it.

“Okay,” she appeased, holding up her weapon so he could see her finger was no longer on the trigger. “Okay.”

She slowly stepped forward and lowered the gun to the ground before standing back up and nodding. _Not a threat. Not a threat._

Merle smirked. “Knife, too.”

_Fuck._

“I don’t have a-”

“Don’t lie to me!” Merle snapped, pushing his blade tighter to Maggie’s neck until she whimpered.

Ava cursed under her breath and took her knife out her waistband, holding that up too before tossing it to the ground to join her Glock.

“There you go,” Merle taunted. “Pretty sneaky, creepin’ up on me. You’re good, I’ll give you that.”

Ava raised her hands as she tried to reason with him. “Merle, please…”

“When’d you join the band, honey?” He grinned. “I ain’t seen you before. I’d remember that face.”

Ava swallowed as she glanced down at Maggie, who was starting to shake as the panic kicked in. She ignored his predatory grin and tried to keep her voice calm. “We have supplies. Food. Let me go back to my car, and-”

“Oh, no, no, no,” Merle tutted. “You ain’t goin’ anywhere, doll, except in that truck with me and your pretty little friend here. We’re goin’ for a drive.”

“I’m not taking you back to our camp,” Ava refused. No way. Not near Judith. Carl. Shane… Oh, _Shane…_ She wanted to cry, but shook her head instead. “I’ll die first.”

Merle chuckled, like she was a child trying to argue with a giant. “That’s okay. You’re drivin’ us somewhere else.”

Ava felt a jolt of panic and glanced in Glenn’s direction. From this angle, all she could see were his bruised temple and closed eyes, but it was enough for her to know he was out cold. No chance. No escape. Backed into a corner again, and Shane wasn’t there to help.

She caught Maggie’s gaze again and sighed. She couldn’t leave her. _Shane, I’m so sorry…_ “Okay. Alright. I’ll do what you say, just-”

“Move!” Merle snapped. Ava flinched at the venom in his voice, then clenched her jaw as she walked towards the driver’s side door while Merle jerked Maggie to her feet and dragged her round to the passenger seat.

He pushed Maggie in first, then climbed in beside her and slammed the door shut before twisting to face Ava and hauling the other woman back against him. His bayonet was instantly at her neck again, but the gun was pointing towards Ava this time.

“Maggie, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Stop with the chit-chat,” Merle sneered. “ _Drive._ ”

Ava closed her eyes momentarily, took a deep breath, and started the engine.

Merle wasn’t clever enough to think of covering his tracks. Ava paid attention to the exact route they took, memorized that shit turn for turn, reversed it, flipped it… If they got their chance, she’d be able to make it back to the prison. _If._

She kept glancing at Maggie. If it was just her? If she was alone? She’d have crashed the truck into any of the trees that lined the roads by now, Merle’s side first, and taken the hit. It would have been messy, but it might have worked. Maybe. If she was lucky.

But she wasn’t alone. Like it or not, she had Maggie to think about and fuck, if that didn’t screw her over. She didn’t want to be concerned about the other woman. Didn’t want to lose her own life because she couldn’t risk another’s. And wouldn’t that just be the icing on the cake? Her own inactions being what killed her, not Rick’s? Her death would be the one that finally bumped that count to two, unless she acted fast.

She couldn’t bring herself to do it.

“Right up to them gates, girlie,” Merle commanded. “Don’t worry – they’ll let’cha in.”

Ava’s heart sunk. She was out of time.

So she did as she was told. Parked the truck. Got out. Followed Merle’s instructions.

He made Maggie sit down first. Held his blade to her throat to make sure Ava remained docile as he duct-taped the other woman to a chair. Checked she couldn’t break free. Then it was Ava’s turn. She tried to smile reassuringly at Maggie as he grabbed at her, but it morphed into a grimace as his fingers put pressure right over her self-sutured wound.

He dragged her into another room and shoved her into a chair at the end of a table, like they were at dinner and she wasn’t about to be tortured. Because that was what was going to happen, whether Maggie realized it or not. He’d separated them for a reason. He wanted her, first. She’d asserted herself as the biggest threat.

Merle held his gun to her head and let the roll of duct tape slide off the length of his blade into her lap in silent command. Ava gritted her teeth and wound the tape around her left wrist, binding herself to the chair as he leered at her. When she was done, he sliced through the tape and held his blade to her neck so he could tuck his gun away and secure her other wrist without giving her a chance to lash out.

Not that she would have. She wasn’t stupid.

“Ain’t that better?” Merle sighed as he moved round to the other end of the table. “Now we can talk, civilized, like.”

“You’re kidding, right?” she snarked. “Dunno what they taught you in that hick trailer park you grew up in, but this? This ain’t civilized. It’s disgusting.”

“Oh, ho ho! The mouth on you!” Merle licked his lips. “I like it.”

_That’s right. Focus on me. Not her._

“You know what your buddies did to me?” Merle continued, dragging the tip of his blade along the top of the table as he stalked towards her. “’Cause, see, now _that’s_ disgustin’.”

“We had nothin’ to do with-” Ava began, but Merle cut her off.

“Y’know what else’s digustin’?” He came to a stop right in front of her. “I didn’t mean you no harm. I lowered my gun, and what do you do? You raise yours. Try to kill me, too. Just as much of a bitch as the rest of ‘em.”

“You expect me to believe you were gonna just wait patiently while we got Daryl?” Ava scoffed. “Come _on,_ Merle. Even you’re not _that much_ of an idiot.”

He smirked and sat down on the table in front of her. “Seems like you know me pretty well. I take it the others talked about me?”

“Not really,” Ava deflected. “Not much to talk about.”

“Kitty’s got claws,” Merle crooned. “Ooh, we’re gonna have so much fun!”

Ava said nothing.

Merle started to pace again, the scraping of his blade across the table like nails on a chalkboard.

“How is everyone, anyways?” he asked nonchalantly. Ava glared at him. “Oh, c’mon now, doll, you can’t just tell me my baby brother’s alive and not follow through! Ain’t nice to tease a man.”

“You’re an animal,” Ava muttered disgustedly.

“No, I think your friends are the animals, honey.” He raised his eyebrows at the incredulous look on her face. “Which one you fuckin’, anyways? One of ‘em must’ve claimed that pretty little ass of yours. The Asian kid…? Nah, he’s stickin’ it to the farmer’s daughter in there, ain’t he? And you don’t look like the typ’a gal to be into that big old spear chucker, T-Dog…”

Ava scoffed her disdain, but neither confirmed nor denied his assumptions.

“So that leaves Officer Friendly, or…” He smiled widely, like the cat that caught its canary. “Officer Not-So-Friendly.”

Ava didn’t outwardly react, but she didn’t need to. He knew he was right – their puzzle pieces fit too well for him not to be.

“I thought he was with that other broad, the one with the kid?” Merle faked shock. “They weren’t good at keepin’ _that_ secret, all heart-eyes and sneakin’ off to the woods, but damn… Let me guess… He took one look at you and pulled outta her in no time.”

“You’re vile,” Ava muttered lowly.

“Come, now, don’t be like that!” Merle stalked towards her and leaned in close. “Can’t say I blame ‘im. You’re a fine piece’a-”

Ava snapped her head forward into his nose with a sickening crack.

Merle recoiled with a shout, which quickly morphed into a pained, bloody laugh as he stepped behind her and yanked at her hair, forcing her head up and almost toppling her and the chair over backwards in the process.

“Ooh, you like it like that, huh?” he whispered as he leaned down until his lips were by her ear. “Betcha he takes real good care’a ya, don’t he? Gives it to you real rough, like. Man like that knows how to _take_ what he wants, no pussyin’ around tryna be a gentleman.”

Ava tried not to flinch when his blade slid across her neck like a caress. “Get your _hand_ off me.”

“He the one that gave you them bruises?” Merle continued, unperturbed. “He like to show you who’s in charge, huh? Make you beg for him to give you his-”

“You’re pathetic,” Ava hissed, looking him straight in the eye. “Overcompensating for what you’re missing?”

Merle smiled like her comment hadn’t hit a nerve. “You don’t scare easy, do ya?”

“Not really,” Ava replied. “Hard to be scared of someone who’s three-quarters of a man.”

Merle yanked on her hair so hard, she felt some of it rip from her scalp as his blade pressed tight against her neck. “Oh, you’re gonna wish you never said that.”

He shoved her forwards until her face smacked against the table, stunning her momentarily and re-splitting her lip in the process. He stomped out of the room, leaving her groaning in pain when the duct-tape pulled on the still-healing cuts along her arms as she tried to bring herself upright again. The room spun, but she managed to keep it together until Merle returned, this time dragging Maggie along by her wrists behind him.

“So here’s how it’s gonna go,” he growled, thrusting Maggie in front of Ava and holding his blade beneath her breast. Maggie’s face was ashen, but she looked otherwise unharmed. For now. “You’re gonna tell me where my brother is, or this is gonna get real painful, real quick for Little Bo Peep, here.”

“You think he’s not already on his way with the others?” Ava retorted.

“They ain’t gonna find ya,” Merle taunted. “But even if they did, ain’t a pair of nuts between the whole pussy lot of ‘em. They ain’t gonna do shit. So, save us all the trouble and tell me where you been holed up.”

When Ava didn’t respond, Merle rolled his eyes, then shoved the tip of his blade under Maggie’s waistband, threatening to slice. Ava lurched forward, struggling against her binds.

“Leave her alone!”

“Now I gotcha,” Merle realized. “Not so brave now, are ya, honey?”

Ava scrambled for a way out, for something to buy them more time…

“Maggie, look at me. _Look_ at me…” she hissed, catching the other woman’s eye. “The farm’s not far, they’ll fin-”

“The farm?” Merle threw his head back and laughed as Ava made her face drop to make him think he’d caught her out. He slowly moved forward until he was pressed against Maggie’s back, but kept his eyes on Ava, taunting her. “Tell me, Maggie… this _farm_ you been stayin’ at. Is it your Daddy’s?”

“Please don’t hurt us,” Maggie stammered, and for a moment, Ava was worried she wouldn’t play along. But then she caught her eye.

“Ooh, I ain’t gonna hurt’cha,” Merle crooned. “Just tell me where my baby brother is, and we can put this all behind us.”

Maggie shook her head, not breaking eye contact with Ava for even a second. She’d understood Ava’s deliberate slip up.

Merle slammed his hand down on the table by Maggie’s hip, startling both of them.

“You wanna play that game?” Merle murmured softly, stroking his hand over Maggie’s hair. “I can do this all day. _All night._ ”

Maggie shuddered at his touch, then whimpered as he hauled her towards the door. He glanced over his shoulder at Ava. “You move? You so much as try to escape…? I’ll cut her tits off.”

Ava fought back a grimace and lifted her chin in defiance. He wouldn’t hurt Maggie. Not yet.

Merle smirked, then brought his lips to Maggie’s ear as they left the room. “C’mon, honey – we gotta go have a talk.”

The sound of the bolts sliding across echoed in their wake, and Ava closed her eyes against the tears that suddenly rushed to fill them. Maggie was strong, she could tell, but everybody had their breaking point. She just hoped that Maggie would deflect them, push them towards the farm and buy them just enough time to…

To what?

Ava tilted her head back and stared up at the dimly lit ceiling. There was no way Shane would be able to track them. No way for her to overpower enough of the men guarding the area to break free. All she could do was wait for something – _anything -_ to happen. She could hear Merle talking to Maggie for several minutes, but then her door was slamming and Merle’s heavy footsteps were leaving and…

Silence.

For the longest time.

So long, in fact, that the blood that had spilled from her lip had congealed and crusted, her fingers started to tingle, and she had come to terms with the reality of their dire situation.

She wouldn’t break, that much she was certain of. She was as good as dead already, had been as soon as she’d surrendered to Merle, but her family wasn’t. They’d have noticed she was gone by now, probably be out looking for them, but they wouldn’t find this place. At least not in time to save her or Maggie. She’d have to do the saving, instead.

She thought of Judith and her adorable little face. That baby smell. The gorgeous, familiar eyes that gazed up at her while she sang the lullaby. She thought of Carl and how his face lit up whenever he was around his sister. The way he always tried to be there, up front with the adults, one of the team… And Shane… Oh, _God,_ she thought of Shane. She knew that loss he’d be facing all too well. She’d been there when she’d thought he was going to die. He’d blame himself, and it would kill him. But he’d stay alive to keep _them_ alive.

She wouldn’t give their location up, not for anything.

The bolts slid back across.

Ava sat up straighter in her chair as the door opened and tried not to react as Maggie was brought in by a new man, wrists now unbound, with Merle trailing behind them. The unfamiliar man guided Maggie to the chair on the opposite side of the table, then looked up at Ava and smiled as he put a hand on Maggie’s shoulder to stop her sitting down.

“Sorry, I assume it’s okay if we join you?”

Ava’s eyes scanned over Maggie for any sign of injury but found none whatsoever. She nodded jerkily.

The man gestured for Maggie to sit, then smiled at Ava. “Thank you.”

Maggie glanced over to her, expression worried. Ava tried to silently reassure her, but the man started moving again and her attention focused on him instead. He slowly made his way towards her, drawing his knife from his belt. Ava eyed it warily as he stepped up beside her, and struggled not to tense.

“I apologize for my friend, there,” he said, gesturing to Merle with the blade before slicing through the tape that bound her wrists with a soft _schwick_. “We’ll take you back to your people, explain this was all just a misunderstanding. Just tell us where they are, and we’ll drive you there.”

“No, thank you,” Ava replied calmly as she rubbed her wrists. “We can find our own way back, once you let us go.”

“I can’t allow that,” the man countered as he came to a stop halfway along the table. Merle remained by the door. “Your people are dangerous – handcuffed my man to a roof, forced him to amputate his own hand…”

“Neither of us know anything about that,” Maggie murmured.

The man sighed. “I can’t endanger the lives of my people by allowing you to make your own way home. So tell us where this farm of yours is, and we’ll make sure both of you are safe, I promise.”

Ava stared at Maggie while the other woman looked down at the table. Silent.

“No? Okay. Let’s try something else.” He gestured to Ava. “Stand up, please.”

Ava didn’t move.

He shook his head disapprovingly. “Merle.”

The one-handed man stepped forward and held his blade to Maggie’s throat.

“Stand up and take off your shirt.”

Ava pushed herself to her feet and glared at him, ignoring the last half of his command.

“Take off your shirt, or your friend loses a hand.”

Ava clenched her jaw, then reached down to pull her tank top over her head.

The man’s eyebrows raised at the sight of her taped green and purple-tinged ribs, the various still-healing wounds that littered her body… He waved his hand towards her expectantly. “Go on.”

Ava heard Maggie whimper, but blocked it out as she took a steadying breath and removed her bra without breaking eye contact with the man. She kept her hands by her sides, not wanting to give him a reason to take her disobedience out on Maggie.

He slowly moved forwards and reached for her bicep, guiding her around the corner of the table until she was at a right angle to Maggie and he was at her back. He ran his fingers across her shoulder like a caress to play with the hair at the nape of her neck, right over where Shane had left a bruise the night before, then trailed his fingers along the chain of her necklace until they touched the pendant.

“That’s a nice necklace you got there,” he murmured, lips right by her ear. “That from your boyfriend?”

“Go to Hell,” Ava responded.

Her cheek slammed against the table as the man bent her over and pressed his hips against her ass with a harsh thrust. He ran the hand not twisted in her hair along her spine, tracing over the mosaic of colors that marred her skin and focusing on the ones over her kidneys.

“I’m trying to have a calm conversation with you, here,” the man all but growled. She heard the clinking of his belt being undone and made the mistake of glancing up at Maggie. The raw fear there made her try to turn her head away, but he shoved her hard against the table so she had no choice but to look in Maggie’s direction. “It doesn’t have to be like this. All you have to do is tell me where your people are.”

Ava caught Maggie’s eye and shook her head slightly. _Don’t._

“Still no?” the man sighed. “Very well.”

His rough hand forced its way between her body and the edge of the table and unbuttoned her jeans. He pushed the denim halfway down her thighs along with her panties, then grabbed for her wrists and pinned them against the small of her back, right over the bruises. Ava gritted her teeth and closed her eyes, but otherwise remained still.

“You know, I _really_ didn’t want it to happen this way,” he lamented, then groaned lowly as he rutted against her ass. “But now we’re here… I think I’m gonna enjoy this.”

“If you’re gonna rape me, just get it over with,” Ava muttered flatly. “I’m not telling you a damn thing, either way.”

“Oh, I already knew that. Woman with an attitude like yours?” He smoothed a hand over the side of her ass before spanking it harshly. “You were never going to talk.”

In one smooth move, her wrists were pinned above her head and the tip of his knife was pressing into her shoulder blade hard enough to draw blood. Ava barely flinched, but Maggie…

“No!”

Ava saw the man smirk out the corner of her eye as he leaned down over her and started to drag the knife down in a diagonal line, inch by inch. The sting was intense and her blood was warm as it leaked down her back and spilled onto the table. She clenched her hands into fists and tried not to scream.

“Your friend, however…” he whispered, then licked along the line he just carved into her skin as Maggie watched on in horror. He straightened up and rolled his hips into hers again, slow and hard. Ava swallowed against the nausea that burned a hole in her stomach at the feel of his erection straining against his pants and looked into the other woman’s eyes again.

“Maggie, it’s okay,” Ava calmed, sounding stronger than she felt. She flinched at the sharp pain of the blade cutting into her waist and couldn’t hold back tears as it sliced its way down towards the slight dimples at the bottom of her spine. “I’m okay.”

“Ava-”

The man wrenched Ava up by her hair until her back was arched and pulled tight against his chest, then made to press the knife into her stomach. Ava pushed at his wrist desperately as an overwhelming panic flooded through her, then hissed when the man yanked at her hair again before signaling for Merle to slice open Maggie’s throat.

Ava lifted her hands instantly and closed her eyes, surrendering.

“Tell me where your people are,” the man uttered lowly, pressing the flat side of the knife against her skin from hip to mons pubis, the tip angled down in silent warning of what it would be cutting next. “Or _Ava,_ here, won’t be making the trip home with you.”

“Ma-” Ava’s voice cut out when she felt the man’s hand slip between them so he could undo his pants, only to then continue as a whimper.

_No, no, no, no, no…_

“The Greene farm,” Maggie quickly blurted. “It’s my father’s.”

Maggie rattled off its rough location and Ava sobbed, entire body sagging with relief as the man re-zipped his pants and shoved her back down onto the table.

“How many?” he asked lightly, like he hadn’t just been about to… to…

“Eleven, including us,” Maggie rushed out. Ava closed her eyes. _Thank God._ “And my-my boyfriend, but I don’t know if he- if he…”

“Oh, he’d have made it back,” Merle sneered. “Rats always find a way.”

“So, ten of them, plus the two of you,” the man surmised. “Very well.”

He released Ava and bent down to snatch her tank top and bra from the floor before stalking out of the room, dragging Ava’s chair out with him. Merle withdrew his blade from Maggie’s neck and stared at Ava for a moment, expression unreadable, then pulled Maggie’s chair out the room and locked the door behind him without another word.


	18. Heathens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me?
> 
> Bit rough, still, but I promise it's all gonna be okay!
> 
> Let me know what you think xx

_Please don’t make any sudden moves._

_You don’t know the half of the abuse._

As soon as their footsteps faded to silence, Ava started shaking violently and her breaths came in heaving gasps that made her head spin. A hand touched her shoulder and she flinched away from the touch before her brain could process it was Maggie it belonged to, not _him._ An icy shiver ran up her spine.

_He almost… he almost…_

“Ava?”

She pulled her jeans up with trembling hands that were too weak to button them up, then turned away from Maggie and walked to the end of the table, where she doubled over and retched loudly. She heard Maggie step towards her, but held a hand up to stop her and breathed deep and slow, tears streaming down her cheeks to drip onto the floor.

“M’fine,” she croaked. “I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not,” Maggie whispered. “ _I’m_ not and he didn’t even tou-”

“Maggie, stop.” Ava straightened up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand as she closed her eyes and tried to stop herself from shaking. “Just stop.”

She wrapped her arms around herself and moved away from the table, unable to stand the sight of her own blood staining the surface. Her face was throbbing, especially her lip, but that was nothing compared to the thundering in her chest and the burning across her back. _He would have… He was going to…_

“Do you, uh…”

At the sound of shifting fabric, Ava turned to see Maggie half-way through removing her tank top.

“Maggie, no,” she mumbled with a shake of her head. “It’s okay.”

Maggie hesitated, then pulled her top back down. “Ava…”

“They’ll be back,” she muttered, resigned. “Keep yourself covered while you can.”

“Glenn’s coming for us,” Maggie assured her. “They all are. I just know it.”

Ava smiled sadly and tried to believe her. She honestly did. But she knew what would happen when that monster sent his men to check out the farm. When they discovered it was no longer occupied. It was only a matter of time.

“That table… how sturdy is it?” she wondered. Maggie gave it a tentative wobble with her hands.

“It’s pretty secure, why?”

Ava sighed, then forced her feet to move her toward the wooden object. Made her arms unfurl from their protective cage around her body. Ignored the red stains on the floor. “We’re gonna need a weapon.”

Maggie frowned as Ava used both hands to flip the table on its side and stepped on one of the legs.

“Get the other end,” she instructed. “Stand on the bottom leg – we’re gonna break ‘em off.”

“Ava…”

“You see anything else we can use?” Ava snapped, then gritted her teeth and closed her eyes. Counted to three. “Sorry. Sorry, I just-”

“Okay,” Maggie agreed, mirroring Ava’s position. “Say when.”

The two of them threw their body weight against the top of the table while keeping their feet firmly on the bottom legs, breaking the wood into pieces with a loud crack. They both froze instinctually as the noise echoed through the room, then bent over to hastily grab the splintered sections in case anyone else had heard and came to investigate.

Ava smothered a whimper as electric pain shot through her body with the movement, but quickly straightened up again and tried to play it off. She didn’t want Maggie to be anymore terrified than she already was – it made it harder for her to push away her own horror.

“We gotta wait by the door,” Ava mumbled as she stumbled past Maggie. The table legs were jagged where they’d broken off and would definitely do some harm, if they could get enough force behind them. “We’ll only have a second before they realize where we are, so we have to strike first.”

“And if there’s more than two of them?” Maggie pointed out. “Then what?”

“Then we die,” Ava replied simply. Maggie’s face dropped, and Ava ran a tired hand through her hair out of frustration. Forced herself not to grimace when it aggravated her shoulder wound. “Look, I don’t know, okay? But if they go to that farm? We’re definitely dead. And I can’t just stand here and wait for them to ra- to-...”

Maggie stepped forward and touched Ava’s arm to stop her mind from spiraling. “Then we try.”

Ava nodded and covered Maggie’s hand with hers. “Thank you.”

The women took up their places at the side of the door that would open first and looked to each other for strength. Maggie squeezed Ava’s fingers tightly, then gripped the table leg with both hands and raised it up over one shoulder, ready to strike. Ava took a deep breath before doing the same, cringing slightly at the movement.

She could barely stand the silence that fell upon them after that, but it was the only way they’d hear the men coming so she had to just deal with it. Push the screaming thoughts from her mind. Focus.

It was hard to remain standing – every part of Ava wanted to just curl up in a ball and hide. Not even Maggie’s presence beside her was enough to bury the memory of what that man had- She shook her head. Focused so hard time no longer meant anything and she’d lost track of how much of it had passed before she finally heard them.

“… screamer pits… blue eyes - she’s mine…”

Ava straightened up and adjusted her grip on the table leg. Felt Maggie do the same.

The moment the door opened, they swung.

The first man staggered with the force of Maggie’s blow, but she was quick to pounce on him, slamming him against the wall beside the door as Ava lunged for Merle. He dodged her first swing, but the second caught him under the chin and snapped his head back. He bellowed in pain as he swiped at her with his blade, catching her right across her bare ribs, but she hardly felt it, too focused on thrusting the splintered end of the table leg at his chest.

He deflected her move and swung his good arm out, hitting her right where Hershel had taped her up before elbowing her in the face. Ava grunted as she fell to the floor, doubled over from the agony that ravaged her chest and cheek, then barreled forwards into Merle’s legs to tackle him before he could reach for his gun. But he was stronger than her, more of a brawler, and it only took him a second to recover and flip her roughly onto her back, blade ready to strike.

“LET HER GO!”

Ava shuddered at the sight of Maggie’s bloodied hands aiming a gun at Merle and tried to blink away the blood that threatened to run into her eye from the attack. Everything was marred with black spots and fuzz, but she could see just clearly enough to know it was over. She just couldn’t warn Maggie in time.

“Okay,” Merle agreed, releasing Ava’s hair to let her head smack against the ground as he raised his arms in surrender. At the same time, one of the two men that had been creeping up behind Maggie pumped his shotgun.

Maggie froze and shot a desperate look at Ava as Merle got to his feet. _What now? What now? What now?_

Ava closed her eyes. _Now we die. Now we die._

“Give me the gun!” Merle spat as he snatched Maggie’s gun away, then turned to Ava. “Get up!”

Ava slowly rolled over onto her side so she could push herself to her knees, then yelped when Merle grabbed at her bicep and started to drag her back into the room they’d escaped from before she had a chance to fully stand. He threw her to the ground as one of the newcomers did the same to Maggie, then kicked her in the back right over the lines the monster from before had carved into her skin.

“Stop!” Maggie cried, but he just did it again and again until Ava was sure her ribs and shoulder blades were shattered and she would have been sobbing had she been able to breathe enough. Blood and saliva dripped thickly from her slack lips as she curled into a protective ball, knees tucked tight against her stomach while he battered the rest of her body with a ruthlessness she could never have prepared herself for.

“Get the fuck up!”

Ava spat out the blood in her mouth and struggled to force her body to co-operate enough to get her upright, desperate to avoid the further torture that awaited her if she didn’t. Every muscle protested, every inch of her screaming and shaking, but Maggie reached out to help steady her and gave her just enough strength to finally get to her knees. She wavered, body protesting the abuse, but refused to let herself collapse back to the floor. He didn’t deserve the satisfaction of breaking her.

“Ava?” Maggie whimpered. Ava took her hand and squeezed as tightly as she could through her tremors.

“It’s okay,” she croaked hoarsely, even though she knew it wasn’t. This was it. “Close your eyes.”

A hood was shoved over Ava’s face and she was grateful. She couldn’t hold in her tears anymore.

_Shane, I’m so sorry._

“Maggie, jus’close… your eyes.”

They bound her wrists in front of her, but the moment they were done she bent her elbows so her hands were up by her face, covering her breasts just enough that she couldn’t feel their gaze on them anymore. She’d give them nothing, because although they’d take everything no matter what she did, she wasn’t going to make it easier for them. It was the only thing she had left.

“On your feet!” a new voice demanded. “Move!”

Ava’s stomach heaved violently as she was forced to stand and pushed roughly towards the door, blood spluttering from between her lips at the shock of having to move again after such a brutal beat down. Her very bones seemed to groan with the movement, brittle and aching to crumble.

“Let’s go! Come on.”

Her feet wouldn’t co-operate, but the man gave her no choice except to stagger clumsily forwards, half bent over as she refused to lower her shaking arms. She almost tripped over the leg of the person Maggie had killed in their blitz attack, but caught herself just in time for a small object to bounce against her foot.

Something - or several somethings – exploded, filling the corridor with smoke that left Ava gasping painfully for air. She felt Maggie fall against her and pushed her bound hands against the wall to steady them both, then yanked the hood off from over her head before doing the same for Maggie. Not that it helped, at all – the smog was too thick for them to see their own hands, let alone anything else. But she wanted to see the faces of the people who were about to kill her. Make them look in her eyes as they did it. Haunt them until their next kill.

She stumbled forward with Maggie beside her, then squealed at the feel of hands grabbing her from the side, pulling her away from the group. Another body moved towards Maggie and started hurrying the women round the corner, but Ava couldn’t take it anymore.

“No,” she moaned, weakly trying to pull free from her captor. They just tightened their hold in response. “No more.”

They moved down one corridor and then the next, every step making Ava’s head swim and the nausea worsen. Merle’s elbow to her face had fucked up her head just as badly as his kicks, so when the smoke started to clear and she could make out the rough shapes of Rick and Daryl by her side, she thought she was hallucinating.

_Why couldn’t she have had a vision of Shane instead? That wasn’t fair._

The moment they rounded the next corner, the man beside her cut through her bindings to free her wrists and let her sag back against a wall. Her eyes fell shut.

_Shane, just show me Shane, that’s all I want…_

“Ava, stop talkin’.”

She frowned and tried to focus her vision again. “How’d you know my-”

As soon as she looked up into Rick’s concerned blue eyes, she staggered sideways in shock, only to be steadied by a firm grip on her bicep. Daryl. _They were real._

She vomited all over her shoes and swayed dangerously. The black spots were back.

“Whoa.” Daryl was the only thing keeping her upright, but his hold aggravated her shoulder and the pain made her knees weak.

“Lemme go.” She managed to move away but ended up falling into Maggie instead, trading one pillar for another.

“I’ve got you,” Maggie whispered as she carefully slid her arm around Ava’s waist to help her get upright again. “I’ve got you.”

Ava whimpered as the other woman’s hand slipped in the congealing blood covering her skin, sending more stinging pain all the way up her side. Nothing felt right, nerves misfiring and muscles so confused and battered they wouldn’t work together properly. Her body felt alien to her, but the pain was undeniably hers. She wished it wasn’t.

“We gotta move. Is she conscious?”

She leaned heavily against Maggie, not sure of the answer herself. She wasn’t even certain her limbs were still attached.

“Maggie, is she conscious?”

Rick moved toward them and Ava realized what he was about to do, recoiling away from him.

“M’fine,” she managed to grind out. “Don’need’y’t’carry m-…”

She missed the look Rick and Maggie shared. Focused what little energy she had on staying awake so nobody would try to touch her.

_Keep going. Keep moving. Keep breathing._

Everything seemed to blur into one, then. Their rushed footsteps. Shouts. Inside becoming outside. Fire. Sidewalk. Pain.

_Keep going. Keep moving. Keep breathing._

“Inside, quick!”

Ava fell to her hands and knees the moment she got through the door Rick had flung open for them and Maggie went down with her, shielding her from view. She pressed her forehead to the ground, relief and shock and horror and pain wreaking havoc on her already spent mind and body. _Fuck,_ she was sleepy. If she could just close her eyes for a moment…

“Ain’t no way out back here.”

“Where’s that woman?”

_Shane._

_He would fix this. He’d make it okay._

“Maybe she was spying.”

 _Maybe she_ _was dying. Was that how this worked?_

“Want me to go look for her?”

“No. We gotta get ‘em outta here. She’s on her own.”

_All by herself. He wasn’t there to save her. Couldn’t be saved. Done. Over. Finished._

“Rick.”

Ava flinched at the feel of Maggie’s hand running over her hair and her voice so close. Like his. Like his.

A sharp intake of breath made Ava grimace, and then another body was crouching down at her other side and she shuddered violently when the sound of rustling fabric met her ears.

_No more… no more…_

“How bad’s she hurt?”

“I don’t… I…” Maggie stammered, then covered Ava’s back with a shirt that must have been under Daryl’s angel wing vest. She recognized, somewhere in the haze, the tattered hem. She’d offered to fix it for him, but he’d said no. Now it’d be ruined by her blood instead. “It’s bad. They…”

“ _They?_ As in, plural?”

Ava’s hands shook so hard it was difficult for Maggie to guide them through the shirt’s armholes. She tried to help, but just made it worse with how uncoordinated she’d become.

“Shane,” she mumbled almost inaudibly. “Where’s Shane?”

Rick helped Maggie pull the fabric around to Ava’s chest but didn’t make a move to touch her. “What happened?”

Ava strained to sit upright, then fumbled to do up the buttons that Maggie hesitated to. The fabric stuck to her wounds on her back and everything feel like it was on a carousel, moving, moving...

“She wouldn’t tell him where we…” Maggie started to explain, but trailed off. “So he and M- uh…”

Ava’s spine stiffened at the mere mention of the monsters that had tried to kill her and caught the look Maggie sent Daryl’s way, heard how her voice cut out before the name could leave her lips. But it was too late.

“Who?” Daryl stepped forward, anxiety radiating off him. “Maggie, who?”

Maggie shook her head, unable to say it.

“Merle,” Ava ground out for her. Pain flashed across Daryl’s face at the confirmation. “He-”

She fell forwards as she dry-heaved and spat out more blood, shoulder jarring at having to suddenly bear weight. Her body wanted to give in again, and she wanted to let it. God, did she want to let it. But she couldn’t. The carousel kept on turning.

“They were gonna… They almost…” Maggie couldn’t get those words out either.

“My brother’s this Governor?”

“The what?” Ava managed to mumble, swiping the back of her shaking hand over her mouth as she sat upright again with Rick’s help this time. His touch burned despite its gentleness. “Governor of where? _Here?_ ”

Daryl looked at her helplessly, but she had no idea what he wanted from her. She couldn’t give him anything, would still be curled up on the floor if Rick wasn’t letting her lean against him. _Fuck, her head hurt._ It didn’t make sense, there being a Governor of anything. The world was fucked. So was she.

“The leader, the _Governor_ or whatever he… He was the one who almost… but your brother? He helped. Watched,” Maggie finally supplied. “He’s the guy’s lieutenant or something.”

Ava shuddered and leaned away from Rick, planting her hands back on the ground instead. Merle was not a soldier. He was barely even human. Titles meant nothing.

“Does he know I’m still with you?” Daryl’s tone was pleading, begging them to say something that would absolve his brother of guilt, give him something to hold onto. But she couldn’t do it.

“Yes,” Ava groaned at the floor. “And that didn’stop’im from-”

Her stomach twisted again as she tried to stand – _why was she standing? -_ and she keeled over into Rick again, who had barely made it to his feet himself.

His hand grazed her elbow. “Christ…”

“It’s’kay.” She looked up at his face through bleary eyes. “Rick, I didn’t tell’m… Judith, Carl… they’re safe.”

Rick placed a gentle hand against her cheek and shook his head in disbelief. Like her thinking of the children was so incongruous it made no sense. _He had no idea…_

“Where’s- Where’s Shane?” she whispered, lost and overwhelmed.

“We got cars a few miles out,” Rick soothed. “He’s there. Had to fight to make him wait, but…”

Ava shuddered, too horrified to feel any relief. She wouldn’t have time to recover. To clean up. To hide. “Can’t see m’like this, can’t-”

“We gotta move,” Oscar reminded them, startling her. She’d barely even registered he was there. “They’ll be looking.”

“Can you walk?” Rick asked softly.

“I’ll help her,” Maggie promised. She stepped forwards and carefully wrapped her arm around Ava’s waist, trying to avoid the worst of her injuries.

Ava leaned into her gratefully and nodded at Rick. The motion created four of him. “We’re good.”

Rick smiled reassuringly. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Hey, if Merle’s alive, I need to see him!” Daryl protested as Rick moved towards the door.

“Not now – we’re in hostile territory,” Rick argued. “Look what he did.”

“He’s my brother, he ain’t gonna try’n-”

“ _Look_ at what he did!” Rick hissed. Ava ducked her head and stared at the rocking floor. “Look at her! We gotta get ‘em outta here right now.”

“Maybe I can talk to him and work something out?” Daryl tried, and Ava unthinkingly let out a laugh that was more of a sob. _Because talking clearly worked last time._ Maggie rubbed her thumb over Ava’s waist to comfort her, like she knew exactly what was going on in her head. She probably did. _Round and round and round…_

“No, no, no, you’re not thinkin’ straight,” Rick cut across, placing his hand on Daryl’s shoulder to make him meet his gaze. “They’re hurt. Real bad. I can’t make her run, not like this. If we get overrun by walkers or this _Governor_ catches up to us, how are we gonna get her out? I need you!”

Ava wavered where she stood, blinking blearily, but Maggie was quick to help her take a shaking step forward instead of back like her body wanted. The movement drew Daryl’s attention, and his expression twisted at the sight of her struggling to stay conscious.

“Are you with me?” Rick urged.

Daryl sighed. “Yeah.”

“Ava, Maggie? You stick together right behind me,” Rick instructed as the group started to prepare for their next move. “Keep low, stay tight – we’re getting you out of here, okay?”

“Okay,” Ava mumbled. She wasn’t really processing what was happening anymore, if she ever was, and Rick seemed to be able to tell for he quickly stopped what he was doing to move closer.

“Hey,” he whispered, tilting her chin up so he could catch her gaze. Ava chuckled, unsure which of his three pairs of eyes to focus on, then frowned. _That wasn’t right._ “We’re getting you back to Shane. I promise.”

_Shane…_

Ava nodded and closed her eyes so she could breathe, push out everything else except _him_.

_Brown eyes. Tender kisses. Playful smile._

He was all she thought about as the group left their shelter and started to move. Her only focus as the smoke grenades and flashbangs went off ahead of her. _Get to Shane. Get to Shane._

Maggie tugged on her arm – _when had they stopped? –_ and spurred her into moving again, hurrying them both across towards some school buses while Rick and Daryl laid down cover fire. Oscar climbed up ahead of them, then reached out for Ava’s hand.

With a barely contained scream, Ava let him haul her onto the hood of the bus beside him and swayed unevenly as the pain took over her body. She fell against the front window for support, then climbed on top of the roof with Oscar’s help, ribs jostling with every movement she made.

“RICK!”

Ava turned at the sound of Maggie’s panicked screech in time to see Oscar topple from the bus with a bullet wound piercing his stomach. She froze up, horrified, until Maggie put him out of his misery with a bullet of her own through his head. Her hands clinging to the roof were all that kept her steady.

“RICK!”

He was at the bus in seconds, pushing Maggie up ahead of him while screaming for Daryl to join them. Ava grabbed Maggie’s hand to assist her as she climbed up onto the roof too - probably more of a hindrance than a help but at least she’d tried, right? - then gingerly shifted herself to the edge of the bus and noticed the harsh drop ahead. The black spots were dangerous, now. She could barely see, let alone comprehend the complexities of doing what came next without breaking her body even further in the progress. _Gotta get off the carousel sometime._

“I can’t do this,” she mumbled even as Maggie landed safely on the ground outside the town wall. “I can’t-”

“Yes, you can,” Rick assured her, quickly sliding down ahead before reaching up to catch her. “C’mon.”

Ava shook her head, fear overriding rational thought. The carousel spun faster.

“Shane is right there,” Rick appealed, drawing her focus back in. “ _Right there._ Just a little more.”

She forced her legs to swing over the edge, then hesitated. “Rick…”

“I’ve got ya,” he swore. “C’mon.”

She closed her eyes and pushed, falling into Rick’s arms with a groan. _That hurt._

Her stomach twisted, but she kept it in check by some miracle. Her brain, though… “R’ck…”

“I gotcha.” He shifted her to a less agonizing position against him, her legs slung loosely around his waist as he cradled the back of her head with one hand and supported her thighs with the other. Her forehead lolled against his neck. “Let’s go.”

He carried her away from the wall until they reached the cover of an old train and the dizziness got too much for her to bear. She needed to lie-

“Down,” she pleaded, then moaned lowly when he finally set her feet back on solid ground. It didn’t feel so solid to her. But if she could just rest for a moment…

“You good?”

“Yeah,” she lied as she swayed on the spot. She couldn’t have been further than good if she tried.

Rick rushed ahead, sliding between the train cars before signaling for the two women to join him. Maggie’s gentle hand on her back forced Ava’s body to move, but she was clumsy and uncoordinated, staggering after them both more than stealthily following. She dropped to her knees beside Maggie and slumped against the truck Rick was hiding behind.

“Come on, Daryl,” he muttered urgently. “Come on…”

The rustling of fallen leaves made Ava tense up, and all three of them turned to see a dark-skinned woman slide out from under the train, bloodied and out of breath. Rick got to his feet and stepped forward, gun raised. Maggie did the same. Ava couldn’t.

“Where the Hell were you?” he growled. “Put your hands up. Turn around. _Turn around!_ ”

Ava swallowed thickly. _Don’t hurt her._

Rick disarmed the woman of her katana before leaning toward her, voice low with anger. “Get what you came for?”

“Rick…” Ava wasn’t sure the word was even audible, if it came out of her at all.

“Where are the rest of your people?” the woman asked softly.

“They got Oscar. Daryl’s missing…” Maggie’s voice shook. “You didn’t see him?”

The woman shook her head.

“If anything happens to him-” Rick began, but she cut him off.

“I brought you here to save them.”

“Thanks for the help.”

Ava somehow pushed herself close enough to touch Rick’s leg, more of a weak pat than the restraining hold she intended. “Don’t hurt her.”

Rick twisted round and stared at her incredulously.

“Please.” _No more._

“You don’t even know her name,” he pointed out.

“Don’need to,” Ava croaked. “You can’t… Y’can’t’jus’…”

Her hand slipped away and Rick’s expression softened slightly as he glanced her up and down, taking stock of the injuries – old and new.

“Fine.” He looked to the new woman. “You take her to the car. Back to Shane.”

Ava closed her eyes and sagged with relief. _Yes. Shane._

“Maggie – you with me?”

“Course,” Maggie agreed.

Rick crouched in front of Ava and handed her the katana. “If she does anything, if she so much as-”

“I’ll be okay,” Ava promised feebly. “Jus’go get Daryl.”

Rick held her gaze for a moment longer, then nodded and gestured for Maggie to go with him in the direction of the town. Ava watched him disappear among the black dots in her vision, the adrenaline and anxiety mixing uneasily in her stomach and making her feel even closer to passing out than before.

“Hey.” The other woman placed a gentle hand on her upper arm.

Ava struggled to her feet and smiled weakly. Blinked away the shadows. Resisted the tightness in her chest. The urge to sleep. “M’good.”

“Merle had you,” the woman muttered. “You’re anything but good.”

Ava felt her eyes well with tears and couldn’t stop them falling. She wrapped her arms around herself and swayed. “Which way?”

With the woman’s – _Michonne,_ she introduced herself as – help, Ava managed to make it through the trees for almost half a mile before having to stop. Carrying the katana was making her arms burn so she handed it back to its owner, then staggered over to a tree. She braced herself against the bark and tried not to throw up now she no longer had the distraction of placing one foot in front of the other to focus on instead.

“We’re almost there,” Michonne assured her, stepping in front to shield her as she scanned the area for walkers while Ava recovered. “Only a mile or two left.”

“Only a mile or two,” Ava repeated flatly. She smothered a sob with her hand. She wasn’t going to make it that far. She’d barely managed to get _there_.

“The man at the car – Shane? He’s your partner, right?” Michonne murmured. “Your husband?”

Ava nodded numbly.

“He’s waiting for you. You can’t give up now.”

Ava inhaled as deeply as she could, then hissed. “Fuck.”

“We’ll make it,” Michonne stated. “I’ll get you there.”

“Uh-huh,” Ava moaned. She shook away the adrenaline come-down and forced her scattered brain to focus just a little longer. “He can’t kno’w’happen’d.”

“He’s gonna take one look at you and-”

“I know.” Ava straightened up and grimaced at the pull. “I know, bu’please… Don’t tell’m.”

Michonne turned to stare at her, an expression akin to pity but also admiration on her face. Ava met her gaze, willing her to agree, then swallowed thickly when the other woman finally nodded.

She took a moment to gather herself, then gestured for Michonne to start walking before her body caught on to the plan and rebelled.

_Left. Right. Left. Right._

She forced herself to keep moving.

_Left. Right. Left. Right._

Sting. Pull. Burn. Bleed.

_Left. Right. Left. Right._

Hiss. Groan. Sigh. Crunch.

_Left. Right. Left. Right._

“Shane, it’s us.”

She looked up and the world stopped.

Shane was pacing back and forth beside the Hyundai, but froze at the sound of Michonne’s voice. His head snapped up, heart pounding in his chest as two women emerged from the trees. He’d recognize that shade of auburn anywhere. His feet were moving before his brain had to tell them to, thumping along the ground until she was stumbling into his arms with a heaving sob.

_She’s here. She’s alive. She’s safe._

“Oh, God. I thought… I thought…” he rushed out, burying his face in her hair. She was real. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Ava curled her fingers against his waist, clinging on tightly. He felt her shudder as he tightened his hold, then cursed his own thoughtlessness and carefully pushed her back so his hands could cup her cheeks and he could meet her gaze instead. He needed to see, needed to know…

“Ava?”

She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice and reached up with both hands to grab his wrists as she wavered on the spot. She brought their arms down, away from her face, then tipped forward until her forehead was pressed against his shoulder. She was barely even conscious. The swelling dominating one side of her face told him why.

His stomach dropped. “Darlin’?”

She shook her head slowly, trembling all over. Shane glanced over to Michonne. She looked away. _It was bad. Very bad._

“Ava, what’s…” He looked down at her shoulder and his blood turned to ice in his veins. “You’re bleedin’.”

Ava groaned and pressed herself closer against him, fingers tangling in his belt loops.

“Ava… Talk to me.”

“Jus’ a few scr’tchs,” she slurred. “An’m’face.”

Shane saw red.

“No!” Ava wriggled weakly away from his searching hands, refusing to let him see the ‘ _scratches’_ beneath the fabric that had made red seep out and stain. Waist. Shoulder. God only knew what was on her front. “Shane, m’okay! I’m okay!”

That was a lie. He knew it was a lot worse than that. She wouldn’t be hiding it otherwise.

“Where else?" he demanded to know. Ava reached up to cup his face and guide his eyes back to her unfocused ones. He could tell even that movement hurt her. His hands clenched into fists. “Ava.”

“Doesn’t matter,” she whispered desperately. “Shane, it doesn’t matter.”

“Like fuck it doesn’t. You’re barely fuckin’ conscious, an’ I know it don’t stop there. They ain’t just given you a coupl’a cuts,” he growled. He clenched his jaw and glanced up, seeking out Rick. “Where’re the others?”

“They went back for Daryl,” Michonne told him quietly. “Rick said to wait here.”

_Wait here, you’ll just get in the way, I got her, Brother, I got her…_

“I ain’t waitin’ no more.” Shane rolled his neck, then gently moved Ava’s hands away from his face. “Stay in the car.”

“Shane-”

He was moving before he could comprehend it, vision distorted by pure rage as he started towards the trees. He was going to kill them. Every last one of them. He was going to. He had to. They hurt her. They-

 _“Shane!”_ Ava’s panicked footsteps stumbled after him until she was clinging onto his wrist in a feeble attempt to drag him back towards the car that almost sent her tumbling to the ground instead. “ _Shane, no!_ ”

The pain he heard in the words made him stop.

Ava stepped in front of him with tears spilling down her cheeks, and he got a clear look at her for the first time. Her lip was split, cheek bruised and torn, eye swollen, temple purple, hair wrecked. She held her body awkwardly, shoulder hitched, arm cradled across her, hands on her lower abdomen and waist. Buttons of her shirt were done up wrong, except…

“That ain’t your shirt.” The voice was shaky, barely recognizable as his. He followed the line of buttons until he reached her jeans, and nausea overwhelmed him. _No… God, please, no…_ “Your jeans.”

Ava scrambled to do the fly up, then reached out for him with clumsy hands, clutching his arms, his shoulders, his face… “Shane, Shane, it’s not- s’not what it looks like.”

“Let go of me,” he said flatly. He didn’t want to hurt her by pulling out of her hold. Couldn’t hurt her. But them? _Them?_ “Right now.”

They were going to pay for what they’d done.

“No.” Ava shook her head and stepped forward, crushing herself against him even though it must have been excruciating for her. “No, Shane, you can’t. You _can’t!_ ”

“Princess.”

“No,” she whimpered. Begged. “Don’t leave.”

_Should never have left her by herself. Promised nothin’ would ever hurt her again. Had sworn…_

The desperation in her voice had his eyes closing and body surrendering. No matter how much he was burning, aching, shaking with the need to find the person who’d- who’d-… He couldn’t go anywhere, now. Not with her holding onto him like he was the only thing keeping her alive. He slowly brought his hands up to her back, rubbing soothing circles as lightly as he could.

“Okay,” he relented. “Okay.”

Ava sobbed and reached up to loop her arms around his neck as her whole body shook against him. He groaned softly, then carefully lifted her up so her legs could wrap around him as well. She buried her face in his neck, seemingly oblivious to the state of her body, but Shane could tell her ribs were injured just as badly as her back from how she held herself. Rage boiled his insides, turned them to lava. Her breathing was wrong, too.

“I wanna go home,” she whispered. “I just wan’go home.”

He slowly carried her to the Hyundai, silently willing Michonne to stand guard. The dark-skinned woman nodded and took up her position without hesitation. Granted them some privacy. Ava’s stuttered breaths puffed against his neck, almost becoming wheezes by the time he adjusted her weight to open the rear door.

She was far too weak to stand on her own, but it was impossible for him to get her onto the backseat by herself without aggravating at least one of her wounds. He pressed his lips to her hair and took a beat to calm himself. Think rationally. Breathe. He took a step back with her still in his arms and popped open the trunk, grabbing the medical supplies there before slamming it closed again. He threw the bag in ahead of him, then turned so his back was to the car and carefully sat down on the edge of the back seat.

With Ava still in his lap, he awkwardly twisted until he could get one leg, then the other inside the car, and shut the door behind them. He shifted towards the middle of the seat, where there would be the most room, and leaned back so she could settle more comfortably against him.

“That okay?” he murmured.

“Mhmm.” Ava lifted her heavy head from his neck and reached out to touch his ribs with furrowed brows. “Your-”

“It’s fine,” he promised. It was true – his adrenaline levels were pumped through the roof so the pain was non-existent. Not that he’d have moved her if they weren’t. “Ava…”

She whined and let her forehead press against his, hands falling to his shoulders. “Don’t ask me.”

“Alright,” he croaked. “But, baby, I gotta know…”

“He didn’t-” She closed her eyes as more tears spilled from them. “He didn’t rape me.”

That did little to comfort him.

“I know how fine the line between sexual assault and rape is, Darlin’,” he whispered.

A shuddered breath.

“He didn’cross’t.”

The unspoken confirmation unleashed a pained groan from low in his chest, made his fingers clench into fists against his thighs, eyes burn with angry tears. “ _Oh, Ava._ ”

“M’okay,” she slurred helplessly. “I’m okay.”

“I’m so sorry,” he choked out. “Darlin’, I-”

“Please don’t.” Her fingers clutched his shirt. “I can’t stand hearin’ your voice so…”

Shane cradled her close to his chest and let one of his hands run over her hair to soothe her. He rocked slightly, head tilted up to the roof of the car as his mind ran wild.

_Hands on her. Grabbing. Pulling. Tearing. Hurting._

“Stop thinkin’ ‘bout it,” she pleaded. “Need y’here.”

“I am. I’m here, I promise.”

He let her sit up and clenched his jaw to stop himself from visually reacting to the warzone her face had become. Her eyes were glassy and only half-focused, cheeks red and puffy, but then her lips were pressed against his and all he could feel was swollen and split skin, taste metal and salt and-

“ _Shane_ ,” she whined. He forced his mouth to respond, to kiss her back, to be tender and gentle and careful but present. She groaned quietly, then grabbed his hands and held them against her hips as she started to sob – a sound he wished he didn’t recognize as pain.

“I gotta patch you up, Darlin.”

She shook her head in protest, but he nodded to counter it.

“Come on, Sweetheart. C’mon.”

“ _Oh…”_ She shuddered, then leaned into his touch as he gently pushed her hair back from her face.

“I won’t ask what happened,” he promised. Her eyes fluttered open to meet his. “I won’t ask, but you gotta let me help you. I can’t… I can’t take this.”

“I didn’t wan’ya to see.” Her face crumpled. “You shouldn’t have t’see.”

“Hey,” he whispered. God, she always thought of everyone but herself… “There shouldn’t even be anything there _for_ me to see.”

“I had to.” She squeezed his hands, begging him to believe her even though her words made no sense. The trauma must have been catching up to her, somehow. “I had to.”

“I know,” he murmured to placate her. “Sweetheart, I know.”

He kissed her forehead, then carefully guided her off his lap and grimaced when she swayed wildly.

“M’okay.”

She was lying to herself more than him.

“What hurts most?” He couldn’t get the words out right but pushed through, made his mouth and lips force them to reach her ears. “Where’s the worst parts?”

“M’ribs,” Ava mumbled. “Back.”

Shane scrubbed his hand over his head and forced himself to take a deep breath. “Alright. I’mma lift this shirt up, okay?”

Ava flinched as soon as his fingers brushed over the fabric.

He stopped and gritted his teeth. Reeled in his anger. Focused. “Ava…”

She nodded weakly, silently telling him to keep going.

He closed his eyes to gather himself, then tried again. She suppressed her body’s reaction this time, but he couldn’t control his. His stomach convulsed as he lifted the shirt to reveal a myriad of deep red and purple boot prints along her ribcage. She’d barely healed from the last fuckin’… What they’d done wasn’t about them keeping her in line. It was domination. A power trip. Cowardice.

“Can you turn?” he almost grunted. Ava froze up and he swallowed hard. _So that was where the worst bits were._ “Darlin’.”

She slowly twisted round until he could access the other side of her back and started unbuttoning the shirt so he wouldn’t have to. She hesitantly pushed the fabric off her shoulders and let it fall into his hands.

He sucked in a sharp breath.

Fingers twisting into the fabric in his lap, he closed his eyes and prayed for the strength to stay in the car. To not outwardly react and scare Ava more than she already was. She was trembling, but her spine was rigid with tension as she waited for him to say something.

He stayed silent. Just leaned forwards and pressed his lips to her shoulder, right next to the cruel ribbon of carved flesh that marred it.

Ava sobbed and almost collapsed in on herself, reaching behind her with one hand to grab his arm and pull it round her. He shifted closer and rested his forehead on the shoulder that didn’t bear the mark of her torture. The fingers of his free hand traced a curve alongside the gash that ran from her waist to the dimples in her spine, tacky from her blood.

“Those were th’Governor,” she confessed.

Shane closed his eyes. “The rest?”

Her voice cracked. “Merle.”

He clenched his jaw so tight he thought his teeth would snap, then stretched his fingers out flat so they couldn’t curl into fists. He should’ve killed Dixon when he had the chance. Had known he was no good from the start. Men like him never were.

“I gotta stitch these,” he gritted out. “But I can’t… I can’t put you through more… Darlin’, I-”

“Leave ‘em for Hershel,” she whispered, then swayed on the spot again, kept upright only by his arm across her waist. “Jus’cov’r’em.”

He leaned round to see her eyes half-shut and face pale. “Ava?”

She blinked rapidly and wheezed in a breath before nodding. “M’here.”

He patched her up as best and quick as he could, focused on the task at hand and not Ava’s deteriorating state. Her ribs were so far beyond his jurisdiction that it seemed cruel to even attempt to do anything for them, but the rest? The rest he could make do for. Bandages. Gauze. Anti-septic. Rinse and repeat.

As soon as he was done, he picked up Daryl’s shirt and paused, unsure what to do.

“Yours,” Ava protested quietly, solving his dilemma. “Wan’yours.”

He didn’t hesitate.

Ava moaned at the warmth from his shirt as he guided her arms through the sleeves and pulled it across her skin. She carefully turned to face him and let her forehead rest against his so he could do the buttons up for her. He avoided her bare breasts, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. They’d taken her bra. Made her bare her chest for them. _Deep breath. Calm._

The moment the last button was fastened, he let his hands drop and held hers tightly. They breathed each other in, reality truly sinking in for the first time since she’d stumbled into his arms. They were reunited. Together. Alive. Breathing. _There._

“I’m tired,” Ava sighed weakly.

“You might be concussed.” Off her pained groan, he continued, “I’ll wake ya up every two hours.”

Ava sagged with relief. “Can I… Can I sleep on…”

“Course, Darlin’.”

Shane moved back to his original position and helped her climb back into his lap. She settled against his chest with her face nuzzled against his neck but didn’t fully relax – there was no way she’d be able to without hurting her ribs more. Instead, she slipped her hands under his arms to press against the back of the seat just enough to stop their chests from crushing together painfully.

They said nothing more, after that. Ava eventually drifted off, lulled to sleep by the rhythm of his hand stroking along her scalp. But Shane?

Shane wouldn’t sleep until he’d slaughtered every single one of the monsters that had so much as looked at her.


	19. Chasm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's okay, my loves! Things will ease up on the angst front after this, I promise.
> 
> Let me know your thoughts - they genuinely make my day and inspire me to keep going! xx

_When I heard that sound,_

_When the walls came down,_

_I was thinking about you._

_About you._

Ava was unconscious.

And then she wasn’t.

She lifted her head from its warm pillow with a gasp that had her chest seizing and her mind spiraling.

_Where-who-what-when-how-_

“Hey, hey, hey… It’s alright, you’re alright…”

Gentle hands smoothed over her hair and the less painful side of her back, but her lungs wheezed in breathless pants as she panicked, unable to recognize who they belonged to, unable to differentiate between that and _them._

_Merle. The men. Blades. Hands. Hips. Cutting…_

“I gotcha… I gotcha, Darlin’…”

Ava whined in pain, body protesting her movements but desperate to escape, then froze as lips grazed her own. Familiar. Careful. She moaned softly in recognition. _Shane._

“You’re safe,” he whispered, mouth moving slowly with hers. “I’m here.”

She surrendered into the kiss and so did her body, ending its terrified spasms and calming with every gentle movement of his lips against her own. Her hands rested on his bare chest instead of fighting and her ribs stopped contracting. Her heart slowed and her head gave up its relentless spinning just long enough for her to catch her breath.

“Shane…”

“Yeah, baby,” he murmured. “It’s me.”

Ava closed her eyes and bowed her head. She wanted to curl into him, have him wrap her in his arms and never let go, but with every part of her aching she could barely stand even the light contact of sitting on his lap. Her brain wasn’t in much of a better state - she felt like she’d slept for days yet only minutes at the same time, and it left her disorientated.

“W’time’s it?” she slurred out.

Shane glanced outside, then sighed out a laugh and cupped her face with gentle hands, bringing her eyes level with his. She leaned into the touch, ignoring the burn from her cheek. “Sunrise, Darlin’.”

She opened her eyes. “Sunrise?”

He nodded, the significance of it not lost on either of them.

Ava sobbed. Shane cradled her to his chest and kissed her hair, rocking her from side to side as she let it all out. The fear. The anger. The panic. It escaped from her in uncontrollable torrents, but he was there like he always was, holding her together and keeping her from sinking under the weight of everything that had happened and was still happening to her.

“You’re safe now,” he swore. “Just rest. I’ve gotcha.”

She curled her fingers into his shirt, tempted to just give in, then pushed herself upright and shook her head. She needed to sleep more and she knew it, they both did, but despite the agony ravaging her she was suddenly jittering with anxiety and desperate to move.

“Where’s Judith? Where’s Carl?” she stammered, fumbling to free herself from Shane’s arms. _Why hadn’t she asked about them sooner? God, they were back at the prison all alone… what if- what if-_ “I gotta- Shane, I gotta-”

“Hey.” Shane helped her off his lap but placed a firm yet gentle hand on her leg to stop her going any further. “They’re safe, don’t worry.”

“I need t’see ‘em,” Ava muttered. They’d prove it wasn’t all for nothing, remind her why she’d done what she had, show it was worth it… It was for them. Every second of it.

“You will,” Shane promised. “But you ain’t goin’ anywhere yet.”

She nodded, but it wasn’t enough to settle her. Her mind was going a mile a minute and she couldn’t keep up. It was making her dizzy. “And Rick? Is he back yet? S’Daryl okay?”

Questions spilled out of her, one after another, but there was nothing she or Shane could do to stop it. She had to see for herself. Had to _know._ She reached for the door handle, only to find her fingers wouldn’t grab onto it properly no matter how hard she tried.

After a few moments, Shane’s hand covered hers and his lips fell to her shoulder, stilling her.

“Stop.”

Ava closed her eyes and moaned softly as he shifted behind her, the warmth of his body melting the tension in hers.

“Take a breath. Calm down. You’re okay.”

“I gotta move, Shane,” she pleaded. She could hear him say something, feel his concerned gaze on her face, but couldn’t process any of it. “Shane, I gotta g-”

He pushed open the door just in time for her to double over and vomit onto the ground, narrowly missing the interior of the car. She choked as pain racked her entire being with each heave of her stomach, but Shane rubbed the hand that wasn’t holding her hair away from her face in careful circles over her back to ease her panic. He’d known that was coming, even if she hadn’t.

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “Get it out. Get it all out.”

“Fuck...” Ava croaked. Her forehead dropped to the cool leather of the backseat as every part of her gave up at once.

“Breathe,” Shane urged, then quickly climbed out his side of the car to rush round to hers, making a brief stop at the trunk along the way. He ran his fingers through her hair and pressed a bottle of water into her hands as she weakly tried to sit up. “Easy, now.”

She managed to get herself upright just enough for him to be able to lift the bottle to her lips, and the sensation of the cool liquid running over her mouth and down her throat was almost enough to make her cry. She sagged forward weakly - the brutality of what had happened to her was still sending aftershocks through her body, but her mind just couldn’t process that much pain at once.

“Shane…” she groaned.

Shane popped out two pills from the blister pack he’d grabbed along with the water bottle and crouched down in front of her, not caring that he was probably stepping in the liquid and blood she’d brought up with her vomiting. He’d expected her to need them, and it wasn’t as if he could take her back to Hershel for his approval before letting her take them. She was in agony. Even if the pills only took the edge off, it would still be better than watching her writhe around in pain or listening to her scream.

“Here, sweetheart.”

He slipped the pills between her lips and helped her tip the bottle back so she could swallow them. Her stomach visibly churned, but she managed to keep them down. Just.

“What dya need?” he asked quietly, rubbing a hand up and down her bicep as she breathed in short little gasps. She grimaced, skin turning even paler as she leaned into his touch.

Shane pushed her hair back from her face. Her eyes had become unfocused again, but part of that was from the pain of being doubled over the way she was. She was damned if she stayed still, and damned if she didn’t. He cursed under his breath.

“S’too small,” Ava muttered after a moment, the words getting jumbled in her mouth and coming out as one. “Gottas’and… up…”

He kissed her forehead. “Alright, sweetheart.”

He helped her maneuver herself until her legs were out the car, then waited patiently for her to get her bearings before taking hold of her forearms and guiding her to her feet. She wobbled dangerously, but managed to stay upright by bracing herself against his chest. He watched her close her eyes briefly, concern flooding him, then relaxed slightly when she opened them again and exhaled a slow breath.

He ducked his head to meet her gaze and smiled. “How’s that feel, Darlin’?”

“Hurts,” she admitted quietly, letting her fingers curl against his skin for support. “But’s’better, movin’.”

“You wanna try takin’ a step?” he suggested. She nodded weakly and reluctantly let him back away a little to let her try. She shifted her grip to his forearms, then slowly started to move toward him.

“Shit,” she hissed, almost toppling into him as her feet clumsily stumbled instead of carefully stepping.

He caught her with ease and cradled her against him, gentle but supportive. “Alright, let’s stop here a sec.”

Ava didn’t resist, and he was glad. She was half-dead on her feet, awake and moving by sheer will alone, but he knew better than to try to force her to stop and take a break. She, like him, never did well when made to hit pause. It was too dangerous. And after what she’d been through…

“Michonne…” Ava mumbled. He knew she wanted a distraction and was more than willing to grant her it. “What ’bout Michonne? Is she…”

He glanced towards the trees and saw the woman in question standing guard, just like she’d promised.  “She’s right over there.”

“No sign of Rick?” Ava looked up at him, eyes slightly less glassy than before now she wasn’t curled up. But those blows to the head were still taking their toll – the sooner they got back, the better.

“Not yet.” He swept some of her hair from her face and kissed her forehead before catching Michonne’s gaze. He tipped his head, indicating for her to come closer.

As the dark-skinned woman silently made her way towards them, Shane popped the trunk for her, keeping Ava at his side, then gestured for her to help herself to the supplies they’d brought with them. She’d kept her word so far – the least he could do was make sure she didn’t collapse from dehydration or starvation. She hesitated, then grabbed a bottle of water and nodded gratefully.

“Shoulda been back by now,” Ava croaked. “We shou’go check they’re okay.”

“You’re too hurt,” Michonne replied quietly before Shane could even open his mouth. “You can’t go back there.”

To Shane’s surprise, Ava didn’t argue. Then again, her mind was so scrambled by everything she probably didn’t have the brain power to try fighting about it. She turned her face into Shane’s chest and he heard her whimper quietly when her cheek brushed over his skin. He clenched his jaw, but tried not to outwardly react. It would just make her try to hide her pain even more.

Her next words were so quiet, he almost didn’t catch them. “How did you find us?”

Shane kissed her hair, unsure where to even start. His fear? Their interrogation of Michonne? His panic and desperation? The stubborn case he’d argued to convince Rick to even let him wait in the car?

“Michonne led us here,” he settled on. “We’d never’ve found you in time, otherwise.”

And he couldn’t even bear the thought of what that would have meant.

Ava pressed her lips to the tattoo over his heart, then turned her attention back to the other woman. “Did you come from there?”

“I went there with a friend.” Michonne swallowed some water and sat on the edge of the trunk. “Things didn’t add up, so I left. And then the Governor…” Ava shuddered reflexively at the name. “He sent Merle to kill me.”

“She was there when he grabbed you,” he added quietly, pulling her closer. He couldn’t hold back the bitterness form his next words. “Didn’t try to stop him, though.”

“Shane…” Ava reached up to touch his cheek. He took a steadying breath, fighting back the rage that had crawled out of its cage just like it had when he’d first heard what Michonne had done… or failed to.

“She brought Glenn back,” he managed to get out. It was probably the only reason they hadn’t killed her on sight. “Hershel said he took a pretty bad blow to the head, but he’s gonna be fine.”

“The supplies,” Ava suddenly remembered.

“We got ‘em,” he assured her. “Food for Rick’s group, tubs of formula, some clothes…”

Ava glanced toward the trunk. “What about the crib?”

“It’s in our cell,” he murmured. “So’s the giraffe. Thought you’d want to give it to Judith once we… once we got you back.”

Ava pressed her forehead against his chest, a shaky breath escaping her, then looked to Michonne and nodded. Shane had almost forgotten she was even there. “Thanks for helpin’ Glenn. And for leadin’ ‘em back here. Y’didn’t have to.”

“It wasn’t entirely selfless,” Michonne admitted. “I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Ava said softly. “I wouldn’t’ve fought him either, had I known how-” Her voice cut out. “I don’t blame you.”

Shane closed his eyes and let the weight of her words sink in. Had she known what he was capable of, she wouldn’t have fought back. He refused to think about what that would have meant. That rabbit hole was too deep and too dark to go anywhere near. Ava shuddered as she leaned into him, then curled her fingers against his waist and let her lips press against his shoulder, like she’d been thinking the same thing.

The three of them waited for what felt like an age, listening to the birds chirping and the breeze blowing across the leaves until Ava started to waver again. Shane steadied her before carefully shifting closer to the Hyundai, propping her up between the side of the car and his body to give them both a break.

“I don’-…” Ava mumbled. “How much longer?”

He opened his mouth to speak, only for his own name to pierce the quiet instead.

“SHANE!”

Ava’s head snapped up, voice cracking with desperation. “Rick?”

She tried moving closer to the trees and Shane slipped his arm around her waist to help her stumble forward, squinting in the barely-risen sunlight as they tried to trace the source of the footsteps coming towards them. It took a couple of seconds before they saw it, but the moment they did, Ava sagged against him in relief and let out a choked sob.

“Oh, thank fuck,” he muttered as two figures emerged from between the trees, then frowned. There were another two right behind them, not just one. “Rick?”

The man in question rushed forward with his hands out in front of him, a calming motion Shane knew all too well. “Now, we got a problem here. I need you to back up.”

Shane growled, pushing Ava behind him at the same time Michonne unsheathed her katana, eyes fixed on figure number four.

“The _fuck_ is he doin’ here?!” he spat. “What the fuck were _you thinkin’!_ ”

He charged forwards, rage boiling up and over without warning. Noise rose up all around him as everyone moved at once. Rick pushed against his chest to stop him from reaching his target. Maggie stepped in front of Michonne, gun raised. And Merle… Merle hid behind his brother like the coward he was.

Shane shoved Rick away violently, only for the younger Dixon to bodily block him before he could take another step.

“Hey! Hey!”

“Hang on a minute!”

Michonne’s voice pierced through as she tried to dodge Maggie to get to Merle as well. “He tried to kill me!”

“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill ‘im!” Shane hissed, ignoring Daryl’s protests as he pushed against Rick’s restraining hands. “You’re a fuckin’ dead man, Dixon!”

“Whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a second… I ain’t done nothin’!” Merle moved back, but he wouldn’t get far. There was nowhere he could run that Shane wouldn’t find him. Wouldn’t track him down and-

Rick rammed his shoulder into Shane’s chest, but it wasn’t enough. “Shane, stop!”

“Look what he did to her, man!” Shane spat, gesturing wildly behind him. “Look at her! She almost died because of what he did! This is on him!”

“No, he helped us get out of there!” Daryl protested, like it would change a single fucking thing. It didn’t.

“Yeah, right after he beat the shit outta you,” Rick countered as he wrestled to keep Shane in place.

He was seething, wild like a caged animal being offered raw meat for the first time. He was right there. Right _fuckin’_ there.

“Hey, we both took our licks, man!” Merle sneered. Shane shoved against Rick, the sound of that son of a bitch’s voice making him feral, the anger and hurt and fear that he’d managed to tame erupting out of him violently. He was just itching to get his hands on the creature who’d beaten Ava half to death, who’d taken her to that psychopath and watched her be-

“Jackass,” Daryl threw back, glancing back at his brother and letting Shane gain another inch on him in the process.

“Hey, shut _up_ ,” Merle retorted. Rick barely managed to restrain Shane from ripping his throat out.

Michonne took advantage of the distraction and rushed forward, sword at the ready, but Maggie pointed her gun at her head before she could swing. Shane had never wanted to punch a woman in the face as badly as he did right then. _Fuckin’ let her at him._

“Enough!” Rick tried, but all that did was rile everyone up more, creating a frenzy of movement as they all tried to rush forwards at once.

Michonne may have been hungry for her revenge, but Shane was ravenous, body flooded with adrenaline and testosterone, eyes focused on the prize. It took everything Rick and Daryl had to keep him away, but he was inching closer with every furious shove and it wouldn’t take much for him to get close enough to take what he needed.

“Fuckin’ piece of shit, I swear to fuck I’m gonna-”

“SHANE, ENOUGH!”

“What you gonna do, Walsh? Huh?” Merle taunted from his safe spot behind the human barrier Daryl and Rick made up. “You gonna hit me ‘cause I knocked about your lady?”

He lost it. “You motherfuck-”

BANG.

Bark splintered right by Merle’s head as everything else froze.

Ava had never looked steadier, more focused, than she did right then. She stepped forward, Glock in her hands and eyes filled with such loathing that it surprised even Shane. He didn’t know how or when she’d taken the gun from his waistband, but he was so fucking glad she had.

“Ooh, there she is!” Merle smirked, but its effect was lost in the uneasiness he failed to hide. “Was wonderin’ when you were gonna join the party, honey! Look at ya, all fierce and-”

A second bullet met its mark, hitting the bark on the other side of Merle’s head this time. Shane knew it was deliberate – he’d trained her himself. She didn’t miss.

Merle tried to cover his flinch with a laugh. “What’s gotcha aim all messed up, there, huh? I give it to ya so good you can’t see straight?”

Her next bullet grazed his good arm and Merle staggered backwards with a grunt of pain, whatever witty response he had lined up instantly dying on his lips. Ava took another step towards him, gun still raised and finger on the trigger, and everyone started moving again.

Daryl darted for Ava, but Shane escaped Rick’s hold just long enough to shove him to the ground before he got close enough to reach for her. “Don’t you touch her!”

“Shane!” Rick got hold of Shane’s arm and pulled him back again.

“Get off me, man! I said _get off me!”_

Daryl scrambled to his feet, torn between shielding his redneck brother from Ava and getting in Shane’s face again.

“Don’t even think about it,” Shane spat as Rick tried desperately to keep them apart. “You lay a finger on her, I’ll kick your ass _and_ his, boy!”

Daryl looked genuinely wounded. “I ain’t gon’ hurt her! And neither’s _he!”_

“Try tellin’ that to her!” Shane snarled.

Michonne took advantage of the distraction and suddenly burst forward, right past Maggie. Rick grunted with the effort of trying to block her from the other Dixon brother, too, without losing his grip on Shane.

“Everybody just _calm down!”_

Merle steadied himself against the tree and stared down at his bicep in shock before covering it by sending a vulgar look Ava’s way. She still hadn’t lowered her gun, and Shane wasn’t sure Daryl being in the way would be enough to stop her. In that moment, he didn’t care. Merle deserved worse.

“Mmm-mm-mmm, guess I was right after all, Blue-eyes - it _is_ Officer Not-So-Friendly you’re fuckin’! No wonder you liked it so roug-”

Shane lunged. “You son of a-”

“Shane, no!” Ava caught him by the arm and he stilled instantly, frozen by her touch. She moved in front of him, turning her back on Merle completely despite how vulnerable it made her – _she trusted him, she trusted him_ \- and reached up with her left hand to cup his cheek. Her right still clutched the Glock. “Look at me.”

He was vibrating with the need to kill, to hurt, to maim, to-

“ _Look_ at me.”

He dragged his eyes down to hers and clenched his jaw tightly. Her face looked even worse now the sun had risen and the swelling had had time to kick in more. But her gaze was fierce, strong… unwavering. He couldn’t fight her. Shane forced his fists to unfurl and placed them against her hips as his chest heaved with the effort it took to restrain himself.

He felt suspended, caught between obeying her and giving into his rage, and it made his entire body tremor. She stroked her thumb over his skin, calming him without words.

“Ava…”

She shook her head ever so slightly. “He’s not worth it.”

“He-”

“I know,” she whispered, then pushed herself up on her toes to kiss him. It was barely more than a press of lips, but it was enough to make a weak sound escape him. His fingers curled against her hips, grounding him there as he dipped his chin in surrender.

“Aww, ain’t that sweet!”

Daryl hissed, “Shut up, bro!”

“Mr. and Mrs. Walsh…”

Ava didn’t take her eyes of Shane’s for even a second as she addressed Merle calmly and firmly. “Say another word and I will blow your head clean off.”

“Ooh, you can blow m-”

Rick cracked him round the back of the head, silencing him before Ava got the chance to follow through with her threat. “Asshole.”

With Merle unconscious and flat on the ground, the mounting tension between the rest of the group shattered. Michonne sheathed her sword while Maggie lowered her gun. Daryl crouched down to check his brother was still breathing as Rick stepped away to scrub a hand over his face. And Ava…

Her strength drained as quickly as it had come, but Shane was there to support her, prop her up, steady her trembling body like she just had his. Their foreheads pressed together as he carefully wrapped his arm around her and took the Glock from her unsteady fingers.

“Easy, Darlin’,” he murmured. His anger faded to a ripple beneath the surface, the excess energy morphing back into concern. For all her bravado, Ava was nowhere near okay enough to have done what she had, even if she’d refused to show Merle that. The toll it had taken was obvious.

She nodded weakly, then swayed slightly into him. Shane reached down and picked her up, guiding her legs round his hips as he cradled her to his chest. _Focus on her. Not him. Focus on_ her.

“She okay?” Daryl stood up straight, worry etched across his face.

Ava buried herself into Shane’s neck, contradicting her next words, “M’alright.”

“No thanks to your brother,” Shane muttered bitterly. He glared at Daryl, rage threatening to become a tsunami again. “How could you defend him like that? Huh?”

“Shane, stop,” Ava sighed into his skin.

Shane took a deep breath, then looked down at her. The sight of either Dixon was too much to cope with. Her eyes were half-shut and her breathing was shallow, but it was the way her head lolled when he moved that had him worrying.

“Rick,” he said lowly. “We gotta get back to Hershel, man.”

_Away from here. Away from him._

“I ain’t leavin’ Merle,” Daryl warned. Shane clenched his jaw and started carrying Ava back to the Hyundai, not caring if anyone else followed.

“We need to have a discussion,” Rick put forward, diplomatic as ever. “All of us.”

Shane shook his head in disgust, not even bothering to look behind him. “There’s nothin’ to discuss that can’t wait. She comes first.”

“He’s right,” Maggie said softly from behind him. “Merle’s not goin’ anywhere, is he?”

“He’s out, so why not take him with us?” Daryl appealed. “He ain’t gon’ do nothin’ even if he wakes up.”

“Forgive me for not taking your word for it, but after what he did... I ain’t takin’ no chances.” Shane called over his shoulder as he glanced down at Ava’s face. She was barely awake, but the tension in her body told him she was still aware. “Rick, c’mon… She needs rest. We all do.”

As soon as he reached the Hyundai, he sat down on the backseat with his legs outside the car, resuming the position from before that Ava had found most comfortable. She moaned quietly, then settled gingerly against his chest.

“S’okay,” he breathed. “We’ll be home soon.”

She nodded, letting her fingers curl against his bare skin. He’d forgotten he was shirtless. Shane kissed her hair, then ran his hand over her lower back as the others gathered around. Maggie kept shooting concerned looks in Ava’s direction, and Shane couldn’t help but run his eyes up and down her body, checking for injuries. There weren’t many obvious ones, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t suffered, too.

Maggie caught his look and shook her head. “He barely touched me. Ava… she…”

Shane exhaled a slow breath and closed his eyes. She didn’t even have to say it for him to know what had happened. Ava must’ve drawn The Governor and Merle’s attention on purpose. Of course she had – she always put everyone else first.

“S’okay, Maggie,” Ava mumbled. “Was th’only way.”

“Only way to what?” Rick asked quietly.

Ava groaned softly against Shane’s neck, then lifted her head enough for her voice to carry. Her eyes fixed onto his, willing him to understand. “He wanted t’know. Our camp, he was- he was gonna break one of us, it had- it had to be me.”

Shane clenched his jaw and held Ava as tight as he dared. _Never herself… Never herself…_

“But you didn’t tell ‘em,” Rick realized. “’Bout the prison?”

Ava’s eyes filled with tears, and Shane didn’t hesitate to bring their foreheads together to calm her. “Shane, I didn’t… I didn’t…”

“It’s alright,” he ground out. “You’re alright.”

“I swear, I- I-”

“We told them about the farm instead,” Maggie continued as Ava’s voice cracked. “That’s where they’ll be headed.”

“That should buy us some time,” Rick sighed. “But not much.”

“That ain’t the priority right now – Ava is,” Shane stressed. They could deal with The Governor later, but until then all they needed to do was get her the fuck out of there.

“Shane, we started something last night. You know it… I know it.” Rick placed his hands on his hips. “It ain’t as simple as just goin’ back and hopin’ they don’t find us.”

“That’s why we need Merle,” Daryl tried. “He knows how this Governor thinks, and we could use the muscle. Think about it, Rick. We gotta bring him back.”

Ava shuddered.

“No way,” Maggie protested. “I’m not having him at the prison.”

“It won’t work,” Rick agreed. “He’s already got us at each other’s throats – it’ll just stir things up even more.”

“There’s gotta be a way to-”

“You really think I’m gonna let him sleep in the same building as her?” Shane clenched his jaw, barely able to keep his voice down. “As _Judith?_ And what about Carol and Beth? You wanna let him abuse them, too?”

“He ain’t a rapist.”

“He woulda been, had his friend not done it himself.”

Everyone stilled at the sound of Ava’s quiet voice and Shane’s chest seized.

“She’s right.” Maggie shifted uncomfortably, arms wrapping around her chest protectively. “He assaulted both of us. This wasn’t all The Governor.”

“That’s not… He must’ve been-”

“He wasn’t coerced.” Ava lifted her head and met Daryl’s gaze. He looked away after less than a second.

“So, what? You’re gonna cut him loose and bring the last samurai home with us?”

Rick shook his head. “She’s not comin’ with us.”

“She didn’t try to kill us,” Maggie pointed out. “And she’s in no state to be on her own.”

“She brought you here,” Ava added quietly. Her pleading eyes turned to Shane. “She saved us.”

“Then ditched us,” Rick countered.

Shane sighed, knowing what Ava wanted even if she couldn’t say it. “If you don’t wanna have her in Cell Block C, she can stay in D with us.”

“She’s too unpredictable.”

“That’s right,” Daryl agreed. “We don’t know who she is.”

“We know who your brother is, and you still want to let him waltz right through the door,” Shane ground out.

“Merle’s blood.” He said it so simply, it was like he thought that was the only justification required. “He’s family.”

“No, he’s not.” Ava swallowed thickly. Her words were clearer, but the amount of extra effort it took to make them that way made it hard for her to do much else. “He’s _your_ blood. _Your_ family. Not ours.”

“Fine.” Daryl shrugged. “We’ll fend for ourselves.”

“That’s not what she was saying,” Maggie said softly. “Daryl, you don’t have to do that.”

Ava carefully pushed herself off Shane’s lap and reached for Daryl’s arm. The man tensed, but didn’t pull away, more to stop her falling than anything else.

“He’s a threat to all of us, blood or no blood. You know that.”

Daryl shifted uncomfortably. “It was always Merle and I before this. We’ll be fine.”

“You can’t just leave, not for him,” Ava whispered. “You’re part of _our_ family, now. We need you home. With us.”

“He’s my _brother,_ ” Daryl sighed. _“_ You’d do the same.”

Shane knew it was true. Ava would have given up everything to still have Joseph, but if he’d done what Merle had done? What he _would_ have done…?

“I wouldn’t.” Shane saw her reach up to tip Daryl’s chin towards her. “Look at what he did to me.”

“You can’t ask me to leave him,” Daryl mumbled. “I already did that once.”

“Open your _eyes_ , Daryl,” Ava appealed. “He watched his leader - his _buddy -_ force me to strip in front of him. He let him grope me.” Her voice cracked, and Shane knew she was crying. His own eyes were brimming, too. “Stared when he pulled my jeans down. Was gonna let him _rape_ me so I’d give up your location. He did _nothing_ to stop it _._ He just stood there, pawing at Maggie because those were his orders.”

Shane felt like he was about to throw up, the acid in his chest was burning so bad. Hearing her say it… It was a confirmation he’d wanted until he actually had it. Now he wished he’d never known how close she’d come to being… how that monster had almost… He had to clutch the edge of the backseat to stop himself from doing something he definitely wouldn’t regret.

“But when he had me on the ground? When he broke my ribs, and ripped my hair out and sliced my ribs?” Shane gritted his teeth. “The Governor was nowhere in sight. That was his choice. _His decision._ ”

Daryl’s face was tortured. “N-No, he-…”

“You see this?” Ava unbuttoned Shane’s shirt and shrugged it from her shoulders, exposing the full extent of her trauma. Shane hissed in a breath. It looked so much worse, now, almost devastating in its severity. “See how close he came to killin’ me?”

Daryl looked away, but she forced his face to turn back towards her.

“ _Look_ at me, Daryl.” Her voice shook with every word, but she didn’t sound weak. No, she sounded the opposite, and that was somehow worse. That strength had been what had almost eviscerated her. “All _this?_ He did it because he liked it.”

Daryl grimaced, looking as close to vomiting as Shane felt. Shane didn’t have it in him to pity him. He was too enraged.

“He _liked it,”_ Ava croaked. “And you want me to choose between losing you and letting him stay?”

“I ain’t askin’ ya t-”

“You _are,”_ she stressed. “He goes, you go, right? So if we want you to come back with us, we gotta let him, too. After all he’s done?”

Daryl stared down at the floor, unable to cope with the sight of her broken body any longer. Maggie and Rick had done the same the moment she’d started talking.

Shane’s voice surprised him with its hoarseness. “Ava…”

“Where’s he gonna stay, Daryl? Whose cell block are you gonna put him in if we say yes? Mine? Maggie’s?” Ava stepped backwards, calf bumping against Shane’s knee as she shook her head and pulled the shirt back over her body with trembling fingers. “Because one of us is gonna hafta bunk with him, if you do this. And I dunno if I can live with that.”

Shane reached for her at the same time she turned towards him and didn’t hesitate guide her back into his lap again. He deftly did up her buttons, gaze fixed on her tearful one, then cupped her bruised cheeks as delicately as he could in his hands. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but they were both too raw, too fragile to handle the weight. Her spilled confession of what had happened had ripped them to shreds – putting the tattered remains under a microscope would burn them to ash.

“I love you,” was all he could get out.

She rocked forward, taking what little strength she could from him, then broke his heart by sobbing and burying her face in his neck, all but collapsing against him. He wrapped his arms around her shaking body and swallowed thickly. This was her limit. He couldn’t ask her for anything more – she’d given them everything she had.

_“Rick.”_

The man looked over, expression sorrowful.

“Man, c’mon,” Shane pleaded.

Rick glanced between Shane and Daryl, then sighed long and hard. “Maggie, you good to drive?”

“Yeah,” Maggie confirmed quietly. She had clearly been crying herself, but wiped the evidence from her face and stood up straight. “I’ll get ‘em back.”

“You!” Rick called out to Michonne, who had been keeping watch over Merle. Shane was surprised she hadn’t killed him. “Go with ‘em. They’ll patch you up, but then you’re _gone_.”

“Rick…”

Rick turned to Daryl and reached a placating hand out. “We’re gonna talk about this. You and me.”

Shane gritted his teeth, ready to protest, but the look Rick shot him made him nod instead. Rick knew what needed to be done.

“C’mon, Darlin’,” he whispered into Ava’s hair, carefully twisting round so he could get his legs in the car. She whined in pain, but helped him adjust their position until Maggie could shut the door behind them.

“Let’s go home.”


	20. Hold Back The River

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your lovely comments, everyone - they mean the world to me <3
> 
> Emotional one ahead for you, but this is where the healing starts and I promise it's worth it.
> 
> Let me know what you think xx

_Hold on_

_Hold on to me_

_‘Cause I’m a little unsteady_

_A little unsteady_

“Her ribs are broken. Three, maybe four of them, but it’s hard to tell with all the swelling… Dad’s worried about the bruising on her back, too, though there’s nothing we can do for that right now. She needs rest, and she needs to breathe _deep._ It’ll hurt, but Dad says she’s at risk of pneumonia if she doesn’t.”

“Wh-What about the… the…”

“He’s suturin’ the lacerations best he can. They aren’t deep enough to tear the underlyin’ muscle, but she’ll most likely scar.”

Shane scrubbed a hand over his face and closed his eyes. “She doesn’t- she doesn’t deserve…”

He let out a long breath, then pushed himself up from the visitation table he’d been sitting at while Hershel did his work and started pacing. Ava hadn’t regained consciousness since she’d passed out halfway back to the prison. It was a blessing and a curse – her body needed to recover, but not having her awake to distract him meant Shane’s mind had been running wild with nothing to keep it in check.

He was a fucking mess. It had taken both Glenn and Axel to get him back out the cell Hershel was using as a makeshift O.R. after he’d carried her in and laid her on the bed. As soon as his hands were no longer touching her, the fine tether he’d had on his fury had disintegrated and he’d overturned one of the visitation tables on his way past, needing _something_ to get rid of all the red-hot rage vibrating through him.

Carl’s scared face and Judith’s wailing had been the only thing that got him to reign it back in. He’d cradled the baby to his chest and rocked her from side to side, eyes burning with emotion as he reached out his other arm for Carl. The boy hadn’t hesitated to hug him tightly, and the pain from the compression over his chest wound had been enough to draw him back from the edge. But then the questions had started, and he’d had to hand his daughter back to Carl because he was shaking too much.

_“What happened?”_

_“Is she okay?”_

_“Shane, I’m so sorry. I tried to stop him…”_

_“Where’s Rick?”_

_“What about Daryl?”_

_“Are we safe here?”_

He’d barely been able to speak. Couldn’t bring himself to tell all, especially when Carl was within earshot. He’d managed to get out just enough information for the others to get the gist – _they were attacked, no she wasn’t okay, the others were sorting a problem, he didn’t know_ – without spiraling, but now? Knowing Ava would have to carry the reminders of what had happened for the rest of her life?

He was back on that fucking helter skelter, dragging everything down with him.

“Shane…”

He froze at the feel of Maggie’s shaking hand on his arm.

“She needs you here.”

And that was the only thing stopping him from raining fire down on Woodbury. He’d burn the whole damned town down if that’s what it took to end The Governor and keep Ava and the rest of his family safe. But he couldn’t do it. Not until she was okay. And if she wasn’t… If anything happened to her…

He clenched his jaw. Nodded once.

Maggie squeezed his arm, then released him and headed over to Glenn. They hadn’t seemed to be able to stop touching each other in some way since they’d returned. He got that. He understood that. His own palms were itching from it.

“We should go and keep watch,” Glenn murmured. “In case this _Governor_ finds us.”

“We need to wait for Rick,” Maggie replied, though her voice wavered slightly, as if she wasn’t so sure what she was saying was true. “He’ll be back soon. We can sort that out then.”

Shane caught Glenn’s eye over Maggie’s shoulder. Saw the reluctance there.

Yeah, they definitely felt the same way.

“Is Ava gonna be okay?”

Shane turned to Carl and forced himself to smile. He’s almost forgotten the boy was there, he’d been so quiet. “Yeah, Bud. She’ll pull through.”

_I hope._

“’Cause if she’s not, I can take it.” Carl straightened up, looking as determined as a kid holding a baby could. “Just tell me the truth.”

Shane had spent so long wanting to remove Carl’s rose tinted glasses that now, with them well and truly gone, it was impossible for him to lie.

“She got hurt. Real bad,” he admitted quietly. “But Hershel’s gonna fix her up. And if we’re there for her, she’ll be okay.”

“Then we should already be there,” Carl told him firmly. “Why are we waiting out here?”

Shane couldn’t answer that. He’d asked the same thing when Hershel had all but kicked him out the cell.

“My dad needed space to work,” Maggie explained instead. “The cells are so small…”

“We all fit in when he hurt his leg,” Carl pointed out. “She might be scared. We shouldn’t leave her on her own.”

Shane’s throat was so tight, his words came out as a rasp. “She ain’t gonna be on her own, Bud. But all of us crowding her right now will be too much, okay?”

Carl didn’t look convinced. Even Shane wasn’t.

“Shane.”

They all looked round to see Hershel standing at the entrance to the cell block, expression grave. Shane’s feet started propelling him forward without thought. His heart was racing, lungs struggling to gulp in air at the thought of… of…

“What’s wrong?” he demanded to know.

“She’s alive and resting,” Hershel assured him. “But she’s in a lot of pain.”

He breathed out a shaky breath and ran his hand through his hair. “Ain’t there nothin’ we can give her?”

“The pills you gave her will have helped, but we don’t have anything strong enough to do much more than take the edge off it,” Hershel sighed. “I’ve done what I can. Her body will have to do the rest.”

“And how long will that take?” he managed to get out. _How long will she suffer?_ “What timescale we lookin’ at?”

“The bruising and lacerations on her back should be fine in maybe 10 days or so, but her ribs will take weeks to heal. 3-4 at the very least, and that’s if she’s able to rest up.” Hershel glanced back over his shoulder. “The way she is right now? I don’t know how well that’s going to work out.”

Shane frowned.

“The only part of her that’s not injured is her legs. When someone’s in that much pain, they won’t be able to keep still, and if she moves the wrong way… Her ribs could puncture her lungs or another internal organ, and if that happens…”

Shane could feel himself getting riled up and struggled to contain it. Lashing out at Hershel would only do harm, not good. _Fucking Merle._ He should’ve killed him when he had the chance.

“I can sedate her, maybe, but not until we know for sure she hasn’t got a worse head injury than it seems.”

“I can’t let you drug her,” Shane refused. “Not unless she says yes.”

“We might not have another choice,” the older man sighed. “Shane, I don’t want to do it against her will either, but we’re lucky she’s even alive. We can’t push it.”

“Let me talk to her first,” he compromised lowly. “But ain’t there nothin’ we can do for her _right now?_ We can’t leave her like that.”

“She can’t get comfortable,” Hershel explained. “Her back can’t take the pressure of lying down, but neither can her ribs – front or side.”

Shane clenched his hands into fists, aching with the need to hit someone or something… anything, just to get it out. _She couldn’t even fuckin’ sleep._

“When you carried her in…” Hershel began thoughtfully, bringing him back from the edge. “Was she able to settle when she was upright?”

“Yeah, she… she was on my lap,” Shane replied. “Facin’ me, y’know?”

Hershel nodded. “You’ll need to stay with her, then. At least at first. It’ll be your best shot at helping her sleep.”

“Fine.” Shane swallowed thickly. _As if he’d be anywhere else except with her._ “I’ll take her to our cell, make sure she breathes deep like Maggie said.”

“I wouldn’t move her, if I were you,” Hershel discouraged. “I need to be nearby, just in case.”

“She’ll want our bed,” Shane countered. He knew that much for sure. “She’ll need somethin’ familiar, somewhere safe… Hershel, man, she was almost… Last thing she needs is wakin’ up in someplace she ain’t used to.”

“We’ll move your stuff,” Maggie suggested softly. “The bed, your clothes… All of it. You can stay in C with us.”

“That’s not what we agreed with Ri-”

“I don’t care,” she cut across. “Family sticks together.”

“She’s right,” Glenn agreed. Shane stared at him incredulously. “We should’ve done it a week ago.”

Shane didn’t have it in him to argue, too floored by the implication of what they’d said.

“Then it’s settled.” Hershel balanced his weight with one of the crutches and gripped Shane’s shoulder tightly. “We’ll sort everything else out. You focus on taking care of her.”

He didn’t need to be told twice.

He all but ran to the cell he’d placed Ava in and caught himself on the door, his chest tightening painfully at the sight of her. She was propped up awkwardly on the bed, weight balanced on her arm as she gingerly held herself off the mattress and tried not to put too much pressure on any one place. In the daylight, her face seemed more swollen and puffy than it had even just an hour ago, and Shane couldn’t even bear to think about how the rest of her must have looked.

He staggered forward, and the fear in her eyes when her head turned in his direction at the sound made him feel sick. He held his hands out in front of him, then waited until that fear turned to recognition before taking another step.

“Shane?”

He was at her side in seconds, easing her more upright best he could without hurting her. She gripped onto him tightly, face fraught with pain, and tried to swing her legs over the side of the cot to get up.

“S’alright, Darlin’,” he murmured. “It’s me. You’re okay.”

“Wanna go home,” she mumbled, but he placed a gentle hand on her thigh to stop her movements.

“We are,” he whispered. “Maggie and Glenn are movin’ our stuff for us.”

“No,” she tried to protest. “Let’s-”

“Hey.” He cupped her cheek with his free hand, coaxing her to look into his eyes. “We gotta stay near Hershel, sweetheart.”

“I don’t- I just-” She grimaced and looked suddenly nauseous. “ _Fuck.”_

“I gotcha,” he soothed as he helped her adjust her position so she wasn’t crushing her abdomen so much, then gently rubbed her back while she tried not to vomit. Not that there would have been anything left in her stomach to bring up. “I gotcha.”

She tipped forward into him with a groan, forehead pressing against his shoulder. “ _Shane…_ ”

“I’m so sorry,” he lamented. “Fuck, baby, I’d give anythin’-”

“Ava?”

She rolled slightly away from him so she could see the cell door and gasped, half in pain and half in shock. “ _Carl?_ ”

The boy stepped forward, expression anxious, and Judith started to grumble in his arms.

Ava pushed herself upright and reached out for them, tears welling in her eyes at the sight of the two of them together. Carl sat down on the cot beside her and leaned into her as she wrapped her arm around him and kissed his hair, not caring that the motion sent flames roaring through her body.

“Oh, God…” she choked out. Her free hand gripped Shane’s, clinging on for dear life.

“Sorry,” Carl mumbled, realizing he was leaning into her too heavily. “I just wanted to… I wanted to see you.”

“No, it’s okay,” Ava swore. “I needed that.”

She smiled weakly at him, then sucked in a sharp, painful breath when Judith’s foot kicked out and hit her in the ribs.

“ _Pumpkin…”_

Before Shane could stop her, she took Judith from Carl’s arms and held her gingerly against her chest. She pressed her lips to the newborn’s forehead and inhaled as deeply as she could, a peaceful expression crossing her face for just a moment before it crumpled.

“I kept my promise, Pumpkin,” she whispered as she started to cry. “No-one’s gonna hurt you.”

Shane clamped his eyes shut against the raw emotion that rose in him at that.

“I love you so much…”

Ava’s chest heaved with each labored breath, but Shane didn’t even dare try to take the baby from her. She needed this moment, and he wouldn’t be the one to ruin it, not when he needed to see it just as badly. His family. Safe. Together.

Carl looked to him, eyes watery, and all he could do was try to smile reassuringly. His voice wouldn’t have worked right, even if he could have found words to say. Instead, they stayed silent for several moments, just staring at each other, but then Ava whined in pain and they both snapped right back to attention.

“Carl, take her,” she mumbled. “Take her, quick.”

The moment she handed over the baby, she swayed violently on the spot as her eyes rolled upwards and her face lost all color. Shane caught her before she could tip over, but even as she blinked herself back to awareness, it was clear she was struggling to stay conscious.

“M’okay,” she slurred, more for Carl’s benefit than anything else. “M’fine.”

Shane pushed her hair back from her face so he could lock eyes with her and could tell she was trying her best not to let her agony show. There was too much of it to hide.

“Bud, take your sister back outside – she’s probably gettin’ hungry,” he excused quietly, not looking away from her for even a second.

Carl hesitated, concern written all over his face. “But-”

“I’m okay,” Ava ground out. It was a blatant lie – one that Carl picked up on but chose not to fight. “But I need you to take her away for me. Please.”

“Can I come back later?”

“Course, Bud,” Shane allowed. “Just give us a sec, alright?”

Carl frowned, but did as he was asked, shooting them both a worried glance on his way out. Shane felt guilty for dismissing him so quickly, but the moment he was gone, Ava sagged against Shane’s chest and let out a low moan, proving how close to the edge she had been. Her breathing was labored, almost rattling in her chest, and the way her fingers were clutching at his shirt told him how much damage she’d done to herself by holding Judith for even a minute.

“C’mon,” he murmured, then pushed himself to his feet in front of her. “Gotta getcha comfortable.”

“Shane,” she begged, weakly shaking her head as he slipped his hands under her armpits to help her up.

She was in too much pain to resist, body slack and compliant against his as he guided her arms up around his neck before carefully lifting her against him. He held her up by the backs of her thighs to avoid crushing her against his chest, and the change in position seemed to ease some of the pressure on her body, since she sighed and relaxed into him slightly instead of tensing.

“Talk to me,” he urged as her eyelids fluttered.

“Can breathe easier,” she mumbled, then lifted her head slightly to look at him properly despite her blurry vision. “You look tired.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout me,” Shane deflected. “I’ll sleep when you do.”

Ava nodded, then grimaced as he carefully turned to sit down on the cot before maneuvering them into the position from before, his back against the wall with her slouched on top of him. It wasn’t comfortable, not by a long shot, but until their bed had been moved from D to C, it would have to do. As long as it let Ava have even a moment’s peace, any aches he’d feel later would be more than worth it.

“Is Rick back?” she whispered into his neck.

“Nah. Not yet.” That would have worried him, had he not already used up all his concern on Ava’s wellbeing. “But he will be.”

“With Daryl?”

Shane swallowed thickly. “I dunno.”

“If he… If he won’t leave M-…” She choked on the name and it made him clench his jaw. “His brother, then…”

“Rick won’t let them both back here,” Shane assured her. “He ain’t stupid. He knows we wouldn’t let them past the front gate.”

_“We?”_

“All of us,” Shane confirmed. “I doubt even Carol would let that monster in to keep Daryl here.”

“They all know?” she asked timidly. Shane kissed her hair in an attempt to comfort her.

“Glenn knows enough,” he admitted. “But the others… I didn’t think they needed details.”

She’d been exposed enough already.

“But Daryl is _family,”_ she pointed out. “They’d do anything to-”

“You’re their family, too.”

Ava lifted her head and frowned at him.

“Maggie and Glenn both said it,” he told her truthfully. “It’s why they wanna move us here. No more splittin’ into blocks.”

“No, that’s not-”

“When we found out you were…” His throat tightened suddenly and he had to clear it before he could speak again. “It wasn’t just Maggie they wanted to go back for. It was you, too.”

Her eyes welled with tears and Shane reached up to cup her face in both hands, thumbs catching the droplets as they fell.

“We both know they didn’t do it out of loyalty to me,” he continued quietly. “They wanted to save you.”

“I haven’t- they…” She shook her head.

“My history with them is _mine._ After what you did…” He almost couldn’t verbalize it. “You saved all of us.”

“I didn’t do it for them,” Ava confessed. “I did it to save _you._ ”

Shane closed his eyes and swallowed thickly.

“They were gonna kill us no matter what we did. I knew it. And Maggie, she…” Her voice cracked, but she pushed through it. “She ain’t a soldier. She wasn’t gonna hold out, so I had to… I had to make him…”

“Ava,” he croaked. “Ava, honey, you don’t have to-”

“If I made it so I was the problem, he wouldn’t do it to Maggie. He’d pick me, ‘cause I was the strongest and he’d wanna break me first,” she told him hoarsely. “So I thought if… if I could plant a seed, make ‘em think about the farm, then… then maybe Maggie would understand and when he… When he was…”

She sobbed once, then reigned it in and pressed their foreheads together.

“I just kept thinkin’ ‘bout you and Carl and Judith and- and I couldn’t let him find you, so I wasn’t gonna tell him, no matter what he… what he…” She whimpered, fingers curling into his shoulders as she tried to get closer. “And it would be worth it, if Judith was safe, ‘cause you’d stay alive for her even when I was… when I was _gone_.”

Shane was so overwhelmed, he couldn’t even remember how to breathe. The magnitude her confession was so great, so all-consuming, that he was crushed under its weight. She’d almost let herself be raped and brutalized because she loved him – _loved their family_ – too much to put her life before theirs. And he knew, he fucking _knew_ , that if she’d given up the location of the prison and it had been confirmed, they would have both been killed, but she could have done it and he would never have blamed her. She’d never deserve to be tortured, not even to save Judith.

“You…” he tried, but the words wouldn’t come out. _I’m sorry_ wouldn’t have been enough. _Thank you_ would have been an insult, though he was grateful, in some fucked up way, that she hadn’t surrendered them over. Of course he fucking was. But the guilt of knowing she would have let them violate her so savagely just to make sure he lived… the fact she knew the only reason he would even _stay_ alive without her was to keep Judith and Carl safe and was willing to sacrifice herself for that… It eviscerated him.

“I _love_ you,” she whispered.

Their mouths met in something too urgent, too raw, too emotional to be a kiss. It was everything they couldn’t say, the things they couldn’t feel without shattering, a desperate communication of all they had inside them. It left them both gasping, bodies seizing together like they were trying to fill the void that was ripped open when their lips parted.

“You will _never_ go through that again,” he gritted out. “I will not let it.”

“I will,” she croaked, and it broke his fucking heart because he knew it was true, knew that if the roles were reversed he’d be saying the same. fucking. thing. “I’ll let them do it over and over again if it keeps you safe.”

“You won’t have to,” he vowed. “I am _never_ leaving your side. Not for anythin’.”

“Shane…”

“No. I mean it.” He gazed into her eyes and clenched his jaw. “Never. Again.”

Ava lifted a hand and touched her fingers to his lips, then started sobbing, a grief-stricken, agonized half-wail that made his eyes stream and his throat burn and his chest… fuck, it ripped him apart, but his pain was nothing – _nothing_ – compared to hers and he had no idea how she was even breathing.

He cradled her to his chest and clung to her as tightly as he dared, letting her fall apart while he held her together, because she was doing the same for him. She cried so hard it had to have been excruciating, but after several long, grueling minutes, her breathing started to slow and he realized she’d finally fallen asleep, curled up against him with her face buried in his neck.

It was the one and only time she allowed herself to break.

When Rick returned without Daryl, she did little more than nod in acceptance and move on, like she didn’t feel betrayed by Daryl’s choice. When Hershel offered to sedate her to make the recovery process easier on her body, she accepted without hesitation. When the group ate together, she forced herself to leave the cell to join them even though being around so many people at once made her hands shake and her heart race. And when Judith cried, she was there to give her a bottle or change her, or just comfort her best she could despite the pain it caused her to even lift her out the crib.

She stayed strong as those first days became a week, even though her body continued to fail her.

But in the quieter moments, when she thought nobody was watching, the cracks in her armor showed. It was in the way she jumped at the slightest noise. How she’d startle if anyone came up behind her unexpectedly. Shane saw it in her eyes when they stared blankly for minutes at a time, lost in something only she could see, and heard it in the quiet whimpers that escaped her lips when she slept, curled up in that same position in his lap.

The hardest part of it all, though, was knowing that all either of them could do was hold on tight to each other and hope the cracks didn’t split her apart.

They were coming close to succeeding, though, as Glenn and Rick debated the best way to fortify the prison. The others may not have seen it, but Shane did. The tension in her body… the almost imperceptible flinches as their voices raised… He stood close by, ready for the inevitable implosion.

“The walkers have to be entering the tombs somehow. There’s gotta be a breach – we need to fix it.”

“We need guns first.”

“You said yourself we can’t leave, Rick. It’s ‘ _too dangerous_ ’.”

Her eyes flicked between the two of them like a spectator at a sporting match. Shane knew she wanted to speak, but she was trapped by her own mind. Frozen.

“Leavin’ ourselves unprotected is worse.”

“We’re not unprotected. The pallets-”

“Won’t hold up against the kind of heavy fire he’ll bring. We can’t let ourselves become sitting ducks by hiding behind these walls.”

“And who’re you going to send, exactly? I’m not leaving Maggie, and Daryl’s-”

Ava flinched.

“Daryl made his choice.”

“Yeah, because you wouldn’t kill the son-of-a-bitch that got us into this mess in the first place!”

“He’s Daryl’s _brother_. What was I supposed to-”

Rick fell silent as Ava stepped forward with her arms folded around herself, and Shane wanted more than anything to reach out and touch her but forced himself not to. It would only make her look weak in everyone else’s eyes if he did, even if they wouldn’t say it.

“You really wanna do this? Again?” she croaked. “The last three times you’ve had this argument, your only defense for letting that monster go has been that Daryl didn’t want him dead. And no matter how many times you say it, it’s always gonna be a shitty excuse, so how about we skip this part of the discussion and move on? Because going in circles around a mistake you made won’t fix the problems it’s caused.”

Rick stared at her. It was the most she’d said to anyone except Shane in days.

“She’s right,” Hershel agreed quietly after a few moments. “We need a plan.”

“I say we stay here,” Glenn put forward. “If walkers can get into the tombs, so can people. We have to fix what we have here, not hope we’ll find something out there.”

“What’s the point in fixing something we can’t protect?” Rick countered. “We’re running dangerously low on everything - we wasted a lot of our ammo gettin’ the girls out.”

“’ _Wasted’?_ ” Glenn hissed at the same time Ava retreated. The wounded look on her face made Shane see red.

“You fuckin’ kiddin’ me?” he growled, speaking for the first time since the debate had begun. “How the Hell could you say summat like that? The only ‘ _wasted ammo’_ was from you fuckin’ around savin’ the Dixons, not her and Maggie!”

Rick grimaced as he turned to look at him. “Shane, that’s not-”

“Save it, man,” Shane spat. “You’re on your own.”

He moved towards Ava’s rigid form to place a hand on her back and cursed internally when she flinched at the contact. He pressed a kiss to her hair to calm her, then guided her into his side before turning to head back to their cell.

“Brother, you know I’m right,” Rick reasoned. “We need the weapons. Woodbury has an _army_.”

“An army that ain’t found us yet!” Shane reminded him, pausing in his tracks to look back over his shoulder. “What’chu gonna do if you stumble across his men while you’re out on your hunt, huh? We already ‘ _wasted a lot of our ammo gettin’ the girls out_ ’, ain’t that what you just said? We ain’t gon’ be able to come getcha if you get caught.”

“I’ll go with a small group, back to King County.”

“King County?” he parroted incredulously. “Now’s not the time to be goin’ home sweet fuckin’ home, man!”

“I didn’t clear out the weapons store when I went back to the station the first time. There’ll be more there, I just know it.”

Shane shook his head in disbelief, then glanced down to Ava as she wrapped her arm around his waist, clinging to his shirt. She’d had enough, but didn’t want to leave yet.

“And who are you going to take?” Glenn asked again. “We’re not going with you. Not this time.”

Rick half-shrugged. “I’ll take Michonne. Carl. The three of us will manage.”

“ _Carl?_ ” Shane exclaimed.

“He’s ready,” Rick defended. “More than you know.”

 Ava snapped back to herself before Shane got a chance to reply.

“He is a _thirteen_ year old boy,” she said lowly, moving away from Shane to step towards Rick and glower at him. “And you wanna take him out where _The Governor_ can get to him?”

“King County’s only a few hours awa-”

Ava laughed bitterly. “It doesn’t matter how near or far this place is - you’re putting him in danger the moment you leave this prison!”

“He’s _my_ son. I know what he can handle.”

Ava swallowed thickly as she reached to Shane for support, fingers brushing over his hip. “Yeah. He is your son. And when that monster catches you? He’ll use that.”

“He won’t catch-”

“He will,” she cut in darkly. “And when he does? When he brings you to that room? He will tie you to a chair and make you watch him bend _your son_ over and-”

“Ava,” Shane murmured, taking her hand and squeezing tightly. She gritted her teeth, then turned to face him, eyes desperate. The cracks were wider, now. Close to shattering. He held her gaze to steady her but spoke to Rick, voice low and firm. “Do whatever the fuck you want, man. But the consequences? They’re on you.”

He tugged Ava’s hand to get her to start moving and walked her back to the cell, leaving Rick to it. Fighting that losing battle was only going to go one way, and he had more pressing issues to deal with, like the shaking of Ava’s limbs and the paleness of her face. She was his top priority, now, even if it meant he had to back down from his other ones.

Once they got to their space, Shane unhooked the sheet they’d hung across the cell door for privacy and turned to face her. She stepped into him and pressed her forehead against his shoulder, fingers hooking into his belt loops as she tried to breathe deeply to calm herself. He let one hand rest gently against her lower back and threaded the fingers of the other through her hair to rub her scalp.

“You should go with him.”

It took him a few seconds to realize what she meant. “No.”

“Shane…” she appealed. “You know I’m right.”

“I’m not leavin’ you.”

“But Carl-”

“Carl is Rick’s son. And no matter how much I… No matter how much we love him, that’s not gonna change.” It killed him to admit it, but it was true. “I can’t look after all of you at once, so if I have to let Carl be put in danger by Rick in order to keep my promise to you… I’m gonna do it.”

“That’s not right,” Ava protested quietly. “You can’t put me before him. And Rick’s got a point… they did waste a lot of ammo.”

“It was not a waste. Not when it got you home.” Shane cupped her cheek and gently ran his thumb across the bruises that had yet to fade. “And it is right, to put you first. If the past few weeks taught me anythin’, it’s that.”

“Shane, Judith-”

He dipped his head to kiss her and let his hands slip to her hips to pull her closer.

“Judith is our daughter. And you were right, sayin’ I’d stay alive for her, ‘cause I’d do anythin’ to keep her safe, but you…” He pressed their foreheads together. “Shit, if the world weren’t like it is, you would be my _wife_. Havin’ you? That’s the whole fuckin’ _sun._ ”

Ava’s expression was indescribable as she reached up to cradle his face in her hands. She was overwhelmed, words lost to her, but he didn’t need her to say anything. Her thumb brushed over his mouth and he couldn’t help but kiss it, then groaned when it was replaced by her lips.

It was slow… soft, yet deep… yet felt more intimate than anything else they had physically shared, and the cracks he’d been so worried would shatter her suddenly weren’t a weakness. They were what let him in, allowed him to fill the gaps and strengthen her, and it made him _ache_ with the need to show her that.

“When you’re healed…” he began, but his voice cut out on him and he couldn’t finish. She smiled against his lips anyway, small and emotional, and he knew she’d understood.

They stood like that for several minutes, wrapped in each other’s strength, until the exertion got too much and Ava groaned softly in discomfort.

“Lie with me?” she whispered.

He squeezed her hips and nodded. “Always.”


	21. Skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally some relief for everyone, especially me!
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one. I won't like - I enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Let me know what you think - I really appreciate your thoughts xx

_Giving into the nighttime ain't no cure for the pain_   
_You gotta wade into the water_   
_You gotta learn to live again_

Against all the odds, Rick’s scavenging mission worked.

He, Carl and Michonne had returned after a two-day trip with enough ammunition for a small army, and combined with the fortifications organized by Glenn, the prison was better protected than it had ever been. But none of them rested easy. Becoming complacent behind those walls was a surefire way to get them all killed, and every single one of them was painfully aware of that.

They’d barricaded the entrance to the tombs from their side, figuring the walkers were enough of a threat to anyone who tried to enter through them. They’d get picked off before they got close but, even if they did somehow survive the walkers, there was no way they’d make it through to the cell blocks, not with how well they’d blocked themselves off.

The main entrance to C was the only real way in, and it was heavily guarded. They’d set up watch rotations, day and night, and placed traps in the woods around them that would alert the group to any incoming threat and hopefully take it out in the process. It was a waiting game, one nobody wanted to play, but every day that passed without running was another day Ava’s body had to recover.

Three and a half weeks into their self-imprisonment (and wasn’t that just ironic?), she’d finally healed enough to be able to sit up and move around without being in complete agony the entire time. She no longer needed to sleep in Shane’s lap, though she often still did, and the freedom that granted her had allowed her to get the quality rest she hadn’t been able to in over a month without sedatives being involved.

She still had nightmares occasionally, but Shane was always there to soothe her when she woke up and so was Judith, whose new crib had been set up right beside their bed with the toy giraffe in one corner. Although holding the baby was still tough, she’d quickly learned how to adjust her position to lessen the pressure on her chest so she was able to go back to feeding her during the night, which returned some of the normalcy she’d been craving.

It had been a rocky few weeks – few _months_ if they counted back to the attack on their safe-house – but their relationship was stronger, now. Completely and unequivocally. They may have been part of Rick’s group and begun to integrate themselves more in the day-to-day things, but the two of them were a tighter unit than ever and the others knew when to give them their space.

The dynamic between them all had changed after it had become more common knowledge what had happened that night. Only Maggie and Ava knew the full extent of the horrors that had been inflicted, but the others knew enough now to understand Glenn and Shane’s refusal to follow Rick’s plans of gathering more supplies and weapons every few days for fear of being caught. Even if they didn’t voice it, they were aware that the only reason their situation wasn’t more dire was that Ava and Maggie had saved them, and that although Rick had a point in that they would’ve eventually needed more supplies, he had been slowly losing it ever since Lori had died and it clouded his judgement.

The divide only highlighted the void caused by Daryl’s absence. No matter how much Rick protested that he had decided to leave them of his own free will, they all knew the only reason Daryl even had to make that choice in the first place was Rick’s refusal to kill Merle. Despite what Rick seemed to think, killing Merle would not have made Daryl leave. He’d have been pissed off, maybe even withdrawn from them for a while, but he’d have come around. Deep down, he’d have understood the death was justified.

Once her emotions weren’t running rampant, Ava had been able to see that situation for what it was and her sense of betrayal had softened. For all her arguing, she knew that if Joseph showed up alive after all this time and she didn’t have Shane or Judith to tie her down, she’d have wanted to leave with him. Her heart would have jumped at the chance without hesitation, but her head would have stopped her if she found out he’d done something like Merle had to her. But Daryl? Daryl was so emotive, felt things so deeply… she knew logic hadn’t played a part in his decision, not even for a second.

She missed him. Crazy as it was, she felt the loss of him more than she’d expected. Despite everything, he’d been one of the first people to actually accept her and Shane into the fold, and they’d become friends somewhere along the way. She still stuck by her refusal to let his piece of shit brother come back with them, though. No amount of grief or sadness would change that.

She’d never say it, least of all to Shane, but that feeling of utter vulnerability she’d felt when the Governor had her bent over that table… the hopelessness that had overwhelmed her as Merle beat her within an inch of her life… it had made her no longer want to live. She’d tasted death and _craved_ it, in a way she hadn’t before.

When her dad had died, Joseph had needed her. When Joseph had died, she’d stumbled along half-alive until she’d ended up finding Shane. And then, as Shane was dying in her arms, she’d found salvation. Just as she’d thought she was ready to give up, something had pulled her back every time. Whenever she’d lost her reason to keep going, another was always there to replace it. But that night?

That night, she _had_ given up.

She’d resigned herself to her death, completely and without hesitation. She’d _needed_ it, almost begged for it and, despite her desperate attempts at keeping her head above water and not letting herself dwell on it, she knew that having Merle there? Seeing his face day after day after day?

It would have killed her.

She hated that. She _hated_ knowing he’d make her feel that weak, that after all the bullshit and the agony and the loss she’d suffered, one monster had broken her down so completely and left those gaping wounds in her mind. That someone’s mere _presence_ would be enough to push her right back into that state when she’d fought so hard to get out of it the first time…

And if Shane knew _for sure_ that was how she felt? God, she wasn’t stupid – she knew he had some idea – but if she ever said _out loud_ just how much damage had been done that night? If she took away his hope that his idea was wrong by confirming it to be true? He’d blame himself for all of it. He already believed it was his fault she’d been out there to begin with, and the look on his face when she’d told him why she’d done what she had… she never wanted to see that again.

She didn’t regret her honesty. Something as big as that was too important to hide from him and, if the roles had been reversed, she would have wanted to know the truth. But what she did regret was how much of an effect it had had on him. It had _devastated_ him, and the guilt ate at him more and more every time she winced or woke up screaming from the ghosts of the men who had abused her. She could see it all over his face.

The physical distance made it worse. The two of them were always so tactile before, never going too long without touching in some way, but her injuries had meant that anything more than a kiss or gentle hold left her in agony. It was taking its toll on both of them, but it affected Shane to the point he wouldn’t even _try_ anymore, despite her better condition.

Still, Ava saw the way he hovered, how he constantly reached out only to pull away at the last second. She could _feel_ how, when she initiated contact instead, he always tried to stop himself before he could go as far as they both desperately wanted to for fear of hurting her. Frozen hands, rigid spine, stiff lips… eyes shut, like it physically pained him not to hold her. He couldn’t hide any of it. Not from her. She knew him too well.

It was tragically funny, how they could be so close mentally yet so distant in every other way at the same time. The trauma of what had happened had brought them together, forged them into something strong and unbreakable, only to tear them apart in the same breath. This one demon she battled, that darkness in her head? She could deal with that, heal her psyche and move on, but not when a chasm was constantly ripping her apart from the only person in the world that could help her do it.

She looked up from the basket of baby clothes she was folding and gazed at him. He was smiling down at Judith as he fed her, listening to Carl talk animatedly about something she couldn’t hear, but she still saw it. For all his outward contentment, inside he was wrecked. Exhausted. Spent. Lost…

She’d had enough.

Grabbing one of the unfolded sleepsuits from the pile, she pushed herself up from the table and headed over to Hershel. She could feel Shane’s gaze burning on her back, probably concerned something was wrong. If she hadn’t picked a moment where he was feeding Judith, she knew he’d have come over too.

“Hershel?” she called, loud enough for Shane to hear. “Can I ask you somethin’ real quick?”

The older man looked up from the map he was studying and nodded, welcoming as always. Ava smiled gratefully as she came to a stop beside him and tried to make herself seem relaxed.

“It’s something personal,” she told him softly, holding out the sleepsuit, like that was her topic of questioning.

Hershel frowned at her sudden quietness, but quickly understood when she glanced nervously at Shane. “Go ahead, young lady.”

“If, uh… If I were to… want to…” She grimaced, then rubbed at the back of her neck, suddenly feeling awkward. “Fuck.”

“This will be between us,” he assured her kindly. He reached out and touched one of the legs of the sleepsuit, keeping her cover just in case Shane was looking over.

She let out a slow breath before trying again. “If I were to… be _intimate_ … would that affect my condition in any way?”

To his credit, Hershel barely even blinked.

“I take it we’re talking you and Shane here.”

She laughed and nodded, grateful for the light-hearted reprieve.

“It depends,” he told her. “I know you said you were feeling better when you hold Judith now, but outside of that... How do you feel?”

“I’m not one hundred percent yet,” she admitted. There was no point lying, not when he was the one who checked her over every few days. “But I want to at least try.”

“And you feel ready?” he probed gently. She knew what he was hinting at, and it made her want to grimace. She still felt uneasy when touched, even by him, but this was different. _Shane_ was different.

“I do.” She stroked her thumb over the fabric of the sleepsuit. “I can’t stand not being able to touch him.”

“Then no, it won’t worsen things,” he replied softly. “You’re far enough into the recovery process that as long as you’re careful and take it slow…”

“We will be,” she assured him, glancing over to Shane again. “He’s terrified of hurting me as it is, and our cell isn’t exactly, um… I don’t even know if we’d get that far. But I wanted to know we could, if we wanted to.”

Hershel considered her for a moment.

“I can speak to Maggie and Glenn for you,” he offered. “I’ll see if there’s a way to let you have the guard tower for the night.”

Ava blushed. “Hershel…”

“We’ve come too far to be embarrassed over something like this,” he murmured. His gentle gaze met hers and she felt her eyes well up. They had. He’d saved Shane’s life, then hers, and had seen her at her very worst. Shame wasn’t something they had left anymore. “I’ll sort it. Beth will take care of Judith for the night.”

“Thank you.” Ava put her hand on his arm and squeezed, filled with such gratitude she struggled to hold in tears.

“You saved my daughter. This is least I can do.”

All she could do was nod.

The next couple of hours had her feeling jittery as all her pent-up anxiety and frustration built and built, making it hard to focus on the simplest of things like changing Judith’s diaper. She’d wanted it more than she’d realized, and when Shane settled himself at the table in the corner to clean the guns they’d stacked up in their makeshift armory, she found herself joining him as an excuse to get closer.

The distraction of making sure she did everything right took her mind off things for a while, but when Maggie nodded pointedly at her as she and Glenn came in for their food halfway through the job, Ava felt a jolt in her stomach that made her shiver.

“You okay?”

She smiled at Shane over the table and started to reassemble the Glock she’d taken apart. Of course he’d noticed that. “Yeah. I am.”

“Good,” he murmured, but the slight frown on his face betrayed his worry.

Ava sighed. _Always so worried about her_. She stretched out her legs until they tangled with his under the table, and he looked up at her in surprise. She kept her head down, focusing on the task at hand, then smiled to herself as he closed his ankles around hers and fumbled the magazine he was loading.

They _needed_ this.

When everything was done for the night and the group started to head back to their cells one by one, Shane finally untangled himself from her and put the guns back in their rightful places. It took several trips so Ava waited until he was done, then stepped forward and placed her hands on his chest.

His eyes closed for just a second when her fingers brushed over his heart, and she saw the effort it took for him to reach up and guide her hands back to her sides. He looked tortured as he gazed down at her. “C’mon. Bed.”

She shook her head slightly and tangled their fingers, pulling him closer.

“We’re not going there tonight,” she whispered when their foreheads touched. “Come say goodnight to Judith.”

His brow furrowed but he followed her to Beth’s cell anyway, where the original crib Rick’s group had found was set up and ready. Beth looked up and smiled at them both when they walked in, but put her finger to her lips to quiet them so they didn’t wake the baby.

“Night, Pumpkin,” Ava breathed as she stroked her thumb over Judith’s hair. She bent down to kiss her forehead, then straightened up and guided Shane forward so he could do the same.

Night-time ritual complete, she took Shane’s hand and nodded gratefully at Beth before leading him back out into the visitation area. Maggie and Glenn were waiting in their usual gear by the door and smiled fondly as they approached. Shane frowned, shooting Ava a confused look, but she ignored it and moved closer to Maggie, who reached out to touch her arm.

“We’ll guard from the ground. Rick’s in the other tower, so we won’t be left unprotected.”

Ava couldn’t bring herself to blush. “Thank you, Maggie.”

The other woman kissed her cheek, then nodded at Shane before heading outside with Glenn by her side.

“What’s goin’ on?” Shane asked the moment they were gone, turning her round to face him.

She gazed up at him and felt her heart squeeze at the concern she saw, the love, the vulnerability… She pushed herself up on her toes and kissed him, slow and deep, then sighed when his hands moved to grip her hips automatically. He immediately grimaced and started to move away, but she was quick to grab at his fingers, guiding them round towards her ass.

“We’ve got the tower to ourselves for the night,” she whispered, then pressed her lips to his again, willing him to understand. “With a mattress.”

He swallowed thickly, grip tightening reflexively. “Ava…”

“Shane, I need this… have needed this for a while.” She threaded her fingers through his hair and kissed him deeper. “I know you have, too.”

“I’ll hurt y-”

“You won’t,” she assured him, shaking her head. “I’m healed up enough now. I promise.”

She moved her lips against his and tugged on his hair, then smiled when he eventually gave in with a low groan, finally kissing her back with as much heat as she was him. He brought her flush against him, almost grinding his hips against hers, then pulled back with a reluctant nod.

“Okay…” He squeezed her hips. “Okay.”

“C’mon,” she urged, taking his hand and leading him outside.

In the dark, it was already hard to make out where the entrance to the tower was, but with Shane so close it was impossible to focus on anything except him. She tugged on his hand and he stepped behind her, chest flush against her back, before wrapping one arm around her waist and kissing the side of her neck. He growled playfully, just to make her giggle, then guided their joined hands to the door handle.

The moment her fingers found it, she wrenched open the door and moved far enough inside that Shane could turn and lock it behind them. As soon as he had, they were plunged into complete darkness and their breathing became the only sounds filling the space for several seconds until one or both of them stepped forwards.

Ava sighed as his gentle hands reached for her, and didn’t need to see his face for her lips to be able to hone in on his. They came together in an embrace as sensual as it was tender, with nothing to distract them from the feel it. As the heat between them built with each kiss, she looped her arms around his neck and found herself stumbling back until she was standing on the bottom step that led to the guard room.

“Shane,” she mumbled against his lips. “Stairs.”

His hands slid along her waist and hips, then smoothed over her ass and squeezed before lifting her off the floor. She moaned, so used to his cautious hold that the feel of his hands on her rear as she wrapped her legs around him sent a shiver up her spine. He was still careful, but his desire showed in how he quickly carried her up the stairs, stopping halfway to push her against the wall so he could kiss his way down her neck before continuing the rest of the way.

Once they reached the door, Shane adjusted her against him so he could unlock it, then brought his mouth back to hers as he stepped inside. The door clicked shut behind them, and he laughed under his breath at the sight that greeted him.

“Remind me to thank Maggie and Glenn,” he muttered, squeezing her ass before lowering her to her feet. Ava frowned, then let him turn her by her hips to face the rest of the room and gasped.

There were a few candles lit in the corner of the room and near the mattress, giving just enough light for them to see each other a little without being a beacon to alert anyone from the outside. The mattress had a fresh sheet and the pillows from their cell had been moved up, which would make their night much more comfortable if they decided to get any sleep.

Judging by the kisses Shane was trailing across her shoulder and along her neck, sleeping wasn’t all that likely for either one of them.

“Missed you,” he murmured against her skin as he pulled her hips back to meet his. “But y’sure this is-”

Ava turned in his hold and looped her arms around his neck. “ _Yes,_ I’m sure. I even asked Hershel.”

“Hershel?” Shane raised an eyebrow. “You actually…”

“Uh-huh,” Ava confirmed, pressing her lips to his. “I wouldn’t have dragged you up here if he hadn’t given me the all clear.”

His thumbs slipped below the hem of her t-shirt to stroke her hip as he trailed slow kisses along her jaw. “Y’didn’t _drag_ me. I want this, prob’ly more than you do.”

She opened her mouth to respond, only for him to slide her t-shirt – _his_ , as usual – up along her waist and thumb her nipples through her bra, coaxing a soft moan out instead. He smiled against her skin, then lifted his head so he could pull the fabric from her body. As soon as she was free, his fingertips slowly lowered one strap of her bra from her shoulder and followed its path with his lips while the other hand reached round to unhook it before letting it drop to the floor too.

Ava shuddered as her bare breasts pressed against his chest and tipped her head back to give him the access to her neck he was silently asking for. He nuzzled against it, then left an open-mouthed kiss there before slowly working his way back up to her jaw.

“Been goin’ crazy, stayin’ away,” he breathed, hands splayed over her back to hold her as close as he could. “Wanted to touch you so much, ev’ry day…”

“I know,” she croaked.

“Couldn’t stand it,” he whispered as his lips moved to hers. “But I jus’ couldn’t…”

She kissed him hard and cupped his cheeks in her hands. “I know.”

“Fuck, Darlin’…” He gazed into her eyes and pressed their foreheads together. “I dunno where to start, you gotta under-”

“Shhh,” she soothed. “I do understand. I do.”

She lowered one hand to grip the bottom of his t-shirt and began to push it up his chest as he groaned and closed his eyes. He released her just long enough to help her rid him of the fabric, then brought her flush against him again. They both bore scars, now. His side, her back… They hadn’t been bare together like that in so long, it was hard not to think of the reasons why.

“I’m healed up now,” she promised quietly. A tether for them both. “Don’t think about anything else.”

His lips caught hers in such a deep kiss, she found herself sliding her hands into his hair just for something to hold onto. He groaned lowly, then lifted her up and lowered them down onto the mattress in a movement that shouldn’t have been as smooth as it was. He braced himself on his forearms so she could feel the warmth of his body covering hers without crushing her with his weight, but she found herself arching up anyway, desperate for more.

His tongue teased hers as he rocked his hips down, sending a spark along her nerves everywhere they touched. It was like being reawakened after spending too long in the cold, and her body hummed with it. Shane nuzzled her cheek, then threaded the fingers of one hand with hers before kissing his way down her chest to close his lips around a nipple.

“Mmm,” she sighed as he swirled his tongue around her other nipple. Her breasts were still over-sensitive, but she’d grown more used to it so the teasing had them pushing up to seek more instead of trying to move away like before.

“Can I...” he murmured, looking pointedly at the space between them.

Ava unbuttoned her jeans one-handed in answer, then lifted her hips so he could tug them down her legs along with her panties. He kept his eyes on hers as he slowly mouthed down her abdomen before nipping at her hipbone and smiling when she jerked in response.

“Shane,” she chided, but the heat was negated by her lips returning his smile.

He sat up and lifted her legs so he could pull them free of her jeans, then pressed a tender kiss to her ankle before lowering them back down either side of him. “Scoot up.”

Ava did as he said, then smiled when he told her to stop once her head rested on the pillows.

“Comfy?” he checked.

She nodded and watched as he leaned forward and ran his warm palms down the outside of her thighs. Sensing his dilemma, she raised one leg until it rested over his shoulder and let the other fall to the side where it wouldn’t put the rest of her body in a painful position before carding her fingers through his hair.

“All night,” he muttered, resting one hand on the inside of the thigh that she’d pushed out while hooking his other arm under her lifted leg to pin her hip. His fingers teased her folds for a moment, then spread her open so he could finally explore her with his lips and tongue for the first time in what felt like an age.

After so long feeling nothing but pain and discomfort from her body, the pleasure that flowed through it at his touch was familiar yet completely new all at once, like relearning something she’d almost forgotten, and Ava couldn’t stop her eyes from welling up at the relief of it. She brought the hand not in his hair down to clutch as his forearm and whimpered as he groaned against her clit when his finger slid inside her with ease. The vibration had her twitching underneath him, hips rolling of their own volition to seek more of it.

“Shane,” she pleaded. She was close, she could feel it just within reach, but she wanted more, wanted _him_ , so she tugged at his arm and pushed his head away from her sensitive flesh. “Please.”

The sound of his belt unbuckling made her moan, and when he moved back on top of her again she felt her throat tighten from the raw emotion it instilled in her. She cupped his cheeks and held his gaze as he reached between them with one hand to run his tip along her folds, soaking it in her slick before pushing at her entrance. Her body welcomed him in without hesitation, just like it always did, and as his girth stretched her, she wrapped her legs around his hips to pull him even closer. When he finally bottomed out, she held him still, overwhelmed and shaking just like him.

Shane didn’t even try to move, nor did he want to, but he couldn’t stop himself from pushing her hair back from her face with such tenderness it made the tears she’d been holding back spill over. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on his, then whimpered when his lips met hers, slow and gentle. God, they’d needed this… they’d needed that chasm to knit over and heal, needed to be with each other this way and _feel_.

As they kissed, he took one of her hands in his and settled it against the mattress beside her head before threading their fingers together, squeezing tightly. His other smoothed along her side until it reached her thigh to hold her flush against him as he circled his hips, almost grinding himself into her in a way that had her gasping into his mouth.

“Best thing,” he breathed. “Best damn thing…”

Ava could barely nod, just tug at his hair and pour everything she had into their kiss as he started to move within her. Slow, deep, powerful, raw… thrusts that she felt _everywhere_ and moans that seemed to echo around them like a chorus _._ He whispered against her skin as they rocked together for what felt like hours, uttering words she couldn’t process but didn’t need to, for she understood anyway.

She told him with her hands, her lips, her eyes, that she felt the same and, when she came hard around him, squeezed him so tight he couldn’t do anything except join her, her tears did too.


	22. End (beginning)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, this was all gonna be smut, I won't lie. I had my fingers crossed for a little freaky-deaky.
> 
> However, plot decided to make an appearance so *shrugs*
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts on this one - you'll understand why xx

_We can run on love for a while._

_We can run on love for a while._

_We can run on love til it dies._

_Til it dies again._

He took her over and over again throughout the night, making the most of their solitude for the short time they’d been granted it. Lying on her side with him flush behind her, whispering how good she felt as his fingertips circled her slick flesh… on her front with her hips canted up as he moved so slow for so long she felt consumed by him… in his lap as he sat up so their lips didn’t have to part while they rocked together… and then with his mouth and tongue and fingers until she felt like she’d pass out from the pleasure, only to do it all over again. Every movement infused with more love than she knew what to do with.

Neither one of them slept for more than half an hour at a time, simply dozing between touches as their bodies refused to disconnect, like they were making up for the weeks spent apart. The candles burned to nothing as they laid in a tangle of limbs, exchanging sporadic kisses and always, _always,_ touching each other somehow even when they were both too spent for it to turn into more. That was what they needed more than anything. The intimacy of being so close and the freedom to enjoy it.

It was the best either of them had felt in a while and they didn’t want it to stop, not for anything, not ever, but the sounds of the birds starting to chirp in the woods and the glow of the sun rising brought with it a reminder that their family no longer stopped at them.

“Judith’ll be awake soon,” Ava murmured, speaking for the first time in hours as Shane trailed slow kisses along her shoulder. “We should- _ohh-_ we should feed her.”

“Mhmm,” he agreed, but his hand on her hip rolled her onto her back so he could move between her legs again in contradiction. “My turn first.”

Ava giggled, then moaned when he ducked his head to tease over one of the marks he’d left on her neck. “Shane…”

“One more,” he bargained, eyes alight as he grinned down at her. He looked so much lighter, so much happier… It reminded her of how things were those first few months back at the cabin, when they spent more time in bed or making each other laugh than despairing at the state of the world.

She tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth, then shook her head and smiled back. She couldn’t deny him a damn thing.

“Make it quick,” she relented, then arched into his touch as he pinned her wrists over her head with one hand and let the fingertips of the other trace a path between her breasts and down her stomach. He paused when he reached her lower abdomen, making her groan in frustration. “Shane…”

He flattened his hand and glanced down, able to see her properly now the sun was rising, but before she could question the furrow in his brow, his eyes were burning into hers again with an intensity she hadn’t been expecting. His thumb swiped over the soft skin of her belly as he kissed her hard, and then his fingers were disappearing between her legs and all thought escaped her at once.

_One more_ turned into _two more_ , and the constant over-stimulation left her so weak that even rolling over to grab herself the t-shirt Shane had been wearing the night before was hard work. Shane laughed under his breath as she tugged it on, then hunted down the other one for himself. He’d come to expect it, these past few weeks – she hadn’t worn her own clothes for a while, but it never occurred to him to mind, even when she stole the literal shirt off his back.

T-shirt now on, he grabbed his pants and boxers and slid them up his legs, then smiled when a familiar pair of arms circled his waist so gentle hands could do up his fly for him. He no longer wore belts. She didn’t need to ask why.

“This is a first,” he teased lightly, threading his fingers between hers once she was done. “You’re usually the one _un_ dressin’ me.”

Ava laughed softly and kissed his shoulder as she wrapped their arms around his waist, hugging him tight. “Seems to be the night – or day – for those.”

“Yeah,” he agreed quietly. “Won’t be the last one, though.”

“I hope not,” Ava murmured, then let him turn to face her and smiled fondly up at him. “I can see why Maggie and Glenn always come up here, now.”

“We’ll find a way, even when they’re usin’ the tower,” he promised as he brought his forehead to hers. “You’ll just hav’ta be quiet.”

“ _Me_ be quiet?” she teased. “What about _you?”_

He smirked down at her, squeezing her hips as he pulled her flush against him. “Oh, I can be quiet.”

“Yeah?” she whispered, her lips almost brushing his. “You sure?”

Shane nodded, eyes alight with mirth. “Yeah.”

Their lips met in a tender kiss that almost made her moan – half-proving his point – but it quickly started to become something more as the heat between them rebuilt, despite the two of them having spent literal hours touching each other non-stop. Ava’s hands wandered up Shane’s back to settle in his hair as his tugged at her hips, and both of them let out a little pleasured sound before one – they had no idea who – reluctantly pulled back.

“Later,” Shane murmured quietly, thumbs rubbing over her hips.

“Later,” Ava agreed as she smiled up at him. They would get _later._ That was a promise.

Smiling back at her, Shane took her hand in his and headed over to the door, not forgetting to grab their pillows on his way past. They quickly made their way down the stairs and across to the main entrance, ignoring the knowing looks Maggie and Glenn sent their way, then smiled at the sight of Beth sleepily walking into the visitation room.

“You’re back,” she noticed, sounding more than a little groggy. “I was just about to start her bottle.”

“I’ll do that,” Shane replied softly as the two of them came to a stop by the baby supplies. “You go back to sleep, sweetheart.”

Beth nodded gratefully and started to shuffle back towards the cell block before turning back to tell them, “She’s in your cell.”

Ava frowned. “Oh?”

“She got grumbly, so I took her in there a couple hours ago,” Beth explained. “I think she prefers Mommy and Daddy’s room to mine, now.”

Ava couldn’t help but grin at that, even if Beth didn’t realize the significance of her word choice. “Yeah, she’s getting picky.”

“Thanks for taking her,” Shane added, squeezing Ava into his side. “It meant a lot.”

Beth smiled, then waved goodnight to them both before heading back to bed with a yawn. Ava laughed softly as she watched the blonde go – she could only imagine how much of a state she herself usually looked after so many long nights with Judith. The lack of mirrors in the place was sometimes a Godsend, since she hadn’t actually had to see her own reflection for about a month.

“You wanna go see if the baby’s awake yet?” Shane suggested, kissing Ava’s temple.

She smiled. He always made her feel beautiful, mirror or no mirror.

“I’ll make the bottle up and meet you in there.”

“Okay,” she agreed, then turned to run her hands up his chest and play with the fabric covering the necklace he almost never took off before taking the pillows from his hand. “Don’t take too long.”

Shane laughed, but nodded anyway. “Course.”

She pressed her lips to his, lingering just a moment before sighing happily and making her way across to the cell block. She turned at the door to find him watching her, then rolled her eyes fondly and continued to their cell, eager to see their baby girl again. Although their night alone had been the best thing to happen in a while, she had missed being able to glance over to watch Judith as she slept and know their little girl was safe.

She threw the pillows onto the bed and grinned at the sight of tiny feet kicking excitedly the moment she was close enough for Judith to see her. The baby was starting to recognize them now, and as Ava bent over to pick her up, she was more grateful than ever that she could hold her close again without being in excruciating, unbearable pain. A little discomfort from time to time, however, was more than worth it.

“Hey, Pumpkin.”

Those gorgeous brown eyes met hers, and then Judith gave her the cute baby smile that had begun to make a regular appearance over the past few days. Ava’s heart swelled and she knew she was smiling back like an absolute idiot but didn’t care. Some things were just impossible to contain.

“Missed you so much,” she cooed, nuzzling Judith’s nose before settling her in the crook of her arm. She offered the baby her finger and felt a surge of pride at the tight grip it was instantly captured in. “That’s my girl.”

It would be so easy, in moments like that, to forget everything else. She never would, of course, but the sense of peace that settled within her made her wish she could. The world could be so dark and bleak, sometimes, but Judith cut through that like it was nothing, and that was _everything_.

“Careful – she might break it off.”

Ava laughed and turned to find Shane gazing at them both from the entrance to the cell, bottle of formula in hand. “Feels that way!”

“Strong as steel, ain’t ya, Little Love?” Shane praised as he closed the distance between them, kissing Ava’s hair before running his fingertip down Judith’s nose. The baby’s eyes lit up at the sight of her Daddy, and the smile she gave him would probably have been enough to revive even the furthest gone walker, it was so pure.

She kicked out her little feet and Ava had to pass her over to Shane before she managed to wriggle out of her arms. The movements weren’t hurting, but she didn’t want to push her luck. Babies were stronger than anyone seemed to give them credit for.

“You okay?” Shane murmured, offering the nipple of the bottle to Judith, who latched on hungrily. “Did she-”

“No, no, that didn’t hurt,” Ava assured him with a smile. “Ribs are healed pretty nicely, judging by… well, _this_ and all _that_.”

Shane nodded, appeased slightly, but his eyes followed her while she headed over to their box of clothes anyway. She bent down to grab a clean outfit for him, then hesitated before grabbing some things of her own for once, though she’d probably end up throwing something of Shane’s over the top and they both knew it.

She pulled off the stolen t-shirt and chucked it onto the bed beside the pillows before switching out for a fresh bra and grimacing when her breasts decided to try and spill out of it. “Of all things, you’d think we’d be able to escape the perils of inconsistent bra sizing by now.”

From her position turned to the side, she could see Shane staring at her from the corner of her eye and rolled her eyes as she pulled on her tank top, covering her breasts again before changing into a fresh pair of panties and jeans. He always was an ass, legs _and_ boobs man.

“You still feelin’ nauseous?” he asked as she bent over and adjusted the bedding back to its usual tidy state after pulling on some clean socks. The previous times she’d done that, it had made her queasy as anything – as had most movements, if she was honest – so the question didn’t surprise her.

“Haven’t for a few days,” she replied truthfully, even going as far as fluffing the pillows now that she could. “Pretty sure that was from the swelling and pressure on my stomach when I moved, to be fair – Hershel did say it might happen.”

“Right,” Shane acknowledged, but didn’t stop there. “You’re still real tired though, ain’t ya?”

Ava turned to face him and smiled fondly at him as he gazed down at Judith. “Shane, we’re all tired.”

She closed the distance between them and placed a hand on his bicep, thumb grazing over his skin.

“I’m okay,” she whispered. “I know why you’re worried, but you don’t have to be.”

Shane frowned, voice disbelieving. “You do?”

“Course I do.” She glanced down at Judith, who was half-asleep already, then pushed herself up on her toes to press her lips to Shane’s. “You think I didn’t struggle when you were recovering? Honest to God, every time you moved, I was terrified you’d pop your stitches or somethin’. I still get twitchy when you lift stuff now, even though I _know_ you’re healed up. So, yeah - I know.”

Shane’s gaze flitted down before meeting hers again, and she found her brow furrowing at the strange look in his eyes, but then he blinked and it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

“You’re right,” he conceded as Judith started grumbling. “I think I’m just over-tired.”

“Y’think?” Ava teased, taking the bottle from him so he could lift the baby over his shoulder to burp her.

The exchange came so naturally to them, now, but watching Shane with Judith like that still got to her, for some reason. She wasn’t sure if it was the ease with which he’d slipped into his role as a dad or the fact he always seemed to know exactly what Judith needed, whether it be a pat on the back or a rub, a skin-to-skin cuddle or an adjustment in position… but it suited him. And the more time went on, the better he seemed to get at it.

Ava smiled as he started to rock from side to side, absently patting in circles over Judith’s back until she burped before moving towards the bed to gently lay her down on her back. The baby’s legs immediately kicked out, but he kept a firm hand on her stomach to steady her as he reached over to the pile of baby clothes Ava had folded the night before.

“You gonna hold still for me, Little Love?” he cooed, unpopping Judith’s sleepsuit. She started gumming at her fist, legs calming slightly as if she could understand him despite how impossible that was, then smiled up at Shane as he kissed her tiny feet once they were free from the fabric.

He changed her diaper like it was nothing, then blew a raspberry on her bare stomach and laughed when she kicked happily and did the little cute pants of breath she always did when she was excited. Ava gazed at them both with a smile on her face, unable to resist chuckling when Shane had to wrestle Judith’s squirming limbs into her clean outfit for the day because he’d gotten her so worked up.

“Shoulda let her go back to sleep,” she teased as she watched him struggle. “You won’t be able to put her back down, now – she won’t let you.”

Shane shrugged playfully and pulled a face at Judith, making her smile again, then he did up the poppers before lifting her up with a, “ _Whoosh!_ ”

He held her upright against his chest and pretended to munch on her fingers when she excitedly waved them up by his face, all traces of the tiredness he was feeling replaced by the sheer joy of playing with his daughter. “You’re too cute to sleep, ain’t ya, Little Love? Big day of growin’ an’ smilin’… bein’ the best baby in the world.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Ava teased, unable to keep the laughter from her voice as she reached to take the baby. “C’mere, Pumpkin.”

Judith kicked out her feet when Ava took hold of her but went with little fuss and started drooling happily as soon as she was settled. Ava didn’t even grimace, she was so used to it.

“Daddy needs to get changed into something clean, doesn’t he, Sweetheart?” she murmured conspiringly, kissing Judith’s hair. “Yes, he does!”

“Really, Darlin’? And you say I’m ridiculous.” Shane pressed his lips to hers, then pulled his t-shirt off over his head and started to get dressed in the fresh clothes Ava had picked out. His eyes kept flitting up and down her body as he did so, pausing at various points before switching back to Judith, and it would have made her feel a little self-conscious if it weren’t for the look on his face.

“What’s that for?” she wondered.

Shane looked down at the bed as he did up his pants, avoiding her gaze. “What’s what for?”

“That look,” she pressed. “That’s at least the third time I’ve seen it this mornin’.”

Shane sighed, grabbing his new t-shirt and pulling it on. He moved closer to her, eyes softer than she’d ever seen, then cupped her cheek in his hand. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she murmured softly. Shane smiled, then leaned in to kiss her, lips moving against hers slow and gentle without the heat from before. The change in pace was surprising, but Ava felt like she’d melt from it anyway and found herself a little breathless when they parted. “God, I’ve missed that.”

“Me too,” he whispered, thumb stroking over her skin. He gazed at her for a long moment, then chuckled as Judith started making little sounds to draw their attention back to her. “Alright, Little Love, alright…”

He took Judith from Ava’s arms and noisily kissed her soft cheek as he settled her upright against him, bouncing her slightly the way he knew she liked.

“I can carry her,” she reminded him, not quite telling him off.

“I know,” he murmured. “But for the sake of _later_ …”

Ava tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth, toes curling slightly at the thought, then shook herself and took a step back. “Fine. But I’m doing breakf-”

Judith burped, bringing up white spittle over Shane’s fresh t-shirt which was quickly followed by some more.

“Ah, sh- _oot_ ,” he muttered, censoring himself halfway through. He grabbed the muslin cloth to wipe it up, then grimaced when it didn’t get rid of the stain.

“Yeah, I’m definitely doin’ breakfast,” she teased, knowing he’d have to change. “You want me to hold her while you change?”

Shane waved her off. “Nah, we’re good.”

“Suit yourself.” She laughed softly before heading towards the cell entrance. “Add it to the laundry – we’re due another round anyway.”

With that, she walked next door to grab a couple of MREs from their slowly decreasing stash, then moved into the main room to get started. They didn’t like to use them often, but it seemed like the perfect way to top off a perfect night so she was happy to make an exception. She was just starting to prepare the meals when Axel and Carol came through on their way to relieve Maggie and Glenn from their shift on watch.

“Breakfast’ll be ready soon,” she told them. “You mind lettin’ Rick know? I’ll come getcha when it’s done.”

“Sure thing,” Axel agreed as Carol smiled, and Ava watched the two of them go before focusing back on the packets in front of her. They were the same breakfast combination as the first round they’d had, but since everyone had seemed to enjoy them she didn’t think they’d mind much, and at least she knew what to do with the items instead of having to read all the instructions from the start.

Maggie and Glenn joined her about a minute after the others had swapped shifts with them, and Ava would probably have blushed if the smell of the maple sausage hadn’t made her stomach churn without warning. She swallowed thickly, trying to ignore it and smile at the couple as they approached instead, but Maggie’s frown told her she’d failed.

“You okay?” she asked quietly.

“Mhmm,” Ava got out tightly. “You mind taking over for a sec?”

“Sure,” Maggie agreed, but before she could ask any more questions Ava was grabbing the set of keys Shane had luckily left on the table by the formula he’d prepared and fumbling to unlock the gate to Block D.

She managed to get halfway around the corner before doubling over and heaving, saliva the only thing she was able to bring up. That was a first. Usually it was bending over or strenuous movement that had her feeling nauseous, not the smell of food, and she hadn’t been lying when she’d told Shane it had stopped several days ago.

But then it hit her again and she had to brace herself against the wall to stop herself curling up. She coughed thickly as her eyes streamed from the relentless heaving, then groaned quietly and rested her forehead against the cool wall.

One day. That was all she’d wanted. One day without _something_ interrupting.

Once the wave had passed, she straightened up a little and brought her hand down to her stomach, as if it would prevent it from churning again. When that pressure didn’t work, she rubbed in a circle, starting from the top and slowly moving down and round to her lower abdomen.

Her more swollen than usual lower abdomen.

She looked down at herself, leaning her head forward slightly to see over her breasts, and stared at her stomach for the first time in over a month without the bagginess of Shane’s t-shirt covering it.

It wasn’t much.

But it _was_ there.

_Right?_

She brought her hand back to her stomach and traced the soft curve that definitely wasn’t there normally. It wasn’t some huge semi-circle or roll of fat. No. Without the tightness of her tank top forming around it, it can’t have been that visible – she’d have noticed before then if it was. Even _with_ the tank top, it probably still wasn’t quite enough for anybody else who didn’t know her body to look twice at, let alone wonder if-

But Shane had.

The furrowed brow. The hesitancy then unexplained intensity when he’d touched her in the light that morning. The sudden caution when Judith had kicked. The _staring._

Oh, _God,_ Shane had _noticed._

The questions he’d asked her… she’d dismissed them like they meant nothing, explained away the details he’d picked up on without even thinking about it. Her nausea. Her tiredness. Her sensitive breasts, which may have been in the correctly fitting bra after all… He’d noticed.

He was Shane. _Of course_ he had.

He knew her body better than she did.

Like her, he just hadn’t _seen_ it until then.

Maybe he would have realized sooner – or _she_ would have done herself – had it not been for the fact that they no longer even _thought_ to question her lack of periods after that first query of his because they were so sporadic… If she got one every three months, she was lucky. Or unlucky, since it always brought horrendous cramps with it.

But it didn’t make sense. Things were too far along to fit any sort of understandable timeline. No way did it make sense.

Until it did.

The tree.

They’d been so careful until then. But careful hadn’t mattered in the heat of that moment.

There had been a few times since then, but nothing long enough ago to have produced _that_ except maybe the first night in Block D _._

That felt so long ago, now. So much had happened…

She let out a sob, curling in on herself as her arms banded themselves across her stomach. She’d almost _died_. She’d been kicked, broken ribs… The stress of it all…

She couldn’t even think about it.

No.

No, because if she let herself even start to consider what all that could have done to the- to the-

“This isn’t happening,” she mumbled. “This can’t be happening.”

Her hands shook violently as she cupped the bump – fuck, it was a bump, wasn’t it? – of her stomach and felt like she’d been thrust back on that carousel from before, round and round and round and round…

Her feet stumbled back towards the visitation room, some lizard brain instinct drawing her back to the only person who would understand. Her mind was swirling, and she honestly had no idea what to say or do or think or _feel_ except that it wasn’t real yet. It wouldn’t be real, not until she spoke to Shane.

No way.

She couldn’t even entertain the idea until then.

That path was dangerous, it was… It was…

She all but fell through the gate and fumbled to lock it behind her, probably drawing the attention of fucking _everyone_ because that was exactly what she needed right then.

“Ava?”

The sound of Shane’s voice made her eyes rush with tears that she had to blink away before she could bring herself to turn around. He was halfway out his seat by the time she finally did, Judith squirming against him at the sudden change in position. Nobody else was there.

The moment their gazes met, Ava’s breath caught in her throat and she felt like a magnet was pulling her forward.

“W-Where is everyone?” she forced herself to say.

“Hershel’s gettin’ Rick, Maggie and Glenn’re gettin’ Beth…” Shane frowned. “Darlin’, what’s-”

Then the gunfire started.

Ava hit the ground before she even registered it, terror striking her so hard it made her shake all over as she crawled behind the nearest table for protection. She heard shouts and screams, the rustle of urgent movements… footsteps thundering to get outside…

“Ava!”

Her head shot up at the sound of Shane yelling her name and the raw panic on his face was enough to have her scrambling towards him, crossing the room in seconds. He pulled her in one-armed, sliding her across the floor until she was shielded by his body, then handed her their screaming infant.

“Take Judith and get inside the cells!” he urged, the words barely registering over the ruckus from outside. “Go!”

“No!” She shook her head, desperately tugging on his arm as he started to stand. “Shane!”

He pulled her to her feet and all but dragged her towards the gate, still protecting her and Judith with his own body. He pushed her through to safety, then grabbed the hand of hers that somehow still held the keys. “Lock yourself in and don’t you fuckin’ come out for anythin’, okay?”

“Shane, you can’t go out there!”

“Ava, I don’t have a choice!” He ran his hand through his hair, an almost feral look on his face. “Carl’s out there!”

Carl _._

Oh fuck, _Carl._

“Go!” she cried as her brain suddenly kicked the fuck back into gear again, working overtime to process what was happening. “Jesus Christ, just _go!”_

He squeezed her hand through the bars, then turned on his heel and ran to the cage they stored their guns in to grab a couple before sprinted outside to join the others.

Oh, God.

Ava felt like she was choking on her own breaths as it all hit her at once.

Oh, _God._

Judith’s wailing brought her back into focus, and Ava curled herself around her as she ran for their cell. Footsteps from her left had her startling into almost falling over, but she recognized the blonde hair to be Beth’s and didn’t hesitate to pull on her arm to drag her along beside her.

“Get in!” she hissed, pushing the girl into the cell in front of her before locking the three of them in, hands shaking so violently she almost couldn’t turn the key.

“What’s happening?!”

Ava hastily pulled down the sheet they used for privacy and barked orders at Beth, panic overriding everything else. “Move the bed forward and get behind it! Now!”

Beth did as she was told and Ava cursed as Judith continued to scream, grabbing the toy giraffe from the crib along with the pacifier they rarely had to use on her way to join Beth behind the feeble shelter.

“What’s happening?” Beth cried. “What’s going on?!”

“I don’t know!” Ava spat, words coming out too harsh in her panic.

“Is it The Governor?” Beth panicked.

Ava gave Judith the pacifier and cradled Judith to her chest, trying to calm her down as well as herself. “I don’t _know!”_

“M-My Dad…”

“Fuck!” She forced herself to breathe, to soften her tone, to keep her head straight. “If it’s The Governor, we’ll take him out, okay? He’s not gonna get us.”

“But-”

_“Beth!”_ Ava cut in. “ _He’s_ _not gonna get us._ Okay? Say it with me.”

“He’s not gonna get us,” Beth weakly parroted back, tears staining her cheeks. “He’s not gonna get us.”

“Good,” Ava soothed. “That’s good.”

She tipped her head back against the wall and willed herself to believe it, but Judith’s cries were so shrill, so scared… It made it all that much worse.

“ _Ooh, love. No-one’s ever gonna hurt you, love,”_ she shakily sang, lifting Judith against her chest so the baby’s head was against her bare skin. _“I’m gonna give you all of my love. Nobody matters like you._ ”

The gunfire outside echoed through the walls, making it hard to focus. She pressed her lips to Judith’s hair and tried to breathe her in, curling her body even more to shield the precious thing she needed to protect.

“ _Your life ai-ain’t gon’ be n-nothin’ like my life. You’re gonna grow and have a-”_ Her voice cracked and she had to clamp her eyes shut. _“A_ good _life. I’m gonna do what I got to do.”_

Beth’s hand reached for hers and she took it, pulling the girl into her side while she desperately attempted to not think about the words coming out of her own mouth. _Not real. Not yet._

“ _So rockabye baby, rockabye. I’m gonna rock you.”_

How was this happening? How could this all be happening at once?

“ _Rockabye baby, don’t you cry. Somebody’s got you…_ ”

Ava’s voice cut out and she couldn’t bring it back.

The sudden silence from outside made her stomach drop, but in less than a minute the sound of loud crashes followed by even more gunfire filtered through and Ava didn’t know whether to be relieved or absolutely terrified by it.

It seemed to go on for an age. An age where nothing made sense and everything seemed to come apart at the seams… An age where Ava prayed and _prayed_ that Shane was okay, that this wasn’t like last time, that she’d see him again and this wasn’t how it ended, because _that_ would never became real if she didn’t get the chance to tell him-

“AVA!”

She hurriedly handed Judith to Beth and shot to her feet, unlocking the cell door before running out towards the gate so fast her footfalls almost became skids. “Shane!”

She fumbled to unlock the gate as Shane sprinted across the visitation room, eyes wild and chest heaving. The moment it was open, he reached for her, one hand cupping her cheek while the other immediately sought her stomach without conscious thought.

Ava sobbed, covering his fingers with hers as their foreheads met.

“The Governor…” he panted.

“I know,” Ava croaked as her chest seized painfully. She’d always known it would happen eventually – they all had – but this… fuck, _this…?_

Their gazes locked, like looking away would kill them both.

And maybe it would. Maybe that was all they had to keep them together. Maybe that was the only thing that was real.

The words spilled out anyway. “I’m pregnant.”

Shane’s hand pressed tighter against her belly before he swallowed thickly and nodded.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, sometimes I hate the fact that everything constantly seems to go catastrophically wrong in this show.
> 
> Don't blame me - blame the writers! xx


	23. Walking the Wire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, I'm the worst at updating this - I got distracted by my Negan fic!
> 
> I've got my Shane mojo back now though, thanks to all of you who have commented, especially Khyharah <3
> 
> The next one update will come much sooner than this one, I promise xx

_We must be killers_

_Children of the wild ones_

_Killers_

_Where we got left to run?_

Ava knew she was shaking. Knew her face must have betrayed her terror from Beth’s concern when they’d taken Judith from her arms and told her to go to her father and sister. Recognized the pounding in her ears as her own heartbeat, mingled with Shane’s. Felt the seizing of her lungs and the rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins.

All the things she could’ve thought… all those _what ifs_ and _almosts_ and _maybes…_ her injuries, Shane’s near-miss, this attack…

None of that mattered.

It was real, now. Undeniable.

_I’m pregnant. I know._

That was all she could think.

Not what was said before. Not what should have been said after. Just those four words, over and over.

There simply wasn’t enough room left for anything else.

She buried her face against Shane’s chest and clutched at his t-shirt, tears threatening to burst free as she heard what he was murmuring to the baby he held in his other arm.

“It’s gonna be okay… Daddy’s gotcha, Little Love…”

 _Daddy_.

Ava closed her eyes.

Noises were rumbling down from the visitation room now. Rushed and urgent. Loud and anxious.

They should have been out there with the rest of them.

She couldn’t bring herself to join them. Not yet. She needed a moment to breathe before getting back on that carousel she hated so much. A moment to think. To _comprehend_ …

“Hey, now, Sweetheart, it’s alright… you’re safe now… Mama’s gotcha too…” Shane cooed at their fussing daughter as she let out a distressed cry and kicked her legs in agitation, just as rattled as they were. Ava sniffled before unfurling one of her hands from Shane’s t-shirt and stroking her shaking fingers over Judith’s hair, trying to comfort her as best she could. She knew half the reason the baby was so worked up was because they were, and fought to reign herself in.

“H-Hey, Pumpkin,” she croaked, then managed a half smile when Judith nuzzled against her hand, starting to calm. “Good girl. There y’go.”

Shane pressed a hard kiss to her hair and clung to her tighter, taking the brief second Judith was distracted to collect himself just like Ava was trying to. He couldn’t take a single step either.

If he did? If he went in there and listened to the others go on and on about _I told yous_ and _we should haves_? It would be the same bullshit they’d spent weeks arguing about, just with _proof_ someone, somewhere, had fucked up instead of speculating about the possibility of it happening. Move out, stay put, fight back, hide away. It didn’t even fucking matter anymore – The Governor had found them; _how_ was the least of their worries – but nobody else would be able to see that. They’d just continue to argue.

If he was there during all that, the rage he’d been burying for weeks would unfurl its wings and he didn’t think he’d be able to control it. Not after they had _finally_ got back on track, just to have it all start to crumble again. It wouldn’t just be his rage at the others that would emerge; it would be his rage at the entire fucked up world, too.

But there, in that cell, he could focus. Think about nothing except Ava and Judith and Carl and…

The baby. _Their_ unborn baby.

Another child. Another chance. Another life to consider.

When he’d first felt that curve of Ava’s stomach… a pang of regretful longing had taken his breath away, threatened to crush his heart to mush because he’d _wanted._ He’d _hoped_. Wished. Dreamed. For that, with Ava. To be there from the start, this time. Realization to birth. Beginning to _beginning._ To see the bump he’d _sworn_ was there grow into something he’d never thought he’d be lucky enough to have.

How many second chances could one man get?

He’d dismissed it as a fantasy, told himself _no, no way, not you, not after._ And then, before he’d got his breath back, everything had started crashing down around them and it was like being back in that goddamn Hyundai again. Waiting. Helpless against an onslaught that seemed to come out of nowhere. He’d wanted to protect that perfect picture in his head, felt his instincts go wild at the thought of _maybe…_ So he’d fought. Fired. Defended.

And in the calm, when he was running back to her? He just knew. It wasn’t his imagination anymore. The nausea, the sensitive breasts, the tiredness… the signs he’d noticed but explained away… _she_ was now _them._ All he’d needed was the words to confirm she knew it, too. And he’d got them.

_I’m pregnant._

Maybe _that_ was the world’s way of apologizing for it all.

And then taking that apology right back by letting the Governor find them.

“Shane…” Ava was so scared, so worried… but she sounded _awed,_ and when she tore her gaze from Judith to look up at him through teary eyes, he knew that was because she _was._ Neither one of them had anticipated this, but that didn’t also mean they didn’t want it now it was actually _happening_.

There was a fine line between shock and horror, but they were both standing on the same side of it.

“I _know_ ,” he whispered. His hand moved to the upper curve of her hip, thumb stroking over her stomach. “Darlin’, I know.”

Ava looked at Judith once more, then down at her own body. Two babies. _Their_ babies. And a madman at the front door.

She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel; terror or excitement? Joy or worry? The war they waged within her was just as forceful as the one that had just been fought outside… How could things go so right yet so wrong at the same time?

“This is really happening,” she breathed, fingers stroking over Judith’s tiny feet as the little girl nuzzled against her father’s chest, finally calm. “This is…”

“Real,” he finished for her as his arm pulled her in even tighter. Both his girls, close as could be. “This is real.”

Ava shuddered against him. It was. It really, really was. But that meant what had just happened was, too, and she couldn’t just ignore that harsh reality, no matter how much she wished she could. “What’re we… what do we…?”

“We survive.” Shane said it with such conviction, Ava wanted more than anything to believe him. “Same way we always do. Together.”

“How?” she worried, fingers curling into the fabric of his t-shirt a little tighter as her other hand. “The Governor-”

“Fuck that asshole.” He shook his head, the words almost spat from his lips. “He ain’t gonna get a second shot at us. At _you._ ”

Ava bit down on her bottom lip, brow furrowed. “He _knows_ where we are… He could still be out there right now, I-”

“He ain’t,” he assured her, his jaw clenching at the mere thought of it. The Governor didn’t have the fucking balls to strike twice so soon. No. They’d held him off good. Fought back harder than he’d expected. He’d need time to regroup, time to restock… “He fuckin’ ran after he let that walker bomb loose, took his men wit-”

Ava recoiled on reflex, fear jolting through her. “ _Walker bomb?”_

“He let a truck of ‘em loose in the yard, got fuckin’ Hershel-”

“Hershel?!” Ava gasped, and Shane cursed himself for not thinking his words through before letting them out his mouth.

“No, no, Darlin’, no, he’s fine, ‘kay?” He stroked her hair soothingly, but it did little to calm her. “It was close, but Michonne ‘n Glenn got him outta there in time.”

“Jesus,” Ava breathed. It could’ve been any one of them out there… It could’ve been her, been him… Carl… “Wait, Carl-”

Shane gently pulled her against his chest before she could move. “He’s _alright_ , Darlin’. We’re okay.”

“How can you-…” Ava shook her head, trying not to outright panic but unable to stop herself from trembling. This was why she shouldn’t’ve thought about anything else, why she should have just let herself drift. “Shane, he _found_ us! None of us are okay, this is not… We can’t- I won’t-”

“Shhhhh,” he murmured, glancing down at Judith as she started to squirm, reacting to Ava’s anxiety. “Easy, girl, breathe…”

But it wasn’t easy, not even close. If he got past those gates, if he breached the door…

_You know, I really didn’t want it to happen this way... but now we’re here… I think I’m gonna enjoy this._

“We can’t do this, I c-can’t stay here,” Ava stammered as she tried to resist his hold on her, instinct pulling her back, making her hands itch with the need to pack up, to _run…_ “Shane, we gotta- we gotta-”

“We leave, there ain’t no guarantee we’ll make it,” he warned, keeping his voice low, calm… reassuring, even as his own heart was racing. “Bein’ on the road with a little’un in one arm and another on the way…”

“Shane, if we stay…” Ava shivered as she pushed it all back. The memories. The pain. “If he…”

“Darlin’…” Shane lifted his hand from her hip to cup her cheek and coaxed her face up to meet his gaze, his thumb brushing over her skin. Ava whimpered quietly and leaned into the touch, bringing her own hand up to cover his. “It’s gonna be fine.”

“I’m scared,” she whispered.

“I know, Sweetheart,” he murmured. _God, did he know._ “But you ain’t gotta be, okay? We’ll talk to the others. Figure it out.”

Ava nodded, but her frown was still so deep, so troubled… it broke his heart.

“Hey,” he coaxed, ducking his head to catch her eyes with his again. “Ava…”

“What if Rick…” She swallowed thickly. “What if he doesn’t… If he-”

“If Rick ain’t gonna do what’s necessary, we’ll do what we always said we would,” Shane said simply, like potentially splitting from the group’s path again wouldn’t tear them both up inside. “I ain’t puttin’ us in danger just ‘cause he says so.”

Ava exhaled a shaky breath, then let out a quiet moan-like whimper when Shane’s lips met hers and his hand dropped to her waist.

“You, me, Judith…” he breathed, voice low and soft as his thumb swept under the hem of her tank top, over her stomach. “This baby… We come first. We gotta.”

“And Carl,” Ava whispered, eyes closed and fingers twisted in his shirt. “Whatever we do, we can’t leave him.”

“We won’t,” Shane swore as he kissed her forehead. “But, Darlin’, you gotta know… No matter what, he ain’t gonna hurtcha again.”

Ava wasn’t convinced. “You can’t know that…”

“I do,” he countered firmly.

“Shane,” she whispered, expression softening. She wanted to believe him. She really did. But knowing what they were facing… “How can you? He-”

“He ain’t gonna hurtcha, ‘cause I ain’t gonna let ‘im,” he vowed as he held her gaze unrelentingly, willing her to understand.

She did. She could read between those lines. Knew what Shane was thinking.

_The Governor wouldn’t live long enough to try._

Shane had wanted to do it all along. Wanted to maim and kill and hurt the Governor just like he had hurt her… and now he had his reason to. His motive. He wouldn’t have been able to justify potentially breaking his promise to her by leaving to go after him without it. Doing so hadn’t even been an option until the Governor had found their front door and tried to cave it in.

“Shane, I-” She stopped herself. Bit her tongue.

As much as she wanted to run, staying within the four walls of the prison was the best place for them, especially when she was… when she was pregnant. The wilderness was no place for a baby, let alone two of them.

But there was no way they could stay, not when every moment that monster was alive was a moment he could strike.

They’d be doomed either way.

So if going to Woodbury was what he felt was necessary to keep his family safe… if _that_ was what it would take to free them, to carve a new, safer path for them all… she wouldn’t get in the way. She couldn’t.

That didn’t make it any easier to cope with the thought of it, though. It was too much, too fast.

One minute, she’d been wrapping her head around the fact she was pregnant, and then the next…

“Why now?” She closed her eyes and sank into Shane’s hold, lifting her free hand to cup the back of Judith’s head more to comfort herself than the baby. “Why today? Are we not… are we not allowed to just _breathe_ anymore?”

“Don’t think like that,” Shane murmured, gently squeezing her waist. She’d fought too hard to get back from the edge the first time to tumble back over at the last second. “It’ll drive ya crazy. We need to focus, stay calm…”

“I know,” she sighed. No matter how freaked out she was, no matter how shaken, she knew he was right. “I’m okay. Just…”

She gave a half-shrug and looked down at the floor, only for Shane to slip his hand round to her lower back and press her against him, coaxing her to lift her head again.

“I love you,” he reminded her, and the earnestness in his voice, the love… It eased that tightness in her chest, helped her focus. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered, smiling just slightly, but smiling all the same.

This, they could handle. The Governor was nothing. Just a speck. A maggot… He didn’t break them then, and he wouldn’t break them now.

Ava moaned quietly as Shane pressed his lips to hers, slipping one of her hands up into his hair and tugging ever so slightly just to hear him do the same. It took her stress and used it to reignite some of that heat from that morning – _was it really only a few hours ago? –_ and she couldn’t help but push herself against him in an attempt to get closer.

“Easy, Darlin’,” Shane chuckled, easing himself backwards slightly so Judith wouldn’t get crushed between them. “Let me put her-”

“Ava?!”

At the sound of Maggie’s urgent call, the two of them broke apart like a torrent of ice had been rained down on them, the sudden movement startling the almost-asleep baby in Shane’s arms.

“No! They have a right to know! This ain’t right!” Maggie’s next shout was harsh, cold, so unlike her that it set them both even more on edge. “Shane?!”

The rattle of the cell block door as it opened had them moving in tandem, rushing out their cell to meet Maggie, but before they even got halfway the other woman was putting her hands up to stop them. Her face was flushed, jaw clenched and hands trembling slightly, but when she looked up at Ava her hard expression crumpled.

“What’s wrong?” Ava croaked dryly, throat suddenly tight.

“They’re here,” Maggie warned, glancing anxiously between them both. “ _He_ ’s here.”

“Who?” Shane wondered, tone hardening as he took a defensive step forward to partially block Ava. “The Govern-”

“No. Not him,” Maggie cut in, eyes now fixed on Ava’s suddenly fearful ones.

It didn’t take more than a second for it to hit home.

Ava took a half step back, gaze flicking to the cell block door.

“No,” she muttered, breath hitching in her throat. “N-no.”

“I tried to stop ‘em, but Rick…”

_Pain. Screaming. Smirking. Dying._

“N-no, th-that’s…” Ava whimpered, mentally thrown right back _there_ , to that moment, to that place, just like she knew she would if they showed up. Her arms wrapped themselves around her abdomen as she shook her head, panic suddenly rising again like a tidal wave, only this time she didn’t have the strength to stop it drowning her. “I don’t- I don’t under-”

“Maggie?” Shane pressed as he glanced between the two of them worriedly, still not understanding. _“Who?”_

“ _Daryl_ ,” came the reply, and suddenly all he could see was red.

“God fuckin’ damn it” Shane cursed as he turned to Ava, whose face was drained of all color. “Take Judith.”

“Shane,” Maggie tried to protest, but it was weak and they all knew it. She’d told them for a reason.

Shane carefully handed Judith over, hands shaking so hard he was scared he’d drop her, and Ava reacted on instinct alone as she held the baby to her chest, blinking owlishly up at him.

“Get back in the cell,” he instructed lowly, expression fierce as he cupped her cheek and pressed their foreheads together. “Lock that damn door behind ya.”

Ava’s mouth struggled to form words. “Sh- Shane…”

“I ain’t lettin’ that motherfucker near ya,” he swore. “He’s a fuckin’ dead man.”

Maggie’s voice softened. “Shane, wait-”

He was storming away before either of them had a chance to process it, jaw clenched and hands curled into fists, and that was enough to unglue Ava’s lips and kickstart her brain again.

“Wh-What…” Ava managed to stammer, eyes widening as the reality of what he was about to do sunk in.

_Oh, God._

“Shane!” she cried as she hurried after him with Maggie at her side, cradling Judith against her chest like she could protect her from the very thing that was threatening to tear her apart herself. “Shane!”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Shane moved so fast not even Daryl could reach him in time to stop him from grabbing Merle by his collar and slamming him down on the nearest visitation table. “YOU THINK YOU CAN COME BACK HERE AND-”

“SHANE!” Rick desperately tried to haul Shane off Merle, but his rage was too strong this time, too all-consuming, and his fist met Merle’s face with a sickening smack. Then another.

“G’OFF ‘IM, MAN!”

It was a flurry of limbs, of shouts and screams and everything they’d all kept pent up for weeks, and even when Rick and Daryl finally managed to pull Shane off a groaning Merle, he just kept lunging, kept fighting, getting his hits in where he could, and all Ava could do was stand there and try not to choke on air.

He could have killed her.

That man… he’d nearly...

And now he was _there_.

Just minutes after The Governor.

“YOU ALMOST KILLED THEM!” Shane bellowed as Merle struggled to sit up, blood pouring from his nose just like it had when Ava had headbutted him all those weeks ago. “WE WOULDN’T’VE EVEN KNOWN SHE WAS-”

“TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY,” Rick attempted to calm, grabbing Shane’s bicep, wrist, chest, whatever part of him he could, but all that did was enrage Shane even more. This wasn’t just about what Merle did to Ava. It was about what he _could_ have done.

“BACK THE FUCK OFF, MAN!” Shane spat, hate-filled gaze turning on Rick as he pushed back from the arms restraining him, biding his time before striking again. “YOU GOT NO FUCKIN’ IDEA WHAT COULD’VE-”

“God-fucking-dammit, Walsh, we’re on the same side!” Merle wiped the blood from his face on his sleeve and grimaced. Shane knew how to throw a punch on a good day, but an angry Shane… Ava may have never seen him reach this level before, but knew Merle’s nose was shattered without having to see it herself.

He deserved worse.

“The same si-” Shane laughed bitterly and shook his head, almost side-stepping the human barrier Daryl and Rick had formed instead of trying to break through it like before. “The same side?!”

“Shane, please, this is not the time to-”

“Not the time?!” Shane scoffed, eyeing Rick with something akin to disgust as he ran a shaking hand through his hair. Judith started to wail, and Ava instinctively bounced her to try to get her to calm even though all she wanted to do was run. Away from Merle. Away from _this._ “When _is_ the time, huh? When he’s standin’ over her, kickin’ the shit outta her again?! When he’s forcin’ himself on her?!”

“Hey! I ain’t never-

Rick grunted with the effort of holding back Shane’s renewed attack at the sound of Merle’s voice. “The Governor-”

“Fuck the Governor, man!” Shane exclaimed. “I ain’t talkin’ ‘bout him! I’m talking about _him,_ right fuckin’ there!”

“Listen, now, that ain’t…” Merle began, holding his hands up, but luckily for them all, Shane didn’t seem to hear him.

“I fuckin’ warned all’a ya’ll!” he almost roared, rounding on Daryl now. “You made your choice the moment you walked out on us! You ain’t _stayin’_ here!”

“He’s my brother!” Daryl snapped, getting in Shane’s face just as much. “Ya’ll ain’t gon’ get-”

“ _We_ were your family too, once!” Shane bit back, then shoved at Rick’s hand, which had pressed in over his chest. “How can you let this piece of shit in here, Rick? Huh?! You wanna invite the Governor back, too?! _Really_ screw us over?!”

“He saved my life out there!” Rick tried to counter, and just like that, Ava felt her heart plummet even further.

_Wrong play. Wrong move._

She took a step forward, then froze when Merle turned to look at her and forced herself not to flinch away.

_Shane, please…_

“He almost _took_ their lives!” Shane spat, thrusting his finger in Ava’s direction as he started to pace. “What part of that don’t you get, man? He was _this_ close to killin’ ‘em both! Maggie, too! _Michonne!_ How can you just let him waltz in our home like it’s nothin’, knowin’ what he’s done? You got no fuckin’ clue what we could’ve lost ‘cause of him! What we almost _did_ lose!”

The rest of them were staring now. At her. At Shane. At Judith… All Ava could do was press her lips to Judith’s hair and close her eyes against the onslaught of hypotheticals and maybes. _She could’ve miscarried and never even known she was pregnant… They would never have had a chance to… to…_

“You saw her, man! You _saw_ her!” Shane pulled at his hair, looking like a caged beast, and Ava knew she should’ve tried to stop him, should’ve tried to end it, but she couldn’t. _Wouldn’t._ “Don’t’chu remember?!”

Ava did.

_Can’t breathe. So much pain. Let me die. I can’t do this. Someone save me. Please stop. Help me…_

“Let me ask you somethin’, Rick. That night? When she was bleedin’ and almost dyin’?” Shane’s voice cracked. “Did you care at _all?_ Did you feel _anythin’?!”_

“Shane…” she croaked. She could feel she was crying, hear Judith wailing, but it was like being stuck in time, not wanting him to keep going but not wanting him to stop either.

“Brother, of course I-”

“Bullshit, Rick! _Bullshit!_ If you gave a shit about any’a us – about _your son –_ you wouldn’t’ve let ‘em through the door!” Shane was losing it, about to detonate like a nuclear bomb, and Ava’s heartrate spiked as she realized exactly what the fallout would be. “They’re a risk! And not just to Ava ‘n Maggie! If this were any other way? If it weren’t them? We wouldn’t even be discussin this, man! Or you gonna try’n tell me you’d let ‘em go for Lor-”

“Shane, enough!” Ava pleaded, voice betraying how wrecked she felt. _Don’t go there. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Stop._

He could barely look at her, barely even process what she’d said. What _he’d_ almost said. Instead, he whirled to face Merle again, who’d luckily had the sense not to backchat any further. “Why are you here, man? Ain’t you done enough already?! Did you come to finish the job? Huh? Did you tell that sick fuck where we were?!”

“Watch yer fuckin’ mouth! We ain’t done shit!” Daryl protested angrily, and Ava saw Shane’s face change, knew he was about to blow…

“Shane, the baby!” she cried, shakily stepping forward into his line of sight. His head snapped up and she met his ferocious gaze, begging him with her eyes to stop. _Don’t let them find out like this._ “Think about the baby. You’re scarin’ her.”

“I ain’t lettin’ him do this, Ava! Wouldn’t then, won’t now,” he growled, then thrust his arm out towards her. “That baby’s the reason I’m-”

“God damn it, Shane, stop it!” Ava begged, gently shifting Judith so she was higher up her chest and rocking from side to side as her wailing continued. “Please!”

Maggie inhaled sharply at the move and Ava groaned internally. She’d probably realized the real meaning behind Shane’s words; Ava was still wearing that tank top and unable to adjust her position to hide the tiny roundness it highlighted while holding Judith the way she was.

But she couldn’t address that, not when the only thing keeping Shane from ripping Merle apart was her gaze fixed on his. _Breathe, honey, breathe._

Shane’s jaw clenched so tight, she was sure he’d break his teeth, but he managed a jerky half-nod and turned away from Rick, scrubbing his hand over his head the way he always did when on the edge.

“Everybody in the block,” Ava called softly, shooting the rest of them a pointed look. When nobody moved, too stunned and confused to understand, she snapped, “Now!”

Hershel was the first to start moving, then Carol, then Beth… Michonne, who looked just as feral as Shane…

Then Merle.

“Not you!” she spat, glaring at him. “Don’t you take a fuckin’ step.”

Merle had the sense to freeze, but part of her wanted him to have tried to move just so she had an excuse to take Maggie’s gun and shoot him.

“Shane,” she pressed, rubbing Judith’s back with a shaking hand. “C’mon.”

Cursing under his breath, Shane finally turned back around and barged his way through between Daryl and Rick, the force of his move making them both grunt, then stalked towards Ava to take Judith back from her just so his hands had something to do other than wrap around Merle’s neck.

He pushed his free hand against Ava’s lower back and moved her in front of him as they walked towards the cell block, whole body tense and _yearning_ to act on his rage. But he couldn’t, not when Ava’s breaths were too fast and her eyes were almost wild. She needed him just as much as he needed her.

They slowed to a stop near their cell as Rick and Daryl locked Merle outside the block, and Ava didn’t hesitate to turn into his chest and cling on tight, exhaling a shuddering breath.

_They could do this. They could do this._

Shane pressed his lips to the top of her hair and closed his eyes, praying for the strength to hold himself back. He was vibrating with the need to kill, to hurt, to maim, that inner animal inside of him clawing to escape again, but he had to keep it on a leash. Had to focus.

Funny how the tables could turn; he’d been the one keeping her calm, and now she was the only thing stopping _him_ from losing it.

“Take her into the cell,” Ava whispered, covering the arm that was holding Judith with her hand and squeezing gently. “I need… I need you calm. Please.”

Shane nodded sharply and squeezed at her hip, then silently moved past her into the cell, cradling Judith’s sniffling form to his chest.

“Shane… Brother, please-” Rick began, but this time it was Ava’s turn to snap.

“No!” she cut across, moving in front of the cell entrance as she glared at Rick. “You don’t get to _brother_ us! What were you _thinkin’?!_ ”

“Ava-”

“And you!” Ava cried as she turned to Daryl. “How could you _do_ this to us? You _left us_ and now you want back in and force us to take _him_ too?!”

“It ain’t like that,” Daryl tried to explain. “We saw The Governor-”

“I don’t care!” Ava felt her cheeks were wet, knew she probably seemed unhinged, and forced herself to breathe deeply. _Any undue stress could…_ “You should never’ve brought him with you! We don’t _want_ him here!”

Daryl opened his mouth to respond, but Maggie cut in before he could get his words out.

“She’s right,” she agreed, voice much stronger than she must’ve been feeling. Ava knew how badly shaken she was. Merle’s hands had done more than just beat her, after all. “You can’t ask us to-”

“Nobody’s _askin’_ anything,” Rick interjected. “I would’ve died if they hadn’t-”

“Ava almost died, too.”

All eyes flicked to Carl, who had gone almost unnoticed until then.

“All of you need to stop _arguing._ ” He looked so grown up, then – _too grown up_ – and Ava ached with the need to reach out for him. “Nobody wants Merle here, but he’s not important! We need to make a plan. Are we staying or are we leaving?”

_And wasn’t it just crazy, that a child was the one to kick them into gear?_

“We can’t leave,” Rick told them all, ignoring the way Carol and Maggie shook their heads in protest. “We’ve been over this.”

“What if there’s another sniper waitin’?” Maggie argued. “Those wood pallets won’t stop another one of those rounds.”

“Even if there’s not one now, they could come back,” Carol agreed. “They _will._ ”

“The walls are thick,” Glenn pointed out. “We’ve got food…”

“They’ll starve us out,” Maggie countered, then glanced at Ava. “There’s gotta be somewhere else with shelter – what about that house?”

Ava shifted uncomfortably. _Now really wasn’t the time to drop the B bomb…_ “There could be room, but…”

“He’ll have scouters on every road outta this place by now,” Merle cut in, stepping up to the locked cell block gate. “That truck through the fence thing? That’s just him ringin’ the doorbell. We may have some thick walls to hide behind, but-”

“There ain’t no _we_ ,” Shane growled from behind Ava. She turned to him, silently pleading for him to remain calm. The gentle way he was rocking Judith, who was now silenced by a pacifier, was such a contradiction to his tone it would have been amusing under any other circumstance.

“Let’s put him in the other cell block,” Maggie gritted out.

“Listen, Lady, I-”

“This is all you!” she cried, taking a step forward, but Glenn reached for her hand to pull her back. “You started this!”

“What’s the difference whose fault it is?” Beth exclaimed. “What do we _do?_ ”

“We stay-”

“- leavin’s the only-”

“- fight-”

“If we ru-”

As the bickering started up again, Ava gravitated towards Shane, who had managed to calm Judith down enough to lay her in the crib. He was still tense as anything, but when he stepped in behind her and wrapped an arm around her waist so his fingers could brush her stomach, Ava knew he would keep himself in check. If only for her sake.

Carl was right – although he was _right there, Merle_ wasn’t the one they needed to worry most about.

The Governor was.

“If we were going to leave, we should have done it weeks ago,” Hershel called over the din. Silence immediately followed, all eyes turning to him. “Now Axel’s dead. The Governor knows where we are, Rick. He _will_ attack again. We can’t just _sit here._ ”

“We’re not leaving,” Rick repeated firmly, then turned to walk away, to flee from the scrutiny, but Hershel’s shout echoed across the block before he could even take two steps.

“Get back here!”

Ava flinched at the sight of the older man’s furious expression. He was usually so calm, so collected, but even he had his limit.

“You once said this isn’t a democracy? Now you have to own up to that,” Hershel continued. “I put my family’s life in your hands. I trusted you. And you’ve been slipping, Rick. I understand why, but now is not the time. We either do this together or not at all.”

Rick gave an exasperated sigh. “What do you suggest we do, then? If we ain’t gonna agree to stay, we gotta agree to leave.”

Ava twisted in Shane’s hold just enough to meet his gaze. When his thumb grazed over her tiny bump, she gave the slightest of nods, knowing what had to happen next.

Shane exhaled a shaky breath, then lifted his head to look at the rest of them.

“We can’t do that, man,” he said softly, eyes locking on Rick’s. “Ava’s pregnant.”


End file.
